I just did something awful

[Cora]

I think I just did something wrong and very bad so I'm in a state of panic right now. Long story short, as I was on my phone, it felt that by clicking on anything, I was actually looking/trying to find something inappropriate to watch (related to children). I truly enjoyed the thoughts (of finding and watching it) for a few seconds and as I result, I bit my lip which was very sexual. I'm not sure what to do - I feel incredibly horrible. Is this it for me? 

I'm distressed. This proves who I truly am. What do I do now? 

[Man0War01]

Remember every single person has thoughts and feelings just like the one you have described, the difference with OCD is that they will just see it as thought/feeling, think ‘huh that’s a bit odd as I know I’m not into that at all’ and go on with their day. We unlucky souls instead do exactly what you are doing and over analyse and seek reassurance. 
It’s hard but just try to remember that they are just thoughts and feelings, not actions. You are more than your thoughts and feelings. 

[Cora]

Hi @Man0War01, 

Thank you so much for replying! 

I'm afraid this is about actions too. I know biting your lip is not really an action but in this case it means a lot. I bit my lip as if I was actually watching illegal content (of children). I don't think I can convey how much of a paedophile I felt in that moment. 

[northpaul]

11 minutes ago, Cora said:

I think I just did something wrong

What is the reality?  What is the chance you did something wrong?  0% = no chance and 100% = highly likely.  What are you going to score on your thought?

I would give it 0%

[snowbear]

Come on Cora. Same old thinking pattern going on here.

You have a thought about a feeling, a thought about an action... you give it some awful meaning and start to ruminate, make yourself worried and come looking for reassurance.

You're reacting to thoughts, not to reality.

What plans have you discussed with your therapist and put in place to stop you from engaging with the thoughts?

 

[discuccsant]

Just as a concept: 

To get sexual arousal regarding anything which is sexual in its nature, no matter what it is about, is normal - yes, no matter the theme. Why is that okay? Because the same way we get aroused, we also do have "sexual brakes", which are triggered when we actually don't like what we were initially aroused from, i.e. from a moral view of point, because it's not our style/type or disgusting, because we are actually heterosexuals, because it's not the right moment, etc.

Sexual brakes basically shut down our arousal. It stops relating the arousal trigger to something actual desirable. Yes, it did create the initial arousal, and it is super weird, but it does so for a LOT OF people, because it's normal - they would, as always though, just dismiss it. You, with OCD, not.

Some people have very sensitive sexual brakes, where the initial sexual arousal - which is always triggered for everyone though - is almost like non-existent, because they happen to have them brake very fast and others sexual brakes take a little longer to actually evaluate the initial arousal - it's different for everyone. But in both circumstances it's totally fine, as long as your brakes are actually triggered. And in your case they do, as you wouldn't be here and worry why you bit your lips about something, you actually don't like - which is by the way laughable at best, but okay.

The only time I would worry, if I would actually plan out to actually seek arousal from children or if you would actually continue after the initial moment of arousal, even though your sexual brakes were triggered - which I assume doesn't in the cases of actual pedophiles without any morals. Only then I would question myself. But in any other circumstance? There are tons of sexual triggers in life, and we do connect certain stuff with sexual things, even if we don't like it - we are sexual beings. It's in our nature to evaluate things from a sexual point of view. 

I highly believe that human beings do have a "little devil" inside them, which is here and then showing its presence in a very subtle way, we actually don't even notice. What do I mean by "little devil" exactly? Well, I think we sometimes "harm" others in a very minor way, out of a spontaneous thought, like hugging someone a tiny bit harder than usual to hurt them, very slightly shoving someone away when go past them, touching someone very slightly on their bottom while we walk pass them without it being wird, getting into people's private space by watching into their phones, pushing our shopping cart against someone's back slightly to annoy them, because it's crowded, listening to other peoples conversation on purpose... - and so on. I really believe that everybody in here knows about these very tiny and small moments in their life, if they would actually try to remember something like that.

