Haven't felt this bad in a long time SO-OCD (merged threads)

[lonelygirl91]

I've been feeling really awful this past week. I think the spike was Rebel Wilson coming out. I keep ruminating what if I want to be with a woman? My mind has latched onto this girl that I know. What if I'm attracted to her and would want to be with her?

I'm pro LGBT but just dont want to be with a woman myself. Ruminating and the idea of being with a woman makes me tense and depressed. I feel so miserable. I keep testing and pushing my mind mentally testing scenarios like how would I feel if I was to kiss her and do things with her. My body tenses up and I feel so anxious when I think about it but my mind makes me think that I would enjoy it. I test to get the reaction of disgust but when I get the opposite I get anxious. It's not a fantasy because fantasies are enjoyable and don't make you stressed and anxious. When I think about men I enjoy the fantasies and they makes me happy and good (though sexually frustrated that I don't have a guy). 

Like I said I'm pro LGBT but just don't want to be with a woman myself. 

Also I keep thinking what if I'm lesbian or bi because with my ex boyfriend the sex wasn't great and things didn't always feel right. Initially I wasn't really that attracted to him though towards the end I became more attracted to him. However he was very intense, clingy and sensitive and he never made me laugh. I felt that he was very distance with me and was childish and serious which put me off. He was a bit too emotional and childish which put me off. I wanted to give him a chance initially though I had reservations. He was very messed up and broke up with me anyway because he had a messed up relationship pattern of pursuing short but intense relationships (another thing which put me off when he told me has had 20 short term relationships). He was messed up and has a messed up dad who cheated on his mum and is in an open relationship with a women my ex's age!! 

Edited June 20, 2022 by lonelygirl91

[lonelygirl91]

Also I have a friend who came out as a lesbian and for her it was an exciting and happy time and she looked so happy when she talked about women. 

[lonelygirl91]

Why is no one answering my posts?

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, lonelygirl91 said:

Why is no one answering my posts?

Probably because of the time it is That aside.....I just wonder what replies you're looking for   As you've described, you're ruminating about these things because of OCD.  Are you having any success in perhaps looking at the things you could try to help change the rumination that is maintaining the distress?

 

[lonelygirl91]

10 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Probably because of the time it is That aside.....I just wonder what replies you're looking for   As you've described, you're ruminating about these things because of OCD.  Are you having any success in perhaps looking at the things you could try to help change the rumination that is maintaining the distress?

 

Thank you for your reply. I find keeping busy helps. My mind doesn't want to ruminate anymore. I think it's just so exhausted and doesn't want to go there anymore. Rumination takes serious effort especially when you're looking for certain responses and feelings. Is this typical of OCD? Does OCD twist your mind and make you seem like you could desire something that you don't want. When I get the result that I want (disgust at these thoughts) I feel happy and relieved and then I test more to make sure but when I get the result that I don't want (my mind making it seem like I could desire these thoughts and be a lesbian/bi despite deep anxiety), it creates even more anxiety, doubt and depression.

Edited June 21, 2022 by lonelygirl91

[howard]

It does sound like you've got a number of thoughts which are unsettling and confusing you. Plus the memories of your ex-boyfriend and seeing a friend come out and find she's happier.

 

I would try to quiet or distract your mind for now. Maybe you could find a friend or therapist to talk to, or maybe someone on here has a similar experience.

 

[lonelygirl91]

1 hour ago, howard said:

It does sound like you've got a number of thoughts which are unsettling and confusing you. Plus the memories of your ex-boyfriend and seeing a friend come out and find she's happier.

 

I would try to quiet or distract your mind for now. Maybe you could find a friend or therapist to talk to, or maybe someone on here has a similar experience.

 

I don't really want to talk to anybody about it as most people don't understand OCD and will say that I'm bi or gay and should embrace it which isn't helpful and would make me more anxious. Therapists in the past have confirmed that I have SO-OCD and am not actually gay or bi. I've been careful which therapists to tell as some don't know much about OCD. My mum knows that I suffer from this form of OCD but she avoids giving me reassurance and expects me to snap out of it. She's supportive but she has her own worries and I don't want to trouble her.

