Can't shake the guilt

[Lynz]

I agree with what others have said, all this is doing is dredging up the past for no reason. You've already told your wife about the infidelity numerous times. Who started it or ended it or who exactly did what doesn't really matter. If you started it and then carried on then you still cheated, if she started it and then you responded to it and carried on then you still cheated. If you ended it first you still cheated, or if she ended it first then you still cheated. Your OCD is hyperfixating on a tiny insignificant detail in the whole event and making it seem like everything hinges on that detail when it doesn't. Your wife already knows that you cheated and you worked through that as a couple at the time, and she has made her choice to stick with you and move forward with her life. By bringing it back up again for no reason all it will do is jeopardise your marriage even further and cause further upset to you and your wife.

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by Lynz

[howard]

41 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thank you Howard,that make a lot of sense

I'm still trying to make sense of the forms OCD can take, but there does seem to be a series of connected emotions; guilt, fear, anxiety, etc, that some of us are unable to process properly. Let's hope your therapist can help you do that or at least understand it.

Here's some starter info>    https://eastbaybehaviortherapycenter.com/ocd-series-confess/

 

[Nolightleft]

I hope so Howard,thanks for the link

Hi lynz,this all started when my wife after years said it didn't make sense that I stopped it downstairs but ended up on top of her bed,I basically constructed a story to make myself not look as bad as I was ,I told her I stopped it quickly but it went on longer and nearly got caught by her man,I have made amends with him,I can't change this awful past I just wish I had been brutal y honest in the beginning rather than suger coating it,I really hope my therapist can help,I'm really on the edge,

[northpaul]

13 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I really hope my therapist can help,I'm really on the edge,

Hello NLL, when is your next therapy session?

[Nolightleft]

Wednesday mate

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

I hope so Howard,thanks for the link

Hi lynz,this all started when my wife after years said it didn't make sense that I stopped it downstairs but ended up on top of her bed,I basically constructed a story to make myself not look as bad as I was ,I told her I stopped it quickly but it went on longer and nearly got caught by her man,I have made amends with him,I can't change this awful past I just wish I had been brutal y honest in the beginning rather than suger coating it,I really hope my therapist can help,I'm really on the edge,

As Lynz said, none of this matters today....you cheated on your Wife...she knows about it, you've even told her about the updated details and she's simply asked to put her blinkers on and for you to revert to your former description.  But jus like your "Fantasy" obsession of the last few months, this is just another obsession and you're feeding it with endless compulsions....rumination, reassurance seeking etc etc.  The first thing you need to do is accept that this is OCD and then start looking at ways of reducing your compulsions, particularly rumination.  Rumination doesn't just happen to us, it is we ourselves who are having that internal conversation.  You can start to change that

[Nolightleft]

How do I stop ruminating,I want to be free,I've read so much but I just can't stop,I've watched polar bears video and all sorts,I can't stop

[Caramoole]

You literally train yourself.  Ruminating isn't automatic it's an internal thinking process.  We think the thoughts, the questions, the conversations, we drive it.....so with lots of repeated effort, we can stop it.  You have to literally train yourself to notice, to catch yourself when you drift into one of these thinking cycles and then stop the conversation.  Your mind is inclined to drift back (these are seemingly important questions/doubts/evidence) you stop it again and again.  Rumination is a conversation....."How can I be certain....but what if......but how do I know that.....I must be a pervert....surely it's better to confess......I can't stand this......this is too much......I'm having a breakdown"  It's a conversation just as surely as one from your mouth, one spoken out loud and you can stop that at any time because it would be inappropriate, embarrassing  etc.  You have to learn to notice the process and then stop......over and over at first.  I honestly know it's not easy but it can be learned.  Purists would say do nothing and sit with the anxiety but if you're not remotely managing that I think distraction can be an effective tool rather than doing nothing.  Still "notice" when you're ruminating, acknowledge that this is because you have OCD and then do something that distracts that part of your brain......learn a chunk of poetry or lyrics of a song, recite or sing lyrics you know, do a logic or crossword puzzle, think of an A to Z list of bands or singers......do something until you learn the knack of stopping your brain drifting off.  You have to apply yourself, not just for a couple of hours but time and again.  Start giving it a try tomorrow and report back.  Sign it up on the challenge thread and then hopefully you can upgrade it to the Achievements thread

[Nolightleft]

Thanks caramoole,it's literally every second of every day

[Nolightleft]

I'm so so stupid,sorry I didn't stop 

I googled telling the details when you cheated and it said people who share details are more likely to stay together,I kono I know I'm a fool,it spoke about how it's good to share the details for healing 

I'm a fool and should have just listened to people on here but then I use this forum long, totally screwed myself up now,I'm so week with compulsions,it just gets to much now I'm starting to believe if I didn't have OCD I should still share the details,my wife just knows details that were a lie

 

 

[Caramoole]

I am going to close this thread now because you're not taking any of the positives from it and sadly, it's just an outlet for compulsions which are maintaining the distress.  If you want to get to a place where this isn't every second of every day, you are going to have to try and utilise the advice given in therapy and here.  You do have the choice to continue as you are and staying in this awful, paralyzing state or you do have the choice to at least try to make some of those changes.  I know it's difficult but so is the life you're living day after day.  I strongly urge you to really think about that because this isn't beyond your control.  At the moment you're a product of the actions you're taking and steadily you could change that.

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm so so stupid,sorry I didn't stop 

I googled telling the details when you cheated and it said people who share details are more likely to stay together,I kono I know I'm a fool,it spoke about how it's good to share the details for healing 

Two points......

In your case we're talking about OCD  not generalised advice on relationships or infidelity

It's odd how much faith and  credibility people put in bits of information they read on random web sites ( as above) and yet ignore the advice and information that is well researched  about how a condition like OCD manifests and how it can be effectively treated.