need help please

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, bendylouise said:

I don't feel very capable of that, my imagination just leads me to depression.

When you've been depressed thinking in a flat-line depressed way is the norm (a habit/ default) but that doesn't mean you're not capable of thinking in a more optimistic way - with practice. (Have you noticed everything I recommend takes practice! )

1 hour ago, bendylouise said:

I wish I could expand my mind but just yearn for physical stimulation. I am not a cerebral person, in that sense.

Have you tried mindfulness meditation?  A large part of it is about sensory awareness which might be more geared towards your physical stimulation need rather than being totally cerebral?

I'm not advocating comfort eating (or you'll get fat like me ) but what about an adaptation of it, say sucking a sweet and spend time focusing on the taste and texture in your mouth as your happy thought/ happy place?

Just brainstorming ideas here, they could be of no use at all.

I do love emoticons though,   for noticing. This one is my all time favourite emoticon - it's just so me!

[bendylouise]

On 02/08/2022 at 20:02, snowbear said:

(Have you noticed everything I recommend takes practice! )

Just a bit .  Btw i'm now going to imagine u skipping along with sticky-up pig-tails   

 

On 02/08/2022 at 20:02, snowbear said:

Have you tried mindfulness meditation? 

Yeah - and i sometimes slowly suck a wine gum which is very pleasant but i have to limt them 

I'm very depressed again, severely. and ive fallen off the wagon. I'm so depressed I had to go out to some shops today just to get out for some relief, even tho walking makes my feet hurt very badly. And ive been saying the same things to myself i used to say. I wouldn't let myself buy anything so couldn't even attempt to cheer myself up. 

Now I've got my feet in cold water, my back is hurting and I've still got to make dinner. I've just had enough of everything. 

Now i ve had dinner and painkillers and sweets! (left washing up) put ice on my back and im now lying down again with my side sore and my back still hurting with noone to talk to.  I've got to dig really deep again to get myself back on that wagon, whether my life feels worth living or not.

It's been a gradual falling off the wagon for about a week, i think. I found myself doing the old thinking patterns today.  I started the day badly, thought i'd done the wrong thing by not setting my alarm to make sure i got up a reasonable time (cause I thought i might go out) and panicked cos of this and found myself thinking that cos i panicked and was not watching what I was doing (because you can't when you panic) i had got myself dirty and at the same time said if i go out i cant get anything. I just didnt have the ability to stop it all. Tried to do some compulsions to make things clean b4 i went out but still don't know if things are clean and don't know what to do next apart from re-reading my previous posts and responses.

 

[snowbear]

50 minutes ago, bendylouise said:

I've got to dig really deep again to get myself back on that wagon, whether my life feels worth living or not.

Whether you realise it or not, just getting up, making dinner and re-reading your posts and responses - these ARE you digging deep, and successfully moving forward in spite of your depressed mood. Give yourself credit for the sucesses you have along the way, however small they seem at the time. Brick by brick these small wins build resilience.

52 minutes ago, bendylouise said:

my back still hurting with noone to talk to. 

Do you have a support network of family and friends? Is there someone you could chat to on the phone, or email at such times to make you feel less alone? I find when I'm low my instinct is to withdraw from people so as not to burden them with my woes, but if I manage to do the opposite and reach out to ask about how they are doing it gives me a lift. Thinking of others' welfare activates a different neural pathway in the brain - one which switches off the depression pathways. Fact.  

I think you're doing really well.  Don't let a minor setback / topple off the wagon throw you. Expect it. Expect more upturned carts and falls. Be ready to dust yourself off, rise again and keep going.

Think of getting back on track as an opportunity to get better at letting things go rather than as a mountain you have to reclimb. In falling and getting back up you're getting stronger, more flexible in your thinking and more mentally well the faster and easier you let it go each time. It's all good practise.

[bendylouise]

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

Whether you realise it or not, just getting up, making dinner and re-reading your posts and responses - these ARE you digging deep, and successfully moving forward in spite of your depressed mood. Give yourself credit for the sucesses you have along the way, however small they seem at the time. Brick by brick these small wins build resilience.

I want to explain that making dinner wasn't hard tonight cos of depression - but cos of the pain in my feet which after a total of two hours walking whilst out shopping (i was at the shopping Centre much longer but had 2 long breaks perching on high stools) take a good few hours to recover - over night.  I was really hungary but wouldn't let myself get something when I was out because I've already had a takeaway Chinese this week when i was so depressed and couldn't face making anything I had indoors for dinner. Just wanted you to know this because it is an important part of my troubles (my feet). 

