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My ocd has changed from hocd to pocd to animalocd rocd and real event ocd


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Please help I'm scared and shaking writing this please excuse error and grammar I'm male 46  and need to get back 9n citalopram and start therapy again because my ocd is back with a vengeance I dont know what to do I've not even been to sleep or eaten in nearly a week only deal tea or water I cannot get this new form of ocd spike out of my mind 

My ocd was hocd and that was really terrible same thing as now couldn't eat think sleep work do anything but I knew I was not gay deep down as it's not something I would ever want to do as I love women so I got over that and have been in remission for years and the groinal responses and the non stop  mind rituals and telling myself over and over I'm not gay and saying phrases to make me feel better over and over.

My ocd subjects change randomly then I started getting thoughts unwanted in my head saying you are a peo and I'm telling my mind I'm not and I would get that pop in my mind and it would drive me crazy.i got over that then the ocd subject changed again

To animal ocd groinal responses unwanted thoughts etc etc ,in the end to myself its bs and got over that after a year,then recently 

The ocd subject changed to rape ocd,I got triggered one day when I got black out drunk alone in a new town and got injured and have no idea what happened my brain started saying what if you got raped and didn't realise,so the obsessions started coming in strong could not eat sleep think the usual stuff, but got over that because people were reassuring me I would know if I was raped etc errand to move on

So then started to read about similar situations online,and then bang out of the blue an old memory from back when I was a teenager kid probbly around 15 or 16 but,I'm 46 now this really sent me over the edge and triggered me into thinking what if I have raped someone because I cannot rember if I was even involved what happened in detail. So guys I can not really remember what happened being many many decades ago but here is the story oh and rerocd is real event rape ocd so my new ocd topic to hit me is thinking I'm a rapist and not haveing a memory to be sure what happened I would tell my therapist when I get one but haven't got one at the moment 

So one day me and my 2 friends one was gay apparently the one whose house it was ,I didnt really know what gay or even sex was at the time I dont think,anyway these boys were a few years older than me,so we are at the older boys house cant remember what we were doing just chatting joking around I imagine watching a movie or listening to music maybe,then the boy said to the other boy let's play a game or dare or prank or joke or something I really dont know the details 

He said to the boy whose house we were at  put this award type statue down your trousers to see if you can take the pain and I'll tap the statute through your Jean's or trowsers I cant remember but he was fully clothed as we all were obviously. He agreed I dont know why kids do stupid stuff,so the boy whose house it was grabs his trophy thing on his table and puts it down his trousers

I saw nothing I have no idea if he put in in his underwear or just in his trousers and not in the undwear or if he put it in his you know what.he just turned around and said it's in or something again I'm assuming this really as I cannot rember something this long ago in detail,then the boy that suggested the game started to tap the other boys butt gently slapping his Jean's so I'm assuming the statue was hitting him,and he was saying to the boy does it hurt?can you take more and the boy must have said yeah it's not bad I guess or something along that so I think he tapped the boys Jean's and couple more times,then I dont rember what happened after that I guess or how it stopped,

Im not sure if they wanted me to join it's possible and I'm worried that the other 2 boys said your turn now and asked me to touch the boys Jean's like a playful slap on his backside,I dont know if it's a false memory saying that I participated in this teenage idiocy and that scares me or if I did slap his butt gently once on his jeans.i cannot remember 99 percent of it

Now I'm worried ocd is saying what if if he said stop and nobody heard him or thought he was serious as it was a joke game dare type of thing 

My rational brain says if he wanted to stop we would have if we knew he was serious and I'm even using the word we when I have no idea if I was even participating in there game probbly was not but cant be sure.its not something I would ever even dream about doing just very weird thing to do imo but teenagers and young people do weird stuff like that a lot like jackass etc  ive read online, but I cannot remember back that far

And then next day we went round his house again to hang out as noraml he said oh man my butt is sore got a bruise on my ass cheek or something again it was a lifetime ago so cant be sure on anything .so my assumption was he didnt really have that trophy thing in him but just down his trousers idk,But if he did have it in his butt hole then that was his choice I guess as he was fully clothed and we could not see anything and I would not have wanted to see anything I remember it being just weird thinking wtf are these 2 doing

I'm scared that a real event that I cannot remember if I even participated in was rape my ocd is really pushing new unwanted thoughts,I hope we didn't rape or hurt him I would never ever purposely hurt anyone it was just a game that they wanted to play  I was not worried at the time or throughout my entire life  it's only since getting an OCD topic change to rape ocd 2 weeks ago now this memory from a kid is destroying me.becsuse I cannot remember what really happened in any detail had a nightmare bad dream about this and the dream really triggerd me more.im the type of person that even before ocd I was a worrying type and if I had thought I had did anything bad that day nearly 40 years ago I would have been worried and talk my parents. I think we were all still  good friends for a couple after.then I moved away with parents 

 

Sorry for the long long story but I needed to ask am I  rapist like my rape ocd is telling me in my mind I know I'm not but my ocd is frightening nobody wants to be a rapist or a pedo or have sex with animals but ocd keeps hitting me with all the things I woukd never ever dream of doing :(

its all what if this happened what if that happened but because I cant remember my ocd is filling in the blanks I'm going over that night 40 years ago in my head non stop and false memories are starting to enter the mix aswell so I just dont know what to do

I used to post on the forums for hocd and all my other ocd worrys but I was in remission so was fine for years untill recently now I'm no stop starting to play back that night in my mind over and over and its driving me crazy trying to convince massive I'm not a monster I know going over it in the mind non stop is the compulsion because sometimes I could beat it and I feel assured I didnt do anything bad.but then 10 min later the unwanted thoughts are back am in in the cycle again

Edited by Amiamonster
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40 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

So then started to read about similar situations online

Firstly, just my own opinion on the internet regarding the reliabilty of information - be very careful.

