Handwashing

[howard]

I do remember when the hand washing got so bad the skin on the back of my hands was opening and raw. I still scrub with handwash and washing up liquid after going to the toilet.

But a side effect was that my skin dried out on my fingers and I'd file not only my nails but the fingerprints smooth.

Thankfully it's not that bad any more and the moistuuriser helps.

[GreenyGreen23]

I try and say sometimes “you only have one shot at this” but that doesn’t work and I still go on, and on… and on. I sometimes get so angry and that actually stops it. If I didn’t have a sink, I couldn’t wash you’re very right there. Which is why I plan and be out of the house as much as possible, and why I knew I had to get to back to work asap.  But I know that’s avoiding so I shouldn’t do that too much, I need to do the ERP. 
 

@L.M. it’s so good that you’ve had lots of little successes and you feel less anxious. I’ve started ripping sellotape, toilet roll, just general things,  but re doing it, until it “feels right” feels absolutely crazy, it’s new and never had it before. Have you had anything similar?  Even putting sanitiser on, and it “doesn’t feel right” literally a second and I’ll redo it. Nightmare.

[Handy]

A doctor could wash 50 times a day & that’s normal. It’s got to do with what is normal for a person. So it has to do with what your intentions are. 

[L.M.]

On 18/05/2022 at 12:14, GreenyGreen23 said:

@L.M. it’s so good that you’ve had lots of little successes and you feel less anxious. I’ve started ripping sellotape, toilet roll, just general things,  but re doing it, until it “feels right” feels absolutely crazy, it’s new and never had it before. Have you had anything similar?  Even putting sanitiser on, and it “doesn’t feel right” literally a second and I’ll redo it. Nightmare

Hey Greeny,

I've never had that specific compulsion but I've had plenty of compulsions that took me doing things over and over again until it 'felt right' (and of course the more you engage with that compulsion, the worse it gets and it ends up never feeling right) And yes needing to rewash or resanitize immediately after. Yes for sure. A lot.

One thing to think about is none of these compulsions are really new, just more of the same patterns that are feeding the ocd.

The cbt is just about addressing that pattern by  not engaging in compulsions and just accepting that it doesn't feel right, or it feels dirty or whatever your brain might be telling you and you learn to just move on with the day while that feeling is present. And of course, it is a difficult practice, but that's why we take it in small manageable steps, learning how to accept those feelings in small increments.

Have you had any more cbt sessions?

[GreenyGreen23]

Hey @L.M. my sessions start properly on the 1st June, my therapist is on holiday (I wish I was on holiday sometimes lol) 

Today I cleaned the side board for dishes I think 5/6 times, you’re right it feels worse the more attempts you try, eventually I just felt really down so stopped it anyway then just settled myself by asking for reassurance, which I got, I no it’s wrong to do that but sometimes there just is no other option when you feel this rubbish! I’ve worked a full week this week,  so I can tell I’m tired. I also have been a bit stupid in running while having blood tests this week. Sometimes I just feel so low though, I think, I just don’t care anymore, so I do daft stuff anyway, like have that Starbucks coffee even though I know it won’t do me any favours. I think I need to rethink my medication?  because reading this back it’s all sounding very negative… I’m very teary in my eyes most days,but suppress it. Very hormonal though… did I say doctor has referred me to a gynaecologist which is really good (hopefully)

 

My hands get so much sanitiser on, it’s awful and that makes me feel so down to! I need to stop buying bottles of it, do my own ERP. I really think I should do this next week at work 

[L.M.]

21 hours ago, GreenyGreen23 said:

Today I cleaned the side board for dishes I think 5/6 times, you’re right it feels worse the more attempts you try, eventually I just felt really down so stopped it anyway then just settled myself by asking for reassurance, which I got, I no it’s wrong to do that but sometimes there just is no other option when you feel this rubbish!

Yes I know how that feels  And good you know it's not the answer. We can't normally just cut out compulsions over night so good to not beat ourselves up about it when we end up doing them. Reassurance will likely just become like the cleaning where you have to ask again and again and you still won't feel sure (that's how it goes for me anyhow)...drives my family nuts!...so just as long as you know that won't be the long-term solution to switch from cleaning to reassurance seeking...

21 hours ago, GreenyGreen23 said:

Very hormonal though… did I say doctor has referred me to a gynaecologist which is really good (hopefully)

Yes hopefully there might be some good help there! 

21 hours ago, GreenyGreen23 said:

My hands get so much sanitiser on, it’s awful and that makes me feel so down to! I need to stop buying bottles of it, do my own ERP. I really think I should do this next week at work 

Does the book you have (i think you mentioned one in the Dummies series?) have a good layout of how cbt would work and steps you can do to start on it yourself? 

 

[GreenyGreen23]

Thanks @L.M. yes I need to get that book out again, it’s written in a way that isn’t complicated. I’ve just been pretty low, and by the time everything OCD is done the day is pretty much over. I’m so sick of the amount of washing clothes there is! I don’t actually know what’s normal? I wash everything straight away after each wear or sometimes I change mid way through a day for whatever OCD reason I have at the time 

[L.M.]

Hey @GreenyGreen23

Yes I can well relate to ocd taking up so much time. Hopefully you can find the way that suits you best to really start on CBT because that is what really gave me so much freedom and so much more time in a day as well as relief from the terrible distress I felt on a regular basis.

I don't know what is 'normal' for laundry,(i think it's good to realize there is no 'normal', we get to decide what we think is ok for us), but I do know for me that by facing the ocd stuff I had around it, laundry has become so much more manageable. I decided what is 'normal' for me and my laundry and am so glad to not be having to do so much of it these days!

How have the last few days been for you?

 

[GreenyGreen23]

@L.M. I’m just back from a run and really unsettled. I tried to hydrate and eat fairly soon after, but I’m still really feeling it. I think I’m tired. The high & focus I used to get from running really is the opposite but I don’t want to give up running! Also having a lot of “just right” thoughts, repeating simple tasks over and over. I’ve the doctor tomorrow and it’ll soon be 1st June when CBT starts properly now. 
 

I’m so pleased to read the CBT has given you that freedom! I don’t want to live like this anymore… 

[L.M.]

@GreenyGreen23 Sorry to hear you had a rough time after the run. Yes, sometimes we can put all the things in place that seems like should make us feel better, but ocd can still hit. So we just keep on learning. A big thing I think is learning how to not avoid the anxious feelings but to just move ahead without compulsions regardless. That is when it won't matter if the brain goes into anxious panic. We just carry on not trying to get rid of it. It sure is difficult in practice but once we see how it works on during our less anxious times, we start to gain confidence that it will work as we move up our hierarchy. I still have lots of difficulty when the anxiety really hits hard but when I can remember to not to engage in compulsions and just move on with my day, it goes so much better.

Really looking forward to hearing how your CBT sessions go!