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My OCD life,day dot to 43


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I was born in a very liberal life,in my younger years from day dot I had a problem with germs,I would wash my hands in near boiling water and open my bedroom door with my elbows,if my hands touched my sheets I would need to wash them.

Moving on to secondary school I was popular,I had many girlfriends but I also got heavily involved in many drugs,I hung around with people much older who found it funny how high I became.

I thought I was ok but I used to sexuauly fantasize normal things 

As I reached mid teens my drug influenced mind took a darker turn through fantasies,I have told 4 people about this,my mum and dad,my wife and my last phycologist. 

My last phycologist stood up and shook my hand,she was great,she said I had given myself a life sentence for thoughts,my mum dad and wife were very supportive

 

I go through many themes but it comes back to my disgust that I entertained thoughts then that I find so abhorrent as a  man now.

I am haunted by those thoughts I entertained.

The themes will change but it always comes back to that disgust and self hate,it's so removed from who I am morally and how my heart sees the world.

I was living abroad when I remembered what I had entertained and my world fell apart, everything I looked at either died or became sexual and life has never been the same,

Sorry to all who find this disturbing,I am a lost soul

 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Sorry to all who find this disturbing,I am a lost soul

I don't believe you are a lost soul at all, NLL. You have OCD, which with the right treatment you can recover from and lead a happy, fulfilling life. Your age is not a disadvantage or a predictor of whether you will get better or not. Many former sufferers didn't start getting better until they were in their 40s, 50s and beyond, but once they did they never looked back.

When do you start therapy?

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I have OCD lovely lynz but I entertained really bad stuff In my head as a teen and maby twenty,this differs from OCD thoughts.

I believe I was abused by older people who found me a guinea pig but still I cannot accept the sick entertainment I played out in my head

It always comes back to the realization of where I went in my head,acid,es,speed,you name it,I've done them all,it's still no excuse,

When I came back from abroad,I was destroyed,I spent 3 years in my room rocking and sleeping through the disgust of my altered mind.

I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for what Ive thought,

 

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2 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for what Ive thought

Fine, so stop trying to.

Far more important than forgiving yourself is to understand that your brain is currently not capable of thinking straight.

You're not in the right mindframe to make decisions. You're not able to think clearly and rationally. Which has led you to get stuck on this thing in your past and to believe all kinds of weird stuff such as

- you have to confess

- when confessing you're only being honest

- your wife doesn't know the 'real' you

and more.

All nonsense. But you can't see that it's nonsense because your brain isn't working properly just now.

Forget forgiving yourself. Hold onto the thought that with therapy you can get your brain thinking normally again.

Step 1 of that process is to resist this self-flageelation, resist thinking about the past, resist confessing.

Get you mind onto something else. Learn all your friends telephone numbers, lose yourself in a book or TV programme, or even just get some sleep.

All you have to do tonight is stop going over this and get your mind onto something else - anything else.

Can you do that?

 

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I think one of the problems of having a very liberal upbringing is that you kind of end up being taught to only follow your emotions rather than rational thought or use self-discipline to follow rules. In fact, you can end up being taught that self-discipline is actively wrong because people who don't 'go with the flow' are uncool, and therefore bad. This can make therapy harder because you are not used to the concept that emotions and automatic thoughts can be wrong and you do not have to listen to them, as well as the idea it is possible to use self-discipline to direct your behaviour. The problem is that in order to overcome ocd you do need to be able to use self-discipline to ignore automatic thoughts and emotions, and resist carrying out behaviours, and not just once, but over and over again for days, weeks and even months and years. It's not easy for anyone but it's even more difficult if it's not how you have been taught to be. It's not going to be easy NLL but it is possible, you can beat this. 

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Thank you for your time and insight 

I really have hit rock bottom,I have been haunted by these fantasies for many years,I believe all my other themes are somehow connected to them as they are what destroyed me,I agree that if u have a liberal family then something has to put the breaks on,it is really hard to not look at the past,these teenage fantasies were  I believe as bad as they get, totally away from my morals and if there is such a thing as evil then in that category,if spent twenty years on and off in shock if you could get PTSD from you own thoughts that would be me,it's hard to think I will ever be able to accept myself as I don't think I will ever be able to accept I had such wrong fantasies for some teenage sick confused pleasure

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You don't need to accept who you were in the past, you just need to get on with the business of being a healthy, good enough husband, father, friend, etc right now, at this moment in time. The past has gone. 

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4 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I would love to see the past as gone,it haunts me,I have so many years of feeling like a monster,the work needed seems impossible to see myself as even just ok

Think of it like this. Nothing in terms of thoughts or actions before NOW exists anymore. Their only existence is in our memories, and even they are selective.

I'm sure many people do things when they are young, that they may regret, but most people learn from their mistakes, change their thinking or behaviour and move on.

People define themselves by how they are now, not by how they once were. It's part of growing and growing up to become the person they want to be.

Be positive that you can get better, can transcend your past and that your therapist can help you if you are honest and put the work into growing and changing.

 

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Thanks mate,I'm willing to do the work,I've got to be honest though that I don't think the huge majority of people would have entertained the things I did as a drug fueled kid,it's very bad for my soul and extremely hard to live with,OCD or not

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I do gbg X 

They take it in turns and all consume,the theme ATM is the one that destroyed me 20 years ago,they weren't intrusive like I've said but the were horrific and living knowing that I could willfully have thought such evil within myself so opposite to how I want the world to be is a heavy cross to carry,like I said I've only told 4 people,drugs definitely wired my head at the time to a very dark perverted state,I understand it's OCD now but they really were very very wrong x

 

 

 

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59 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I don't think the huge majority of people would have entertained the things I did as a drug fueled kid,it's very bad for my soul and extremely hard to live with,OCD or not

 

30 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

,like I said I've only told 4 people,drugs definitely wired my head at the time to a very dark perverted state,I understand it's OCD now but they really were very very wrong x

NLL, this is where specialist help from trained medical and clinical professionals is required.  From what you are saying it does appear that there are much wider mental health issues at play and these need to be dealt with by your appropriate medical and clinical people.

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I told my last phycolagist,she stood up shook my hand and said I'd given my self a life sentence for something I've never done,it took all my courage to tell her and she helped,that was over 3 years ago,just don't know how long I can do the same cycle,feel better then fall back down to dispair

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