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Me again. :D

Right, mental resilience.

Have you heard of Ray Mears, the survival expert? I'm a bit of a fan of his books and films as I used to do a lot of outdoor survival/ wilderness trips in my youth. One thing he said which has always stayed with me is 'Survival is 30% physical, 70% mental.' And he means that for situations like where you're in subzero temperatures or lost in a desert of shifting sands, or trapped somewhere, injured and waiting days for rescue teams to reach you. Survival depends on mental attitude far more than the obvious physical necessities like shelter, warmth, food , water and so on. 

And this applies just the same in our everyday lives. Surviving (hopefully thriving!) is 70% mental, even if it feels like dealing with the physical difficulties is taking 100% of our energy and focus. Cultivating the right mental attitude is key to almost everything.

Surprisingly, being positive isn't what's recommended. Even the most optimistic, positive person in the world can be brought to their knees when the situation gets bad enough.  Being hopeful is much more important. 'Hope is the friend who comes to us in darkness and carries us into the light.'

You see, nobody needs hope when things are going well. But when things are bad and getting worse by the minute, that's when hope starts. So by holding onto hope, trusting there's a chance things will work out ok, you become positive in an indestructable way just when normal positivity is deserting you.

Hope also counters that negative self-talk, 'I can't, I shouldn't, if only... the worst will happen....'

So put a big dollop of hope in your mental tool box. :construction:

Next is be in the present.

Something bad has already happened? Tough. What's done is done, can't rewind the clock. Draw a line under it, start from now - focus on the present.

Worried something bad will happen? Forget it. Don't anticipate trouble, wait for problems to find you. If it happens you'll deal with it then - in the present of that moment when you get there.

If you listen to OCD self-talk 95% of it is either set in the past or projecting into an unknown future. Very little is 'How am I going to survive this minute, here and now?' :ohmy:

So simply staying in the present moment is a great way to kill off a lot of that OCD thinking. Just takes a bit of practise to recognise 'I'm off back there/ in fast forward again' :rolleyes:  and pull yourself back to the moment you're actually living.

When you get used to being routinely in the present you discover that for most of life there's very little drama! Very little is actually as important, urgent, life-threatening, or 'bad' as we perceive it. Being in the present takes you out of the 'OMG, look at the state of the world, my life, everything!' :omg_smilie: state of mind and takes you into a calmer place.

'Life consists only of this moment.  I'm breathing, my heart is beating, the external world is more distant and less relevant, and even if I'm not in a great place right now, I feel hopeful. I am coping. ' :)

In other words, develop the ability to calm yourself and to focus your attention on the moment. Mindfulness and meditation can help with that. Like all these mental skills, you learn them and then you practise, practise, practise.

Being in the present is also by default a very self-kind, self-forgiving place. There's no room for all the guilt, shame, anger, judgement and self-reproach that OCD throws at you. All you're doing is breathing and being! No guilt or shame in that. All the thoughts that generate such negativity belong in the past or future. The present is  a calm, quiet, hopeful place where you can go to take 'time out' whenever you need it.

So once you've narrowed your focus to the here and now, what is there to do/ that needs done 'in the moment?'

Whether you're facing a survival crisis or simply dropping off to a restful sleep all you ever need to do in the present is practical stuff.

Breathe. Relax. Focus on now. Deal with the practicalities of the crisis (where there is one) one at a time.

Be practical.

What needs done first? Can you do it right now? If not, set it aside and move on to the next thing. If yes, then do it and stay focused on the task until it's done. If you mind wanders off to another problem (fast forwarding again :rolleyes:) gently bring yourself back to the present and the single task you're doing right this minute.

Be hopeful, be in the present, be practical.

With those 3 tools in your mental toolbox you can face pretty much any situation with the confidence of the present tense, 'Right this minute? I am coping'. :)

Maybe you royally ballsed up in the past, maybe you will again in the future, but in the present it's calm, hopeful, and dealing in practical solutions rather than drowning in problems.

There's more, but enough waffle for one day. :D

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Snowbear, i'm so sorry to be a pain, but could you move the first post in the thread "Hypermobility etc" back to its place in this thread please?