At the moment I can't face re-reading my posts.  I want to but i feel so depressed.

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

Do you have a support network of family and friends? Is there someone you could chat to on the phone, or email at such times to make you feel less alone? I find when I'm low my instinct is to withdraw from people so as not to burden them with my woes, but if I manage to do the opposite and reach out to ask about how they are doing it gives me a lift. Thinking of others' welfare activates a different neural pathway in the brain - one which switches off the depression pathways. Fact.  

 

No i don't. That is another problem and a great source of this depression.  I find it pretty much impossible to make and keep friends in my situation,( physical and mental). But you are right and i should email people to see how they are. Several things put me off – faulty thinking i suppose saying i cant today, and difficulty sitting up and while laying as im doing now, difficulty making my  voice activation work and having to type lots of it in a very awkward position and knowing i have little to offer anyone.

 

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

I think you're doing really well.  Don't let a minor setback / topple off the wagon throw you. Expect it. Expect more upturned carts and falls. Be ready to dust yourself off, rise again and keep going.

Think of getting back on track as an opportunity to get better at letting things go rather than as a mountain you have to reclimb. In falling and getting back up you're getting stronger, more flexible in your thinking and more mentally well the faster and easier you let it go each time. It's all good practise.

Thank you for your encouragement and advice Snowbear. It all makes such good sense.  Unfortunately  apart from this forum I am alone with OCD and very lonely in life. i do have friends but it is all so difficult and i do most things alone cos its much easier. I would like to know more people that like more of the same things as i do but would accommodate all my needs or just "get it" which is pretty impossible and i have little to offer and so many insurmountable difficulties. 

i do hope u r doing ok yourself Snowbear. Do you have lots of plants? i have a few in pots outside but i dont know much. I do have a friend who is completely into gardening fortunately.

[snowbear]

25 minutes ago, bendylouise said:

i have little to offer and so many insurmountable difficulties. 

  If you want more friends this way of thinking about yourself must change. People are naturally drawn to people who believe in themselves, those who know they have much to offer just by being themselves.

Believing you have little to offer is skewed thinking. Maybe not skewed by OCD, but screwed up thinking none the less! You need to reframe your ideas on what it means to contribute something of value, to be of value to others and to the world.

Have you read 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Victor Frankl? He was one of the earliest modern day psychotherapists. His book shares insights into how we find meaning to life through purpose and what we contribute, and how contribution is sooooo much more than the usual things people consider of value.

As for 'insurmountable difficulties' - do you not get up every morning and face every day in spite of the physical difficulties? So you concquer those not-so-insurmountable obstacles all the time! If there are also mental barriers, then change the way you talk to yourself about them and they will shrink from mountain sized to mole-hill. Nothing is as difficult if you approach it in a curious frame of mind, 'Hmm, interesting, how shall I tackle this?' rather than 'OMG, it's so hard, I can't...'

Success is 70% mental attitude and 30% overcoming the actual obstacle.

Become your own cheerleader. Believe in yourself.

[bendylouise]

10 hours ago, snowbear said:

As for 'insurmountable difficulties' - do you not get up every morning and face every day in spite of the physical difficulties? So you concquer those not-so-insurmountable obstacles all the time! I

I meant insurmountable difficulties when it comes to getting together and doing things with people. Sorry if do not explain very well.

 

10 hours ago, snowbear said:

If there are also mental barriers, then change the way you talk to yourself about them and they will shrink from mountain sized to mole-hill. Nothing is as difficult if you approach it in a curious frame of mind, 'Hmm, interesting, how shall I tackle this?' rather than 'OMG, it's so hard, I can't...'

Yes i get this, but ocd gets in the way of any free or progressive thinking. So i'll need to read my posts and try to get myself what i think of as back to neutral, (or maybe this is wrong?)because at mo i keep checking if things are clean and i dont feel satisfiedf they are.  So as a consequence of this i am really struggling to allow myself to do things. 

 

10 hours ago, snowbear said:

Believing you have little to offer is skewed thinking. Maybe not skewed by OCD, but screwed up thinking none the less!

Well im not sure, but finding the right outlet and other people who agree with this and who arent too busy to be bothered with my difficulties is incredibly difficult.

