Issues with how my household deal with my OCD

[BelAnna]

I'm an adult but moved back with family (my parents and younger sibling) quite a few years ago now due to the severity of my OCD and I'm not able (i.e. not well enough) to live alone/independently yet. However I'm really struggling with the way that my family responds to my condition. I realise my OCD is a big burden for everyone however it's got to a point where things have descended into daily name calling, with my sibling and Dad frequently using terms like 'dick' (I'm female), 'crazy' and 'bitch' (and my father's new favourite 'moron') whenever an issue with my OCD arises. I've tried to discuss more positive ways that they could respond to my OCD but they're not really interested. 

I don't know what I'm looking for by writing this post but I know that is negatively impacting on my self-esteem and could really do with some support  .

[DRS1]

11 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

I'm an adult but moved back with family (my parents and younger sibling) quite a few years ago now due to the severity of my OCD and I'm not able (i.e. not well enough) to live alone/independently yet. However I'm really struggling with the way that my family responds to my condition. I realise my OCD is a big burden for everyone however it's got to a point where things have descended into daily name calling, with my sibling and Dad frequently using terms like 'dick' (I'm female), 'crazy' and 'bitch' (and my father's new favourite 'moron') whenever an issue with my OCD arises. I've tried to discuss more positive ways that they could respond to my OCD but they're not really interested. 

I don't know what I'm looking for by writing this post but I know that is negatively impacting on my self-esteem and could really do with some support  .

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. No matter the burden that OCD may have on a family, there is absolutely no need for what I really feel is mental bullying by your family members. Quite commonly, a lot of families generally don't understand OCD but it's not fair that you are being called these names for struggling with a very misunderstood and debilitating condition. I don't know what you can do to be honest. Are there specific things relating to your compulsions that are things they are noticing when they say these things? It doesn't matter if they are or not, they are still being horrible but I wonder if it's something that has a pattern to it from their side?

[gloomwood]

Do you happen to have a Care Team? If you are assigned to someone like that would it be worth mentioning it to them, as I know sometimes they're able to do some work with family members as well as yourself to maybe try and get them to understand what they're doing to you.

[Angst]

One of the problems of your nomadic life is that it is difficult to establish a care team especially if you are moving from one local authority to another. Also the life style is disruptive and might aggravate OCD. It is partially a matter of money. Your choice of alternative accommodation is limited by your income unless you can receive social housing. And to get social housing, it is easier to get if you are permanently located within a local authority area. A goal might be to move to socially supported housing. Often things are improved by a move. Incidentally, have your family put in an offer on a property? 

Edited July 20, 2022 by Angst

[BelAnna]

On 20/07/2022 at 17:29, DRS1 said:

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. No matter the burden that OCD may have on a family, there is absolutely no need for what I really feel is mental bullying by your family members. Quite commonly, a lot of families generally don't understand OCD but it's not fair that you are being called these names for struggling with a very misunderstood and debilitating condition. I don't know what you can do to be honest. Are there specific things relating to your compulsions that are things they are noticing when they say these things? It doesn't matter if they are or not, they are still being horrible but I wonder if it's something that has a pattern to it from their side?

Hi DRS1, 

Yes, usually when my contamination OCD is triggered and I ask them what they've handled/touched or ask them to wash their hands or something. I realise that this isn't normal but I still think there are better ways to respond to my OCD! 

On 20/07/2022 at 18:05, gloomwood said:

Do you happen to have a Care Team? If you are assigned to someone like that would it be worth mentioning it to them, as I know sometimes they're able to do some work with family members as well as yourself to maybe try and get them to understand what they're doing to you.

Hi Gloomwood,

I don't actually at the moment but thanks I will ask my GP for a referral to the local CMHT.

On 20/07/2022 at 19:42, Angst said:

One of the problems of your nomadic life is that it is difficult to establish a care team especially if you are moving from one local authority to another. Also the life style is disruptive and might aggravate OCD. It is partially a matter of money. Your choice of alternative accommodation is limited by your income unless you can receive social housing. And to get social housing, it is easier to get if you are permanently located within a local authority area. A goal might be to move to socially supported housing. Often things are improved by a move. Incidentally, have your family put in an offer on a property? 

Thank you Angst. Yes, I'm limited by quite a few factors (including my OCD as I cannot engage in normal activities such as taking the bins out or cooking, as well as financial and social anxiety related issues) so really cannot move out at the moment. My family can be great in other ways but I really think they need to conceptualise OCD as a separate entity rather than part of my personality and to find more constructive ways of responding to it. Obviously I also need to put the work in with CBT so that mine and their lives are less affected by it.

[DRS1]

41 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

Hi DRS1, 

Yes, usually when my contamination OCD is triggered and I ask them what they've handled/touched or ask them to wash their hands or something. I realise that this isn't normal but I still think there are better ways to respond to my OCD! 