Secondly, in your title you have come up with multiple acronyms for OCD (Obessive Compulsive Disorder).  Could I suggest you look on this site regarding 'types' of OCD, the shortcut is on https://www.ocduk.org/ocd/types/

Basically, all you have described in your thread is OCD.  Yes OCD manifests itself in various ways but in essence it is OCD.

Finally, you are not a monster as your pen name might suggest.

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42 minutes ago, northpaul said:

Firstly, just my own opinion on the internet regarding the reliabilty of information - be very careful.

Secondly, in your title you have come up with multiple acronyms for OCD (Obessive Compulsive Disorder).  Could I suggest you look on this site regarding 'types' of OCD, the shortcut is on https://www.ocduk.org/ocd/types/

Basically, all you have described in your thread is OCD.  Yes OCD manifests itself in various ways but in essence it is OCD.

Finally, you are not a monster as your pen name might suggest.

Thank you so so much  for the comment makes me feel a bit better and more calm but my new unwanted rape obsession ocd is saying to me what if he didn't consent and I remembered wrong,what if he said stop and did not immediately,what if the other boy forced him and I didnt see this ,what if I was involved and did more than slap the statue in his butt or in his Jean's once(not sure if I even did this btw),etc etc etc the ocd knows that because it was so many years ago when i was a teenager it can tell me I've done terrible things and I will not be able to ignore it because I just cant really remember, all I know is my character and that I would never knowingly hurt anyone  back then as a boy or now as a 46 year old dude

Ps thanks for the link I only used the ocd names so you guys would know what my ocd topics are about,

Edited by Amiamonster
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OCD will find a way but it is still just same OCD. I concur with you as I've had all those themes in differing amounts over the years. I've just turned 50 and am still going over situations when I was 15 like you. Paedophile, under age, incest, relationships health in general you name it. You're far from any of the things you fear but you've OCD and that puts all the theme and obsession rubbish in front of itself. It's all same thing. OCD. Try as hard as it is to distract and watch those triggers. Talk to people. Be easier on yourself. You're not alone.

 

Njb

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3 hours ago, njb said:

OCD will find a way but it is still just same OCD. I concur with you as I've had all those themes in differing amounts over the years. I've just turned 50 and am still going over situations when I was 15 like you. Paedophile, under age, incest, relationships health in general you name it. You're far from any of the things you fear but you've OCD and that puts all the theme and obsession rubbish in front of itself. It's all same thing. OCD. Try as hard as it is to distract and watch those triggers. Talk to people. Be easier on yourself. You're not alone.

 

Njb

Thank you for your kind words .its still eating me up inside feels like I did something really bad to another person i think I remember the boy that put the object in his own butt or in his Jean's or whatever the next day when we went round his to watch a movie I think he may have mentioned my OCD trigger word rape again I cant be sure ,I assume he was joking or used the wrong word for the game they were playing that night,we would have said no way it was a game bro then he probably would have said fair enough I'm just going on gut feeling as I cannot remember plus back then I was very immature for my age .and if I really did something it would be something I would not just forget especially as I'm the worrier personality even as a young one so I was not worried at the time or for the next many decades only up until 2 or 3 weeks ago all this rape obsession started and its  hell

Found this on a ocd article 

If they can't clearly remember every detail of the event, they are likely to assume something bad happened.

These obsessions cause anxiety that creates an urgent need to seek answers or reassurance over and over 

 

And the compulsions 

Repeatedly going over past behaviors, looking for wrongdoings and evaluating their actions

Reimagining the event the way they would have liked it to go

The relief brought on by these compulsions is usually temporary. The intrusive thoughts seep back in, and the cycle begins again.

This is 100000 percent what's happening to me and I'm scared I may have done something bad to my friend  without remembering because it was a lifetime ago and no1 can remember that well plus the ocd can be messing with my mind and filling in the blanks for me with proof that I'm an eveil  monster :(

I cant get an appointment with my therapist for ages so that's why j wanted to post here to get some help sorry for the really long posts as this is so hard for me to talk about or type 

also I think we all stayed  best friends for a couple more years untill my parents  moved therefore I had to move away .I'm scared that I'm a rapist and dont know i dont want to be a monster or someone that hurts people as I'm a good person 

And idk but I think people who really are rapists would  not give a dam and not be freaking out many many decades later and cant even remember the real full details of if I was involved or not

I keep trying to justify that if i did tap the boys butt once through his Jean's wilst the boy had the thing in there or just donwn his pants or jeans then it's not bad and it's just stupid immature horseplay .and frl ok for 10 min then boom more bad thoughts enter and I'm back as square 1 worried because I cannot remember 1 night clearly nearly 4 decades ago