 

Edited August 7, 2022 by bendylouise

[bendylouise]

10 hours ago, snowbear said:

11 hours ago, bendylouise said:

i have little to offer and so many insurmountable difficulties. 

  If you want more friends this way of thinking about yourself must change. People are naturally drawn to people who believe in themselves, those who know they have much to offer just by being themselves.

 

Well yes, but i am in a very weak and incredibly difficult position with very little support. This post was meant to be part of last post but appeared in a new post when i tried to edit with a quote.

Edited August 7, 2022 by bendylouise

[snowbear]

6 hours ago, bendylouise said:

I meant insurmountable difficulties when it comes to getting together and doing things with people.

Can you explain what you mean by that?   Does it come from a place of physically being unable to mix (but you go swimming!) or mentally feeling uncomfortable in company?

6 hours ago, bendylouise said:

finding the right outlet and other people who agree with this and who arent too busy to be bothered with my difficulties is incredibly difficult.

You find people who think you have something to offer by giving.

They won't notice your difficulties (or will seek you out in spite of them) if you give them something everybody has to give and everybody needs - social contact. That means giving them your time, empathy, sharing your experiences, being supportive -  and in return you'll receive the same.

You don't have to be supportive to others in the same way they are to you. For example, my care assistant does all the physical jobs I can't do, but in return I'm there for her to give emotional support any time she needs it. We went from a working arrangement to a genuine friendship in a matter of months. And all I gave her was a listening ear, someone who is interested in her and her hobbies and who asks her about the things she cares about. If you give people your time, your thanks and your interest they will support you in the ways you need supported, whether that's with physical stuff or reciprocal social contact.

And it's ok to offload to people now and then, just don't make every time you chat about your difficulties. My best friend and I chat weekly and regularly open with 'How are you?' with the reply of 'Least said the better!' -then we both briefly express empathy for each others difficulties and move on to chat of other things without dwelling on the bad stuff. If every chat was about the problems each of us face we'd probably not want to talk so often, begin thinking of ourselves as a burden to others, lose our sense of value. What we each have to offer is being interested in other people and other things other than ourselves. I still value the time she gives me greatly even though she's been unable to travel to visit me for the last 3 years. Me being housebound and her being no longer able to drive isn't insurmountable, just a minor inconvenience we skip past effortlessly.

Everything in life depends on how you choose to look at it. That includes how you value yourself and others.

 

[bendylouise]

On 22/06/2022 at 21:03, snowbear said:

Aim to go against one skewed thinking thing per day and as long as you axhieve that you're 'allowed' to avoid stuff the rest of that day.

As you get more used to going against the skewed thinking/ magical thinking and it's less physically stressful (not so many stress headaches etc) then you could step it up to a whole day.

Just a thought

I am rereading this thread bexause i just cant remember it all. The above idea at first seemed like it would be v strange to do. But i wonder if i could look at it as accepting (at the time it occurs) i have had some skewed thinking which would mean for me to just continue to allow things (which is what i want) and then if some more occurs, i can more easily ignore it because i have done it before, but if i cant - no this wont work because i always go back to the same thought of i cant do things and if it occured whilst i was preparing to do/buy something i had previously allowed despite the skewed thinking, it would be awful.

But it is very good to work through new ideas. I dont know, maybe I could adapt it a bit. In the past i have said that I could – once I've got through a current compulsion that I could always allow things in future. But that of course doesn't work, its more magical thinking really without doing the required work.

On 22/06/2022 at 21:03, snowbear said:

Main thing is to keep at it. Keep labelling the skewed up thinking for what it is, even if ultimately you give in to it now and then. 

So this is what i want to keep doing. But it is really hard! I have been trying to cope with some skewed thinking that occurred yesterday. Yesterday i felt "free" (meaning i could allow anything) but later did an action that risked making my back ache b4 swimming. Just b4 i did it i told myself i shouldn't, and if i did  ......blah blah. It wasnt a big risk but it was like i was testing myself?  i dont know. I was trying to put clips in my hair and repeatedly liftingI my arms up hurts my upper back. I am fed up with not being able to do thing and just wanted to get my clips in successfully! But i blamed myself for risking it, when i should be able to risk back pain if i want to anytime with impunity. 

I guess the above comes under your advice to " Remember, instant and easy self-forgiveness for any slips. No punishment. Regroup and start over."  Could the above thinking be called a slip?  I think so, skewed thinking in other words.