So yeah. We do have these little moments of weirdness in us - and they can actually be like all these moments in your case. And sometimes it's so subtle, that we don't even notice. And that's why most people aren't even aware of that, because they don't obsess about these very subtle moments, nobody but themselves actually notice. They are not hyperaware of their every single thought and action. They indirectly know it doesn't have any meaning and therefore don't even notice it. And that's okay, because what actually defines us is our overall morals and our actual thinking and not a biological, spontaneous impulse, nobody in the world can control and which in the end hurts absolutely nobody. It's not like the guy I shoved a tiny bit "more aggressive" when I passed him, will develop a trauma out of it - That's absurd. Only people with OCD overthink all of these moments and people on this forum. Others, and I've learned, don't even consider these moments to be actual actions, but simply to be like "intrusive" or "spontaneous" thoughts, which cause a reality distortion, as if we actually don't do have these very minor moments of weirdness in us - I'm not sure about that. Well, that's not important, though.

So, Cora, do you understand all of this? If yes, please confirm this to me, because I'm not sure if you get the message. That's the third time I've actually tried to "deliver" this to you. At some point you have to be "happy" with the reassurance we give to you, to actually help you to identify all this anxiety and so on for what they are: Nothing meaningfully, but simple OCD. I know we shouldn't give any reassurance, but I really feel like as if you need an explanation like this, to have an actual fundament you can always rely on and build upon.

Edited June 29, 2022 by discuccsant

[Cora]

Hi @discuccsant, 

51 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

So, Cora, do you understand all of this?

I'm not sure. Because there's something else that you probably don't know. 

52 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

actually continue after the initial moment of arousal, even though your sexual brakes were triggered - which I assume doesn't in the cases of actual pedophiles without any morals. Only then I would question myself.

I had a few moments for the past three years where I would press my legs/thighs together after that initial arousal. Before my OCD started, I used this "method" as a way of masturbation, and I still do, that I discovered when I was much younger. Sometimes it's really hard to control myself and I press my thighs together which then leads to a pleasurable groinal sensation/feeling. But that only happens after that initial arousal which is caused by a disgusting, inappropriate thought. 

So, according to what you said, maybe I am a paedophile without any morals. 

[Cora]

Hi @snowbear, 

2 hours ago, snowbear said:

You have a thought about a feeling, a thought about an action... you give it some awful meaning and start to ruminate, make yourself worried and come looking for reassurance.

It's hard not to give it meaning. I bit my lip in a way someone would do it when they are truly enjoying something in a sexual way, after imagining that they were watching something extremely inappropriate (something about children to be specific). I know this probably sounds both gross and stupid but it did happen and I feel like I'm in a nightmare once again. 

[Cora]

Hi @northpaul, 

2 hours ago, northpaul said:

What is the reality?  What is the chance you did something wrong?  0% = no chance and 100% = highly likely.  What are you going to score on your thought?

I would give it 0%

Obviously, for me it's more like 100%. 

[discuccsant]

20 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi @discuccsant, 

I'm not sure. Because there's something else that you probably don't know. 

I had a few moments for the past three years where I would press my legs/thighs together after that initial arousal. Before my OCD started, I used this "method" as a way of masturbation, and I still do, that I discovered when I was much younger. Sometimes it's really hard to control myself and I press my thighs together which then leads to a pleasurable groinal sensation/feeling. But that only happens after that initial arousal which is caused by a disgusting, inappropriate thought. 

So, according to what you said, maybe I am a paedophile without any morals. 

No, you just liked the feeling of the initial arousal and then did something spontaneous like pressing your thighs together, because you do it always like that - I'm 100% sure this is more like an "automatic response" to the sensations because of your masturbation habits, rather than the actual intrusive thoughts. If you would be a pedophile and have no morals, you wouldn't be here telling us about the horrible thing you did -> If you wouldn't feel it like that way, you would 100% not be here having OCD and living a life in hell. 

Back to this: This is exactly what I told you: You did something spontaneous by the very initial arousal and the moment later you immediately shut it down, because your sexual brakes took in.  Now here is the deal, Cora: Nobody else would have noticed if they had done that, like pressing their thighs together. You do, because you are hyperaware of your movements, because you happen to have OCD which causes this, and therefore you make the connection from the content of intrusive thoughts to your movements. 

You are like interpreting it this way:

"Because I had this inappropriate thought (intrusive thought) about something inappropriate and then pressed my thighs together, it must mean that I'm a pedophile and that I did something very horrible."

But how about: 

"Because I had this inappropriate thought, I also felt this groinal response out of an automatic body response, which actually felt good, had nothing to do with the actual content though, which then caused me to press my thighs together, because that's my normal reaction to sexual arousal, no matter how it came to me."