 

 

Edited by Amiamonster
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44 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

Thank you for your kind words .its still eating me up inside feels like I did something really bad to another person i think I remember the boy that put the object in his own butt or in his Jean's or whatever the next day when we went round his to watch a movie I think he may have mentioned my OCD trigger word rape again I cant be sure ,I assume he was joking or used the wrong word for the game they were playing that night,we would have said no way it was a game bro then he probably would have said fair enough I'm just going on gut feeling as I cannot remember plus back then I was very immature for my age .and if I really did something it would be something I would not just forget especially as I'm the worrier personality even as a young one so I was not worried at the time or for the next many decades only up until 2 or 3 weeks ago all this rape obsession started and its  hell

Found this on a ocd article 

If they can't clearly remember every detail of the event, they are likely to assume something bad happened.

These obsessions cause anxiety that creates an urgent need to seek answers or reassurance over and over 

 

And the compulsions 

Repeatedly going over past behaviors, looking for wrongdoings and evaluating their actions

Reimagining the event the way they would have liked it to go

The relief brought on by these compulsions is usually temporary. The intrusive thoughts seep back in, and the cycle begins again.

This is 100000 percent what's happening to me and I'm scared I may have done something bad to my friend  without remembering because it was a lifetime ago and no1 can remember that well plus the ocd can be messing with my mind and filling in the blanks for me with proof that I'm an eveil  monster :(

I cant get an appointment with my therapist for ages so that's why j wanted to post here to get some help sorry for the really long posts as this is so hard for me to talk about or type 

also I think we all stayed  best friends for a couple more years untill my parents  moved therefore I had to move away .I'm scared that I'm a rapist and dont know i dont want to be a monster or someone that hurts people as I'm a good person 

And idk but I think people who really are rapists would  not give a dam and not be freaking out many many decades later and cant even remember the real full details of if I was involved or not

I keep trying to justify that if i did tap the boys butt once through his Jean's wilst the boy had the thing in there or just donwn his pants or jeans then it's not bad and it's just stupid immature horseplay .and frl ok for 10 min then boom more bad thoughts enter and I'm back as square 1 worried because I cannot remember 1 night clearly nearly 4 decades ago

 

 

Hi,

I can really feel how anxious you are writing this. I understand how horrendous it feels to want complete certainty when it's not possible and that urge to check everything and reassure ourselves that we wouldn't have/couldn't have done something. 

The reality is that there is no certainty. The compulsions will never give you that. They will always come back with another 'what if' or 'but'. You don't need certainty. You're here now in the present.

I can see that you're doing a lot of compulsions and that these are all keeping this perceived threat alive for you. The physical checks and mental checks, self reassurance, seeking reassurance as to how it fits into OCD etc. I've done all of these and they never ever work.

What helped for me was:

  • Stopping the physical compulsions - the checking online, googling about it and trying to find answers. When the urge to check comes, remind yourself that they never make you feel better and that you can cope with the uncertainty of not knowing. 
  • Observing rumination - I found rumination the hardest compulsion to stop and a gradual approach helped me. We desperately want to feel better and we want to soothe ourselves so we give ourselves a lot of self reassurance - the 'I'd never do that' or 'that couldn't have happened because..' types of reassurance. Once I became aware that I was doing this compulsively, that I was stuck on a loop of endless reassurance that never actually made me feel better, I gradually became more confident in stopping it. It doesn't happen overnight but try observing what your mind is doing and gently bringing yourself back to the present. What would you be doing if this intrusive thought hadn't occurred? Choose to live your life anyway even with the thoughts there. Don't fight them, just notice them.
  • Practicing compassion. It's easy to berate ourselves when OCD is convincing us that we're the worst person on the planet ever. It then becomes harder to live life because we get consumed by the narrative that OCD gives us and start identifying with it. Be kind to yourself. OCD is very convincing, very cruel and you deserve better than what it's telling you.
  • Notice the small improvements and practice gratitude. 
  • Accept that the past is the past. We don't need to revisit the past and it's impossible to do so. OCD distorts, fills in blanks with horrible hypothetical scenarios and makes things seem enormously important. We are all human and don't need to check everything that we have ever done in case something awful may have happened. Accept that you are here now in the present and that's the only place you can be. You can not find certainty nor should you need it. You can handle problems as and when they occur, you don't need to look for them. 
  • Analysing the event and trying to justify or play out the scenario in your mind is only reinforcing the OCD. You don't need to do this. Acknowledge that you are feeling anxious but don't be afraid of the anxiety. Be kind to yourself and say 'yes, I am incredibly anxious but I'm going to choose to do something else instead of the compulsions'.
  • Plan some fun, mindful things into your week. Something that takes up time and your mind has to concentrate.

The more you practice and the more of life you start living instead of doing the compulsions, the less intense the thoughts become and the less you feel like arguing with them. You will become more confident in just letting them be and won't feel the need to be confident over what happened. 

Sorry, I rambled a lot there but be kinder to yourself -you're a person struggling with OCD, not a monster as your name queries.

 

 

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1 hour ago, determination987 said:

Hi,

I can really feel how anxious you are writing this. I understand how horrendous it feels to want complete certainty when it's not possible and that urge to check everything and reassure ourselves that we wouldn't have/couldn't have done something. 

