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How do I allow myself to stop thinking back to try to remember something?

I feel that I absolutely must find out whether something happened - if it did, I have to tell my boyfriend. If it happened and I don't tell him, I am lying to myself and to him.

I can't remember it happening, I have no image or specific situation in my mind, but what if that's because it didn't seem important at the time?? I could've just forgotten??

I love him so much I can't live with this hellish guilt. I need to know! What do I do, please help! I can't allow myself to stop tying to remember!

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Then you will be basically stuck forever.

No amount of ruminating will bring you the answer you seek. You'll just go round and tound in your head, like being on a merry-go-round. 

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10 hours ago, Dandy said:

it didn't seem important at the time??

I think this is the key for me. I have this obsession a lot about the past and it's horrendous, I know. I'm learning that if something wasn't important at the time, then it's because it's not important. I often feel like my mind fixates on these because it's impossible to remember something clearly but particularly when so much time has gone by and my mind gave no importance to it at the time. I often wish that I could go through my whole life with a fine tooth comb and then start from scratch, knowing that I made no mistakes but that would not be living. 

I'm currently working on one from reading about something which I automatically thought 'wow, that would be horrible if that was true. I'm glad it isn't'. Then lots of 'what if it was true and I missed it somehow' which then lead to constant ruminating and checks over something that I was pretty certain at the start about it not applying to me. This then becomes ridiculously distorted and lots of catastrophic consequences become almost certain.

Basically, you had a thought about something. It doesn't mean anything. OCD likes to get our attention so it fixates on anything important to us and often distorts it and the more that we give in, the more hopeless and desperate we feel.

Start small. Try and delay some of the ruminating and enjoy parts of your day. I've also found that saying something that 'so what' or 'that would suck but I'm going to carry on with my day' has been helpful for me. Don't push the thought away but do something else. 

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16 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Then you will be basically stuck forever.

No amount of ruminating will bring you the answer you seek. You'll just go round and tound in your head, like being on a merry-go-round. 

Thank you for your reply. So is it not best to just confess to it as I will never know for sure? Would that essentially 'cover all the bases'?

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8 hours ago, determination987 said:

I think this is the key for me. I have this obsession a lot about the past and it's horrendous, I know. I'm learning that if something wasn't important at the time, then it's because it's not important. I often feel like my mind fixates on these because it's impossible to remember something clearly but particularly when so much time has gone by and my mind gave no importance to it at the time. I often wish that I could go through my whole life with a fine tooth comb and then start from scratch, knowing that I made no mistakes but that would not be living. 

I'm currently working on one from reading about something which I automatically thought 'wow, that would be horrible if that was true. I'm glad it isn't'. Then lots of 'what if it was true and I missed it somehow' which then lead to constant ruminating and checks over something that I was pretty certain at the start about it not applying to me. This then becomes ridiculously distorted and lots of catastrophic consequences become almost certain.

Basically, you had a thought about something. It doesn't mean anything. OCD likes to get our attention so it fixates on anything important to us and often distorts it and the more that we give in, the more hopeless and desperate we feel.

Start small. Try and delay some of the ruminating and enjoy parts of your day. I've also found that saying something that 'so what' or 'that would suck but I'm going to carry on with my day' has been helpful for me. Don't push the thought away but do something else. 

Thank you! This is exactly the thing. I wish I had video evidence of every single thing, or else I always just think: oh if only I hadn't gone there, if only I hadn't seen this person, if only I had stayed home on my own because then there is no possible way of doing anything wrong! 

And yes it always seems to start with a: 'Oh how horrible would it be / what on earth would I do if [...] had happened?!' and that's it, it's like it happened! Or I sometimes see pictures or hear people talk about events and that can trigger it too, but usually with this question spinning round in my head.

Thank you for the advice xx

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53 minutes ago, Dandy said:

Thank you! This is exactly the thing. I wish I had video evidence of every single thing, or else I always just think: oh if only I hadn't gone there, if only I hadn't seen this person, if only I had stayed home on my own because then there is no possible way of doing anything wrong! 

And yes it always seems to start with a: 'Oh how horrible would it be / what on earth would I do if [...] had happened?!' and that's it, it's like it happened! Or I sometimes see pictures or hear people talk about events and that can trigger it too, but usually with this question spinning round in my head.

Thank you for the advice xx

Yes! The triggers are the worst because then it feels like ‘evidence’ and keeps it feeling urgent and distressing.

The anxiety then feels unbearable and we then do the ruminating/confessing/reassurance seeking etc. Then short term relief and it starts again or moves onto something else.

We need to stop the cycle. Don’t be afraid of the anxiety, just let it be there. Be triggered, don’t avoid them but don’t seek reassurance or ruminate. It’s hard, I know! Try and divert your attention to something meaningful and do what you’d be doing anyway, if OCD wasn’t making you feel stuck.

 

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1 hour ago, Dandy said:

And yes it always seems to start with a: 'Oh how horrible would it be / what on earth would I do if [...] had happened?!' and that's it, it's like it happened! Or I sometimes see pictures or hear people talk about events and that can trigger it too, but usually with this question spinning round in my head.

 

Let's try to turn this around and make something positive.  Over the past 6 months since my CBT therapy I have thought about doing x,y,z but then the 'what ifs' creep in and I dont do anything.  To turn this around, I have gone out and done x,y,z and learnt to tolerate the uncertainty.

The results have been positive and helped in my recovery journey.  When I look back on x,y,z I now find encouragement out of meeting new people, doing a new activity, going somewhere different.  (What do we call that - is it self reassurance?)

39 minutes ago, determination987 said:

Try and divert your attention to something meaningful and do what you’d be doing anyway, if OCD wasn’t making you feel stuck.

 

I think this is also another positive way to clear the mind of the negative thoughts.

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19 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Then you will be basically stuck forever.

No amount of ruminating will bring you the answer you seek. You'll just go round and tound in your head, like being on a merry-go-round. 

As someone else who's been exactly where you are...what he said👆 

Don't waste your life on what doesn't exist.  Easier said than done I know, but the sooner you commit to getting on with your life and not ruminating, the quicker you'll realise you never needed to do it in the first place.   You'll also feel more confident all round :)

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