Btw Snowbear, by insurmountable i meant that there is  almost always  a problem stopping me from doing things with others and then another and another and its crucifying, depressing and can be embarrasing, especially if you are unusual and not understood - people just dont get it and treat you as a joke.

 

Edited August 9, 2022 by bendylouise

[snowbear]

34 minutes ago, bendylouise said:

especially if you are unusual and not understood - people just dont get it and treat you as a joke.

Beware of projecting your own feelings onto others and assuming they think and feel as you're feeling.

You have no proof people think of you as anything other than a person deserving their compassion. It is you who feels not understood, you who thinks of yourself as unusual.

People don't have to get it. They don't need to understand the difficulties you face in detail to accept you as you are and treat you with compassion, empathy and respect.

In part this ties in with you valuing yourself more, with seeing you have much to offer in spite of the difficulties and limitations you face.

Don't define yourself by your body or what you mentally feel unable to achieve. Find a better way of defining 'myself'.

Are you are kind person? Do you spend time caring about others? Do you have goals and ambitions? Likes and dislikes? Things that make you happy?

Start to picture yourself viewed through a different lens. Find a way of defining 'myself' that makes you feel good about yourself and to heck with what others make of anything.

This just takes confidence, so build up your self-confidence by trying out a few different 'me' ideas. Without adopting any one of them take note of how thinking of yourself in a different way makes you feel different. Don't be afraid to try out the views that make you feel ashamed, guilty, angry or unhappy as well as looking for viewpoints that make you feel joyful, serene, thankful and so on.

In the end you may accept yourself as a multi-faceted diamond with lots of 'faces' and several key viewpoints that define you. Most people have.

But after trying them all on for size, make sure you discard the viewpoints that make you feel less worthy, less able in any way. Unless you're one of those extremists who think all disabled people should be killed at birth then you know that everybody, whether disabled, ablebodied, mentally struggling or blessed with perfect health in mind and body - we all have much to contribute to the world and value in ourselves.

Choose to view yourself in a way that makes you feel of value so that even if somebody stands in front of you, points a finger and laughs directly in your face you can walk past them unflustered, knowing they are the fool for not being able to see beyond the outer skin to know your true worth.

[bendylouise]

19 hours ago, snowbear said:

Beware of projecting your own feelings onto others and assuming they think and feel as you're feeling.

You have no proof people think of you as anything other than a person deserving their compassion. It is you who feels not understood, you who thinks of yourself as unusual.

People don't have to get it. They don't need to understand the difficulties you face in detail to accept you as you are and treat you with compassion, empathy and respect.

In part this ties in with you valuing yourself more, with seeing you have much to offer in spite of the difficulties and limitations you face.

Don't define yourself by your body or what you mentally feel unable to achieve. Find a better way of defining 'myself'.

Are you are kind person? Do you spend time caring about others? Do you have goals and ambitions? Likes and dislikes? Things that make you happy?

Start to picture yourself viewed through a different lens. Find a way of defining 'myself' that makes you feel good about yourself and to heck with what others make of anything.

This just takes confidence, so build up your self-confidence by trying out a few different 'me' ideas. Without adopting any one of them take note of how thinking of yourself in a different way makes you feel different. Don't be afraid to try out the views that make you feel ashamed, guilty, angry or unhappy as well as looking for viewpoints that make you feel joyful, serene, thankful and so on.

In the end you may accept yourself as a multi-faceted diamond with lots of 'faces' and several key viewpoints that define you. Most people have.

But after trying them all on for size, make sure you discard the viewpoints that make you feel less worthy, less able in any way. Unless you're one of those extremists who think all disabled people should be killed at birth then you know that everybody, whether disabled, ablebodied, mentally struggling or blessed with perfect health in mind and body - we all have much to contribute to the world and value in ourselves.

Choose to view yourself in a way that makes you feel of value so that even if somebody stands in front of you, points a finger and laughs directly in your face you can walk past them unflustered, knowing they are the fool for not being able to see beyond the outer skin to know your true worth.

Snowbear. I 100% agree. Your advice is great - a timely reminder of how to live and what to aim to achieve that should help with anyone's self confidence. I get bogged down sometimes, it all gets much too much (esp depression). 

This is how i think of all others, always that they have loads of unique qualities and are worthy of being listened to and valued of course. Many people cant/won't see beyond the end of their nose unfortunately but you cant change the world so dont try, just change your own attitude towards it.