Edited June 21, 2022 by lonelygirl91

[James M]

Sounds like your previous experiences have really affected you. It’s could that you want to do something positive and I would recommend therapy as I cannot tell you how much it’s helped me. Also, there are some useful books which could help. Hope you find something which works for you 

[lonelygirl91]

Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one . It'd be good to share experiences. 

[lonelygirl91]

Anyone? I guess I'm alone.

[howard]

On 21/06/2022 at 14:56, lonelygirl91 said:

I don't really want to talk to anybody about it as most people don't understand OCD and will say that I'm bi or gay and should embrace it which isn't helpful and would make me more anxious. Therapists in the past have confirmed that I have SO-OCD and am not actually gay or bi. I've been careful which therapists to tell as some don't know much about OCD. My mum knows that I suffer from this form of OCD but she avoids giving me reassurance and expects me to snap out of it. She's supportive but she has her own worries and I don't want to trouble her.

I think in some ways giving your form of OCD a label probably helps you. How did your therapist recommend you manage these thoughts?

But your OCD follows the same pattern as many other peoples. So many of us give massive over importance to some ideas. If we have some anxiety issues then those ideas can obsesses us to the point where we believe they are real. (with me> If I touch something and put my finger in my mouth I will get ill, but in reality it's very unlikely).

Plus like you said, your friend coming out, Rebel Wilson. If they trigger your anxiety, thoughts.

It's something we all have to learn how to manage.

 

[snowbear]

Hi lonelygirl,

I wonder if it's not resonating with people because of the acronym? I've been on these forums nearly 17 years and this is the first time I've ever heard anybody refer to SO-OCD.

When I first read the title I thought, somebody is saying they are soooo OCD. As in have got it bad and their OCD theme is sexual orientation.

Another term often used online is 'HOCD'. I think that's the same as your theme. Though it gets confusing what the initials stand for 'Homosexual/ Homophobic/Harm...'   This confusion is partly why we discourage acronyms on the forum.

Another reason not to use acronyms is that all OCD is the same regardless of the theme. When you get your head around the fact the theme is irrelevant you begin to see things much more clearly and it's a big step towards recovery.

Perhaps rather than looking for people to share stories on the same OCD theme, you might benefit more by reading some threads on a different theme to your own.   Look for the commonalities. They give their thoughts meaning, you give your thoughts meaning. The meaning creates anxiety/ disgust or other strong emotions. They do compulsions to reduce their emotional response, you do compulsions to reduce your emotional response.

After a while you begin to see the pattern and get better at recognising the first damaging step in OCD - getting the meaning wrong.

Once you realise 'Oh that's where my thinking got screwed up'    then you're more able to recognise the compulsive behaviours your 'screwed up thinking' (OCD) demands aren't as rational or as necessary as you first thought. And that makes it easier to label it as OCD and resist getting into debates with yourself about whatever your personal theme is on.

What do you think?

[lonelygirl91]

Thank you Howard and Snowbear for the replies. I once had a therapist who said that OCD picks on the things that are most important to you for whether you health, sexuality, identity, relationship etc. Regardless of theme, OCD works in the same way. 

I have other OCD themes too such as health anxiety and POCD though SO-OCD and health anxiety have been my most predominant ones. Sorry to use acronyms. Writing them out can be tiring. 

With mental testing and rumination can OCD make you think that you desire something you don't for example the more I mentally test these scenarios with women my brain makes it seem like I'd want it? Mentally testing is mentally and emotionally draining and conjuring up these scenarios is hard work. My mind doesn't want to do it but I'm forcing it and keeps zoning out and isnt able to focus. Does OCD give you the reaction that you don't want for example lack of disgust one time you test? Why is it one time I test I'm grossed out by these thoughts but the other times I'm not and it seems like I could desire it? Is that OCD? Whenever I mentally test these scenarios I'm anxious the whole time and grimace in disgust. 

