My teenage son hates his room but I think it's fine

[Anxiousmum]

Hi all, first time on this forum as I'm struggling with my 17 year old son who seems to be getting more anxious. The most recent problem is that he hates his bedroom. His room is lovely but he wants us to paint his walls white and declutter everything so it's minamilist. Im not sure if this will be helpful or not. I'm not sure he'll think it will solve all his anxieties but won't, or if it would be helpful. Anyone else experienced this either as a parent or as a teen? 

Thanks

[000]

35 minutes ago, Anxiousmum said:

Hi all, first time on this forum as I'm struggling with my 17 year old son who seems to be getting more anxious. The most recent problem is that he hates his bedroom. His room is lovely but he wants us to paint his walls white and declutter everything so it's minamilist. Im not sure if this will be helpful or not. I'm not sure he'll think it will solve all his anxieties but won't, or if it would be helpful. Anyone else experienced this either as a parent or as a teen? 

Thanks

Hi, there!

I’m 16 and have OCD. My room is completely white and minimalist as well, and this has actually shocked me because of how relatable it seems!

I wanted my room to be made this way because at the time (about 4 years ago), my room would set off horrible intrusive thoughts. I won’t go into what exactly they were, but having a minimalist, white room at the time seemed like the solution for me. It was basically one massive great big compulsion.

There’s very likely going to be an exact reason why he wants his room like this. There’s probably something (could be anything) which is causing a problem. Possibly a bad memory, a bad association, or general trigger such as colour. Whatever it is, he’s probably quite embarrassed by it since he’s being very general. “I don’t like my room”.

It really depends how open you two are between each other whether you’ll be able to get the answer as to what in particular it is that’s causing him the problem.

What I can tell you though is that getting my room changed didn’t get rid of my intrusive thoughts. It lowered them and made me feel a bit better, which is what compulsions do, but in the end it just got replaced by something else and it was the stuff in my room bothering me rather than the room it’s self.

If you’re unable to find out what exactly his problem is (it could be rather complex and difficult to understand), then I’d suggest just doing what he’d like I think. It really is a difficult situation though.

I don’t think you should just refuse to do it without knowing the problem he’s experiencing.

The best thing would be to get to the bottom of what the problem is and work on it from there. But I understand that this may be difficult to find out. My parents have no idea why I wanted my room to be like this. I’ve always been far too ashamed and embarrassed to tell them the truth. They also wouldn’t understand either.

It really is a tricky situation, but I know from exact experience that there’s going to be something in particular doing it. Please don’t prod him about it though. You’re probably never going to get the truth just from asking “what exactly is it that’s bothering you about your room?”. It’s also not very pleasant for it to feel like someone’s ‘on to you’. 

This is all just my point of view though, others may differ so please keep that in mind. Sorry that you might have to spend all that money getting his room done, but he possibly feels guilty about it too. I know I did. I hope your son manages to resolve whatever his struggle is in the future.

Best wishes.

[Anxiousmum]

Thank you for being so open about this. It's really helpful to see things from your perspective. I'm not worried about the cost of sorting out the room, rather understanding the thought process behind it. I feel, that it won't really change the main issues but I guess without trying we'll never know. I know procrastination is a problem for most teens but particularity bad for teens with OCD. My son just can't study at present as he's so distracted by the way things look, sound, even smell. It's sensory overload so I guess maybe the neutral palette might dampen down some of those triggers. I'd love my son to share his thoughts but as you say, it's hard to open up to your parents and I respect that. 

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45 minutes ago, Anxiousmum said:

My son just can't study at present as he's so distracted by the way things look, sound, even smell. It's sensory overload so I guess maybe the neutral palette might dampen down some of those triggers.

That’s certainly a possibility if he struggles with sensory overload in general. Just out of interest, does he happen to have autism by any chance? It’s just that sensory overload is a rather typical thing with autism. You could be right about the sensory overload. Does he have sensory overload in different places, or just his room?

As far as I’m aware, with sensory overload, there isn’t really any ‘thought process’ behind it. It’s an irritant like having the sun in your eyes, and then trying to do something about it. It’s not triggered by any sort of faulty thought patterns like OCD is since the ‘obsession’ is genuinely real to someone with sensory problems, whereas in OCD it’s irrationally made up in your head.

But if you don’t mind me asking, do you know in what particular ways his OCD effects him? That could lead a good bit of insight into what it is. But then again, if you’re only seeing his visible compulsions, that doesn’t necessarily tell you very much about the obsession which is driving them. Often there isn’t even a logical link between obsessions and compulsions.

To sum it up, if it’s because of sensory overload problems, then it will probably solve his problem or at least help.
But if it’s because of OCD, it probably won’t actually solve the real problem. It will temporarily relieve anxiety, until it latches to something else.

Hopefully getting the room done will actually help him, but as you say, without knowing the reason it’s difficult to know if it will.

Hope that helps  

[Keyboard Worrier]

I get sensory overload from clutter, lots of colours, shapes, etc.  But also from bright light...personally I find white walls too bright, especially in a south facing room, and have gone for a cream colour myself.

[Anxiousmum]

We're going through the ASD/ADHD assessment and so far they think he's more ADHD. However I think it's more ASD. Theyre so close in symptoms I think sometimes hard to differentiate. He definitely has lots of obsessioms but his main problem is with misreading people opinions of him. Thinks people don't like him. I think he's quite popular. Also an incredible musician but thinks he's rubbish. So upsetting when your kids can't see their potential!