Your fave emoticon does seem to suit you well - water it and it will grow and bloom 

 i guess this suits me, wish it swam tho!

[bendylouise]

I have been re-reading some of the posts in this thread and found them soooooo useful. Its taken ages for me to be able to re-read and take them in, probably due to the depression.

Amazing insights and advice i have found impossible to retain at all this last week or so. I completely forgot about identifying skewed thinking and when i came across the phrase, was completely unable to recognise or believe it of any of my ocd thoughts. Its scary cos it seems its only at certain times, (maybe when there is a crisis or big immediate motivation) that  i am able to focus properly on the insights/methods necessary to fight ocd and related issues.  My brain power needs to be constantly kick started it seems?

But i need to find the energy to practice and be patient and try not to despair when clarity goes, but try to regroup. The trouble has been this last week or so that once I've had a habitual skewed thought and believed it, it has issued an instruction which i find has taken me over before i can recognise and dismiss it. And there are so many different issues. I struggle to simplyfy it to just one dismissal of all the various permutations as well and have got caught up again in bargaining and useless and time wasting patterns again.  

Edited August 13, 2022 by bendylouise

[snowbear]

16 hours ago, bendylouise said:

i need to find the energy to practice and be patient and try not to despair when clarity goes, but try to regroup.

Exactly. Do that and you're doing well. Keep going!

[bendylouise]

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

Exactly. Do that and you're doing well. Keep going!

 thanks

Just now i was having dinner and my t-shirt sleeve went near something that i find very triggering on my plate and i felt that it could have got 'dirty'. I was scared to look at my sleeve cos i felt that would be a compulsion and also feared that i wouldnt be able to stop. I left it and carried on as i normally would. I am now lying on my bed and i know that if i had genuinly thought i had got something on my sleeve, i would have looked at it straight away. I think i responded correctly and normally and now feel a bit uncomfortable but know thats expected. 

I am relating this i suppose cos i am I still a beginner and wondering if my thought process is ok?  i have not avoided anything (apart from looking at t-shirt sleeve) because i am laying on bed and that would be a no no. It feels wierd not fussing about it  (though i am in a way by posting about it).

Hope you are well tonight Snowbear 

Edited August 13, 2022 by bendylouise

[snowbear]

Your thinking process is spot on.  

I'm melting, but otherwise ok. 35C in my bedroom last night and today but cooler temperatures from tomorrow so just have to survive one more night of swealtering! Last night I woke myself up when drips of sweat off my nose landed on my arm.

[bendylouise]

Yay 

35° C 0h wow! Poor you! I'm lucky in that I'm downstairs and my bedroom is just under 30° C and that is bad enough. I go to bed and am awake for hours listening to an audio book, playing a game on my tablet or reading. My flat holds heat really well so i expect it to stay at this temp a few days yet. Hopefully we'll get some nice hard rain this week  

[bendylouise]

Hello,

I am struggling hard again, and have been for about a week. I've been making up the old rules, giving into skewed thinking, not even realising it was skewed thinking and the last few days restricted what I do. And want it to stop.

Last night i had the familiar problem that I was in the bathroom cleaning my teeth (which I find difficult and problematic) and wasn't concentrating on what I was doing but indulging myself on other worries. I have to be careful when i am doing my teeth (because of certain things in the bathroom not being clean) and on this occasion i wasnt  sufficiently watching what i was doing so i had the thought i had got myself dirty. I had to do some compulsions. But I didn't do them sufficiently and stopped-  because I couldn't stand to do them, not because i'd identified any skewed thinking. Immediately restrictions came in.

I've been having trouble all week and thought before doing my teeth last night that i could allow things again when i woke up today. But i came a cropper in the bathroom and now am listening again to the 'rules'/restrictions i have made up this week and last night.

Some things in my bedroom don't feel clean as a result and I don't know how to proceed with the dash it's been such a difficult week with everything (including an injured foot, further restricting going out and swimming)and I don't know whether what's happening now is a justified punishment for not paying attention. 

As i began doing compulsions but didn't complete them, i am trying to think that they didn't need doing and can be left at this stage, everything is okay (clean) and all "rules" i have put in place, restricting me, can be banished from this moment, without completing them. I cant quite see that this is correct and would love some help.