I haven't read your post above yet but thank you for sorting all the posts out :thankyousign:

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If I do that the first post in the hypermobility thread is ocdjonsey's so it becomes her thread and not yours :( which made no sense as she refers to your name but it doesn't say who she's talking to. I've remerged the two threads for now. Trying to think of a way around it, but all we can do is merge or split posts as they are. I can't duplicate posts, change the timeline, or make a thread someone else's other than whoever's is the first post.

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  • snowbear changed the title to need help please
19 hours ago, snowbear said:

If I do that the first post in the hypermobility thread is ocdjonsey's so it becomes her thread and not yours :( which made no sense as she refers to your name but it doesn't say who she's talking to. I've remerged the two threads for now. Trying to think of a way around it, but all we can do is merge or split posts as they are. I can't duplicate posts, change the timeline, or make a thread someone else's other than whoever's is the first post.

No worries 😊

Grrrrrr I just lost my reply to ocdjonesey which took ages, when I tried to quote from posts on different pages. I'll have to do it later as I've got a bad headache again today ☹️

Edited by bendylouise
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On 03/07/2022 at 18:59, ocdjonesy said:

And lord I am hypermobile e v e r y w h e r e but probably mostly in my hips and knees which puts my pelvis under a lot of strain and I've ended up with pelvic floor and hip flexor issues on top of a ******** right foot, **** left shoulder and god awful tmj issues.  Which is why a lot of what you were saying rang a bell for me because I too get headaches, dizzyness, back ache, find it painful to sit at all and up until maybe the last year or so couldn't actually lie flat with my legs outstretched because it hurt me in my unmentionables.  It's a really nasty pace to find yourself in and takes so much work to try to fix so I really feel your pain.

One thing I've found useful is going to see a podiatrist (off my own back because the nhs are to be honest more than useless if you're hypermobile) and getting custom insoles made feet for support.  It hasn't fixed everything but it's gone a long way to getting me able to approach walking again and is something I more than likely should have have had since childhood since obviously all my soft tissues are super bendy and my feet flatten out a ton when I put weight on them.  The podiatrist was also able to refer me on to a very good physio who I've been working with for the last year and a half and while I'm still nowhere near where I would like to be I'm a lot better off than I was previously.  

Wow, u have a lot of hypermobility. I also met another woman in a disability group who had it very bad. The pain I get in my lower back isn't from hypermobility but the pain in my feet (along with other things) certainly caused extra strain on my back. 

I'd be interested to know how the physio helped you and what the insoles are like. This is quite personal so I'll understand if you don't want to share on this forum and I thank you for sharing so far. PM me if u want. Or could we start a new "Hypermobility etc thread?  I have also found the NHS to be worse than useless unfortunately. It's great you've made progress and I hope you go on to make more. 

Edited by bendylouise
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On 05/07/2022 at 15:48, snowbear said:

So simply staying in the present moment is a great way to kill off a lot of that OCD thinking. Just takes a bit of practise to recognise 'I'm off back there/ in fast forward again' :rolleyes:  and pull yourself back to the moment you're actually living.

 

Absolutely, thats what im practising right now, just breathing and being calm. Great post Snowbear.  I want to absorb & comment a lot more but I feel really rough with a headache again and got up really late today because not of not being able to sleep for hours last night. So i'll try again when i can. 

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18 hours ago, bendylouise said:

Wow, u have a lot of hypermobility. I also met another woman in a disability group who had it very bad. The pain I get in my lower back isn't from hypermobility but the pain in my feet (along with other things) certainly caused extra strain on my back. 

I'd be interested to know how the physio helped you and what the insoles are like. This is quite personal so I'll understand if you don't want to share on this forum and I thank you for sharing so far. PM me if u want. Or could we start a new "Hypermobility etc thread?  I have also found the NHS to be worse than useless unfortunately. It's great you've made progress and I hope you go on to make more. 

I'd be happy to just chat away in the open about my many many tedious health complaints and female problems but I recognise that that is not everyone's preference 🤣 so I'm happy to have this conversation in dm's if you're more comfortable that way.  Believe me, I can talk about myself for ******* hours with very little invitation... 

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On 05/07/2022 at 15:48, snowbear said:

Surprisingly, being positive isn't what's recommended. Even the most optimistic, positive person in the world can be brought to their knees when the situation gets bad enough.  Being hopeful is much more important. 'Hope is the friend who comes to us in darkness and carries us into the light.'

 

Hope isn't much use without positivity tho is it. Blind hope is like telling yourself a fairy story just like I think I've been doing for years without realising it ie hoping that all this one day would stop.