The reality is that there is no certainty. The compulsions will never give you that. They will always come back with another 'what if' or 'but'. You don't need certainty. You're here now in the present.

I can see that you're doing a lot of compulsions and that these are all keeping this perceived threat alive for you. The physical checks and mental checks, self reassurance, seeking reassurance as to how it fits into OCD etc. I've done all of these and they never ever work.

What helped for me was:

  • Stopping the physical compulsions - the checking online, googling about it and trying to find answers. When the urge to check comes, remind yourself that they never make you feel better and that you can cope with the uncertainty of not knowing. 
  • Observing rumination - I found rumination the hardest compulsion to stop and a gradual approach helped me. We desperately want to feel better and we want to soothe ourselves so we give ourselves a lot of self reassurance - the 'I'd never do that' or 'that couldn't have happened because..' types of reassurance. Once I became aware that I was doing this compulsively, that I was stuck on a loop of endless reassurance that never actually made me feel better, I gradually became more confident in stopping it. It doesn't happen overnight but try observing what your mind is doing and gently bringing yourself back to the present. What would you be doing if this intrusive thought hadn't occurred? Choose to live your life anyway even with the thoughts there. Don't fight them, just notice them.
  • Practicing compassion. It's easy to berate ourselves when OCD is convincing us that we're the worst person on the planet ever. It then becomes harder to live life because we get consumed by the narrative that OCD gives us and start identifying with it. Be kind to yourself. OCD is very convincing, very cruel and you deserve better than what it's telling you.
  • Notice the small improvements and practice gratitude. 
  • Accept that the past is the past. We don't need to revisit the past and it's impossible to do so. OCD distorts, fills in blanks with horrible hypothetical scenarios and makes things seem enormously important. We are all human and don't need to check everything that we have ever done in case something awful may have happened. Accept that you are here now in the present and that's the only place you can be. You can not find certainty nor should you need it. You can handle problems as and when they occur, you don't need to look for them. 
  • Analysing the event and trying to justify or play out the scenario in your mind is only reinforcing the OCD. You don't need to do this. Acknowledge that you are feeling anxious but don't be afraid of the anxiety. Be kind to yourself and say 'yes, I am incredibly anxious but I'm going to choose to do something else instead of the compulsions'.
  • Plan some fun, mindful things into your week. Something that takes up time and your mind has to concentrate.

The more you practice and the more of life you start living instead of doing the compulsions, the less intense the thoughts become and the less you feel like arguing with them. You will become more confident in just letting them be and won't feel the need to be confident over what happened. 

Sorry, I rambled a lot there but be kinder to yourself -you're a person struggling with OCD, not a monster as your name queries.

 

 

Thanks you aswell for the support you guys and this forum has been amazing and I'm going to really try these things 

So from what I've described do you think I'm a rapist or similar?I really need to get an urgent appointment to get back on citalopram medication and therapy  for this new topic of ocd   to just hit me, I still cant face eat or sleep or go to the gym my mind is racing 247 saying you are sick evil rapist

Edited by Amiamonster
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1 hour ago, Amiamonster said:

Thanks you aswell for the support you guys and this forum has been amazing and I'm going to really try these things 

So from what I've described do you think I'm a rapist or similar?I really need to get an urgent appointment to get back on citalopram medication and therapy  for this new topic of ocd   to just hit me, I still cant face eat or sleep or go to the gym my mind is racing 247 saying you are sick evil rapist

I think that whatever answer I give you will give you reassurance briefly and then you'll still want more. It will never be enough. You don't need an answer from me, nor do you need answers to what your mind is wanting you to be certain of.

From my perspective, your post describes someone struggling with OCD and because you can't remember something clearly, your mind has inserted a 'what if'. It wouldn't get your attention if it was positive such as 'what if I had a great time with my friends when I was a young boy' so it inserts a worst case scenario for you. 'Wouldn't it be horrible if (insert anything distressing) I was a rapist...' 

You can't possible get certainty on it so your mind convinces you that it must have happened. The more you try and apply logic to it, the more your mind comes up with rebuttal evidence as it wants to cover all bases. What started as a random horrid thought, becomes something that feels threatening and you become stuck. 

I have done this myself - I've posted on here about it in the past. It is cruel and very convincing. What you need to do is stop the compulsions. It's not easy at all but it is achievable. Over time, it becomes so much easier but it takes practice and an awareness of what your mind is doing. Try and take a step back from the thoughts.

Observe them. At first, I started labelling them as OCD thoughts but so 'Ah, I can see that my mind is wanting me to keep checking on these thoughts to make sure they don't happen. I can see this is OCD at play and I'm going to leave them alone.' Now, I see them as thoughts in general. We all have bad, good, random, bizarre thoughts all day long. It's the ones that we pay attention to, attach meaning to, that stick around. Most thoughts automatically pass by, there is no reason the bad ones can't too. You just might need to remind them that they're okay to pass on too.

Try and give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to have a break from analysing this and go do something nice. Can you go outside for a nice walk? Enjoy a nice drink in the sun? Do something that reminds yourself that you are a person and you deserve to enjoy things. 