They wouldn't interpret it the very first way, because they know, that they actually don't desire anything like that at all and that it was just something biological/weird. They would implicitly assume, that it has nothing to do with the content of intrusive thoughts, but simply with the sensation derived from the intrusive thoughts, which happens to happen to a lot of people, without them actually desiring the very content. 

They wouldn't let themselves define by moments like these, because these moments are not worth to be called something like "character traits". Random thoughts are what they are: Random thoughts and in your case also automatic body movements, which you happen to interpret the worst way. 

Edited June 29, 2022 by discuccsant

[Cora]

Thank you, @discuccsant. I'm really grateful for how much you're helping me. 

7 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

They wouldn't interpret it the very first way, because they know, that they actually don't desire anything like that at all and that it was just something biological/weird. They would implicitly assume, that it has nothing to do with the content of intrusive thoughts, but simply with the sensation derived from the intrusive thoughts, which happens to happen to a lot of people, without them actually desiring the very content. 

This makes so much sense and maybe that's what actually happened in most of the cases. But there are moments where it can be confusing. And by that I mean that I could watch something triggering me, I would feel a groinal sensation, then realise that the sensation is enjoyable, and then carry on watching it only because it leads to that sensation and because I like it. So at the end it does feel that the sensation was derived from the content. 

(I hope this is not too gross for you @discuccsant, and everyone who's reading this.)

[northpaul]

2 hours ago, discuccsant said:

So, Cora, do you understand all of this? If yes, please confirm this to me, because I'm not sure if you get the message. That's the third time I've actually tried to "deliver" this to you.

 

58 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

Back to this: This is exactly what I told you

Discuccsant, can I ask who you are?  You are talking like you are a therapist.  Are you qualifed?

[discuccsant]

1 hour ago, northpaul said:

 

Discuccsant, can I ask who you are?  You are talking like you are a therapist.  Are you qualifed?

No, obviously I'm not. Just a sufferer myself. I just try to help, like anybody else try with Cora. I actually "re-direct" stuff I've learned from therapy, though. I don't think anyone really here is "qualified"? I just think that it's extremely hard to continue from OCD, if we don't really understand this and that. Like we have to re-learn what actually OCD in all of this is, and what not. I know how Cora feels. I was in her position one year ago, where I was horrified by every single thing, and that's why I can relate to her. 

So no, I'm not qualified, but I would consider myself as a "good example" Cora could learn from. 

 

2 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @discuccsant. I'm really grateful for how much you're helping me. 

This makes so much sense and maybe that's what actually happened in most of the cases. But there are moments where it can be confusing. And by that I mean that I could watch something triggering me, I would feel a groinal sensation, then realise that the sensation is enjoyable, and then carry on watching it only because it leads to that sensation and because I like it. So at the end it does feel that the sensation was derived from the content. 

(I hope this is not too gross for you @discuccsant, and everyone who's reading this.)

That's still just an intrusive thought - it's still all in your head. Like where is the difference from before? You also need to remember that intrusive thoughts feel like a realistic threat for the sufferer and they can manifest also in feelings (sensations as you describe them) or in form of urges (the distressing urge to jump from the bridge) - and a lot of times, we label these thoughts in the aftermath and not in the very moment they come. They are still nothing else but intrusive thoughts? Why? Because they cause you distress, right? Because you don't like having them, right? Because it feels like a torture, right? 

That's just OCD, Cora. It doesn't matter how many "corner cases" you wanna come around with. In the end it's simple OCD. 

[northpaul]

20 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

I just think that it's extremely hard to continue from OCD, if we don't really understand this and that.

That is why several people on the forums have urged Cora to seek help from a skilled and qualified therapist.  Cora is currently in therapy and will in time get the help she needs.  That is what a therapist is trained to do.

[Caramoole]

5 hours ago, northpaul said:

 

Discuccsant, can I ask who you are?  You are talking like you are a therapist.  Are you qualifed?

North Paul, you keep bringing up this sort of question.  We are a support forum run by sufferers, for sufferers.  We do not purport to be therapists and as such, the "advice" will be varied, based on personal experience and aquired knowledge.  I should also say that much of the advice I have seen here over almost two decades exceeds that which is offered by many professional services who have little training or experience of OCD.  Some of the most ineffective therapy I have seen/experienced has been that offered via IAPT......often the only free therapy available to a sufferer.  Conversely, I have seen sufferers transformed by the advice & support offered by the forum.

