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Hello everyone, 

I feel very distressed after my (second) therapy session that I had yesterday morning. I really wanted to avoid coming on here while engaging with the therapy, out of respect for everyone, but I seriously feel awful and waiting until next Tuesday seems like an eternity. 

We were using the vicious flower formulation to work on a few of my intrusions/worries. One of them was about me reading certain stories of sexual child abuse and feeling that I was enjoying it in a sick way. I opened up about this ugly thing I do/have which is pressing my thighs together when having a groinal response, or arousal, caused by my intrusions. (For reference sometimes I do the thigh pressing thing as a way of self pleasuring to regular, normal thoughts, but it also happens when I feel anxious and under pressure - I know, it sounds confusing, weird and sick, all at the same time). I did not press my thighs together while reading those stories but I was awfully close to it; by that I mean that I moved my legs/thighs closer and closer to each other the more I was reading about the stories. Because we approached this towards the end of the session, I felt that we left it at a weird, confusing spot. 

I started feeling distressed about an hour later, and haven't stopped since, because a few memories came back out of nowhere. One of them was reading a story about a writer who was talking about their struggles including being sexually abused when they were really young and dealing with severe depression and anxiety for most of their life. I can't remember for sure but I do have a memory that I typed their name on google and added the words 'sexually abused' next to it. I also remember that my thighs were very close to each other and when I typed those words I placed them even closer. I did find a few disturbing details after one click. To me putting my legs/thighs together is a form of masturbation. And that's what I did while looking for those disturbing details. 

Please please someone help me. I am shaking and I don't know what to do. 

Edited by Cora
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Hey Cora,can't really help you as I am in a total mess myself,it's crazy I can't help myself but I can see everything you say as OCD,and I can guarantee your therapist didn't see it as finishing in a weird place,stick with it,I know it's hell on earth tbh I really don't know how I get through the days x

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I think we need to leave this for your therapy sessions.  There isn't anything different in the type of thought so nothing really to add.  Most therapists are unhappy to have other agencies involved whilst undergoing therapy.

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Just now, Caramoole said:

Most therapists are unhappy to have other agencies involved whilst undergoing therapy.

I understand, Caramoole, but I don't know what to do at the moment and that's why I'm here. 

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Cora, were you given a print-out of the visious flower diagram?

If so, go back and look at it again. Put this latest worry into the central box and start thinking about those arrows, how thoughts and feelings interact and how your interpretation of things is key to everything.

image.png.54cf494a3643d463ef108054e6c862b7.png

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4 hours ago, Cora said:

rI eally wanted to avoid coming on here while engaging with the therapy, out of respect for everyone, but I seriously feel awful and waiting until next Tuesday seems like an eternity. 

I really do feel it would be better not to use the forum other than in the non-OCD section.  I'm not sure what you're expecting from therapy or if you feel it will "just work" by attending.  Sadly, it won't.  If you just resort to falling back on and continuing with compulsions as a means of coping, it won't be effective.  You have to try to put into practise the things that you're working on.  As Snowbear has suggested, do some work on the Vicious Flower example and apply it to your current worry.  Don't waste more precious therapy by not engaging with it

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Have you had a look at the Vicious Flower diagram and had a think about the things your therapist discussed or explained?  Treat this like you would as Uni homework/study. If this therapy is to help you you have to start and apply the things discussed, it won't help to fall straight back to using compulsions when the anxiety flares :)

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No, I haven't used the diagram with this specific worry. It sounds ridiculous but I don't know how to do it. I looked up details of a person being abused as a child while having an arousal and me thighs very close to each other. I'm not sure how to use the diagram for this. 

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On 11/05/2022 at 15:32, snowbear said:

Put this latest worry into the central box and start thinking about those arrows, how thoughts and feelings interact and how your interpretation of things is key to everything.

 

Think hard about the things the therapist discussed

image.png.54cf494a3643d463ef108054e6c862b7.png

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On 11/05/2022 at 15:00, Cora said:

waiting until next Tuesday seems like an eternity

I agree waiting for your next therapy session can feel like years away especially when you are in the more of the much darker days, I’ve been getting gronial responses too without warning and without context sometimes with context but my therapist mentioned if we could control thoughts and situations we’d all be happy millionaires. We of course know this but ocd still manages to squeeze in that tiny tiny ‘what if’, your making an incredibly tough and brave first step with therapy though please be proud and remember to be kind to yourself you seem so lovely, gentle and kind. Keep us updated with how the therapy goes! :) 

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