Backfired

[Phili]

A while ago I started a thing with my sayings where I would basically say in my head, to the devil because I can’t help it, that whatever I was doing wasn’t cursed if there was no Bono in it. Poor Bono but he has always been a help.
Now it has massively backfired on me with an intrusive thought that goes, as long as I wasn’t thinking about Bono, which if that thought is there is impossible, so now the saying is being hijacked by not thinking instead of not being and it’s making me do things over and over even more. 
I just travelled in my game but now I think if k don’t go back to my last spot and travel all over again from the exact location, the d word will curse what I’m doing with me getting the c word and I’ll get sick or find lumps. If I do go back and do it, I’ll do it wrong again and I’ll get stuck in a cycle. This has infected everything to the point I’ve become almost completely non functioning. I’m trying to ignore it but I’m petrified. I can’t play my game. I can’t communicate. I can’t write, I can’t draw. I wasn’t to ignore it but I’m so scared I want to cry

[howard]

Not being funny, but with most posters in distress, I see they are at the center of a sort of mini mind storm. Usually from the outside I can see what they are saying in a more objective way and try to give them some perspective.

But I'm finding it hard to understand what you are going through. Any way you can simplify it for me to understand?

Hopefully you are feeling calmer today.

[Lynz]

23 hours ago, Phili said:

A while ago I started a thing with my sayings where I would basically say in my head, to the devil because I can’t help it, that whatever I was doing wasn’t cursed if there was no Bono in it. Poor Bono but he has always been a help.
Now it has massively backfired on me with an intrusive thought that goes, as long as I wasn’t thinking about Bono, which if that thought is there is impossible, so now the saying is being hijacked by not thinking instead of not being and it’s making me do things over and over even more. 
I just travelled in my game but now I think if k don’t go back to my last spot and travel all over again from the exact location, the d word will curse what I’m doing with me getting the c word and I’ll get sick or find lumps. If I do go back and do it, I’ll do it wrong again and I’ll get stuck in a cycle. This has infected everything to the point I’ve become almost completely non functioning. I’m trying to ignore it but I’m petrified. I can’t play my game. I can’t communicate. I can’t write, I can’t draw. I wasn’t to ignore it but I’m so scared I want to cry

I'm sorry Phili but I'm having difficulty trying to understand what you mean here. I'm afraid what you've wrote doesn't make any sense at all.

[Phili]

8 hours ago, howard said:

Not being funny, but with most posters in distress, I see they are at the center of a sort of mini mind storm. Usually from the outside I can see what they are saying in a more objective way and try to give them some perspective.

But I'm finding it hard to understand what you are going through. Any way you can simplify it for me to understand?

Hopefully you are feeling calmer today.

 

2 hours ago, Lynz said:

I'm sorry Phili but I'm having difficulty trying to understand what you mean here. I'm afraid what you've wrote doesn't make any sense at all.

I have religious sayings that o use to curse things

[Saffron37]

Phili, if I understand correctly, it sounds like you're caught in some nasty spirals of obsessive-compulsive behaviors and magical thinking. 

On 12/07/2022 at 16:41, Phili said:

I just travelled in my game but now I think if k don’t go back to my last spot and travel all over again from the exact location, the d word will curse what I’m doing with me getting the c word and I’ll get sick or find lumps. If I do go back and do it, I’ll do it wrong again and I’ll get stuck in a cycle. This has infected everything to the point I’ve become almost completely non functioning. I’m trying to ignore it but I’m petrified. I can’t play my game. I can’t communicate. I can’t write, I can’t draw. I wasn’t to ignore it but I’m so scared I want to cry

It sounds like you're worried that if you don't replay part of your game, the devil will cause you to get cancer. On the other hand, you're aware that if you start compulsively replaying your game, you'll end up stuck doing it over and over again because you won't do it "correctly" according to your OCD. You want to ignore the obsessive thoughts but you're really anxious and upset and feel unable to do anything about it. Is that about right?

[Phili]

44 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

Phili, if I understand correctly, it sounds like you're caught in some nasty spirals of obsessive-compulsive behaviors and magical thinking. 

It sounds like you're worried that if you don't replay part of your game, the devil will cause you to get cancer. On the other hand, you're aware that if you start compulsively replaying your game, you'll end up stuck doing it over and over again because you won't do it "correctly" according to your OCD. You want to ignore the obsessive thoughts but you're really anxious and upset and feel unable to do anything about it. Is that about right?

Yes! Only it doesn’t just affect my game but every single thing I do to the point I’ve become non functional and If I try and ignore it, it causes me massive fear and ups the Anty 

Edited July 13, 2022 by Phili

[Saffron37]

9 minutes ago, Phili said:

Yes! Only it doesn’t just affect my game but every single thing I do to the point I’ve become non functional and If I try and ignore it, it causes me massive fear and ups the Anty 

I'm sorry Phili, that sounds really awful. But I want to remind you that underneath the anxiety, you know what this is--it's OCD. The world is full of uncertainty, and it's really, really tempting to believe that we can affect something as scary as getting cancer by rituals we perform, "deals" we make with the universe via the OCD, etc. The problem is that while we start out seeking to exert control via the OCD, very quickly all the power is in the hands of the OCD and we end up far more helpless than we would be otherwise! That's where you are right now--that's why you feel so afraid of something that doesn't make sense. 