I would/do/have recommend Cora refers back to her private therapist because (well-intentioned as it is) advice offered here is detrimental to her progress because it provides an endless support for reassurance.

Cora.......you need to refer back to your therapist to discuss this and also to discuss with them  your use of the forum (against their advice).  Those offering advice also need to consider (helpful and as well-intentioned s it may seem) how much it is aiding Cora with her compulsions

[discuccsant]

Yeah, I know that giving reassurance, possible explanations etc., is actually not good to get over OCD. I also know that with ignoring the thoughts, you will actually get enough distance from all of this and slowly, but surely take off the OCD/Catastrophizing goggles just to see for what all of this really was in the end: Meaningless. Something minor. Nothing.

So. Did reducing the compulsions help me? YES! Absolutely. But Cora is like a special case. I don't know how to explain this. I took a longer hiatus from the forum, simply because I did super fine and had things in my life going on. And when I came back, I still saw Cora opening thread after thread. I just feel so bad for her, that I desperately try to help her to get over this. She did multiple therapy sessions with multiple therapists, I think? I don't know how this didn't help her yet, but this makes me extremely sad. 

So I'm sorry for giving actual bad advice, because all of this is simply helping Cora getting done her compulsions via reassurance-seeking through this forum, I know, but it's sometimes so tough to not help, especially because I had a very similar theme. Like almost identical. And I know how to get better. I went from being suicidal to someone, who began to focus on running a business, got successful and who got more or less enough distance from all of this, so that I'm in much better terms with my OCD. I even became a dad again - something unimaginable one year ago! 

And because I got so much help, I feel like I'm forced to help others who happen to have similar themes to me. And I also simply like to help. I also know a lot of people don't have people in real life they feel like they could talk about these topics, because they are ashamed, have no friends and so on. I think it's super hard to overcome OCD without any support from anybody else. Imagine going through cancer, while you have nobody to talk about. It would be devastating. And I think by responding to people here with my experience, especially because I know exactly what they are going through, I'm hoping that I can give them some kind of mental support to get over this.

Edited June 30, 2022 by discuccsant

[snowbear]

6 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

So I'm sorry for giving actual bad advice, because all of this is simply helping Cora getting done her compulsions via reassurance-seeking through this forum, I know, but it's sometimes so tough to not help, especially because I had a very similar theme.

No worries, discuccsant. What you said was actually very good advice in itself.

And now you've said it. Thank you!

So Cora has the information you and others have generously provided.

From this point forwards we can support her best by helping her to stop her reassurance-seeking behaviour of posting questions about her thoughts on the forum.

Questions on how to stop ruminating, stop engaging, and how to get her thinking back to normal are of course still permitted as these show the first level of insight has been reached on the thoughts/feelings/actions themselves being unimportant.

[Cora]

Hi @discuccsant, 

I'm really grateful for all the help you've offered me - I truly mean it. 

27 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

I went from being suicidal to someone, who began to focus on running a business, got successful and who got more or less enough distance from all of this, so that I'm in much better terms with my OCD. I even became a dad again - something unimaginable one year ago! 

This is wonderful to hear. I'm very happy that you managed to get better and have your normal life back.

30 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

And I think by responding to people here with my experience, especially because I know exactly what they are going through, I'm hoping that I can give them some kind of mental support to get over this.

I think you truly are, even more than you think. 

31 minutes ago, discuccsant said:

But Cora is like a special case. I don't know how to explain this.

That's how I feel sometimes too (but I don't think that's the case, I think lots of people who struggle with OCD feel that way at some point). I think my problem is that I'm always jumping from one incident to another. It's like a pattern. I'm always causing them and I don't understand why that happens and why I can't stop it. Yesterday I had like three incidents and could have easily prevented them but chose not and went along with them. 

I'm really sorry. I feel like a huge disappointment to everyone. 

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, discuccsant said:

But Cora is like a special case.

54 minutes ago, Cora said:

That's how I feel sometimes too (but I don't think that's the case, I think lots of people who struggle with OCD feel that way at some point).

