Am I a bad person?

[Plaguedbyocd]

I’ve been having awful thoughts about my family, doubting whether or not I love them and thinking about wanting things to happen to them and it’s made me feel so awful. But I also can’t get out of my head a situation I am in with the person who I think I have feelings for. But I feel like it’s terrible that I’m even thinking about that at all because it pales in comparison to these awful thoughts I’m having! Like that just shouldn’t be important right now. Am I a bad person for thinking about that too? 

[PolarBear]

You are asking for reassurance, a well known compulsion. No answer we give will release you from the anxiety you feel. Only sustained disregard of the thoughts will give you relief.

Leave the thoughts alone. Try not to get into mind debates over them.

[Plaguedbyocd]

I am looking for reassurance, but I think that’s ok. We all need reassurance sometimes. This isn’t an obsession, just a question 

[DRS1]

33 minutes ago, Plaguedbyocd said:

I am looking for reassurance, but I think that’s ok. We all need reassurance sometimes. This isn’t an obsession, just a question 

No, @PolarBear is right, you are trying to get certainty by asking for reassurance to this. It's very common to have OCD around anything moral-related. If we give you reassurance, that will only settle it for a little bit and then it'll come back again. It's okay if you have done a compulsion - you shouldn't beat yourself up for that but we strive to minimise compulsions we do. However, we can't give you that reassurance as we can't be reinforcing your OCD. It is way better when you don't do compulsions. It's the only way the uncertainty actually becomes manageable. In my experience doing the compulsions only ended up prolonging and exacerbating how bothered I would get by intrusive thoughts and images.

[northpaul]

13 hours ago, Plaguedbyocd said:

I am looking for reassurance, but I think that’s ok. We all need reassurance sometimes. This isn’t an obsession, just a question 

Try changing the word reassurance to learning.  Asking questions and learning may find you the answers you seek.

I am not a big fan of 'reassurance bashing'.  There are many different ways of learning how to deal with mental health issues.

[DRS1]

23 minutes ago, northpaul said:

Try changing the word reassurance to learning.  Asking questions and learning may find you the answers you seek.

I am not a big fan of 'reassurance bashing'.  There are many different ways of learning how to deal with mental health issues.

I didn't mean to come across as negatively as that to be interpreted as 'reassurance bashing' and if that's the way it has come across, I'm sorry about that. In hindsight I might have been too blunt with my initial if it has come across that way. Sorry

@Plaguedbyocd

I should have been a little more considerate and realised I could have answered this better without really giving you reassurance on the intrusive thoughts as such. Just because you experience horrible negative intrusive thoughts doesn't mean you then don't get to have good things happen in your life. You shouldn't condemn yourself to feeling negative all the time and not do anything that you value because of the over-responsibility you feel about intrusive thoughts. If someone was sad, does that mean they have no right to do anything that makes them happy?

Edited July 20, 2022 by DRS1
Initial response was too blunt, found a way to give a more practical reply

[Plaguedbyocd]

Don’t worry, you weren’t too blunt. Thank you for your replies

[determination987]

1 hour ago, DRS1 said:

I didn't mean to come across as negatively as that to be interpreted as 'reassurance bashing' and if that's the way it has come across, I'm sorry about that. In hindsight I might have been too blunt with my initial if it has come across that way. Sorry

@Plaguedbyocd

I should have been a little more considerate and realised I could have answered this better without really giving you reassurance on the intrusive thoughts as such. Just because you experience horrible negative intrusive thoughts doesn't mean you then don't get to have good things happen in your life. You shouldn't condemn yourself to feeling negative all the time and not do anything that you value because of the over-responsibility you feel about intrusive thoughts. If someone was sad, does that mean they have no right to do anything that makes them happy?

I think that sometimes we can’t see that we’re looking for reassurance or we do know but ask anyway. For me, I think it can be kinder to point this out as giving it only prolongs the suffering and it never helps the person asking. I used to spend hours calling people and they’d give me advice and then I’d call someone else to check if it was the same. It was never enough because OCD would find a way to pull it apart. Maybe I didn’t give them enough information, maybe they’re just trying to make me feel better or to stop me calling them etc etc. 

I struggle sometimes to not give reassurance and have to think carefully about replies because whilst I know that the person posting is desperately wanting to feel better and I know how incredibly painful it is, sometimes it’s more helpful to point it out and support me in other ways.

Ultimately, we need to trust that our thoughts are just thoughts and other people’s opinions are just their thoughts in that moment too. None of it is fact but our brain trying to keep us safe by preventing imagined catastrophes.