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Having a bad week with handwashing. I have never a panic attack, but I have what I call myself handwashing attacks. I just can’t seem to stop, every single time it feels wrong. Start again, then again, then again. This week it’s been upto 20minutes stood at the sink. I’ve even been near late for things and missed phone calls because of it. I even scream at myself like what the hell am I doing. But I just can’t stop. When I finally do stop I’m even emotional. Anyone else struggle with this?
I have had a lot on at the moment so my GP has said its understandable but I just feel completely crazy, to the point where I’ve felt really really low. Thanks in advance for any replies! 

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Hi @GreenyGreen23 

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low :( and experiencing such stress.

Yes I have had this exact issue. What worked for me was just cutting back on the handwashing rounds of cleaning. (i will soap up and rinse over and over) I still do this but when I was at my worst I could easily get to 20 minutes as well. Now it's much better but can get worse sometimes. So then I just go back to intentional reduction. Making myself stop after a goal set of rounds, feeling uncomfortable with it, but seeing it through. And then just continually reducing. Are you working through cbt stuff? 

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@Handy I’m aware of the consequences. 
 

thought process is basically it just “doesn’t feel right” the water wasn’t running right, I touched the sink(start again) , I touched the tap (start again) I splashed everywhere (start again) and the list goes on… I’m fully aware its ridiculous but it’s like a panic attack that you can’t stop until it stops itself. I have a lot going on at home so it just triggers it and it comes out through handwashing. 
 

hey @L.M. lovely to hear from you hope you are well. I want to do my cbt, but with my return to work and then home life it’s just so hard to take that time for me. Life carries on, people need me, no time ! But I need to find time, as it’s a nightmare! 

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1 hour ago, GreenyGreen23 said:

hey @L.M. lovely to hear from you hope you are well. I want to do my cbt, but with my return to work and then home life it’s just so hard to take that time for me. Life carries on, people need me, no time ! But I need to find time, as it’s a nightmare! 

Yes would be good to be able to find some time, as then it would cut back on time spent washing, and also you would have so much less stress so it's really worth taking that time.

Are the 20 minute hand-washing sessions just occurring from time to time? Does your on-going hand washing take a long time too? Like for me usually what would happen is I would take a long time washing every time, but then when I would get super stressed it would take an extra amount of time. So for that, the approach I try and take  is cutting back on the time spent when doing my usual washing. That way I am approaching it at a lower stress time and the washing is usually done in a more ritualistic way that I can identify and cut back on more consistently. And then I still get the higher stress/longer washing times but it is less frequent and takes less time as I've been addressing the on-going hand-washing regularly...I hope that makes sense? 

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Yeah it was more last week (time of the month) that the handwashing was really long. Much better this week. I even managed to not wash my hands once today after I’d been outside, I’ve been painting for work today and that took my mind off the anxiety that came. Painting is a great distraction for me, I’ve also signed up for an online course. 
 

It does kind of make sense… but I have to be honest maybe not completely (it’s been a long day though!) thanks so much for our reply 

 

When I get super stressed too the thought of going the bathroom really gets me because I know I won’t be able to stop. 

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27 minutes ago, GreenyGreen23 said:

It does kind of make sense… but I have to be honest maybe not completely (it’s been a long day though!) thanks so much for our reply 

 

lol that made me laugh! It was a very muddled explanation it's true! But basically cutting back on the day to day compulsions helps me reduce the frequency/intensity of high stress times where i get super stuck in very long episodes of washing/cleaning.

Anyways glad your week is going better! I love painting. I find it very soothing. And excellent about the online course too!

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It’s called Just Right OCD. Because one has to get it just right.  You can look up treatment models for it. Stress makes it more profound.

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Having a bit of a bad day again today, had a poor sleep, so I’m starting to notice patterns when it gets worse and tiredness is one. Do you find that @L.M.?  I’ve just had my CBT appointment through though, and it’s a week today! 

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29 minutes ago, GreenyGreen23 said:

Having a bit of a bad day again today, had a poor sleep, so I’m starting to notice patterns when it gets worse and tiredness is one. Do you find that @L.M.?  I’ve just had my CBT appointment through though, and it’s a week today! 

Sorry to hear you're having a hard day. yes absolutely patterns of when it gets worse--and definitely fatigue being one. I used to pretty much have a guarantee of bad ocd after too much physical exertion, but actually that doesn't seem to be the case so much anymore. And then pms would make it worse too...So yeah any kind of physical or emotional stress...but with cbt addressing the day to day stuff those episodes  do definitely get better. 