[howard]

Yes I can see how this would affect you at a deep level.

You'll have to explain, but most of us that obsess about something then construct rituals to alievate the anxiety.

But your rituals seem to involve mentally testing yourself, playing through the thoughts. Which seems to have the reverse effect.

It probably won't help you but; obsessions with people's sexuality is often external, church, State, media, peer group, etc.

Of course people internalise it. But in reality it's very individual.

 

[Summer9173]

4 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

Anyone? I guess I'm alone.

Your definitely not alone this is textbook ocd. I’ve heard this quite a lot too, even from people I don’t know. I told my friend I have OCD for the first time a couple of weeks back and she said a close family friend her son, whose only 18, also has sexual orientation OCD too. It really distresses him to the point he started hallucinating (which is very very very very rare may I just point out.) But you can see how distressed he was. He’s a very masculine male who ‘gets a lot of females’ type of lad too, so of course it sort of goes against him as a person that’s why it causes him a lot of distress - it’s the exact same in this situation too.

 

I also personally experienced this when I was younger, but overtime I just knew it was the ocd talking and that I wasn’t gay or bisexual - if anything I love men too much

[lonelygirl91]

1 hour ago, howard said:

Yes I can see how this would affect you at a deep level.

You'll have to explain, but most of us that obsess about something then construct rituals to alievate the anxiety.

But your rituals seem to involve mentally testing yourself, playing through the thoughts. Which seems to have the reverse effect.

It probably won't help you but; obsessions with people's sexuality is often external, church, State, media, peer group, etc.

Of course people internalise it. But in reality it's very individual.

 

Your post really spiked me!! Are you saying that I'm really bi or lesbian?? I don't have any issues around sexuality as I'm not religious, come from a liberal and loving family who are accepting of LGBT people and wouldn't care if I was gay or bi and I live in London which is the best place to be LGBT. I have no reason to have any hang ups. I simply just don't like the idea of liking or being with women. 

This site should make me feel better and not have people confirming my worst fears. People with Pure OCD do test scenarios and ruminate which is obsessive behavior and trying to find answers. Rituals are more things people without Pure OCD do like counting. 

[lonelygirl91]

1 hour ago, Summer9173 said:

Your definitely not alone this is textbook ocd. I’ve heard this quite a lot too, even from people I don’t know. I told my friend I have OCD for the first time a couple of weeks back and she said a close family friend her son, whose only 18, also has sexual orientation OCD too. It really distresses him to the point he started hallucinating (which is very very very very rare may I just point out.) But you can see how distressed he was. He’s a very masculine male who ‘gets a lot of females’ type of lad too, so of course it sort of goes against him as a person that’s why it causes him a lot of distress - it’s the exact same in this situation too.

 

I also personally experienced this when I was younger, but overtime I just knew it was the ocd talking and that I wasn’t gay or bisexual - if anything I love men too much

It's good to know that I'm not alone in this. Usually my SO-OCD is under control but every few months I have really bad flare ups. 

[howard]

14 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

Your post really spiked me!! Are you saying that I'm really bi or lesbian?? I don't have any issues around sexuality as I'm not religious, come from a liberal and loving family who are accepting of LGBT people and wouldn't care if I was gay or bi and I live in London which is the best place to be LGBT. I have no reason to have any hang ups. I simply just don't like the idea of liking or being with women. 

This site should make me feel better and not have people confirming my worst fears. People with Pure OCD do test scenarios and ruminate which is obsessive behavior and trying to find answers. Rituals are more things people without Pure OCD do like counting. 

No. I accept that you are straight. But I can see how a friend coming out, and similar events could unsettle you. You know you are straight but have some anxious thoughts.

The point about external obsessions with sexuality is a general comment. I think society's obsession with labelling people in a binary way or anyway is very limited.