If it is all skewed thinking, and I've got a sneaking suspicion it is, I'm guessing that none of it matters – the rules, the compulsions, being set in a rut again – can all be swept away instantly leaving a clean slate as it were so that i'm free to work/play hard again. I feel overwhelmed, this week has been so emotionally hard, for a few reasons and pratically hard too . I feel embarrassed to be so weak.

I hope that everyone else is coping well.

 

[DRS1]

33 minutes ago, bendylouise said:

Hello,

I am struggling hard again, and have been for about a week. I've been making up the old rules, giving into skewed thinking, not even realising it was skewed thinking and the last few days restricted what I do. And want it to stop.

Last night i had the familiar problem that I was in the bathroom cleaning my teeth (which I find difficult and problematic) and wasn't concentrating on what I was doing but indulging myself on other worries. I have to be careful when i am doing my teeth (because of certain things in the bathroom not being clean) and on this occasion i wasnt  sufficiently watching what i was doing so i had the thought i had got myself dirty. I had to do some compulsions. But I didn't do them sufficiently and stopped-  because I couldn't stand to do them, not because i'd identified any skewed thinking. Immediately restrictions came in.

I've been having trouble all week and thought before doing my teeth last night that i could allow things again when i woke up today. But i came a cropper in the bathroom and now am listening again to the 'rules'/restrictions i have made up this week and last night.

Some things in my bedroom don't feel clean as a result and I don't know how to proceed with the dash it's been such a difficult week with everything (including an injured foot, further restricting going out and swimming)and I don't know whether what's happening now is a justified punishment for not paying attention. 

As i began doing compulsions but didn't complete them, i am trying to think that they didn't need doing and can be left at this stage, everything is okay (clean) and all "rules" i have put in place, restricting me, can be banished from this moment, without completing them. I cant quite see that this is correct and would love some help.

If it is all skewed thinking, and I've got a sneaking suspicion it is, I'm guessing that none of it matters – the rules, the compulsions, being set in a rut again – can all be swept away instantly leaving a clean slate as it were so that i'm free to work/play hard again. I feel overwhelmed, this week has been so emotionally hard, for a few reasons and pratically hard too . I feel embarrassed to be so weak.

I hope that everyone else is coping well.

 

You're not weak so don't feel embarassed about it. Remember OCD is hard to deal with. You've done very well by the sounds of it since the last time you posted. The only thing I'd suggest is re-exposing yourself to the things that could be dirty without doing compulsions, especially if you have just done a compulsion to undo its effect. That could be intentionally touching the things that "aren't clean" in the bathroom or rubbing items of clothing against the thing that isn't clean in order to "contaminate" yourself with it. Basically just trying to anti-OCD the whole thing. Other than that you've been doing great so keep going.

[bendylouise]

Thanks for your reply DRS1.

I am quite a way from doing what you suggest.  i was able to do bathroom tasks with less monitoring and checking for quite a few days, even a couple of weeks. I dont know how i will resolve the bathroom issues.

When i was doing better i had the idea that i would have to start to challenge the 'dirty' bathroom things somehow to make progress but i would have to convince myself that my thoughts were illogical, and that all these years I've been believing something that wasn't true. Alternatively I thought that I could get rid of the things which are dirty, which is quite difficult in itself, and start from the new place where my thinking is better. 

[snowbear]

On 15/09/2022 at 17:34, bendylouise said:

As i began doing compulsions but didn't complete them, i am trying to think that they didn't need doing and can be left at this stage, everything is okay (clean) and all "rules" i have put in place, restricting me, can be banished from this moment, without completing them. I cant quite see that this is correct and would love some help.

It's absolutely correct. And what's more, it's ok to stop immediately you realise you're doing a compulsion and leave it unfinished. All you need to do is remind yourself of the NEW rule - I don't need to follow ANY of the old rules!

On 15/09/2022 at 17:34, bendylouise said:

I don't know whether what's happening now is a justified punishment for not paying attention. 

These ideas around punishment is skewed thinking in the extreme. There is no justification for punishing yourself with compulsive acts. None. Not ever. Not under any circunstances.

So you weren't paying attention, it happens. Out of habit you've always assumed there could have been a breach in security (catastrophic thinking) and you've punished yourself for your lapse in concentration (or 'played it on the side of safety' depending how you want to look at it.)

What you need to do now is start breaking that habit. Engage a different style of thinking. Instead of assuming the worst, acknowledge that no alert at the time means there was no breach to alert you.