On 05/07/2022 at 15:48, snowbear said:

So simply staying in the present moment is a great way to kill off a lot of that OCD thinking. Just takes a bit of practise to recognise 'I'm off back there/ in fast forward again' :rolleyes:  and pull yourself back to the moment you're actually living

I think this is a great tool for slowing you down, bringing you back to reality. I also look at it as being objective, sort of looking at my self from above. I've been doing that for the last few days whilst not putting any pressure on myself to do things and I think it's helped to keep me calm.

I hope that I can keep this objectivity going but I am scared that I'll lose sight of it and things might go too far before I get it back again. Having said that I want to have the ability to dismiss bad thoughts, plans and rules as soon as i realise what i'm doing.

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Being objective is great! :yes: Like in mindfulness you learn to observe your thoughts and sensations without attaching them to your sense of self.

I see what you mean about blindly hoping the OCD would stop one day. Perhaps the kind of hope I'm talking about needs to be combined with the practicality - doing - part of resilience. So you're not just hoping things will change, rather you're staying hopeful that the things you're doing to bring about change will be effective.

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I've told myself "no more new rules" and by this i mean no more "i can/can't do ......if i ........." thinking because I think this is just a bad way of doing anything. And this shouldn't be dependant on anything.

I would like to deal better with the emotions that will be in danger of derailing this, such as nervousness, anger and fear of not being in control/losing control because these are the  triggers/catylists to the above kind of black & white skewed thinking for me.  

Edited by bendylouise
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continued..........

So i guess being practical  and "in the moment" covers this and, for me, not thinking up compulsions to do in an attempt to negate perceived harmful actions done whilst suffering from these emotions/"being out of control" . I perceive these perceived actions as risks and on both counts i am entertaining skewed thinking/rules and i'm in danger of blindly following these rules. 

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1 hour ago, bendylouise said:

I've told myself "no more new rules" and by this i mean no more "i can/can't do ......if i ........." thinking because I think this is just a bad way of doing anything. And this shouldn't be dependant on anything.

Great! :yes:

1 hour ago, bendylouise said:

I would like to deal better with the emotions that will be in danger of derailing this, such as nervousness, anger and fear of not being in control/losing control because these are the  triggers/catylists to the above kind of black & white skewed thinking for me. 

Another great insight. :yes:

So how else do you think you might deal with 'negative' emotions instead of using OCD rules to gain a sense of control over them?

Do you think we have to 'deal' with negative emotions at all? They are after all a normal part of everyday life.

I think sometimes we can get stuck in the negative emotion because of trying to 'deal with it'. And when there is no solution/ way to neutralise it that's when the compulsions/OCD rules begin.

The phrase 'This too shall pass' can be a useful reminder that while you may be feeling fearful/angry/out of control in this moment, it won't last. If you just get on with going about the business of the day there'll be other (more pleasant) emotions naturally arise to take the place of the ones you don't like.

So one way to 'deal with' unwanted emotions is actually just to accept they are there for now and do nothing about them at all until they pass naturally. :)

 

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On 10/07/2022 at 02:56, snowbear said:

So how else do you think you might deal with 'negative' emotions instead of using OCD rules to gain a sense of control over them?

 

Hi, i've  had some time away from the forums and have been putting energy into practising no more rules and trying to diminish old ones.

Regarding negative emotions, I find it very difficult. When I get wound up, i tend to get nervous and the habitual negative thoughts/rules come in. i guess i am trying to keep some "control" over things (ridiculously) and is a useless habit i must break. 

So, to go back to what you said -

On 10/07/2022 at 02:56, snowbear said:

Do you think we have to 'deal' with negative emotions at all? They are after all a normal part of everyday life.

 

i am not sure. I of course want to banish the emotion immediately and then feel that i shouldn't be doing things that 'require my attention in an ocd way' whilst am feeling that emotion because then i feel unable to be strong about the thoughts. So i need to find a way of lessening the emotion or maybe I just need to accept that it doesn't affect badly ordinary things that I do such as washing.

Your point, snowbear, about accepting it and staying with it knowing that all things shall pass is a way of thinking about it that i haven't tried but thats a good point if i can have that in my mind instead of panic and false ideas about my behaviour.