Edited by determination987
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1 hour ago, Amiamonster said:

So from what I've described do you think I'm a rapist or similar?I really need to get an urgent appointment to get back on citalopram medication and therapy  for this new topic of ocd   to just hit me, I still cant face eat or sleep or go to the gym my mind is racing 247 saying you are sick evil rapist

Could I just check if you have actually spoken to your Doctor about the medication and where you are regarding therapy?  Both of these are always worth chasing up.

In the meantime, what might you do to distract your mind from the debilitataing OCD thinking?  What interests/hobbies do you have that will help to refocus your mind?

The more tools you have in your toolbox - the more chance you have of being in control of your life instead of OCD having the control.

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Wise words from fellow sufferers above. You're in the zone. You're going at it like OCD train at bullet speed. The truth is you can't change it but it's probable nothing happened. That's the challenge. With OCD at bay or not at all we have the inert confidence to smell a rat when our brain fires BS. When youre in the zone you dont know what shoe size you are. Take care and listen to the wise words above. Good luck.

 

Njb

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19 hours ago, determination987 said:

I think that whatever answer I give you will give you reassurance briefly and then you'll still want more. It will never be enough. You don't need an answer from me, nor do you need answers to what your mind is wanting you to be certain of.

From my perspective, your post describes someone struggling with OCD and because you can't remember something clearly, your mind has inserted a 'what if'. It wouldn't get your attention if it was positive such as 'what if I had a great time with my friends when I was a young boy' so it inserts a worst case scenario for you. 'Wouldn't it be horrible if (insert anything distressing) I was a rapist...' 

You can't possible get certainty on it so your mind convinces you that it must have happened. The more you try and apply logic to it, the more your mind comes up with rebuttal evidence as it wants to cover all bases. What started as a random horrid thought, becomes something that feels threatening and you become stuck. 

I have done this myself - I've posted on here about it in the past. It is cruel and very convincing. What you need to do is stop the compulsions. It's not easy at all but it is achievable. Over time, it becomes so much easier but it takes practice and an awareness of what your mind is doing. Try and take a step back from the thoughts.

Observe them. At first, I started labelling them as OCD thoughts but so 'Ah, I can see that my mind is wanting me to keep checking on these thoughts to make sure they don't happen. I can see this is OCD at play and I'm going to leave them alone.' Now, I see them as thoughts in general. We all have bad, good, random, bizarre thoughts all day long. It's the ones that we pay attention to, attach meaning to, that stick around. Most thoughts automatically pass by, there is no reason the bad ones can't too. You just might need to remind them that they're okay to pass on too.

Try and give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to have a break from analysing this and go do something nice. Can you go outside for a nice walk? Enjoy a nice drink in the sun? Do something that reminds yourself that you are a person and you deserve to enjoy things. 

I used to take citalopram for my ocd and anxiety and depression but when I beat hocd and animal and pedo ocd I weaned off the meds as I've been fine for years and years,I understand that you telling me may only give me brief relief but the problem is the stupid game or dare or whatever that was played many years ago actually did happen facts it was a real event and I I decribed it as best as I could to my ability to remember the full details and my ocd wont stop the focus on it because it really did happen unlike my other ocd topics that I've gotten over,so from the description did  me friend and I rape my friend does what I've described that happened sound like rape I've looked up the definition of rape and rape by penetration etc etc and I'm freaking out heart pounding 

All I want to know is do you guys think that that silly game.messing around decades ago was rape reading your replys you say things like I dont think you are a monster so that gives me some hope that you dont feel what I decribed that happened is rape

Because this is based on a real even it is way harder for me to just get over compared to my other ocd topics I know I would never intend to rape hurt or kill anyone 

Edited by Amiamonster
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15 hours ago, njb said:

Wise words from fellow sufferers above. You're in the zone. You're going at it like OCD train at bullet speed. The truth is you can't change it but it's probable nothing happened. That's the challenge. With OCD at bay or not at all we have the inert confidence to smell a rat when our brain fires BS. When youre in the zone you dont know what shoe size you are. Take care and listen to the wise words above. Good luck.

 

Njb

Problem is what I decribed in the op did happen I didnt just make it up it was a real event of  playing a silly game over 3 and an half decades ago.

 

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18 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

that silly game.messing around decades ago

This is where you need to stop. You don't need to analyse every 'event' in your life to check whether or not you did/something bad happened. 

I have had similar obsessions. Something that never occurred to me at the time to be a problem, suddenly pops in my head many years later and because I can't remember clearly, I suddenly feel anxious. Then to find the source of my anxiety, my mind will throw out a few what ifs to see what sticks. Then I revisit the 'memory' and it changes more and more. It becomes completely distorted and in your case, rather than a silly game as you have stated, it's suggested rape. This feels horrendous to you so you are desperately wanting reassurance that this isn't the case. 

Some of the best advice I have received on here is to stop seeing the obsessions as different OCD topics. You're seeing this one as harder to beat but that's because it's current. Many a times have I wished I could go back to previous obsessions because they no longer affect me. This will be the case with this too, if you treat it the same as before. OCD is OCD whether it's based around something real or not, it distorts it and convinces us of anything. It makes us doubt everything. 