So what did your therapist suggest or get you suggest as a way of managing these thoughts and anxiety?

[RexB]

I understand how you’re feeling. On one hand you’ve got your mind playing tricks on you by trying to convince you you’re something you’re not, and I suspect as well that there’s a guilt element because you don’t want to come across as homophobic.

Dont worry you don’t, it’s a common thing to get anxiety about. I’m sure people who are gay and have accepted it but also have OCD have had intrusive thoughts about “what if I’m heterosexual”

Ive had it, there are times where I’ve not enjoyed sex and then my mind has concluded oh what if it’s because I’m gay? As opposed to the most likely explanation that because I find intimacy stressful and nerve wracking I can’t relax enough to enjoy it.

 

[lonelygirl91]

Thanks for your answer RexB. Yes there are people who are gay who have OCD about being straight.

My ex boyfriend wasn't very good in bed and I kept having thought what if it's because I'm a lesbian? I spoke to another one of his ex girlfriends (we're part of the same circle) and he treated her like rubbish too and she said he was rubbish in bed too which made me feel better. 

[discuccsant]

Quote

Like I said I'm pro LGBT but just don't want to be with a woman myself. 

That's the only thing I needed to see, that I can conclude, that you are not a homosexual. Pretty easy. It's actually that easy to conclude that by yourself as well, but you struggle with this, as it's for every sexual orientation themed OCD people suffer from. 

I think you try to seek for reassurance by giving us those real life examples, though, and I think you need to stop that, as this is a compulsion, who in the end will create another fear and anxiety related to this - you really need to stop, before OCD magnifies all these irrelevant "What If's..." into something much bigger. 

You can choose to end this cycle, and you know how to end it. 

Apply the advice.

 

Edited June 25, 2022 by discuccsant

[Mark1222]

I think sexual exploration is common amd thinking about different ways.

I thought about a same sex thing for a while then I thought about it while i was with someone of the same sex.

That turned me off and I always remember that as a real thought.

Luckily I don't keep testing it with different people. 

I managed to close the thoughts .

You probably just need someone you are more sexually compatible with. Otherwise you may keep thinking why are all these LGBT people so happy.

[Summer9173]

On 23/06/2022 at 00:03, lonelygirl91 said:

It's good to know that I'm not alone in this. Usually my SO-OCD is under control but every few months I have really bad flare ups. 

Of course your not alone, my therapist said to me there’s almost a 99.9% guarantee somebody else in the world has experienced the same OCD fear as you. Even I have. 
 

OCD can make you feel very alone, but the more I’ve opened up about it to people the more I’ve seen that a lot of other people have experienced intrusive thoughts similar (even if they don’t have OCD) 

 

I called quite a lot of pharmacy’s up when I went through a stage a couple of months ago reassurance seeking, in regards to this medication I was put on for OCD (Clomipramine) many pharmacists said they have a lot of their patients on the same drug - even that hit me, there very clearly on it for OCD, it showed me how many people even in my county suffers with it.

[lonelygirl91]

3 hours ago, Mark1222 said:

I think sexual exploration is common amd thinking about different ways.

I thought about a same sex thing for a while then I thought about it while i was with someone of the same sex.

That turned me off and I always remember that as a real thought.

Luckily I don't keep testing it with different people. 

I managed to close the thoughts .

You probably just need someone you are more sexually compatible with. Otherwise you may keep thinking why are all these LGBT people so happy.

You really spiked me! Are you saying that I'm gay or bi and that I'd be happier if I "came out"??? It's like you're encouraging me to be with a woman!! Posts like this make me feel anxious! Think before you write!! You don't know anything about SO-OCD 

[AnxiousAnnie]

28 minutes ago, lonelygirl91 said:

You really spiked me! Are you saying that I'm gay or bi and that I'd be happier if I "came out"??? It's like you're encouraging me to be with a woman!! Posts like this make me feel anxious! Think before you write!! You don't know anything about SO-OCD 

I didn't read it like that at all I have to be honest.