 

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Well done on the progress you're making. :)

On 21/07/2022 at 14:49, bendylouise said:

So i need to find a way of lessening the emotion

I think that's an understandable mistake most people make. Obviously nobody likes feeling any negative emotion, but they are as ordinary and common as positive emotions and you don't waste time and energy trying to stop yourself from experiencing those!

So it's about treating all emotion in the same way - allow it to be there while it lasts without trying to prolong or shorten it. Go with the flow.

If that's difficult chances are you've made a connection in your mind, positive emotion = good, negative emotion = bad.

But negative emotions aren't 'bad' in themselves. The serve a purpose, same as the more pleasant ones. So try to get out of the habit of thinking 'What I'm feeling is bad' . Change it to just labelling the enmotion without the judgement of good/bad added on. ' I'm feeling angry/ hurt/disgusted/ afraid...'

When being angry/ afraid etc is no different in terms of good and bad than happy/ content it becomes easier to get on with normal things and just wait for the feeling to pass (as it will.)

No emotional state lasts forever. They come and go all the time, but you tend to notice them more if you have a sentinel guard on yoiutr shoulder watching out for 'anything bad'.

On 21/07/2022 at 14:49, bendylouise said:

Your point about accepting it and staying with it knowing that all things shall pass is a way of thinking about it that i haven't tried but thats a good point if i can have that in my mind instead of panic and false ideas about my behaviour.

:yes:  Give it a go.

If you feel up to it you can go a step further, like with ERP exercises where you go beyond normal (licking your shoe or something) so that your pendulum swings back to centre instead of staying off to one side.

So you can try, 'I'm feeling angry - that's good! Anger shows us things aren't as we want them to be and motivates us to make changes. I'm going to use this feeling while it lasts to make changes for the better.' :)

Or fear. 'I'm feeling afraid - that's good! Fear shows me there is something that needs action. I'm going to use this feeling while it lasts to push myself towards my fear instead of avoiding it (take positive action.)

And so on. :)

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On 22/07/2022 at 19:23, snowbear said:

So it's about treating all emotion in the same way - allow it to be there while it lasts without trying to prolong or shorten it. Go with the flow.

Yes I get that.

On 22/07/2022 at 19:23, snowbear said:

If that's difficult chances are you've made a connection in your mind, positive emotion = good, negative emotion = bad.

 

Its just simply that if i get wound up i get nervous and then i am not calm and then while i am doing something challenging ocd-wise, i make something "unclean" which is very troublesome in itself and also leads to restrictions.  But i think u know this already.

Anger is definitely a good tool to use to propel yourself forward, to get you moving, to see what needs to be done sometimes but nervousness doing ordinary tasks is also horrible and  requires dealing with somehow.  As you suggest, it is unhelpful just to avoid situations which wind you up just because it has a habit of leading to skewed thinking. Skewed thinking needs to be dealt with fundamentally and the anger(whatever its about), wind-up, frustration, injustice, or whatever can be "dealt with" or just ridden through, calmly, without panic, in time.

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Yeah, thanks Snowbear. 

I'm meant to be going out  tonight but it's such a huge effort mentally. I haven't even cleaned my teeth or washed my face today yet. Im still stressing about a thought which then led to me believeing i made something unclean yesterday while i was nervous. It's really brought me down again. i did a compulsion to try to make it better, but i still feel bad. I'm going to leave it now tho'.

Hope you're doing okay.

 

Edited by bendylouise
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I'm sorry you're feeling crappy lou - I've been a bit in the wars myself this last week and it just sucks a big one.  So I just want to let you know I commiserate with you but also I'm here to cheer you on and encourage you to keep going with what you're doing.  

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On 10/07/2022 at 01:06, bendylouise said:

I've told myself "no more new rules" and by this i mean no more "i can/can't do ......if i ........." thinking because I think this is just a bad way of doing anything. And this shouldn't be dependant on anything.

I would like to deal better with the emotions that will be in danger of derailing this, such as nervousness, anger and fear of not being in control/losing control because these are the  triggers/catylists to the above kind of black & white skewed thinking for me.  

I need to add depression to this list of emotions. I am so depressed. It started last night. Today I couldn't motivate myself to do anything useful and I feel hopeless regarding my life.  Clearly my thinking wasn't positive and I had a thought in the kitchen that I had done something to make me dirty even though I don't think I did really. It's as if because I wasn't on top of things mentally, I had to end up being dirty because i wasnt super aware of how i was doing things.

