Jump to content

Panicking about a girl in the gym


Recommended Posts

2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

And there you have it.  So you need to be looking at what you need to work on from an OCD stance.

I understand what you are trying to say, but I'm more worried about the fact that what she thinks of me. I'm 100% confident in myself and I know I wouldn't be looking at her in a weird way - but obviously she doesn't know the context of what is going on and she could easily assume something like 'he's looking at me in a creepy way' and feel uncomfortable  - when I'm not, I'm not like that at all. 

Link to comment
55 minutes ago, Rem said:

I understand what you are trying to say, but I'm more worried about the fact that what she thinks of me. I'm 100% confident in myself and I know I wouldn't be looking at her in a weird way - but obviously she doesn't know the context of what is going on and she could easily assume something like 'he's looking at me in a creepy way' and feel uncomfortable  - when I'm not, I'm not like that at all. 

Assuming that's even the case - which you have no proof of because it's an assumption that you're making about a person you have never met and don't know - that would be her stuff though not yours.  You can't control what people think of you.  It's just not possible.  So you have to get good with the idea that a misunderstanding might happen.

If you run through the scenario you're outlining for us what is your ultimate fear?  She thinks you're creepy and then what?  Where does that thought take you?

Link to comment
14 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

She thinks you're creepy and then what?  Where does that thought take you?

I don't know, I start thinking she'll start telling people or report me or something and it'll make me look like a total creep.

Link to comment

Right so you've gone from someone being in your field of vision while you were both in the same room in a public place to her being uncomfortable with that and then telling other people and those other people thinking badly of you which I would assume would then go on to have other consequences and the situation in your head, if you followed it to the end of the line, would be so awful that you don't know how you would deal with it or something similar?  And to avoid that happening you're thinking of never going back to that gym again and I would imagine a bunch other contingencies as you try to solve the problem.

However the problem does not exist.  It is highly, highly, highly unlikely that that series of events would come to pass because of a couple of moments that were only, as far as we know, awkward to you *because you have OCD* and are therefore primed to assume the worst.  You're textbook catastrophising here.  If you can take a step back and look at the situation removed from the assumptions you are making and the fears that underpin those you should be able to see that what you're worrying about makes no sense and isn't worth the time you're devoting to it.  

You did nothing wrong.  Sure your OCD is telling you you did but that's all there is to it.  

Edited by ocdjonesy
Link to comment
31 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

You did nothing wrong.  Sure your OCD is telling you you did but that's all there is to it.  

Thanks @ocdjonesy, I'll take the advice you have offered and will attempt to put this behind me. 

Link to comment
19 hours ago, Rem said:

 

I'm not sure if you are just being intellectually dishonest or willfuly misunderstanding what I'm saying, but the way you seem to perceive what I am saying is totally wrong. You say 'don't look in her direction'. I don't mean to look in her direction I'm not actively trying to look in her direction, I just look around the room sometimes while I'm thinking and she just happens to be in my line of sight. It's a series of bad roll of the dice every time. She just happens to be there every time I'm daydreaming/in a trance. I don't even know she's there, I cannot help doing that, it's something I've done since I was very young. It's literally pure chance she's there. 

If all you want is appeasement and told to forget about it, you know who to talk to.

We do live in a time of great social changes and I wonder if your OP indicates that you are grappling with these ideas internally.

I'm actually trying to be honest with you. Let's just examine two sentences;

'panicking about a girl in the gym'. So either she is a girl or a young woman and you referring to her as 'a girl', indicated that there is a significant age gap between you and her, and as you corrected yourself and called her 'a woman', indicates that you are aware of the social shifts and you are capable of retraining your mind.

'this is something I've done since I was little', surely you aren't claiming that we all don't restructure our thinking continually. We restructure our thinking based on our own reasoning and examination of our own thoughts, based on experience, based on changing societal norms, etc. You could easily if you want to, stop looking around the gym.

So yes you are over thinking it, but that is probably a good thing, until you've resolved it your mind. 

The problem is if you don't make changes, and this meeting of eyes keeps happening, what could be the outcome(I'm sure you are aware that young women are outing men who stare at them in gyms, on social media).

I doubt leaving the gym, is a solution. So simply avoiding her by not looking in her direction or avoiding times when she is there will stop this situation.

 

 

Link to comment

@howard

These are the recommendations I would classify as adding compulsions/avoidance behaviours that will just fuel ocd further:

3 hours ago, howard said:

You could easily if you want to, stop looking around the gym.

 

3 hours ago, howard said:

yes you are over thinking it, but that is probably a good thing, until you've resolved it your mind. 

