My ocd has changed from hocd to pocd to animalocd rocd and real event ocd

[DRS1]

5 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

But your saying the ocd thoughts may be wrong and they might be right, in my mind that means your saying from what I've said happened that day as a kid was a brutal rape attack .I just want people to tell me what I've described is not rape and I am not a rapist that would end this for me I can try move on. I'm thinking about asking my parents if they think my story sounds like rape but I will never be able to see them again after asking such a weird sick question 

To anyone reading this in a similar situation please tell me

AM I A RAPIST ?i dont think i am as i would rather die than knowingly rape somebody but i need to know to move on past this

Nope, you're trying to be logical about OCD that's illogical. I didn't say anything of the sort. What I said is there is a possibility that OCD is right but equality there is a possibility that it is wrong. The issue is these aren't probabilities. How many times has someone given you reassurance on this and how many times has it worked, genuinely asking? I'd be curious to find out if the answer is not zero. If it's not zero then you may well be the first person ever to have managed to give OCD certainty and for it to have worked but ultimately this is just isn't how OCD works. Don't ask your parents, your just seeking reassurance from them. You don't want to have them accommodating your OCD and if they don't have a good knowledge of OCD then you are probably going to get that reassurance every time which isn't fair to them or you.

 

Why punish yourself mentally for something that might or might not have happened decades ago. Why keep doing this. It's like your just constantly punching yourself in the face multiple times a day and for no justification. You need to accept that it is not a reasonable thing to do. 

 

No one with OCD with similar thoughts or images or real event situations has ever got an answer for their own situations. No amount of reassurance, no amount of someone telling them that it is / was "this". None of it works @Amiamonster. You know what you need to do in order to get better, it's about whether or not you feel ready to do that or not. I can't remember if you've been in therapy or not but I would say you definitely need to see if you can get therapy as they can help you unlock how OCD works and allow you to be in a position to try and reduce these compulsions.

 

I think you've been given pretty much the same advice or similar to every time you've made posts about this so I'm not sure what we can do differently to try and explain how this is working. We are never going to give you an answer that will satisfy OCD. If you were told you were, it wouldn't be good enough for OCD. If you were told you weren't it wouldn't be good enough for OCD. See where this is going? You can't win by figuring this out or being told which is true or not. You win by giving up trying to fight OCD with compulsions. I feel for what you are dealing with and I understand how distressing it is but equally I've been through OCD where it was utterly disabling where I would think that I was all these bad things. Yet, I gave up trying to fight OCD, and I won by doing that. I didn't lose. My moral values didn't vanish. Sure if I have an intrusive image of a knife and me being stabbed with it or someone else being stabbed with it, that could happen. However, it might not. I'm taking my chances that OCD is wrong. You should take your chances that OCD is wrong with this too.

 

 

[Amiamonster]

The problem is I have asked for reassurance only in this thread I've never told another person too scared I've asked here only DO YOU GUYS THINK IM A RAPIST from my story, and nobody has given me any reassurance to say no what you described is not rape or sexual assault etc you are not a criminal and you can forget about it because your worried for no reason.thats all I needed but because I've never even been reassured that's why I'm still worried I'm a sicko .thank you for all your patience and time with me and that goes for everyone that commented or read my thread

I can promised I wont be back here if I get opinion, am I a rapist from what I described if you guys think I'm not a rspist then I'll be able to get past this.that is why I tried to detail the story as best as I could to find out if what happened that day is a sick crime or not. Nobody was forced to do anything is my rational brain my ocd brain says yes he was forced .

Maybe I'll call the police  show then this thread and ask them if I'm a rapist and maybe call a solicitor and ask them if they think I'm a monster 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Amiamonster

[DRS1]

5 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

The problem is I have asked for reassurance only in this thread I've never told another person too scared I've asked here only DO YOU GUYS THINK IM A RAPIST from my story, and nobody has given me any reassurance to say no what you described is not rape or sexual assault etc you are not a criminal and you can forget about it because your worried for no reason.thats all I needed but because I've never even been reassured that's why I'm still worried I'm a sicko .thank you for all your patience and time with me and that goes for everyone that commented or read my thread

I can promised I wont be back here if I get opinion, am I a rapist from what I described if you guys think I'm not a rspist then I'll be able to get past this.that is why I tried to detail the story as best as I could to find out if what happened that day is a sick crime 

 

No that won't help you. You know full well that getting that "opinion" won't work. It might be enough for a day, a week maybe at best buy then it will just come back around again. So that promise wouldn't work as eventually you'd find your way back to the forum for more reassurance. 

If at this point you don't recognize that then I would say you need to gain more insight about OCD. Therapy would be a good way to do this with a professional. Not because it might or might not be true, but because OCD is taking so much of your time and severely limiting your ability to do the things you want to do.

 

[Amiamonster]

21 minutes ago, DRS1 said:

No that won't help you. You know full well that getting that "opinion" won't work. It might be enough for a day, a week maybe at best buy then it will just come back around again. So that promise wouldn't work as eventually you'd find your way back to the forum for more reassurance. 