I understand where you're coming from very well--my OCD tends to revolve around health fears, and it was sparked when my Dad died a few years ago of lung cancer. It was such a shock and a trauma that I immediately never wanted to be surprised by anything bad, ever again--of course, that's impossible, and so the OCD began. I'm in the process now of learning to accept uncertainty and relinquish control in order to recover, and I know it's really tough. But it's the only thing we can do. For better or for worse, we cannot magically control whether or not something bad happens to ourselves or someone we care about, we just have to go through life and try our best.

Please try to calm yourself. Remind yourself of what you know underneath all your fear. Put on some gentle music, take a shower, whatever you find soothing. Best of luck.  

 

[Caramoole]

Phili......I know how difficult and scary this is for you, I wish it was different......but the thing is, you've been trying to control your anxiety with avoidance, rituals, magical thinking (and the rest) since you were a small child.  It hasn't worked and never will.  All it's done has made your world smaller and smaller and taken everything from you until your life is completely restricted in every way.  I know you have some massive problems because of your past, and the autism.....but even so, it's not insurmountable.  Difficult yes......especially because you've never learned to "want" or feel you "deserve" a better life.......but it's available to you, honestly.  I've got to know you pretty well over the years and I know you're an intelligent woman...I also know you're scared but you can still get beyond this.......if you decide to make that commitment......and that's where you struggle.  There is nothing here that can't be resolved but you have to make that decision, you have to decide that enough is enough.  There's a life out there waiting Phili......you need to find the desire to head in that direction.....if you want to.  Do you want the existence on the treadmill life currently offers .....or if you dared to dream, would you wish yourself better?  You need to find that seed of hope.  In the meantime we can offer you sympathy and understanding......but would rather offer you support to move towards a better life for you.  You could start that journey,  difficult as it is, despite all the years of problems.  This current worry/obsession is just another manifestation of the same stuff, different variation.  You need to look at the foundations that are supporting this and why your OCD/anxiety occured and became such an all-consuming problem.  I want better for you than this Phili, honestly.......I just want you to really want it too

[Phili]

On 14/07/2022 at 00:42, Saffron37 said:

I'm sorry Phili, that sounds really awful. But I want to remind you that underneath the anxiety, you know what this is--it's OCD. The world is full of uncertainty, and it's really, really tempting to believe that we can affect something as scary as getting cancer by rituals we perform, "deals" we make with the universe via the OCD, etc. The problem is that while we start out seeking to exert control via the OCD, very quickly all the power is in the hands of the OCD and we end up far more helpless than we would be otherwise! That's where you are right now--that's why you feel so afraid of something that doesn't make sense. 

I understand where you're coming from very well--my OCD tends to revolve around health fears, and it was sparked when my Dad died a few years ago of lung cancer. It was such a shock and a trauma that I immediately never wanted to be surprised by anything bad, ever again--of course, that's impossible, and so the OCD began. I'm in the process now of learning to accept uncertainty and relinquish control in order to recover, and I know it's really tough. But it's the only thing we can do. For better or for worse, we cannot magically control whether or not something bad happens to ourselves or someone we care about, we just have to go through life and try our best.

Please try to calm yourself. Remind yourself of what you know underneath all your fear. Put on some gentle music, take a shower, whatever you find soothing. Best of luck.  

 

It’s really hard because I’m religious, so it gives it even more power

 

On 14/07/2022 at 03:10, Caramoole said:

Phili......I know how difficult and scary this is for you, I wish it was different......but the thing is, you've been trying to control your anxiety with avoidance, rituals, magical thinking (and the rest) since you were a small child.  It hasn't worked and never will.  All it's done has made your world smaller and smaller and taken everything from you until your life is completely restricted in every way.  I know you have some massive problems because of your past, and the autism.....but even so, it's not insurmountable.  Difficult yes......especially because you've never learned to "want" or feel you "deserve" a better life.......but it's available to you, honestly.  I've got to know you pretty well over the years and I know you're an intelligent woman...I also know you're scared but you can still get beyond this.......if you decide to make that commitment......and that's where you struggle.  There is nothing here that can't be resolved but you have to make that decision, you have to decide that enough is enough.  There's a life out there waiting Phili......you need to find the desire to head in that direction.....if you want to.  Do you want the existence on the treadmill life currently offers .....or if you dared to dream, would you wish yourself better?  You need to find that seed of hope.  In the meantime we can offer you sympathy and understanding......but would rather offer you support to move towards a better life for you.  You could start that journey,  difficult as it is, despite all the years of problems.  This current worry/obsession is just another manifestation of the same stuff, different variation.  You need to look at the foundations that are supporting this and why your OCD/anxiety occured and became such an all-consuming problem.  I want better for you than this Phili, honestly.......I just want you to really want it too

I do but I can’t get out of the fear of rocking the status quo, it’s been so far drummed into me. I don’t understand the ‘beyond this’ if I’m truly honest. The mental health people are looking for someone qualified to help me at the moment and are saying I might end up on a waiting list