 

3 hours ago, howard said:

So simply avoiding her by not looking in her direction or avoiding times when she is there will stop this situation.

 Those are all recommendations that would only fuel the ocd further. 

 

I completely agree with all what @ocdjonesy said in her posts. Move on, go to the gym when you feel like, look around the room. No big deal!

Link to comment

 

14 hours ago, howard said:

We do live in a time of great social changes and I wonder if your OP indicates that you are grappling with these ideas internally.

No idea what this means

14 hours ago, howard said:

indicated that there is a significant age gap between you and her,

I didn't indicate anything. She seems to be a similar age to me. The fact that you make these assumptions is just bizarre. 

14 hours ago, howard said:

and as you corrected yourself and called her 'a woman', indicates that you are aware of the social shifts and you are capable of retraining your mind.

and I have no clue what you are trying to say here either. I was originally correcting myself due to a previous comment and said I use the word 'girl' for women as a previous comment asked about it. 

14 hours ago, howard said:

stop looking around the gym.

@ocdjonesy, @McW, @L.M. have all said that what you have suggested would be classed as an avoidance so this is really confusing me 

12 hours ago, howard said:

And just to reassure you @Rem these sort of awkward, or perceived as awkward, situations happen to most of us.

I appreciate you are trying to help me calm down @howard, but your comments have upset me.

 @Caramoole

Edited by Rem
Link to comment

@howard I'm sorry if I came across as rude when I was questioning whether you were being intellectually dishonest or willfully misunderstanding, but it seems like you were genuinely ignoring what I had said and just being confrontational to me. Every time I tried to explain it again - you would just completely ignore my point and it frustrated me. So I'm sorry for that, but I was upset by your comments

 

Edited by Rem
Link to comment
9 hours ago, Rem said:

@howard I'm sorry if I came across as rude when I was questioning whether you were being intellectually dishonest or willfully misunderstanding, but it seems like you were genuinely ignoring what I had said and just being confrontational to me. Every time I tried to explain it again - you would just completely ignore my point and it frustrated me. So I'm sorry for that, but I was upset by your comments

 

It's alright @Rem. I was just reading what you wrote. I understand that this awkward situation has occurred and going by your OP it is upsetting you and you are feeling 'guilty' but you aren't sure why as you haven't really done anything. 

So while the general consensus is to forget it and carry on, and while I think that will probably satisfy many posters with situations, there are odd occasions when I think we need to take control of the situation and change the way we think or act. You are thinking about what may happen if this continues.

But maybe a different approach is changing your view on a gym. I mean it is like a public space but each person has their own personal space within it. So if people just want to go there and work out in their own personal space, they don't want to think about other people, they don't want anyone entering their space or entering that space with their gaze. It is obviously something that young women are sensitive to when they are wearing tight exercise clothing and working out.

I also look around at everything all the time. Because I find everything fascinating. but that's appropriate in open spaces like in nature, or in real public spaces, etc.

 

Link to comment
4 hours ago, howard said:

But maybe a different approach is changing your view on a gym. I mean it is like a public space but each person has their own personal space within it. So if people just want to go there and work out in their own personal space, they don't want to think about other people, they don't want anyone entering their space or entering that space with their gaze. It is obviously something that young women are sensitive to when they are wearing tight exercise clothing and working out.

I also look around at everything all the time. Because I find everything fascinating. but that's appropriate in open spaces like in nature, or in real public spaces, etc.

Sorry Howard, but I don't see how this helps Rem, or indeed how it would help anybody with OCD to go in the direction you suggest, as it simply feeds their OCD fears that they shouldn't risk gazing too long. :confused1: 

Can you see the difference between someone actually gazing/ staring long enough to cause someone discomfort (which wasn't the case here) and someone with OCD thinking they might have gazed too long and done wrong such that they then ruminate on it and imagine all kinds of consequences and problems have arisen from it and berate themselves for the perceived wrongdoing (which is where Rem is at.) Huge difference.

It's the same as any other OCD theme - the person fears doing harm/ doing wrong and worries they have acted on their fear. That doesn't mean there has been any actual wrongdoing, so responding as it the wrongdoing was real isn't helpful.

Link to comment

I don't know what exactly happened. I mean if two people look at each other then their expressions say it all. So if those two people nodded, or smiled, that would be a sign of acknowledgement. It's obviously only the OP who knows and can decide what to do.

I mean I think many people wonder what a certain look or gesture meant. I spent two days recently trying to work out what a certain gesture meant(not consciously), then it came to me. 