Trust me, if you'd accidentally and unknowingly touched something you consider contaminated your brain would have been screaming awareness of it at you in the same instant it happened. Avoiding contaminated areas is so deeply ingrained in your thinking that instinct to be/ become aware will override any lapse of concentration and pull you into the moment faster than lightning can strike.

So, if you experience doubts it's ok to dismiss them at once as just OCD trying to get its claws in you.

 

On 15/09/2022 at 17:34, bendylouise said:

If it is all skewed thinking, and I've got a sneaking suspicion it is, I'm guessing that none of it matters – the rules, the compulsions, being set in a rut again – can all be swept away instantly leaving a clean slate as it were so that i'm free to work/play hard again. I feel overwhelmed, this week has been so emotionally hard, for a few reasons and pratically hard too . I feel embarrassed to be so weak.

 

Deep down I think you know - I know that you know  - your rules are all skewed thinking and that it's ok to sweep them away without a second thought. All you lack is the confidence in yourself to override the rules you've lived by for a long time. That's not weakness. It's conditioning.

Are you aware that after about 6 months of slavery, living in fear, abiding by the rule of 'escape is impossible', that people give up trying to escape? At that point the enslaver can take away all the locks and the fences and the person will continue to act as if the barriers to escape are still there. Conditioned thinking. Same as you're experiencing when you first try to override your old rules.

So keep breaking those rules, keep fighting them, keep your eyes open and alert to the fact there are no barriers preventing your escape other than your own thoughts. 

When I first made the 'new rule' that I was allowed to go against anything OCD demanded by way of punishment or compulsions, there were days when I had to sweep the slate clean a hundred times in a day. Start over, slipped up, started over, slipped up, started over...

But there's a good point about years of stubbornly sticking to rules, however unnecessary those rules may be. When you set a new rule you can just stick as stubbornly to that as you did to the old rules! All that has to change is which rule you want to stick to, which side of the door you want to push against - to open it or to keep it firmly shut.

So make your new rule:

'I'm allowed to stop mid-compulsion, sweep it away and start with a clean slate any time I want and as many times as I want without any comeback' 

and then dig your heels in as stubbornly as before and push, push push until you're free! 

[bendylouise]

Thanks for your reply Snowbear.  I dont feel able to address your post at mo but just to say yes i am severely conditioned - and very scared. 

Something has made me very angry and frustrated tonight and its a really difficult one because its to do with other people's opinions and judgements and yes, it does matter, unfortunately and though i know i the worst of the feelings will eventually pass, at the mo i feel distracted and upset and as i've explained before I find it really hard to deal with things e.g. in the bathroom when I feel like nervous like this.

I feel I need to throw myself somehow into something to distract myself in another way tonight but I was planning to watch something on TV a bit later and I don't think that's enough. Also I have to do stuff in the bathroom later and i just want to feel relaxed. God I hate people sometimes. I think I'll do some exercises and listen to my book for 20 minutes or so and then make a cuppa. I'll have to force myself to not think about my anger and frustration. I think I'm in danger of creating a problem to distract myself.  Grrrrrrrr - and breathe ...............

[bendylouise]

On 16/09/2022 at 20:24, snowbear said:

These ideas around punishment is skewed thinking in the extreme. There is no justification for punishing yourself with compulsive acts. None. Not ever. Not under any circunstances.

I think i know this Snowbear. Decades ago i deliberately damaged a part of my skin and made it ugly and hated myself for it. As a result i developed 'contamination' thoughts which were a way of trying to overcompensate, to keep my skin clean so that i wasnt repeating and making the area worse and to punish myself. Also I was trying to control something in my life.  

I now want to let it go because i dont really believe that behaving normally around 'contaminants' would hurt my skin and i certainly wouldn't deliberately damage it again. 

Since that last issue in the bathroom on Sept 24, which occurred after about a week of struggling, i have managed to keep the main compulsions under control by quickly dismissing the thoughts as nonsense and have had a much more peaceful time OCD -wise.

Last night in the shower i felt i did something wrong again, and it was just that i didnt stick as rigidly to my rules at the end of the shower and have been so far unable to dismiss it all as skewed thinking. My skin doesnt exactly feel dirty, just not clean and im obviously aware I didn't do things exactly as I would've liked in the shower. I am now doing compulsions, mainly avoidance, which is very irritating and causing complications i just dont need.