Let us know how the CBT goes!

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With home life sleep gets broken often. Thanks @Handy I know now it’s so important to take care of the brain 

 

@L.M. I spoke to my doctor about this, now after running my ocd is in fact worse sometimes not better, it’s so strange! I love running so I’m just hoping with therapy and everything settling down the running will help again like it used to. 
 

I've made a diary of my symptoms cycle wise since December, and my doctor is so good she agrees I need help from a gynaecologist, so I’ve been referred to them. It’s awful every month the same,I have thoughts that are really scary.

 

I’m really determined to do this round of CBT 100 percent committed, no matter how hard! I have to do this. Then I hopefully can help others in the future, that’s the goal. I feel so lucky the appointment has come much quicker than I ever thought it would have 

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On 06/05/2022 at 13:07, GreenyGreen23 said:

I spoke to my doctor about this, now after running my ocd is in fact worse sometimes not better, it’s so strange!

I think that's pretty common. I figure with me it can be a combo of body stress, inflammation, maybe cortisol levels, maybe dehydration...but yeah I would get it worse after any kind of extensive physical exertion. And then I would get into the habit of looking for /waiting for triggers after exertion so as not to be surprised by them which I think maybe made things worse. I just hated that sudden 'punch to the gut' feeling that I would get when surprised by a trigger so I was trying to nip it in the bud. But I think that was unhelpful. Instead I tried to just not over-do it and take extra care of my body, drinking water, letting it rest...now as I say that seems to be less of a problem. I find that once we can start cutting back on compulsions, we just become more and more resilient and the thoughts and triggers bother us way less.

And yes, for sure, I think a lot of us find our cycles can definitely be a trigger too!

I hope you will let us know how the cbt goes. I really found that working through an ocd cbt workbook really helped me understand the process a lot and really helped me engage with the process.

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It was really good to read your experience here. Thanks @L.M. 

 

Today I went for a run and it was unbelievable about an hour afterwards, so I got back at 10am and by 11am the OCD was really bad, I was confused/afraid and couldn’t understand why I was doing what I was doing. Eventually I managed to stop and I said to myself over and over “it’s ok it’s over now, it’s over now” and then I went upstairs and burst into tears. So crazy and never used to be this way. I even rang the crisis line because I was shaking like a tremor, but the line was busy so I couldn’t speak to anyone eventually I just managed to settle. I’m much better now after my shift at work, but looking back it really did knock me. I think I didn’t take on fluid, I didn’t eat or take on electrolytes etc, and I knew I had work so I was kind of rushing. All in all I was just a bit stupid and should have known better. I’ll know for next time. But it really actually scared me how I felt after my run. I love running, and it used to help me so so much. 
 

I had so much planned for today and it was all a write off! I just about made it out the door to work! 
 

sorry, that was a ramble! 3 days to go until CBT! I need to forget today and focus on that for sure 

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I'm struggling with excessive handwashing in the same way Greeny. My Psychologist has said that I should try to step away from the sink and the shower feeling germy/contaminated and then do something that I enjoy to prevent rumination and help me to cope with the anxiety afterwards. You could try setting a timer for 30 seconds and then forcing yourself to stop after that time, regardless of how clean you feel- I know it's hard though!

Edited by BelAnna
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6 hours ago, GreenyGreen23 said:

Today I went for a run and it was unbelievable about an hour afterwards, so I got back at 10am and by 11am the OCD was really bad, I was confused/afraid and couldn’t understand why I was doing what I was doing. Eventually I managed to stop and I said to myself over and over “it’s ok it’s over now, it’s over now” and then I went upstairs and burst into tears. So crazy and never used to be this way. I even rang the crisis line because I was shaking like a tremor, but the line was busy so I couldn’t speak to anyone eventually I just managed to settle. I’m much better now after my shift at work, but looking back it really did knock me. I think I didn’t take on fluid, I didn’t eat or take on electrolytes etc, and I knew I had work so I was kind of rushing.

Yes that sounds so rough :( And it's hard when it doesn't hit until afterwards...I could often be feeling so good out in the garden doing all the work I love and then bam! it would hit me afterwards. When that was problematic for me, I would try and stop before I felt tired, go inside, hydrate, eat a good meal, rest...

Maybe try cutting back on the running? Maybe switch to just walking and see how that feels, or shorter runs with more water...But yes I can so relate to that. Do go easy on yourself. 