How did you recover from OCD before? I know you've said that you were on meds but what did you do to change the way you responded to the thoughts? I haven't had meds so I can't comment on those but I do know that from my experience that changing the way I responded to thoughts has helped tremendously. You have two options here really:

  • You can keep doing what you're doing by doing endless compulsions (confessing, ruminating, reassurance seeking, checking definitions etc) and living in fear of being a rapist
  • You can choose to live now in the present

They sound easy but I really know they are not. We desperately want to know for sure that we haven't done anything wrong but we can't have that and it hurts. We want a fresh, clean slate but that doesn't exist. We are human, not robots and we do not need to recall everything we ever did. Both of the options are difficult but the second option means that you can go forwards in life. The other one keeps you stuck where you are now.

 

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Hi. I meant more in the way in which your OCD is interfering with your recollection of it not that the event didn't happen. It's how OCD will affect how you recall it. I'm same. I've events from 40 years ago I think about and I can't work out how it went down or endlessly ruminate on as in how i felt and how i feel now and tesring reactions to endless scenarios and outcomes but I sure as heck can tell another sufferer that OCD will mix it up and throw in all manner of rubbish. I just meant it as a yes you experienced the event but OCD is not a reliable witness.

 

Njb

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3 minutes ago, determination987 said:

This is where you need to stop. You don't need to analyse every 'event' in your life to check whether or not you did/something bad happened. 

I have had similar obsessions. Something that never occurred to me at the time to be a problem, suddenly pops in my head many years later and because I can't remember clearly, I suddenly feel anxious. Then to find the source of my anxiety, my mind will throw out a few what ifs to see what sticks. Then I revisit the 'memory' and it changes more and more. It becomes completely distorted and in your case, rather than a silly game as you have stated, it's suggested rape. This feels horrendous to you so you are desperately wanting reassurance that this isn't the case. 

Some of the best advice I have received on here is to stop seeing the obsessions as different OCD topics. You're seeing this one as harder to beat but that's because it's current. Many a times have I wished I could go back to previous obsessions because they no longer affect me. This will be the case with this too, if you treat it the same as before. OCD is OCD whether it's based around something real or not, it distorts it and convinces us of anything. It makes us doubt everything. 

How did you recover from OCD before? I know you've said that you were on meds but what did you do to change the way you responded to the thoughts? I haven't had meds so I can't comment on those but I do know that from my experience that changing the way I responded to thoughts has helped tremendously. You have two options here really:

  • You can keep doing what you're doing by doing endless compulsions (confessing, ruminating, reassurance seeking, checking definitions etc) and living in fear of being a rapist
  • You can choose to live now in the present

They sound easy but I really know they are not. We desperately want to know for sure that we haven't done anything wrong but we can't have that and it hurts. We want a fresh, clean slate but that doesn't exist. We are human, not robots and we do not need to recall everything we ever did. Both of the options are difficult but the second option means that you can go forwards in life. The other one keeps you stuck where you are now.

 

That (pointing above)! 

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9 minutes ago, determination987 said:

This is where you need to stop. You don't need to analyse every 'event' in your life to check whether or not you did/something bad happened. 

I have had similar obsessions. Something that never occurred to me at the time to be a problem, suddenly pops in my head many years later and because I can't remember clearly, I suddenly feel anxious. Then to find the source of my anxiety, my mind will throw out a few what ifs to see what sticks. Then I revisit the 'memory' and it changes more and more. It becomes completely distorted and in your case, rather than a silly game as you have stated, it's suggested rape. This feels horrendous to you so you are desperately wanting reassurance that this isn't the case. 

Some of the best advice I have received on here is to stop seeing the obsessions as different OCD topics. You're seeing this one as harder to beat but that's because it's current. Many a times have I wished I could go back to previous obsessions because they no longer affect me. This will be the case with this too, if you treat it the same as before. OCD is OCD whether it's based around something real or not, it distorts it and convinces us of anything. It makes us doubt everything. 

How did you recover from OCD before? I know you've said that you were on meds but what did you do to change the way you responded to the thoughts? I haven't had meds so I can't comment on those but I do know that from my experience that changing the way I responded to thoughts has helped tremendously. You have two options here really:

  • You can keep doing what you're doing by doing endless compulsions (confessing, ruminating, reassurance seeking, checking definitions etc) and living in fear of being a rapist
  • You can choose to live now in the present

They sound easy but I really know they are not. We desperately want to know for sure that we haven't done anything wrong but we can't have that and it hurts. We want a fresh, clean slate but that doesn't exist. We are human, not robots and we do not need to recall everything we ever did. Both of the options are difficult but the second option means that you can go forwards in life. The other one keeps you stuck where you are 

Amazing amazing words you are very knowledgeable as are the other guys that have commented in my thread and have helped me more than you could imagine.

How did I get over the other topics?using forums like this mainly I did have some therapy also I dont think the meds really helped as much and reassurance, for me I dont need to keep getting reassurance once I could see that I was not a pedo or gay or animal sex etc etc the groinal response and horrible stuff went away and I could see that theses topics are fake and also most laughable and ridiculous to me now i do still get unwanted thoughts about these topics but I brush them off easily now as I know they are not real

 

 

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20 minutes ago, njb said:

Hi. I meant more in the way in which your OCD is interfering with your recollection of it not that the event didn't happen. It's how OCD will affect how you recall it. I'm same. I've events from 40 years ago I think about and I can't work out how it went down or endlessly ruminate on as in how i felt and how i feel now and tesring reactions to endless scenarios and outcomes but I sure as heck can tell another sufferer that OCD will mix it up and throw in all manner of rubbish. I just meant it as a yes you experienced the event but OCD is not a reliable witness.