If at this point you don't recognize that then I would say you need to gain more insight about OCD. Therapy would be a good way to do this with a professional. Not because it might or might not be true, but because OCD is taking so much of your time and severely limiting your ability to do the things you want to do.

 

Ok so nobody will say that I'm not a rapist that means what I've described is rape ok so I'm going to have to accept I'm a filthy rapist .I'll call the police tommrow to ask them that all I want to know but I'm going to tell my family I'm a rapsit in a bit this will be the hardest thing I do before I die

also telling my friends will be hard I just wish someone would say what you described is not rape and not anything to worry about but no1 is willing to say that because they know it's a viscous rape and dont want to blatant tell me that I'm a rapist now 

I cannot believe you guys think what I've described about the boy putting some **** in his but and people hit it, is I'm a rapist I'm crying right now I feel like a complete pu$$y

Probbly will end it because you guys think I may be a rapist all I wanted was one bit or reassurance that the game was nothing bad

Edited September 25, 2022 by Amiamonster

[DRS1]

Just now, Amiamonster said:

Ok so nobody will say that I'm not a rapist that means what I've described is rape ok so I'm going to have to accept I'm a filthy rapist .I'll call the police tommrow to ask them that all I want to know but I'm going to tell my family I'm a rapsit in a bit this will be the hardest thing I do before I die

Please go and see a therapist. This has got to the point where we aren't going be of any use to you getting better until you are able to understand how OCD is working here. I think its been said more than enough times about why you are getting stuck in the loop but instead of trying to take that onboard you seem to want to say things like "nobody will say I'm not a rapist that means what I've described is rape". Nobody said the opposite either though did they. Nobody told you you were and nobody told you you weren't. Just because we don't give an answer doesn't mean that you / your OCD can twist this to well that must mean I must be. I can't gather at this point whether this is OCD catastrophising or if its something you are doing to try to make someone give you a definitive answer / reassurance but if it's the latter this isn't fair.

 

I know it's distressing, I know it must be awful but it's been said a lot that the only reason you are stuck in this loop is the reassurance seeking and rumination compulsions that you are doing. Are you able to understand that these are the things you need to stop and that these are the problem?

 

Instead of doing any of the things in your post, try to go and get therapy and if that can't wait, please contact the Samaritans or NHS 24 and explain to them you have OCD and see if they can get anything kickstarted for you. If you are feeling suicidal right now then I suggest you go to A & E or contact the Samaritans. I don't think me responding is helpful at this point as it's probably just keeping the desire to do more reassurance seeking in the hope that someone / me will give in and just give you that reassurance but I'm never going to do that and nor should anyone else in the forum as it's more detrimental you than you think.

[Amiamonster]

How many times has someone given you reassurance on this and how many times has it worked, genuinely asking? I'd be curious to find out if the answer

The answer really is zero I swear to god  nobody has given me any reassurance at all to tell me from what i have described that is not rape or a crime and that i have nothing to worry about

If a person agrees to put some thing down there pant in there butt or whatever then agrees to let the other friends hit the item to see how much pain he can take for a dare or something then is that rape I say no it's not it's a dumb game stupid young people do 

But why wont anyone just say of course that is not rape stop being silly and relax.but because I've had no reassurance all I can think of is that I'm a rapist I hope you understand I'm very bad at typing eapsislly during a full on panic attack when I reaslied you guys think I maybe have raped someone but wont give a straight answer like that is not a definition of rape or sexual assault 

 

Dont worry I'm not going to do anything  like hurt myself thanks for the kind words and I will see a therapist but I'm getting one that knows about ocd not just a regular one I had booked ,as for knowing the seeking assurance is a main power ocd has on the person yes I know this it's a main driver of compulsions .but I've not been giving any reassurance have I other than people not answering my question does this event that happened account to rape or sexual assault or whatever these assult are called no one will answer  now not answering to someone with ocd is the same as saying bro what you did was sick that's rape bro you see what I mean again please you can continue to post ,I do understand ocd as I've had it for years 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Amiamonster

[Amiamonster]

Ok guys so my heart rate is back to normal not shaking anymore so I've gone back and read over all the posts and replies and in my ocd rant with the new more violent topic that entered my head from last night i got caught up,reading the replies clearly say you are not a monster and it's not rape etc etc so @DRS1 your right I did get given the reassurance that I was looking for ,my bad for oversighting that when it's pretty clear now I've gone back and read. When I added more information and reposted again recently I felt I needed reassurance again for the new bits of info I've added that may or my not be real or have happened that way.but in reality nothing has changed from the first post whether the item was outside his pants or in or item was being hit or the trowsers makes no difference because it's not rape and I can see that clearer now I'm calm and reread this thread .I apologise and didnt want to upset you or make you not want to post because you have acknowledged that I've done nothing wrong that day buy saying it's just ocd trying to make a normal childish event into something that it's not to scare me.thank got i didnt tell my parents and chilled out before freaking out and calling the cops lol

[Amiamonster]

Posted September 17

i think I just need to man up other people would not be worrying about this I'm sure millions of kids teens and young people have done games like that as jokes or dares and pranks etc etc and if they dont have ocd it would not worry them,but I'm sure if you have ocd then it will haunt them and control them also, even though they haven't done anything bad  just like my situation.