Yay!   That's progress Cora. Not so long ago you thought your experiences were different to other people's.

55 minutes ago, Cora said:

my problem is that I'm always jumping from one incident to another. It's like a pattern.

This is also progress. You're beginning to recognise the pattern.

56 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm always causing them and I don't understand why that happens and why I can't stop it. Yesterday I had like three incidents and could have easily prevented them but chose not and went along with them. 

 

You don't cause the thoughts, the thoughts occur to you and you respond to them.

 

So yesterday you had 3 opportunities to resist engaging with the thoughts and not do compulsions.

 

You chose to go along with it. Chose to believe in the moment that it meant something. That belief got you analysing your enjoyment (or otherwise) and ruminating on it.

Fine. At least you recognise now that it's a choice whether to engage with it or not. This is also progress.

At some point you'll accept that chosing to go along with the OCD makes you miserable and the better choice is to not engage and resist ruminating on it.

That's your next step, Cora.

You're getting there! Bit by bit.

[northpaul]

7 hours ago, Caramoole said:

North Paul, you keep bringing up this sort of question.  We are a support forum run by sufferers, for sufferers.  We do not purport to be therapists and as such, the "advice" will be varied, based on personal experience and aquired knowledge.  I should also say that much of the advice I have seen here over almost two decades exceeds that which is offered by many professional services who have little training or experience of OCD.  Some of the most ineffective therapy I have seen/experienced has been that offered via IAPT......often the only free therapy available to a sufferer.  Conversely, I have seen sufferers transformed by the advice & support offered by the forum.

Caramoole, your points here are noted.  To be fair to the original poster I will not respond to your above comments in open forum.  Any response will be made in an appropriate manner.

However I will continue to contribute to the forums and I would also like to say that the forums have been a useful 'tool' on my own road to recovery.

[discuccsant]

Thanks snowbear, you are right! That's why I would also to encourage you from now on, Cora, to make the next steps:

I hope you can make a clear-cut and start identifying all past, present and future incidents as OCD, whenever you feel bad about them- you have to learn to re-label all of that as OCD. And to emphasize it: You really need to make this clear-cut from OCD:

Okay, I know have a good explanation for everything and from now on label every weird/horrible/random thought/incident/action as simple OCD, even if my brain wants to tell me otherwise and wants me to start arguing or reasoning with the thoughts - which also means that I'm not compulsively re-reading explanation posts like on this thread over and over again, because this is just another compulsion further fueling my OCD. No! That's just a trap!
I don't do anything about the thoughts, no matter how much distress they cause me. No matter if they might feel different from before - it's still the same in essence. I let them instead rot, even if my brain thrives to do all of these compulsions to feel relief: It's just OCD, and I'm not going to fall into this rabbit hole again. There is no need for any meaning. There is no need for any explanation. I just let it go. It's not important, even if my OCD infected reality tells me otherwise: It's not. I do suffer from a reality distortion. I need to take the leap of faith here, that I'm not in my normal thinking process. Not only that, but I have to re-learn thinking normal about this and that again, by stopping everything OCD wants me so hard to do, whenever I feel the urge to do so. I let all of these thoughts pass the same way they entered my brain and with that, I'll feel normal again and be free from the torture in my head, which was caused by nothing else but OCD.

And this is going to be the hardest part, but the only way to actually overcome OCD. And Cora, you need to trust me, but you'll look back once overcoming OCD and feel like: Why was this stuff causing me SO MUCH distress?! What the hell?!

Trust me! You'll get there! But you now need to start applying all we told you about - which also means you stop asking for reassurance on here and instead simply labeling it as OCD and then stop it.

Edited June 30, 2022 by discuccsant

[Cora]

Hi @snowbear, 

6 hours ago, snowbear said:

You don't cause the thoughts, the thoughts occur to you and you respond to them.

I meant that I'm the one causing the incidents. For example, if I have a thought and it seems that I'm enjoying it, or enjoying the feeling the thought might cause, or if I look at someone younger than me on the street even though it feels wrong, I'm actually causing the incident because I'm entertaining the thought in an inappropriate way. And I feel very guilty because I feel like these things shouldn't happen. 

