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Hi all, so I just wondered if anyone can relate to any of this, or tell me if it could fit the framework of an obsession.

So I started off thinking I'm a bad person, because of certain thoughts I kept having (harming strangers for no reason) which then sent me into analysing situations from my past where I felt like I could say it's proof I'm a horrible person. Then I became hyper aware of every interaction I had with people thinking "did I say that nicely? Did I sound horrible?".

I recently went away for a week and suddenly felt the need to test myself to see if I can do bad things, or if I'm actually good. I got it into my head I had to shoplift, that would be a good test. The thing is, every time I walked into a shop I instantly felt that the shopkeeper could read my mind and knew what I was trying to do...so I had to try and put in "blocking" thoughts to distract them.

Anyway, I didn't shoplift. I never have and I'd never want to because I know I'd feel endlessly guilty, but even though I didn't do it I couldn't decide if it's because I'm a good person or I'm just a chicken.

Are these obsessions? Compulsions?

Edited by gloomwood
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1 minute ago, gloomwood said:

Hi all, so I just wondered if anyone can relate to any if this, or tell me if it could fit the framework of an obsession.

So I started off thinking I'm a bad person, because of certain thoughts I kept having (harming strangers for no reason) which then sent me into analysing situations from my past where I felt like I could say it's proof I'm a horrible person. Then I became hyper aware of every interaction I had with people thinking "did I say that nicely? Did I sound horrible?".

I recently went away for a week and suddenly felt the need to test myself to see if I can do bad things, or if I'm actually good. I got it into my head I had to shoplift, that would be a good test. The thing is, every time I walked into a shop I instantly felt that the shopkeeper could rise my mind and knew what I was trying to do...so I had to try and put in "blocking" thoughts to distract them.

Anyway, I didn't shoplift. I never have and I'd never want to because I know I'd feel endlessly guilty, but even though I didn't do it I couldn't decode if it's because I'm a good person or I'm just a chicken.

Are these obsessions? Compulsions?

Hmm, this is one I've never really thought about in terms of that definition of "testing". In some ways you could almost look at it as an exposure. You go to the shops under the intrusive thought that you are going to do something morally irresponsible like shoplift. Instead of then avoiding the shop, you went to the shop where that very thing could be a possibility and nothing happened. However, you did the compulsions of trying to block the thoughts when you didn't need to. The compulsion was never going make you shop lift or prevent you from shoplifting, that came down to your values. You don't value morally irresponsible actions like shoplifting. Even if you tested yourself you wouldn't do it. It's why values are so important to lead through situations with. The next time you go into a shop, go in with the attitude of "maybe I will shoplift, maybe I won't who knows" and allow that uncertainty to be there as you go shopping because in that moment what you value is shopping not whether or not OCD is going to make you panic over whether you might shoplift. OCD is an annoying little nuisance and craves all your attention but you don't have to give it any of your time.

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53 minutes ago, gloomwood said:

I recently went away for a week and suddenly felt the need to test myself to see if I can do bad things, or if I'm actually good. I got it into my head I had to shoplift, that would be a good test. The thing is, every time I walked into a shop I instantly felt that the shopkeeper could read my mind and knew what I was trying to do...so I had to try and put in "blocking" thoughts to distract them.

Instead of thinking how to block the bad thoughts and thinking about how to test yourself, how about this:

What good thing could you do? - maybe go out to do something helpful for someone.  I have found that helps me alot to divert my attention away from the negative thinking.  I then have no need to block out the bad thoughts because my mind has become fixated on something positive and benificial.

Old wise saying - if you go looking for trouble, you will find it.

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3 hours ago, DRS1 said:

Hmm, this is one I've never really thought about in terms of that definition of "testing". In some ways you could almost look at it as an exposure. You go to the shops under the intrusive thought that you are going to do something morally irresponsible like shoplift. Instead of then avoiding the shop, you went to the shop where that very thing could be a possibility and nothing happened. However, you did the compulsions of trying to block the thoughts when you didn't need to. The compulsion was never going make you shop lift or prevent you from shoplifting, that came down to your values. You don't value morally irresponsible actions like shoplifting. Even if you tested yourself you wouldn't do it. It's why values are so important to lead through situations with. The next time you go into a shop, go in with the attitude of "maybe I will shoplift, maybe I won't who knows" and allow that uncertainty to be there as you go shopping because in that moment what you value is shopping not whether or not OCD is going to make you panic over whether you might shoplift. OCD is an annoying little nuisance and craves all your attention but you don't have to give it any of your time.

Thank you so much for your response and taking the time to offer advice. I'm going to go shopping tomorrow and I'll have have chance to try this out; I'll try and keep the "whatever happens hapoens" mentality in mind before I go into the shop and see how I go. It just totally ruins my experience when it takes over.

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2 hours ago, northpaul said:

Instead of thinking how to block the bad thoughts and thinking about how to test yourself, how about this:

What good thing could you do? - maybe go out to do something helpful for someone.  I have found that helps me alot to divert my attention away from the negative thinking.  I then have no need to block out the bad thoughts because my mind has become fixated on something positive and benificial.

Old wise saying - if you go looking for trouble, you will find it.

Thank you, you're definitely right. Sometimes I do feel like I'm fixating too much on the obsessions and giving it too much time, I need to strengthen my diversion skills when it comes to what I focus on!

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People cannot read thoughts as such but people emit ‘tells’ to use a term from poker. Their non verbal behaviour reveals things. So the shopkeeper in response might or might not have reviewed your behaviour as suspicious

. Do you mean by ‘blocking thoughts’ - thoughts transmitted to the shopkeeper so he could not read your base thoughts? I wonder if this belief might be more about your other diagnosis.

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56 minutes ago, Angst said:

People cannot read thoughts as such but people emit ‘tells’ to use a term from poker. Their non verbal behaviour reveals things. So the shopkeeper in response might or might not have reviewed your behaviour as suspicious

. Do you mean by ‘blocking thoughts’ - thoughts transmitted to the shopkeeper so he could not read your base thoughts? I wonder if this belief might be more about your other diagnosis.

It wasn't that I was "sending" thoughts to the shopkeeper, more that I was replacing them in my head in case they could read them. Sounds similiar but it feels different to me. Maybe my bipolar does have an effect, it doesn't always feel easy to drawn divisive lines between that and OCD.

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Yeah blocking as a defence. To cover your thoughts. I personally think that this does not work.
 

 I think that we ‘read minds’ or what people are thinking from their behaviour including things like their tone of voice, gestures, facial expressions, pitch of voice, words they stress and so on. Whether there is laughter or sadness in their voice.
 

We interpret the feelings and intentions of a character the same we we interpret the performance of a mine artist or how an actor performs.

We all are in sense unscripted actors putting on a performance. Sometimes intentionally sometimes quite naturally.

We deceive or tell the truth by what we say and how we behave.
 

I don’t human beings can read minds directly. Though some people think that some can.

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