Hi Gloomwood,

I don't actually at the moment but thanks I will ask my GP for a referral to the local CMHT.

Thank you Angst. Yes, I'm limited by quite a few factors (including my OCD as I cannot engage in normal activities such as taking the bins out or cooking, as well as financial and social anxiety related issues) so really cannot move out at the moment. My family can be great in other ways but I really think they need to conceptualise OCD as a separate entity rather than part of my personality and to find more constructive ways of responding to it. Obviously I also need to put the work in with CBT so that mine and their lives are less affected by it.

Yeah, there are definitely better ways for them to respond. It may be frustrating for them and maybe they don't want to be involved in accommodating compulsions but regardless it's not appropriate that they call you names or attack you for these things. I think they need to separate OCD but I think you do as well and that can be super helpful to see OCD as: You are BelAnna a person, and you also have OCD rather than | You are BelAnna and you are OCD. Getting to that point allows you to externalise OCD almost as a separate entity or a random person on the street and then it becomes substantially easier to navigate whether or not you think it is credible to listen to OCD.

 

I agree with @gloomwood too on getting access to a care team. A lot of CMHT's might allow you to involve your family in the sessions, even dedicate an entire session to describing OCD to them and just how debilitating it is for you. That might be enough for someone external to you with OCD being able to tell them how it really is to get their behaviour to change but I'd argue the way they are currently approaching it is is massively negatively impacting your progress with OCD.

[Angst]

Hi Belanna

It would be good if you were attached to a CMHT. Would this be feasible in your current situation?

You sound quite handicapped. But carers and support agencies can deal with shopping, financial help, liaise with landlords. Moving with social anxiety can be difficult as you need to visit properties, sign contracts and arrange finance. 
 

We both are suffering OCD entrapment!

[Lynz]

I'm so sorry to hear this, BelAnna, that really sucks. I understand that OCD can be incredibly frustrating for our loved ones to have to deal with but there is no excuse for calling the person who has the OCD hurtful names. My husband sometimes gets frustrated with me and he will say things like "oh for Christ's sake!", but he would never call me names or attack me personally.

I agree with the advice about a care team as they should be able to help. If this behaviour from your family is a new development I'm wondering if the stress of all the moving has triggered it, which would hopefully subside a little bit when you get more permanently settled. Without wanting to pry too much, is there any way you could settle into a more permanent accommodation rather than moving between Air BnBs all the time? Obviously I don't know your situation but I can imagine that the stressful living situation that you have isn't helping things.

You are right also in that you need to be engaging with your CBT work to try and overcome your OCD which will make things easier for everyone, but most importantly make life easier for yourself. I know you've just moved but do you have a therapist, or are you just applying CBT skills that you've previously learnt in therapy?

[BelAnna]

On 22/07/2022 at 00:08, DRS1 said:

Yeah, there are definitely better ways for them to respond. It may be frustrating for them and maybe they don't want to be involved in accommodating compulsions but regardless it's not appropriate that they call you names or attack you for these things. I think they need to separate OCD but I think you do as well and that can be super helpful to see OCD as: You are BelAnna a person, and you also have OCD rather than | You are BelAnna and you are OCD. Getting to that point allows you to externalise OCD almost as a separate entity or a random person on the street and then it becomes substantially easier to navigate whether or not you think it is credible to listen to OCD.

 

I agree with @gloomwood too on getting access to a care team. A lot of CMHT's might allow you to involve your family in the sessions, even dedicate an entire session to describing OCD to them and just how debilitating it is for you. That might be enough for someone external to you with OCD being able to tell them how it really is to get their behaviour to change but I'd argue the way they are currently approaching it is is massively negatively impacting your progress with OCD.

Thanks DRS1. Yes, you're totally right- I need to work on externalising my OCD. Have you found doing so helpful?

I was actually under a CMHT before we moved last year but I do struggle to attend appointments in person and to be honest I'm quite worried about getting family involved in my therapy as I can imagine things becoming more complicated and the arguments increasing if they are involved. I'm having private online therapy just now and my therapist has suggested family involvement but I have been quite reluctant to involve them. 

On 22/07/2022 at 08:24, Angst said:

Hi Belanna

It would be good if you were attached to a CMHT. Would this be feasible in your current situation?

You sound quite handicapped. But carers and support agencies can deal with shopping, financial help, liaise with landlords. Moving with social anxiety can be difficult as you need to visit properties, sign contracts and arrange finance. 
 

We both are suffering OCD entrapment!

Thanks Angst. I am quite disabled by my OCD and you're right that I would struggle to move out without assistance. I am hoping to get better over the next year so that I can consider moving out in a year or two but I have realised after staying in a flat for the last few weeks that I could not manage in an apartment and I think it's unlikely that I would receive enough Universal credit housing allowance to enable me to rent a small house. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation too- has there been any progress re. your co-freeholders signing the documents to enable you to move? 

