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How to be calm when facing the fear.


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Hello,

I have a concert to go too tomorrow in London.  This means a walk to my train station, a 50 minute train journey and then  a 10 minute taxi ride. And then being in a packed venue.

These are all things I hate and I just don't see the point of going when I'm so happy at home, and I never feel as though anything is missing from my life when I'm at home doing things within "My Window Of Tolerance". So why the heck am I going to this concert I ask myself.

I'm going to do something different with my husband. My husband has more of a need to do things than I do. So its a show that is a band he follows. You may ask why don't I stay at home and goes without me. This is because the situation planned for tomorrow is terrible for me, but hubby going without me would be 100 times worse for me mentally. I would just spend the whole time worrying about his safety and the cleaniness of things that I can't see. And I would then be overrun with these thoughts for at least a week after the event.

It seems if I go to the concert or stay at home, I can't win either way.

Any tips would be greatly received. 

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Hi Milly,

I can see it will be a tough day for you in some ways, but you should be proud of yourself for going. Both because it takes you out of your comfort zone and challenges your OCD, and because you're aware of his need to get out more and are supporting your husband. :)

My top tip is not to anticipate difficulties until/ unless they present themselves.

Set out with the mindset that everything will be ok and that if your OCD does get challenged you will cope with it in as practical and nonplussed way as you can.

It'll be something different to your usual routine and that's good for your brain (and your OCD) in so many ways. Embrace the opportunity and enjoy the concert! :band:

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42 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Hi Milly,

I can see it will be a tough day for you in some ways, but you should be proud of yourself for going. Both because it takes you out of your comfort zone and challenges your OCD, and because you're aware of his need to get out more and are supporting your husband. :)

My top tip is not to anticipate difficulties until/ unless they present themselves.

Set out with the mindset that everything will be ok and that if your OCD does get challenged you will cope with it in as practical and nonplussed way as you can.

It'll be something different to your usual routine and that's good for your brain (and your OCD) in so many ways. Embrace the opportunity and enjoy the concert! :band:

 

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Many thanks for your reply. It is so helpful to feel heard.

I have said to my husband on several occasions that he would be better off without me. Then he could do what he wants & not have to worry about me & my OCD.  And selfishly I could then do what I want and not feel as though I'm holding him back. And therefore not continuously feel like I should always be doing more. 

I know my existence without the man I love who loves me in return would be an empty life. But would I feel freer from the OCD if I only had me to worry about & take into consideration?

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1 hour ago, Milly8 said:

And selfishly I could then do what I want and not feel as though I'm holding him back.

Hmm... :dry:

OCD can make people act very selfishly. Out of character. It demands and they give.

And because you're afraid, you comply with its every whim.

Just like a human emotional abuser, the OCD voice in your head then it convinces you that it's your fault! That your selfish. That your partner would be better off without you.

You need to recognise that's the OCD talking.

Despite what the voice tells you, that's not you being rational. Or you being caring. Or you putting your husband first.

That's you scared into submission, doing OCD's bidding, too afraid to stand up to your bullying abuser and tell it to get lost.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to do just that. Tell OCD to get lost. Be present in the moment as yourself, enjoying some special time with the man you love. :)

 

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27 minutes ago, snowbear said:

That's you scared into submission, doing OCD's bidding, too afraid to stand up to your bullying abuser and tell it to get lost.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to do just that. Tell OCD to get lost. Be present in the moment as yourself, enjoying some special time with the man you love. :)

Absolutely :yes:

I was that person you are, decades ago.  Worrying for days or weeks about up and coming events. Sitting next to the aisle in theatres, cinemas, churches.  Finding every excuse under the sun "not" to attend events.  I changed that and faced the fear rather than opting for the easy option......now it's a thing of the past.  Don't opt for the easy option, it just takes more until the comfortable becomes uncomfortable.

Good Luck with the concert....just do your best & watch that internal self talk

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I did it. I felt awful but I did it. Then on the way home the train was packed solid and the only seats available were next to the loo. Because my husband uses a walking stick, I couldn't expect him to stand, so I stayed strong & sat with my husband by the toilet. I did feel extremely overwhelmed and I still do. I've been home 2 and a half hours & I still can't switch off to go too sleep. My jaw is feeling really tight, this is a new extra symptom of anxiety for me.

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Well done. You did it. It was the right decision. There's bound to be something difficult when you go out but this is normal life and you are supporting the man you love which it's definitely good for you to experience and to stretch yourself a little bit. The benefits of being unselfish, brave and supportive to your husband will soon outweigh the discomfort and uncertainty you feel now i think. Perhaps you could concentrate on doing some relaxing breathing exercises and try to accept you did the right thing.

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Well Done Milly, be proud of yourself :)

Try & keep setting yourself targets.  This was a big one, they don't all need to be but keep getting out of your comfort zone regularly with small exposures & build on them.  Staying home may be a very comfortable prison but it's still a prison.  You've shown you can do this, build up smaller experiences often so that in future the big challenges aren't quite so big.  

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On 11/06/2022 at 11:26, Milly8 said:

Hi Bendylouise,

Many thanks for your  kind reply and words of wisdom. Do you have any breathing techniques that you can recommend?

It’s said you can breathe as a calm person would & this calms you. I find it good to have a reward planned.

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