I dont know when i can wipe the slate clean again, or if i have to follow through with the rules' because this one was more dangerous. It feels as though i may actually have done something bad to myself while i was in the shower. Actually though i know i go very over the top and think i need to start on a  program of looking at my behaviour and being brave and reducing the unreasonable stuff (compulsions)  i do.

It seems that i can go for a while allowing myself to do things i want to and then something trips me up. Guessing I need to be patient and see how I feel in the next few days but I want to be brave allow things now but feel too scared. I need to feel it.

It's like I need a break from doing things normally as it's so different for me, having done things in a skewed way for decades. Also i want to be more proactive about my progress ie decide to tackle the contaminated areas but when im feeling ok (like the last 11 days) i think I want to enjoy feeling okay and don't want to "risk" doing something that will upset me again. And it feels like I'm using up all my energy already. However I know that to really move on I'm going to have to challenge the skewed thinking and make more changes. I can't do it quickly.  it's too big.

I keep thinking – if I just get to the end of this restriction period  I won't follow these restriction rules again. But i know something else will happen soon, therefore i need to change something. I keep giving the wrong things importance. I want to ease up on the self monitoring so that I don't even think about what I'm doing, but that feels so dangerous.

I imagine  I have just got to decide how to do things bit by bit and stick to it and practice not giving in to feeling dirty or wrong. Like Snowbear mentioned,  a new rule could be  "I can do anything when I feel dirty or wrong. "  I have tried this before but it got so complicated and ultimately I don't want any rules, but I guess this is a good rule if i dont overcomplicate it.

There are so many good points in Snowbears last post and I'm going to try and engage with them. Somehow I really lost the plot and have given in to a compulsion again because I believed in it. I feel like I've got to see it through to the end of the restriction period and then try again. And next time try to dismiss the thinking that I have to restrict things as skewed.

 

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by bendylouise

[snowbear]

2 hours ago, bendylouise said:

I dont know when i can wipe the slate clean again, or if i have to follow through with the rules' because this one was  -feels - more dangerous.

Keep in mind always that there aren't any of these OCD rules which are actually dangerous to break. It's just a fear of something unpleasant happening that makes going against the rule feel unsafe.

2 hours ago, bendylouise said:

if I just get to the end of this restriction period  I won't follow these restriction rules again.

This is playing head games with yourself. The 'When/ Then' game is particularly good at putting things off to sometime never. As you say, there will always be something else happens so that you never reach the end of the allotted restriction period. A good way to tackle this is to change the rule to, 'Everything's already wrong now anyway, might as well get on now and do the things I've been avoiding in case something goes wrong!'

2 hours ago, bendylouise said:

ultimately I don't want any rules

  That's the desired endpoint. Aim for 'I can do whatever I want, when I want, no matter how I feel at the time.' Not so much a rule as a reminder that there are no rules you have to follow.

 

[bendylouise]

2 hours ago, bendylouise said:

dont know when i can wipe the slate clean again, or if i have to follow through with the rules' because this one was more dangerous.

hi Snowbear, thanks for your reply, I hope you are well. I understand why you change the above to feels but as it is all about my skin and I was naked in the shower it required less imagination to feel that I'd done something to it.  I think of the thoughts not associated a butt as necessary protection. This must be where I'm going wrong.

 

51 minutes ago, snowbear said:

The 'When/ Then' game is particularly good at putting things off to sometime never. As you say, there will always be something else happens so that you never reach the end of the allotted restriction period. A good way to tackle this is to change the rule to, 'Everything's already wrong now anyway, might as well get on now and do the things I've been avoiding in case something goes wrong!'

Yes it is a head game i've got into again. Although I actually will reach the end of this particular restriction period, I know that next time something occurs to make me put the restrictions in place, if I don't ignore it quickly it will happen again, and so on. I feel guilty and weak for giving into it but I clearly haven't always got the right  response in my head and buy into it because because of being uncertain.

I think a good rule would be I can do things whether I feel wrong or whether I've said I can do them or not because this is skewed thinking i must  go against.

 

 

 

[bendylouise]

On 27/09/2022 at 18:49, bendylouise said:

the thoughts not associated a butt as necessary protection. This must be where I'm going wrong.

 

Sorry - the above should be not OCD but as necessary protection.

I've got myself into a real pickle and im going round and round, and i hate myself for buying into all that ****. I am living under restrictions again, because, it seems, i didnt get rid of the thoughts/go against them. I want to discard it all but at the moment i dont feel i can

Edited September 29, 2022 by bendylouise