[Cora]

4 hours ago, discuccsant said:

Thanks snowbear, you are right! That's why I would also to encourage you from now on, Cora, to make the next steps:

I hope you can make a clear-cut and start identifying all past, present and future incidents as OCD, whenever you feel bad about them- you have to learn to re-label all of that as OCD. And to emphasize it: You really need to make this clear-cut from OCD:

Okay, I know have a good explanation for everything and from now on label every weird/horrible/random thought/incident/action as simple OCD, even if my brain wants to tell me otherwise and wants me to start arguing or reasoning with the thoughts - which also means that I'm not compulsively re-reading explanation posts like on this thread over and over again, because this is just another compulsion further fueling my OCD. No! That's just a trap!
I don't do anything about the thoughts, no matter how much distress they cause me. No matter if they might feel different from before - it's still the same in essence. I let them instead rot, even if my brain thrives to do all of these compulsions to feel relief: It's just OCD, and I'm not going to fall into this rabbit hole again. There is no need for any meaning. There is no need for any explanation. I just let it go. It's not important, even if my OCD infected reality tells me otherwise: It's not. I do suffer from a reality distortion. I need to take the leap of faith here, that I'm not in my normal thinking process. Not only that, but I have to re-learn thinking normal about this and that again, by stopping everything OCD wants me so hard to do, whenever I feel the urge to do so. I let all of these thoughts pass the same way they entered my brain and with that, I'll feel normal again and be free from the torture in my head, which was caused by nothing else but OCD.

And this is going to be the hardest part, but the only way to actually overcome OCD. And Cora, you need to trust me, but you'll look back once overcoming OCD and feel like: Why was this stuff causing me SO MUCH distress?! What the hell?!

Trust me! You'll get there! But you now need to start applying all we told you about - which also means you stop asking for reassurance on here and instead simply labeling it as OCD and then stop it.

@discuccsant, thank you so much for this! A big, big thank you! You are incredibly kind and a very insightful person and I'm grateful for all the hours you took from your own time to help and support me. 

[snowbear]

40 minutes ago, Cora said:

I meant that I'm the one causing the incidents. For example, if I have a thought and it seems that I'm enjoying it, or enjoying the feeling the thought might cause, I'm actually causing the incident because I'm entertaining the thought in an inappropriate way. And I feel very guilty because I feel like these things shouldn't happen. 

Ah, ok. got you. Same difference!

Causing the 'incident'/ entertaining the thought/ engaging with the thought - it's all exactly the same thing.

But try to think of it as 'something not to engage in' rather than as 'an incident'   as this will remind you every time that these are your thoughts and you control where they go next.

But as for feeling guilty when you have engaged with the thoughts - pointless! In fact its counterproductive because it reinforces the belief in your mind that these are bad thoughts and bad actions   and you're a bad girl to have engaged with it. (You can see from the repeating emoticons and italics just how reinforcing it is to your current thinking to think that way!)

What you're aiming for is 'I had a thought.   I engaged with the thought *shrug* 'Oh well, I'll try not to get caught out again next time.'

Thinking in this neutral /shrug it off way teaches your brain to think differently. Over time it learns these thoughts are boring and it stops flagging them up as worthy of your attention.

So ditch the unhelpful guilt.   Instead work towards changing your thinking.

 

 

[Cora]

Hi @snowbear and @discuccsant,

I'm sorry to bother you again but something is not sitting right with me. There have been a few incidents, including some this week, were I was aware of the fact that they were happening and that they shouldn't be because of their disturbing nature, but I didn't stop them right away. For example, a few days ago at uni I thought I saw someone from my work, a person three or four younger than me, but even though it wasn't her and even though I knew I shouldn't keep looking at her because of how sexual it felt, I did it anyway, so the incident lasted for a minute or so. I could have stopped it straight away but a part of me didn't want to. Or another example, I was on social media and two or three consecutive posts had children in them and that caused some sort of groinal response. In that moment, it felt wrong to keep scrolling because of the groinal like I was enjoying the groinal response and the whole situation. But sure enough, I didn't stop the incident, and the longer I stayed with the groinal response, the more it felt like I was enjoying it. 

And there are many, many, many other examples... Probably worse than these...

Why am I not able to stop these incidents when I'm aware that they are happening and that they are wrong? Why do I carry on with them despite knowing I shouldn't? Why does it feel like I like carrying on with these incidents even though they have a perverted, depraved foundation/intention?