You agreed that what I've described is not a crime or bad so I'm going to man up and try and forget about it and when the thoughts come I'm going to laugh and say bring it on  dont care I'm not a rapist I'll play ocd at it's own game .hopefully I wont be back you guys have been a Rock for me the best forum in the world with kind people 

Thanks again guys I'm gonna try harder to stop asking for reassurance when its clear I dont need reassurance because ovbilsy it's not rape my mind is clear again.and you were right I was given the reassurance I needed plenty of times by you all 

[DRS1]

2 minutes ago, Amiamonster said:

Ok guys so my heart rate is back to normal not shaking anymore so I've gone back and read over all the posts and replies and in my ocd rant with the new more violent topic that entered my head from last night i got caught up,reading the replies clearly say you are not a monster and it's not rape etc etc so @DRS1 your right I did get given the reassurance that I was looking for ,my bad for oversighting that when it's pretty clear now I've gone back and read. When I added more information and reposted again recently I felt I needed reassurance again for the new bits of info I've added that may or my not be real or have happened that way.but in reality nothing has changed from the first post whether the item was outside his pants or in or item was being hit or the trowsers makes no difference because it's not rape and I can see that clearer now I'm calm and reread this thread .I apologise and didnt want to upset you or make you not want to post because you have acknowledged that I've done nothing wrong that day buy saying it's just ocd trying to make a normal childish event into something that it's not to scare me.thank got i didnt tell my parents and chilled out before freaking out and calling the cops lol

I'm glad you've managed to calm down a bit and see that this is no different to the original thought that OCD latched onto. You didn't upset me or make me not want to post. I said it because at that point it wasn't going to change anything for you if I continued to post whilst you couldn't see that this was all for reassurance. The thing is OCD is always going to latch onto this sort of stuff so there's nothing we can ever do to try and convince it otherwise to what it's decided has to be the case.

 

I do still have my concerns about your insight when you get caught in that loop though and I do think that's something you need to get into therapy for as they will be able to help with that so that when you do get caught in the loop you don't feel like you've suddenly forgotten everything you've learned about OCD. I think therapy is worth it at least in my experience as it helped me so I would look to see if you can refer yourself or get your GP to refer you to get therapy.

[Amiamonster]

21 minutes ago, DRS1 said:

I'm glad you've managed to calm down a bit and see that this is no different to the original thought that OCD latched onto. You didn't upset me or make me not want to post. I said it because at that point it wasn't going to change anything for you if I continued to post whilst you couldn't see that this was all for reassurance. The thing is OCD is always going to latch onto this sort of stuff so there's nothing we can ever do to try and convince it otherwise to what it's decided has to be the case.

 

I do still have my concerns about your insight when you get caught in that loop though and I do think that's something you need to get into therapy for as they will be able to help with that so that when you do get caught in the loop you don't feel like you've suddenly forgotten everything you've learned about OCD. I think therapy is worth it at least in my experience as it helped me so I would look to see if you can refer yourself or get your GP to refer you to get therapy.

Yeah when I'm in freaking over drive  panic my sence or reality goes out the window.it only when I get a new spike like I got last night visiting my parents as you and the forum saw me meltdown.but once I calmed and went back over the thread and read all of the amazing may I add replies brought me back down to reality and I'm back to knowing that I did nothing wrong 

The main thing I use to rid the anxiety is to remember I was not worried at the time of the event 30 odd years ago and was not worried throughout my entire life after the event I never thought about it therefore I didnt do anything bad,and I also think that others would not worry about such and event that may have happened when young or any age

Because I've always been a worried person and if i had done a horrific crime i would have neve gotten over it or  forgotten about what even happened.  So I know its ocd  and I always want to be a good person and ocd knows if it convises me I'm eveil then im helpless to it like im its slave .

I need to turn the table on the ocd and play it at it's own game and just laugh at the horrific thoughts and not try to justify to myself and prove using thoughts why I am innocent and have done nothing wrong when brain brain tells me I'm a rapist.my ocd is preying on only things I dont want to be  and discussed me and things that are against my morals.

As you can see I do understand how ocd works but whn I'm in panic mode it's hard to think clearly yes I am getting a specialist in ocd not that random therapist as she is not a specialist more a general therapist for depression anxiety ocd .

[Amiamonster]

On 12/07/2022 at 23:24, MarieJo said:

If anything bad had happened you would not have forgotten it for 30 odd years. Nobody would forget a terrible incident like rape, especially a deep thinking sensitive soul. It's ocd for sure.  The theme changes but the doubt is the same....and your constant ruminating is fuelling it. Let it go.

Love this post and all the other posts  people said I feel good I'm going to enjoy a special dinner with my lovely parents.im 100 percent showing this thread to my therapist when I get one that specialised  in ocd you guys have been amazing I love you all