Spiked by a story

[lonelygirl91]

I'm doing a celebrity couples quiz for my friends hen and had to find out some info. It mentioned a couples where one of the women didn't know she was gay until she met her partner. This was a writer for the show Orange Is the New Black. She was married to a man as well and come out as gay when she was 30. 

How can someone not know that they're gay and marry the opposite sex? She said she had flirtations with girls when she was younger and once blurted out in the producer's room that she would sleep with a woman. 

It really spiked me. What if I'm like her but in denial? She said that she felt uncomfortable around lesbians. I feel uncomfortable around lesbians. She said that she enjoyed writing lesbian sex scenes for the show which I wouldn't enjoy writing or want to write (no offense- as I'm sure a gay person wouldn't be that excited to write about a straight sex scene). 

How can someone not know they're gay until later? It doesn't say much about her background such as whether she grew up in a religious family or anything. My friend had the same experience. She came out when she was 30 shortly after her break-up with her boyfriend. However she was really excited and happy about being with a woman whilst I dread it.

I don't avoid my friend because she's a lesbian as I considered her a good friend but she seems to avoid me which is a shame. She only wants to hang around with other LGBT people and doesn't seem interested in non-LGBT events that I invited her to and that we used to go to together. I don't know why she came out so late. Maybe it's because her mum is really homophobic (my mum is definitely not and is very accepting of LGBT people and has many gay friends).

I don't have any problems with lesbians and am very pro LGBT but I don't want to be with a woman myself.  

[lonelygirl91]

Anyone?

[ocdjonesy]

What are you looking for someone to say?  I could give you the standard forums response of 'it's ocd you need to leave it alone' but that isn't going to get to the bottom of why this is bothering you so much which I think you might need to do to be able to leave it alone.  So then I can ask you a couple of questions to try to open up your thinking about it.

What about these scenarios is it you're worried about?  The fact you might be gay?  The fact you could be gay and not know?  If so why would that upset you?  

You keep saying 'I don't like the idea of sleeping with a woman' but no-one is making you do that so it doesn't really make sense to spend your time worrying about that happening.  Why are you fixating on that particularly?

You also mentioned your friend in both threads and this time have gone into a little more detail about the situation with her.  Do you think the fact that she's spending time discovering more about herself and her sexuality is upsetting you to the point that it's causing this worry?  Do you think that unless you go to the LGBT events with her that you will drift apart from her?  Are you worried about her coming out affecting your friendship?  Do you feel bothered about the fact that your friend didn't tell you she was gay before now?  Why does her being gay mean in your head that you have to be worried about wanting or not wanting to sleep with another woman?

Learning something you didn't know about someone you're close to can be a really unsettling experience - especially if you have OCD and are prone to doubts.  It's totally understandable for you to be a bit upset about it.  It's something that's actually really common around this sort of thing.  The narrative is that you're supposed to be happy for someone when they come out and of course I'm sure you are but it's also really weird to learn something about a person you thought you knew everything about and for them to also discover a new life that doesn't necessarily involve you.

So it's totally natural for you to be feeling anxiety about this situation.  But I think you're taking that anxiety - whatever it is - and doing this rumination/testing compulsion to protect yourself from it.  However that isn't going to work.  You need to look at the situation and ask yourself what about it is driving your OCD to flare like this and then address that issue instead of avoiding it.  By asking yourself the sort of questions I've typed up or any others that are applicable you can start to answer the question of what it is you're scared of and what the story your telling yourself is and when it runs from the beginning to end you should have a clear picture of what is that's fuelling your discomfort.

I hope this makes some sense and helps out - excuse me if there's a bunch of typos I have incredibly sore/dry eyes at the moment and looking at a screen for long periods of time is giving me issues.

 

[lonelygirl91]

I think your reply came off as rather abrupt. This is OCD; there's not always a cause for OCD themese other than OCD attacks things that are important to you. 

There's nothing wrong with being bi or lesbian. I just don't like the idea of being with a woman. You asking me to get to the bottom of it only makes me more anxious as if you're implying I could be in denial.

I'm not bothered about my friend. It was last year and we've drifted apart since. I was just using her coming out at 30 as an example of people who claim they never knew they were gay and come out later. What if I don't know I'm gay like my friend and this woman from that show? 

