Contamination OCD - arghhhh!!!

[Lorna02]

Since I finished my online CBT sessions, I felt rather demoralised that I hadn't made the progress I had hoped for and for the past month or so had kind of given up trying to help myself, thinking maybe I was beyond help and would be stuck with this for life. The progress I had made in regards to my unwanted/intrusive thoughts started to slip away and they began to rear their ugly heads again. This is the last thing I wanted, so I know I have to step up and believe that I can change! I just got so incredibly disappointed after my online therapy sessions that I couldn't tackle my contamination OCD, in fact, I feel like i made no progress whatsoever, it was and still is in control of me! I know from previously talking on here that face to face CBT therapy may be a better option for me so I may have to get myself onto one of these long waiting lists if I want to try and get better, which I desperately do! I was also advised to maybe talk about some of the problems I am having on here to see if anyone can possibly offer some advice, so here goes.... 

In regards to my contamination OCD, it probably started about 10 years a go and I believe certain events may have triggered it. One being my nephews and one being my uncle. When my nephews were born I remember their nappies being changed on the carpet floor and then hands not being washed afterwards, just rinsed under water as if that would clean them! My mind would go into overdrive thinking germs were being spread around and it was out of my control. Everything felt like it was contaminated. My uncle also has health problems which means he has 'toilet issues' and there have been some occasions that have totally grossed me out!! I know it is not his fault but I feel this has massively contributed to me having a fear of germs/bacteria. I won't go into all the details, but I started to dread him coming to stay with us. This gradually got worse and worse and I started believing he would contaminate everything he touched with germs and after he went home I would obsessively try and clean everything. I would feel anxious, uncomfortable and stressed in my own home for quite some time. I made excuses not to go to his house as in my head it was all contaminated. I feel awful saying this, but for the past couple of years Covid meant he couldn't come up and stay with us and that was a huge relief to me. Now things are pretty much back to normal Covid wise, I have more than ever before an absolute fear and dread of him coming up or having to go down to his house. I can't bear the thought of everything becoming contaminated again and then trying to obsessively clean everything, which is impossible and I just end up feeling so mentally and physically exhausted. I even believe that things from months/years ago can remain contaminated and if I touch them I will be responsible for re-contaminating everything all over again. I know it all sounds pretty crazy, but my uncle is my main trigger and I just don't know how to change that. Soon there will come a time when he visits and the thought makes me feel physically sick. I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way because my uncle is actually a really nice person. 

My online therapist couldn't understand why I feel the way I do, she just kept asking me "but what would be so bad if things were contamination". She couldn't really understand why I didn't have a fear of the germs making me or my family ill and because we struggled to find a root cause I think she found me a puzzling case. I remember someone telling me once you can't habituate feelings of disgust but sadly we never got to discuss this any further. I would love to explore this a little more as I definitely feel like disgust plays a huge role in my contamination OCD. I also suffer from Emetophobia, again not a fear or getting ill or others being ill, just a huge phobia of vomiting in public that affects my life greatly. I know the two can be linked and I would love to one day be free from both of these debilitating conditions...

Anyway, so sorry for babbling on, I will shut up now! Thanks for listening...

 

 

 

[James M]

Morning, sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you shouldn’t beat yourself up.

I can only speak from my experiences, but I have had several periods in my life when I’ve had therapy and felt deflated afterwards and would eventually relapse.

Earlier this year I had a massive relapse and went back into therapy, the difference this time for me was accepting that there isn’t a magical cure for me and I have to find a way to live with it. Since this recent realisation I have been doing daily mental exercises and feel more optimistic about the future then ever before.

anyway, appreciate we are all different and I hope you find what works for you.

[Wren]

Hi Lorna, I don't have significant contamination ocd, but my understanding is that it is quite common for compulsions to be motivated by a need to get rid of a feeling of disgust, rather than a fear of illness etc., so the fact your therapist didn't know that suggests they were not very experienced in dealing with ocd.

As for disgust being something that can't be habituated to, I'm very doubtful that is true. Disgust is also partly learnt behaviour - hence different cultures have different understandings of what is considered disgusting. Don't give up hope yet. 

[ocdqueen7]

Hi

I also have contamination ocd, and i am also triggered by certain people and it really sucks because I feel like a horrible person for avoiding them and not wanting to see them. But the extensive compulsions that follow are so exhausting and mentally draining that it’s just not worth it :(

also therapists are always asking me “what’s the worse that could happen”, “what’s so bad about contamination”. From personal experience I hate it when I am asked it, because honestly, I have no idea. but I have asked several therapists and psychologists why they keep asking that and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they do not understand, they are trying to challenge my thoughts and make me challenge my belief that something is contaminated. 

[GreenyGreen23]

I think a lot of it can be luck of the draw and if you can connect well with your therapist. My first round of CBT failed because of a few reasons but I just didn’t connect with who I had, she was lovely but it just didn’t work. 

 

whereas now two years later my second therapist is completely different and I am doing much better. Although I’m just getting on to my contamination ERP so we’ll see?! but I connect with this therapist, so it works and I feel positive. Fingers crossed?!

Just to say I have feelings of disgust on a day to day basis so you are not alone and it’s good we have this forum to talk to one another. Self help books might be an option to think about to, and finding a good gp, my gp is a diamond I don’t know where I would be without her. Take care