 

Njb

Yes thank you I get what you mean.my ocd makes me wonder and doubt if that what I once thought was a harmless but weird jackass type game of dare my friend agreeing to putting some item in his ass under his jeans fully clothed and then we slap the item through his Jean's on the outside to see how much pain he could take was actually rape,but I think looking at rape definition or rape by penetration definition i think you need to forcibly put something into the other person,I know,I didn't put anything in the other boy, he put something in his own trowsers  he was not forced and because he was fully clothed I could not see if the statute thing he put in his trousers was actually in his anus or down the side of his leg or on his ass cheek or wherever even if he said it was in his ass I never saw any evidences he was fully clothed, and the other boy was slapping his butt through his clothing I may have slappe it once from peer pressure as I was a few years younger than the others .

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23 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

Amazing amazing words you are very knowledgeable as are the other guys that have commented in my thread and have helped me more than you could imagine.

How did I get over the other topics?using forums like this mainly I did have some therapy also I dont think the meds really helped as much and reassurance, for me I dont need to keep getting reassurance once I could see that I was not a pedo or gay or animal sex etc etc the groinal response and horrible stuff went away and I could see that theses topics are fake and also most laughable and ridiculous to me now i do still get unwanted thoughts about these topics but I brush them off easily now as I know they are not real

 

 

I think what would be useful is to accept that you don’t need to have certainty on thoughts. I often sought reassurance on a topic and then as soon as I’d felt better about that one, it would move onto the next. I was never really overcoming the OCD and my brain was still actively searching for certainty all of the time.

Our brains want to protect us. It senses anxiety and wants to ensure that we are safe so will look for any potential ‘problem’ that we can eradicate it and survive. By sorting out one ‘problem’, it will move onto the next perceived threat.

What would you like to do today if you weren’t revisiting the past? You sound like a kind person which is why it’s latches onto this theme. What can you do today that is good for yourself? Live how you would like to live. 

Your other experiences with OCD sound very similar. At the root of it all, it looks to be that you are worried about not being a good person so it’s finding ‘evidence’ as to how this might be the case so that it can grab your attention. 

Have you read any self help books? Part of Breaking Free From OCD I believe (I’ll have to check as I’ve read a few), was about looking at what was the underlying fear that I had. 

You don’t need to check thoughts, to confess them or to get certainty on them. Ultimately you had a thought. Let the thoughts pass on on their own. Don’t fight or justify them, just carry on with your day the best you can. You will still get the thoughts and you will feel horrendously anxious but the more you practice letting them be, the less they will come and your anxiety will go down all on its own.

Take that leap of faith.

 

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27 minutes ago, determination987 said:

I think what would be useful is to accept that you don’t need to have certainty on thoughts. I often sought reassurance on a topic and then as soon as I’d felt better about that one, it would move onto the next. I was never really overcoming the OCD and my brain was still actively searching for certainty all of the time.

Our brains want to protect us. It senses anxiety and wants to ensure that we are safe so will look for any potential ‘problem’ that we can eradicate it and survive. By sorting out one ‘problem’, it will move onto the next perceived threat.

What would you like to do today if you weren’t revisiting the past? You sound like a kind person which is why it’s latches onto this theme. What can you do today that is good for yourself? Live how you would like to live. 

Your other experiences with OCD sound very similar. At the root of it all, it looks to be that you are worried about not being a good person so it’s finding ‘evidence’ as to how this might be the case so that it can grab your attention. 

Have you read any self help books? Part of Breaking Free From OCD I believe (I’ll have to check as I’ve read a few), was about looking at what was the underlying fear that I had. 

You don’t need to check thoughts, to confess them or to get certainty on them. Ultimately you had a thought. Let the thoughts pass on on their own. Don’t fight or justify them, just carry on with your day the best you can. You will still get the thoughts and you will feel horrendously anxious but the more you practice letting them be, the less they will come and your anxiety will go down all on its own.

Take that leap of faith.

 

Is what happened rape etc  from what I decribed would you say me and my friend raped or did similar to my friend ?

I have Not read any self help books yet but I'll look into that and go library something to get out of the house as I'm still not feeling good, reading up the definition of rape and sexual assult by penetration online scares me.but from what I have described of that night I dont think it would be any crime or offence ? Because if you guys reading this thread thought I was a rapist I'm sure you guys would say what happened was very bad sick and wrong,and I should be in jail?

I just want to feel ok again like I was 3 weeks ago.

 

Edited by Amiamonster
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59 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

harmless but weird jackass type game of dare my friend agreeing to putting some item in his ass under his jeans fully clothed

 

19 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

Is what happened rape etc  from what I decribed

You have answered the question for yourself - my friend agreeing.

 

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45 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

I just want to feel ok again like I was 3 weeks ago.