People saying "oh why are you afraid, what are you afraid of?" only makes me more anxious. You've made me feel anxious as though you're implying I could be gay or bi in denial and that it's not an OCD theme. 

Edited June 24, 2022 by lonelygirl91

[lonelygirl91]

I'm also scared that being gay or bi would mean losing my core identity (liking men) and the thing that I want- to find the right guy; the guy who is the one. I'm scared of relationships as I've been hurt so many times but I want to find a guy who doesn't throw me away like my exes and fights for me.

The idea of being with a woman doesn't make me happy and fills me with dread. I also use my friend as a comparison as liking women makes her happy. Surely if I was into women, I'd be happy about it? I'm the kind of person who does whatever they want and doesn't care what people think, so I would have no reason to not come out. 

I'm not very lucky with dating and I'm worried I won't ever meet any guy I connect with and attracted to. The guys that I'm attracted to and interested in are taken or not interested and the guys who are interested in me I'm not interested in. I think that drives my worries. Also Rebel Wilson coming out made me feel anxious as she said she thought she was searching for her Disney prince but instead found her Disney princess. Again Rebel Wilson seems really happy about being with a woman. 

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by lonelygirl91

[Plaguedbyocd]

I remember reading something once that said people suffering from sexual orientation ocd have no issues with anyone who isn’t straight or anything like that. The issue is that they value identity and are alarmed by thoughts surrounding their identity. So it doesn’t necessarily mean you are a lesbian or not straight, you just want to be sure of who you are, as most people do, and the thought of not really knowing is upsetting for you. 

[ocdjonesy]

I'm sorry you took my post that way.  I in no way intended to come across as abrupt but if I did I can only say that I'm a person with OCD and am going through my own things at the minute so any time I take out to reply to you is done under my own set of pressures and anxieties.  Perhaps it would be a good idea to remember that that's who you're interacting with here rather than someone who can answer you in exactly the way that you would like.  

You're clearly incredibly anxious at the moment and that's expressing itself through your OCD.  Which I understand and I'm sorry you're feeling as bad as you are.

I can't remember if you said in previous threads whether you were currently receiving any help with your situation or not?  

[James M]

The reality is, we change as we get older. I didn’t realise I had OCD until I was 30. When I look back I cannot believe I didn’t realise. Whilst I am unable to relate to your situation, I’d try to no over think (easier said than done). I guess what I trying to say is the future is full unknowns so try and go with the flow. 

[lonelygirl91]

5 hours ago, James M said:

The reality is, we change as we get older. I didn’t realise I had OCD until I was 30. When I look back I cannot believe I didn’t realise. Whilst I am unable to relate to your situation, I’d try to no over think (easier said than done). I guess what I trying to say is the future is full unknowns so try and go with the flow. 

Your post is really spiking me! I don't want to be into women! I don't want to change my preferences! 

[PolarBear]

7 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

Your post is really spiking me! I don't want to be into women! I don't want to change my preferences! 

Then don't.  Live your life the way you want to. Right now, by freaking out over others' posts and doing compulsions, you are giving all your power to OCD. Take your power back.

[James M]

16 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

Your post is really spiking me! I don't want to be into women! I don't want to change my preferences! 

Apologies I was just trying to be supportive 

[lonelygirl91]

It would be like me telling somebody with OCD about germs and dirt to go and roll around in dirt so how is your response any different?

[ocdjonesy]

Tbf cbt/erp would essentially be getting someone with ocd about dirt and germs to touch dirt and germs because it's about gradual desensitisation and learning to deal with the anxiety that that fear provokes.  And I don't want to be overly confrontation to you because you're obviously suffering at the moment but if you keep being so extremely defensive at people who are trying to help you it's going to make it really difficult for you to utilise any of that help on offer.  

No-one here is trying to attack you or spike your anxiety.  They're just trying to help and it's your reaction which is to fight back against and reject that help because what's being said makes you feel anxious that's the issue here not what's being said to you.  

You have to remember that no-one here is a therapy professional.  We're all just other people with OCD taking time out of our day to help each other and it's really not that fair of you to offload responsibility for your anxiety on to us when all they're doing is being generous with our time out of concern for you.

Edited June 27, 2022 by ocdjonesy