 

On 22/07/2022 at 09:37, Lynz said:

I'm so sorry to hear this, BelAnna, that really sucks. I understand that OCD can be incredibly frustrating for our loved ones to have to deal with but there is no excuse for calling the person who has the OCD hurtful names. My husband sometimes gets frustrated with me and he will say things like "oh for Christ's sake!", but he would never call me names or attack me personally.

I agree with the advice about a care team as they should be able to help. If this behaviour from your family is a new development I'm wondering if the stress of all the moving has triggered it, which would hopefully subside a little bit when you get more permanently settled. Without wanting to pry too much, is there any way you could settle into a more permanent accommodation rather than moving between Air BnBs all the time? Obviously I don't know your situation but I can imagine that the stressful living situation that you have isn't helping things.

You are right also in that you need to be engaging with your CBT work to try and overcome your OCD which will make things easier for everyone, but most importantly make life easier for yourself. I know you've just moved but do you have a therapist, or are you just applying CBT skills that you've previously learnt in therapy?

Thanks Lynz . I'm a similar age to you and your situation sounds so nice and normal! I could cope with the occasional 'for Christ's sake'! 

The stress of moving has definitely negatively affected everyone and been incredibly stressful so hopefully once we're more settled (by the end of the summer), things might improve. 

I am having private CBT online at the moment but the background stress of moving etc. is definitely affecting my progress in therapy quite a lot. 

Hope you're getting on okay just now!

 

[DRS1]

5 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

Thanks DRS1. Yes, you're totally right- I need to work on externalising my OCD. Have you found doing so helpful?

I was actually under a CMHT before we moved last year but I do struggle to attend appointments in person and to be honest I'm quite worried about getting family involved in my therapy as I can imagine things becoming more complicated and the arguments increasing if they are involved. I'm having private online therapy just now and my therapist has suggested family involvement but I have been quite reluctant to involve them. 

Thanks Angst. I am quite disabled by my OCD and you're right that I would struggle to move out without assistance. I am hoping to get better over the next year so that I can consider moving out in a year or two but I have realised after staying in a flat for the last few weeks that I could not manage in an apartment and I think it's unlikely that I would receive enough Universal credit housing allowance to enable me to rent a small house. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation too- has there been any progress re. your co-freeholders signing the documents to enable you to move? 

 

Thanks Lynz . I'm a similar age to you and your situation sounds so nice and normal! I could cope with the occasional 'for Christ's sake'! 

The stress of moving has definitely negatively affected everyone and been incredibly stressful so hopefully once we're more settled (by the end of the summer), things might improve. 

I am having private CBT online at the moment but the background stress of moving etc. is definitely affecting my progress in therapy quite a lot. 

Hope you're getting on okay just now!

 

I understand how you feel about that. My therapist suggested having a session with family members but for me I realised it wasn't going to really change things all that much, so I opted against it... although it was a lack of being able to understand OCD for them, not calling me names. Yeah externalising OCD has been massive for me.

[Angst]

Hi Belanna

Hope things will settle down in a month’s time.

I am on tenterhooks regarding the signing of the forms!

[BelAnna]

17 hours ago, Angst said:

Hi Belanna

Hope things will settle down in a month’s time.

I am on tenterhooks regarding the signing of the forms!

Thanks Angst, I'm having a difficult day again today. I hope the forms get signed really soon- it must be so frustrating! 

 

22 hours ago, DRS1 said:

I understand how you feel about that. My therapist suggested having a session with family members but for me I realised it wasn't going to really change things all that much, so I opted against it... although it was a lack of being able to understand OCD for them, not calling me names. Yeah externalising OCD has been massive for me.

Yeah it's tricky when you know that things will only get worse if you involve your family. Do you have a name (other than 'OCD') for your OCD or do you just keep relabelling your thoughts as 'OCD'? 

[DRS1]

5 hours ago, BelAnna said:

Thanks Angst, I'm having a difficult day again today. I hope the forms get signed really soon- it must be so frustrating! 

 

Yeah it's tricky when you know that things will only get worse if you involve your family. Do you have a name (other than 'OCD') for your OCD or do you just keep relabelling your thoughts as 'OCD'? 

I try not to relabel things as I think you can end up getting stuck with that. There is a difference though. If you relabel and say the very almost classic line of "It's not me, it's my OCD" every time you have an intrusive thought or image or sensation, then your attempting to in some way neutralise that obsession which is just a compulsion that's going to prolong how much those obsessions bother you. If you treat it a bit like it's an odd kind of weird idiot and say "oh, there it goes it again" occasionally that might be okay. I haven't really named it anything, although I have thought many a time about calling it names such that I cannot say on the forum for obvious reasons  but it's honestly something you don't have to do.