I suppose i am right in thinking this is just skewed thinking and old habits et cetera. And also that this isn't a good way to try and be on top of things i.e. forcing myself with threats that if I wasn't on top of things bad things i.e. getting dirty would happen. 

The depression is a killer. I truly believe that i will have to end it all one day. i hate my life and i feel dirty again. If I don't want to live this life, how can I have the courage to go against the feeling dirty thought? It's like i haveno strength in the rest of my life, why should I have strength now to say/act like im not dirty?

Edited by bendylouise
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Sending you an anti-depression hug :hug:

Depression is the result of feeling powerless and not in control of your own destiny. So maybe this bout of depression is from feeling a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of the changes you're trying to make?

I think that's unsterstandable. Challenging the way you think (thought) is HUGE.

It takes courage, commitment and resilience. It's not something anybody can do easily. (Or if there's some superhuman out there who's succeeded I've not heard of them!)

I had multiple stumbling steps forward, bouts of feeling depressed, picking myself up, starting over... it took me about 2 years before I was really able to apply the change in thinking with ease. So don't be hard on yourself!

And don't despair.

You will get there. :)

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Thank you for replying Snowbear.

2 hours ago, bendylouise said:

It's as if because I wasn't on top of things mentally, I had to end up being dirty because i wasnt super aware of how i was doing things.

 

Do u get me? 

2 hours ago, snowbear said:

Depression is the result of feeling powerless and not in control of your own destiny.

yes absolutely

2 hours ago, snowbear said:

So maybe this bout of depression is from feeling a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of the changes you're trying to make?

 

It's  probably adding to it more than is obvious to me but the physical and my life prospects are an enormous part – enough on their own (as you know). I'm trying to let it be but i need an escape.

 

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16 minutes ago, bendylouise said:

Do u get me? 

Totally get it. Got the t-shirt. :mf_tshirt:   A form of self-punishment for 'not being sufficiently aware'. But actually just another aspect of skewed thinking which you overcome with self-compassion.

 

18 minutes ago, bendylouise said:

the physical and my life prospects are an enormous part – enough on their own (as you know). I'm trying to let it be but i need an escape.

I agree on both counts. But people like us who deal with pain and disability as part of everyday existence are strong. We take things in our stride that would bring many another person to their knees. And a large part of that is that we don't fall into self-pity just because things are tough.

So yes, you do need an escape. It can't be a physical escape because there is none, so you have to have a 'happy place' or its equivalent to take yourself to mentally when you need a break.

I have several mental places I escape to when necessary. One of my favourites is spending time talking with my teddybear :blushing: another is writing fiction in my head, another is picturing the house sorted, furnished, a soft bed to ease my aching bones... and then there's Pandora's box - a titanium Tardis-like structure in the centre of my chest where I go to escape things that would drive the sanest person to suicide. All these and more are at my dispoal 24/7, mental 'tricks' that give me strength and resilience when I would otherwise despair.  You need to find/ invent some of your own. :)

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18 hours ago, snowbear said:

Totally get it. Got the t-shirt. :mf_tshirt:   A form of self-punishment for 'not being sufficiently aware'. But actually just another aspect of skewed thinking which you overcome with self-compassion.

 

Absolutely.  Love your use of emoticons btw 👍

18 hours ago, snowbear said:

I have several mental places I escape to when necessary. One of my favourites is spending time talking with my teddybear :blushing: another is writing fiction in my head, another is picturing the house sorted, furnished, a soft bed to ease my aching bones... and then there's Pandora's box - a titanium Tardis-like structure in the centre of my chest where I go to escape things that would drive the sanest person to suicide. All these and more are at my dispoal 24/7, mental 'tricks' that give me strength and resilience when I would otherwise despair.  You need to find/ invent some of your own. :)

I don't feel very capable of that, my imagination just leads me to depression. I wish I could expand my mind but just yearn for physical stimulation. I am not a cerebral person, in that sense. Its all so hard, too hard. 

You are incredible for what you do :clap:(i tried to find a taking my hat off to you emoji but couldn't find one).  I will try to find something tho' (a mental escape place, not an emoji)- another thing to try to do:whistling: 

Oops - i edited this but ended up with 2versions, the first one could be deleted as this is the correct one. Sorry :blush:

Edited by bendylouise
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