How to deal with OCD when it keeps changing its form (Religious OCD, Harm OCD, HOCD)

[ConfusedSoul]

It started with Religous OCD since I was five years old, there were obsence thoughts like **** falling over god's idols, I am an indian hindu and i felt extremely sinfull, guilty and ashamed of myself, I used to think "how can I even think like that?" then it transformed into thoughts and voices in my head that "may my mother die!" , I absolutely love her and I used to slap myself and cry and despice myself. Later , I was little effiminate as a teenager and I was used to be laughing stock  in my class, fellow students used to repeat my "girlish" hand gestures and used to called me names like "enuch" or "sissy" ("chakka" in Hindi to be specific , which means third gender), I slowly turned introvert though I had good communication skills. Also, I used to suck at sports and it did not help. I used to skip sports period and used to stay at home as much as possible. My only refuge was my family, I used to go out with my father and mother on dinners, shopping and they  made me feel "normal" and "accepted", this made me feel I should never grow up as I will have to leave my home for college, later job , So, I used to watch cartoons till I was in my 20s, also I made sure I went to college in the same town so I don't have to leave my family and parents. What I didn't realize was that in the process I forced myself to remain a kid, a meek and always anxious indiviadual who was not confident of his skills, had issues of bad body image and social anxiety, I used to think I need to please people out of my way to make them like me so that I feel validated and accepted. I am a people pleaser and try to avoid conflicts as much as possible, as I would feel that I am not physically capable to fight it out "like a man". Later anxiety and OCD manifested in other forms as well, I am still afraid of driving a car as I get anxious, "What if I drive over and kill somebody , my life will be destroyed". I still avoid good job opportunites to stay at home town with my family, I am not independent and confident enough to live alone. To make it worse, I have had attraction to the same sex and I keep checking if "Am I Gay" or it is HOCD. I keep checking both gay and straight porn and I get extremely anxious if I get aroused by gay porn or images, I am hell scared , also I always feel a little jealous around men how look better than me. I am so confused about everything in my life my mind, my thoughts , my identity....I sometimes feel the urge to end my miserable life, I have consulted a psychologist and started taking medications (SSRIs) but he said to wait for sometime  for medicines to take effect before we start thearpy, but I am feeling terrible and I think I need to start myself before he schedules it because it is unbearable. Please help me, I just want someone to hear me out without judging me.

[Zelda]

Hi @ConfusedSoul. I’m sorry for the challenges you’re facing and what you have been through. I similarly had years of making choices through my illness, experiences which impacted on my sense of self and ability to speak up for myself when most necessary. In my experience, recognising that you no longer want to make decisions dictated by this fear as you have is a big part of recovery! Wishing you so well for when you start therapy.
 

One book I found helpful was ‘break free from OCD’ if you are looking for resources in the meantime. 

[ConfusedSoul]

Thanks @Zelda, thanks for the book suggestion, will start reading it. It really feels relief when somebody can relate to your problems and I hope I heal with the help of this community. Here's wishing you success for your recovery journey as well.