 

Link to comment
8 hours ago, howard said:

I don't know what exactly happened. I mean if two people look at each other then their expressions say it all. So if those two people nodded, or smiled, that would be a sign of acknowledgement. It's obviously only the OP who knows and can decide what to do.

We looked at eachother for less than a second and then I looked away. There was no negative facial expression on her face and she did smile at me once

Link to comment

@Rem, you’ve done nothing wrong. Work on getting your OCD under control so you don’t have to be troubled so needlessly anymore. 

@howard, why do you continue to make this more complicated than it needs to be or insinuate Rem has actually done anything questionable? Practically everything I’ve read from you is incredibly unhelpful at best. 

Link to comment
On 25/05/2022 at 20:58, Rem said:

I don't know, I start thinking she'll start telling people or report me or something and it'll make me look like a total creep.

I just wanted to say that I really understand this thought process. The idea that someone could misinterpret the way I look at them is truly the bane of my existence. And that thought spiral following, how will this affect me within society etc..

I totally get what you mean about her not understanding the context. I fear social rejection/isolation so much that something as innocent as a glance or expression can lead to so many disastrous consequences in my head. I suppose its about allowing yourself to be perceived without controlling the outcome because theres not much you can do but accept uncertainty. When I start ruminating after these situations I try to just say “it already happened, i cant change what they think” which feels ****** but also helps me let it go a little.

In the past my family have accused me a lot, blaming me for their issues and things that weren’t my responsibility. Judging my facial expressions, appearance and body language. My autonomy was an issue to them. 

In order to keep the peace I try way too hard to make others comfortable. I wonder if you experienced something similar, or if there is some reason you're avoiding conflict.

 

Link to comment

@HelloItsMeHi, thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. I'm trying my best to move on. I may just stop looking at this thread entirely to be honest because some comments really aren't helping me. 

2 hours ago, thinks2much said:

I totally get what you mean about her not understanding the context. I fear social rejection/isolation so much that something as innocent as a glance or expression can lead to so many disastrous consequences in my head. I suppose its about allowing yourself to be perceived without controlling the outcome because theres not much you can do but accept uncertainty.

Hello @thinks2muchThis sounds like I've written it lol. So similar to me. 

2 hours ago, thinks2much said:

In the past my family have accused me a lot, blaming me for their issues and things that weren’t my responsibility. Judging my facial expressions, appearance and body language. My autonomy was an issue to them. 

I haven't experienced this so much, my family are quite supportive.

Link to comment

It happened again. I was at the gym and wanted to get my flask out of my bag as I got it out and unscrewed the lid to drink and as I stood up from the crouching position while drinking I saw her looking at me. Perhaps she is keeping an eye on me and is scared. What should I do? I'm so scared myself, I didn't even mean to look at her. I can't take this, why do I have such bad luck.

Link to comment

The only thing that happened again is you jumping to conclusions.  All the stuff I said last time still stands.  You're putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with FREAK OUT.  There are a million and one reasons your eyes could have met from she finds you attractive to she just happened to be looking in your direction.  If you're not actively creeping on her then there's nothing to worry about.  

Put it down, let the anxiety pass and move on with your week.

Link to comment
7 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

your eyes could have met from she finds you attractive

Definitely not the case, I'm not attractive. 

7 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

she just happened to be looking in your direction

I hope it was just that, but I just can't believe it. Considering the lack of context she has and all she can take from this is someone looking at her multiple times, I can't see it being this either. 

7 minutes ago, ocdjonesy said:

If you're not actively creeping on her then there's nothing to worry about.  

Definitely not. I'm not like that at all. I'm worried about how she perceives me though. If I was her and I lacked context, I would be a bit weirded out. 

Edited by Rem
Link to comment
11 minutes ago, Rem said:

Definitely not. I'm not like that at all. I'm worried about how she perceives me though. If I was her and I lacked context, I would be a bit weirded out. 

By what?  Another person with eyes being in the same space as her at the same time?  Why is her only possible motivation in this situation to be creeped out?  I mean, other than the fact you're making it up in your head because you're worried that's the case.  You have literally no proof other than that.  All you're doing is seeing it that way because that's your fear.

Your fears and reality are not the same thing.  

Link to comment

Women don't stare at men and try and keep an eye on them if they creep us out. We actively avoid them and avoid eye contact. It's instinctive. So if she's looking at you a lot then there's absolutely no way that she thinks you're a creep. You're overthinking this and should put it all to bed.

Link to comment

@ocdjonesy @Lynz thank you both, sorry for getting coming back and posting about this but I've just really got into my own head this past week and I haven't been feeling great. Thank you for the replies

Edited by Rem
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...