What has actually changed in the last 3 weeks? Was it that you had an intrusive thought? 

If you don't deal with the OCD itself and see it as dealing with each individual case then it will keeping coming back in a different disguise. 

I have been there, searching legislation even though deep down I knew that I didn't need to. I just wanted to find that one specific answer that would guarantee that this hypothetical scenario hadn't happened. I promise you that it doesn't work. I didn't ever find anything except misery. The more you go down this hole, the more anxious you will feel and the more 'evidence' it throws at you. Take a step back from the thoughts and stop searching.

You do not need me to answer what I think. You have answered it yourself. You will move on from this and it will become the same as the others that you described: 

1 hour ago, Amiamonster said:

topics are fake and also most laughable and ridiculous to me now i do still get unwanted thoughts about these topics

Try and stop the physical compulsions first. Come away from the computer/device and searching definitions etc. This isn't helping. You already found that it didn't apply and yet it's not enough for you. Can you get outside for some fresh air? Do something that can keep you busy for a bit to give you a break from checking?

Try and be aware of the ruminating and need for reassurance. I find that OCD is like an addiction. If you give a little, it will always want more. You need to cut it off. Stop the cycle. You are dong so many compulsions right now as I know that you want to feel better. There is no quick fix but taking some small steps now and building them up will help you massively. Practice and use this obsession as the motivation to get better. Practice not doing the compulsions and start enjoying your life.

Edited by determination987
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1 hour ago, northpaul said:

 

You have answered the question for yourself - my friend agreeing.

 

Yes i know and I know I didnt put it down his butt either sorry for the graphic explanation but my ocd says what if he did not agree etc etc ,thing is I was not worried at the time and not worried though out my entire life untill  3 weeks ago.if I had knowingly done something bad back then I would have never have got over it and probbly would have told my parents. So I was fine then so I guess I'm fine now and my ocd is blowing it all out of proportion.im starting to feel better already you guys really dont know how much you have helped me with this thread I've posted I'm really really thankful for the help everyone here that have replied.i cant thank you enough I'm not a bad person and my ocd wants me to think I am bad to cause me stress and depression and panic attack and the feeling that I dont deserve  to be happy and should be in prison or dead as punishment I hate ocd its hell

Edited by Amiamonster
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13 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

my ocd is blowing it all out of proportion

What do you think you could do to distract your mind away from the debilitating thinking that OCD is causing you?  What do you enjoy?  What will keep your mind positively and beneficially occupied?

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2 hours ago, determination987 said:

What has actually changed in the last 3 weeks? Was it that you had an intrusive thought? 

If you don't deal with the OCD itself and see it as dealing with each individual case then it will keeping coming back in a different disguise. 

I have been there, searching legislation even though deep down I knew that I didn't need to. I just wanted to find that one specific answer that would guarantee that this hypothetical scenario hadn't happened. I promise you that it doesn't work. I didn't ever find anything except misery. The more you go down this hole, the more anxious you will feel and the more 'evidence' it throws at you. Take a step back from the thoughts and stop searching.

You do not need me to answer what I think. You have answered it yourself. You will move on from this and it will become the same as the others that you described: 

Try and stop the physical compulsions first. Come away from the computer/device and searching definitions etc. This isn't helping. You already found that it didn't apply and yet it's not enough for you. Can you get outside for some fresh air? Do something that can keep you busy for a bit to give you a break from checking?

Try and be aware of the ruminating and need for reassurance. I find that OCD is like an addiction. If you give a little, it will always want more. You need to cut it off. Stop the cycle. You are dong so many compulsions right now as I know that you want to feel better. There is no quick fix but taking some small steps now and building them up will help you massively. Practice and use this obsession as the motivation to get better. Practice not doing the compulsions and start enjoying your life.

Thank you again you guys have been amazing and I'm feeling alot better allready I knew I was not an evil person really thinking about stuff I did when I was young is stupid.as I was not worried back then or ever since until recently last few weeks.i need to man up and ignore the ocd like I did with all the other OCD topics that have been attacking me and forget about what went on that day back when I was young I'm an old man now 46 years old.anywy cant thank you guys that have commented on my thread and truly helped me I really appreciate your time you have put my mind at ease I should be able to get my first night sleep tonight as I've not sleped properly in 3 weeks since this worry started and lost 12 lbs from not eating hardly any food 

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2 hours ago, northpaul said:

What do you think you could do to distract your mind away from the debilitating thinking that OCD is causing you?  What do you enjoy?  What will keep your mind positively and beneficially occupied?

Well I enjoy djing ,and going to the gym bodybuilding and stuff like that but since this new real event ocd hit me I haven't been able to concentrate on anything because of the thoughts of that night.and because I've not been able to sleep for 3 weeks or eat I feel weak and bad

North paul ,dermiantion  and njb you have been great very nice people I was really scared posting this thread really scared as you could probably tell by my writing this thread confessing or talking about this was one of the hardest things I've done ,I know that sounds stupid but it was super scared because I thought everyone would say I'm sick and twisted monster ..and that would send me over the edge.and hopefully this thread may help others in my situation I'm assuming other people when they were young did this type of game or dare with there friends and now they are old the thought one day pops into there mind and boom worrying like crazy

Love this community 

Edited by Amiamonster
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