 

Once you know how to deal with OCD properly, you end up just focusing on doing that. Like I'll sometimes do a compulsion pre-emptively then realise oh, okay, I see what you are trying to avoid there and then bring the image or thought back up and force myself back into it without the compulsion and I don't try to label it as a specific thing for OCD, it's just something I need to do to respond to the intrusive thoughts and images differently.

[Caramoole]

I can understand how your family's frustration has arisen but this form of bullying behaviour is unacceptable, possibly even illegal (it would be in a relationship)  That said, they have you over a barrel because they can say, "If you don't like it, move out....live in your own place.  It's a very difficult situation and I would definitely challenge them when they do this, particularly your Dad.  Calmly but firmly call him out and ask him if he thinks this name calling is acceptable, if he'd treat a neighbourcor work collegue in this way.  Your best tool is to determine to up the goals and get better and you are going to have to push the boundaries  to do this.  This has been going on for a .ong time and it's often easier to live with the restrictions than truly up the game and face the fears......something you'll have to change.  OCD remains if we continue to capitulate and give in to fear........there is no basis to the fears, other than the "fear of" itself.  As long as you run, as long as you avoid.......it will remain.  It will take away your power.....by default, it gives power and control to those around you who are also frustrated by the restrictions it imposes on all of you.  If you want a good example of how OCD can paralyse and completely disrupt a life with extreme, debilitating fear and anxiety look at @taurean (Roy) but also look to him to see how, when faced........that fear, those restrictions can fall away.

It's time to make that decision that OCD/phobias/anxiety are not going to take any more of your life away from you and leave you in the position you are today, beholden to others because you're too afraid or unable to take any other course of action.  You can do this......and although not easy, it's actually easier than you fear.  Don't wait for a right time.....make that decision today.  Nothing is harder than the situation you currently find yourself in

[Angst]

Hi Belanna

People with mental health problems do get bullied. The evidence is in black and write.  Personally I was set up to be bullied by my childhood experiences. I am being abused now in things associated with my house move. The latest is a silly bill for moving costs.

But I would think carefully over Caramoole’s advice. First of all is the base of the bullying a power play over ‘if you don’t like it, move’? Or is there a context over stress over your family’s nomadic lifestyle which will end soon. I think you probably do contest the name calling. Could your Mum play a more significant role? You say at the end of the summer you will have a permanent home.

I would agree with Caramoole in taking your life back. But is a question of timing. Context matters. The context with change in a month’s time when you will be in a permanent home able to implement more easily a course of independence. Caramoole says do it now. I say it will be easier in a stable environment perhaps with help through a CMHT. It’s your decision.

But as others have said at the moment your context is difficult. Do what you can now.

As I have said and others as well over the past nine months you have been doing well. So don’t feel bad.

Edited July 25, 2022 by Angst

[Lynz]

I agree with others I think the time has come for you to face your fears head on and work towards being able to move out and live independently. I wouldn't say that was an insurmountable goal as you wouldn't need to be completely OCD free before you did this, just managing it enough to be able to move out and live alone, and then you can continue to work on your OCD.

Personally I would rather live alone and be struggling due to my OCD rather than live with family members who bully me in this way. But I know that's easier for me to say as I've lived with my partner/now husband in various different places, from student halls to apartments and houses since I was 20 years old, and I'm now 33. However you can absolutely do it, BelAnna. You might need a lot of support especially initially from your CMHT but anything is better than your situation now. I'm just really upset for you because you say you have to live with your family as you're not able to live on your own due to your OCD and you need their support, but they're absolutely not supporting you are they? 

[BelAnna]

Hm.. this is happening again. I feel like such a nearly middle-age teenager (30s) to be complaining about and living with my family but today because I asked a family member to wear gloves they called me a 'b*' and the 'c' word in quick succession (I hadn't done anything wrong). I come from a 'nice', middle class, educated family and they're all under a lot of stress in addition to my OCD but I feel very alone today.

Edited October 15, 2023 by BelAnna

[Heartly]

Oh sorry to hear this, has it got better than it was last year ? Your ocd that is.. 

I'm sorry your family are still calling you names.

[Angst]

Hi BA

It is difficult to comment as an outsider as I don’t know the context. For example why did you ask your family member to wear gloves? Is this a regular thing? What was the frame of mind of the family member? How did you respond? Did you name call in response? How are things in general? It is a pity that family therapy has not been employed in your case. Your illness and finance makes things difficult. But I assume your family’s nomadic life has ended. As Caramoole mentioned over a year ago, you need to take control of your life. What therapy is in place? Can things be that bad if you continue living with your family? What are the alternatives?