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Anxiety about telling a lie


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Hi,

I received a voice message on WhatsApp from a young (3 yr old) relative asking if I missed them.

I saw them a day and a half ago, so I didn't really miss them as I tend to miss people when they have been gone for a while, and so I feel really stuck about what to respond. 

A huge part of my ocd is about being completely honest, faultless in that way, and I find it incredibly hard to lie even in saying a white lie.

At the same time I obviously want to make this relative feel loved and secure, they are very loved by me, and I want to say the right thing. 

I feel really torn and distressed about this. Its really triggered my ocd massively. I understand it might sound kind of silly, but not telling the truth really terrifies me and makes me so anxious.

I wondered if anybody had any suggestions or helpful words.. I am really struggling and cannot eat or focus on normal life whilst dealing with this issue.

Edited by mapletree
Misleading title
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  • mapletree changed the title to Anxiety about telling a lie

I wonder if you could reframe it to being truthful in a way a 3 year old can understand.  For example if you said yes you missed them, but instead of thinking that is not true, see it as true in the case of a 3 year old because for them it's been a long time (even if as an adult it's not been for you).  In other words, your answer would be adapted to fit their perception of time and their level of understanding.  That's still honest because had you felt it had been a long time, then you'd probably miss them.

If your ocd is worried that perhaps you would still not miss them, then I would say to yourself that you are still adapting the response to be best understood by a 3 year old.  it's not the same as saying what an adult would want to hear, so to speak.

 

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57 minutes ago, Juliex said:

I wonder if you could reframe it to being truthful in a way a 3 year old can understand.  For example if you said yes you missed them, but instead of thinking that is not true, see it as true in the case of a 3 year old because for them it's been a long time (even if as an adult it's not been for you).  In other words, your answer would be adapted to fit their perception of time and their level of understanding.  That's still honest because had you felt it had been a long time, then you'd probably miss them.

If your ocd is worried that perhaps you would still not miss them, then I would say to yourself that you are still adapting the response to be best understood by a 3 year old.  it's not the same as saying what an adult would want to hear, so to speak.

 

Hi, thank you for replying.

I might try this, but my head is so black and white at the moment, I'm worried I'd still be aware it wasn't exactly truthful, and that would cause a lot of anxiety.

 

I'm wondering if lying in this case is the right thing to do, and so not immoral, but I can't come to a conclusion :(

Edited by mapletree
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What if saying you don't miss them is more uncomfortable for them at age 3?  A lot to process for a 3 year old.  

From that point of view, saying yes you miss them is kind.  Kindness to a 3 year old is emotionally supportive and in my view not immoral.

 

The problem is that ocd will go around and around with this sort of thing.  

Maybe you could just change your response to something like 'I love seeing you, what are you up to today?'  Something like that.  

 

Ultimately though this will come up again and again and I think treatment would consist of telling 'white lies' that are kind, or part of small talk, etc, and sitting with the discomfort that this may have been immoral.  

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Been there with the telling lies thing. Even if it's something tiny, it can create a huge amount of anxiety. I've been in tears before over quite trivial things. 

 

Caramoole is right though. Next time, be honest about how you're feeling and tell a bigger lie. Then deal with it. 

 

People tell lies all day every day and they don't care at all. It's something I still struggle with, though I can't say I ever really find myself in situations where I have to lie and I just generally try not to. But I know if I told a white lie to my partner or anything then it'd probably drive me up the wall. 

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4 hours ago, Wanderer said:

Been there with the telling lies thing. Even if it's something tiny, it can create a huge amount of anxiety. I've been in tears before over quite trivial things. 

 

Caramoole is right though. Next time, be honest about how you're feeling and tell a bigger lie. Then deal with it. 

 

People tell lies all day every day and they don't care at all. It's something I still struggle with, though I can't say I ever really find myself in situations where I have to lie and I just generally try not to. But I know if I told a white lie to my partner or anything then it'd probably drive me up the wall. 

What does be honest about how im feeling but tell a bigger lie mean exactly sorry?

 

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On 01/07/2022 at 13:00, mapletree said:

What does be honest about how im feeling but tell a bigger lie mean exactly sorry?

 

I think what they mean is to allow yourself to know that you didn't miss her because there's nothing wrong with that but tell her you did miss her. Don't try to rationalise in your mind the lie. Be honest in your mind about your feelings but still lie. It takes time but eventually your mind will realise that it's not something that it needs to be worried/anxious about 

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