Good for you making it to work after that and I'm glad you were feeling better afterwards.

 

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I’ve decided no running now on work days. For sure. It was all rushed in my head, always is. Parkrun is perfect, because it’s a Saturday and with family. I might swim for a while. It’s just awful having to say I might be retiring from running for a bit, I really do love it :(( I can still feel the tiredness today though still, and I’ve done a few things I wish I hadn’t today, like wiping taps and wiping random surface areas and I didn’t need to (I don’t think) But I’ve also done positive things, I’m doing an online course and I’m painting still for work, managed to do both today, yesterday I couldn’t. 
 

It really does hit you like bam! Doesn’t it?! It’s so nice to share this and have someone understand and know that feeling. Thank you again @L.M. Hope you are getting on well with your recovery 

 

 

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I don't even think that washing my hands all day is wrong, it just seems so normal. Use moisteriser to compensate.

I think it started when I was studying chemistry and started looking at microscopic pictures and understanding the chemical/biological world.

And really the practice was proved right by the covid pandemic. I felt like the world had finally caught up!

I started wearing gloves straight away, and when I washed them after going outside(door handles, lift buttons, etc), the water was dirty.

 

 

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On 10/05/2022 at 06:39, GreenyGreen23 said:

Parkrun is perfect, because it’s a Saturday and with family. I might swim for a while. It’s just awful having to say I might be retiring from running for a bit, I really do love it :((

Yeah I can imagine it would be hard to cut back on something that has been so god for you--but I'm sure you'll get back to it. Try to think of it as a temporary injury maybe (I've had to take a couple weeks off running for my ankle currently!) And hopefully you can find a balanced way to include it in a way that won't trigger so much stress--the Parkrun sounds great, and maybe just taking things a bit easier whether its the running or swimming on your days off...

I think you're doing well in getting back to work, and signing up for the course, and soon to start on CBT. 

Do give yourself a big pat on the back and do find ways to really treat and reward yourself!

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It’s just finding spare time to reward lol maybe the odd takeaway! I have done the Parkrun this morning and I could tell I was starting to feel a bit bad, but kept my sugar and hydration up and the ocd didn’t flare too bad at all! 
 

my therapist sounds nice from our first chat, however ERP does NOT sound nice, I know so much about it anyway, I just don’t know how for some things I’m going to manage?! Some things are HUGE red zones for me. *must power through this!*

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On 14/05/2022 at 08:03, GreenyGreen23 said:

It’s just finding spare time to reward lol maybe the odd takeaway!

Ah yes--but rewards needn't take a lot of time--just a favorite dessert bought from a favorite bakery or something...

On 14/05/2022 at 08:03, GreenyGreen23 said:

I have done the Parkrun this morning and I could tell I was starting to feel a bit bad, but kept my sugar and hydration up and the ocd didn’t flare too bad at all! 

Excellent! That's really nice to keep that going especially as it has a nice social aspect as well.

On 14/05/2022 at 08:03, GreenyGreen23 said:

my therapist sounds nice from our first chat, however ERP does NOT sound nice, I know so much about it anyway, I just don’t know how for some things I’m going to manage?!

Lovely that you so far like the therapist at least. Yes ERP is not fun, but it can be nice once you start working your way through the compulsions and finding more freedom from that. It's tough when you see them all written out and the top ones look impossible, but you start small so it's not overwhelming. I still have lots (as you know) that still feel insurmountable which is frustrating but when I look at the amount of freedom I've gained just working through a lot of the more minor ones, it's so encouraging. Even just some of my more recent ones like showering and changing after shopping, and wiping down all the groceries. My life is so much easier now just popping into the shops and grabbing what I need with no anxiety or compulsions!

 

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On 09/05/2022 at 15:22, BelAnna said:

I'm struggling with excessive handwashing in the same way Greeny. My Psychologist has said that I should try to step away from the sink and the shower feeling germy/contaminated and then do something that I enjoy to prevent rumination and help me to cope with the anxiety afterwards. You could try setting a timer for 30 seconds and then forcing yourself to stop after that time, regardless of how clean you feel- I know it's hard though!

Yes.

You wash because you CAN. If you were not at the sink you couldn’t wash, right?  

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On 16/05/2022 at 03:36, Handy said:

Yes.

You wash because you CAN. If you were not at the sink you couldn’t wash, right?  

Yes that's true. In practise, it's very difficult to do though! :)

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