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I’ve had a major set back. Yesterday I went through a compulsion and re-confessed some things to my wife and left myself in a black hole. She stopped me before I got to the “what if” and disaster scenarios, which was probably right, but I can’t get them out of my head.

I did some things about 15 years ago that I’m not pleased about. On paper they might not seem too bad, but to me they are, and had the situations presented themselves differently, I could have done something much worse. Now I can’t convince myself that I wouldn’t have acted this way.

I know I’m not supposed to engage with the thoughts but I can no more do this than I can stop breathing. I know I’m supposed to accept the uncertainty, and that it could have acted this way, but in this situation I feel I need to give up on my wife and family. I know I should go and be active, but I can’t even get out of bed.

 Any advice, please, I don’t know what to do 

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Hi OB1UK,

It might be helpful to look at this problem as if it was a friend's dilemma. What would you suggest they do in this situation? Do you think you are treating yourself which much harsher standards then you would suggest a friend did?

At the moment it sounds like you are worried about the fact that you 'could' have acted in a different way. Why do feel thinking this over and over is going to help? Do you have evidence that thinking it over helps at all? 

My advice is to take things in small chunks. Practice for a half hour, not engaging with these thoughts, enjoying family time. Try this over a few days, allowing yourself other time to ruminate if you want to. Then after a few days extend it to 45 minutes and so on. Giving up thinking about all the thoughts at once may just be a little out of reach right now, but you can get there.

Gemma :)

 

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1 hour ago, OB1UK said:

I did some things about 15 years ago that I’m not pleased about. On paper they might not seem too bad, but to me they are

Who hasn't :)  But I think this is the significant part, you say to you they are bad, but actually I think it's OCD that's telling you that, so your first inclination that they may not seem too bad is the reality of the situation, and as I say, who hasn't done something they regret.

1 hour ago, OB1UK said:

but in this situation I feel I need to give up on my wife and family.

The thing is, if you do that, OCD will still be there on the same subjects and maybe on new subjects too. So I understand why you might think that is the best option, but it really isn't an option.

In this situation, try not to beat yourself up about the things you're meant to do (you mentioned a few), and go back to basics, pick up ine of the better self-help books, read through, refresh your memory on how OCD works and basics things to do.   David Veale's new OCD book (overcoming) well worth a read.

Stay strong :)

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9 hours ago, OB1UK said:

I’ve had a major set back. Yesterday I went through a compulsion and re-confessed some things to my wife and left myself in a black hole. She stopped me before I got to the “what if” and disaster scenarios, which was probably right, but I can’t get them out of my head.

I did some things about 15 years ago that I’m not pleased about. On paper they might not seem too bad, but to me they are, and had the situations presented themselves differently, I could have done something much worse. Now I can’t convince myself that I wouldn’t have acted this way.

I know I’m not supposed to engage with the thoughts but I can no more do this than I can stop breathing. I know I’m supposed to accept the uncertainty, and that it could have acted this way, but in this situation I feel I need to give up on my wife and family. I know I should go and be active, but I can’t even get out of bed.

 Any advice, please, I don’t know what to do 

I don't know enough about how OCD works when someone feels guilty about a past event and feels the need to confess. So any help on understanding would help me.

I know all of us have done something we probably feel some guilt over, but most of us feel the guilt, learn from our mistakes and make sure we don't repeat it. I mean we don't forget the event, but just see it as a life experience and personal development.

No one ever gets everything right, but we do learn from our mistakes. That's the important part.

Does it help in any way, if you forgive yourself? It seems to be something you need to reconcile in your own mind without possibly upsetting your wife.

 

 

 

Edited by howard
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Thanks Howard. The trying to sort things out in my mind is part of the compulsion. I think and think and think to try and find a why to relieve the guilt but it just reinforces the problem and creates a panic. 
what I think I’m supposed to do is stop the ruminating and gradually increase the time in between rumination until eventually it goes away…but it’s hard

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16 minutes ago, OB1UK said:

Thanks Howard. The trying to sort things out in my mind is part of the compulsion. I think and think and think to try and find a why to relieve the guilt but it just reinforces the problem and creates a panic. 
what I think I’m supposed to do is stop the ruminating and gradually increase the time in between rumination until eventually it goes away…but it’s hard

I wouldn't worry too much about 'what you're supposed to do', it's about what works for you.

I'm still thinking about why these events take hold, and I'm starting to think there must some emotion attached to them, and also in true OCD style we exaggerate their importance.

I have a problem connecting with my emotions, my overthinking mind is doing just that.

One way of connecting with your emotions is to sit quietly and just allow yourself to feel them. Keep switching if your mind starts and focus on your body. Actually those breathing techniques, and like with meditation, just focus on your breathing. Slow and deep, it also relieves anxiety.

It can help, but you'll find your own technique.

Sometimes I don't even know why I'm feeling down, but after half an hour of sitting quietly and allowing myself to feel the emotion, it's like a weight has been lifted and I feel better.

As your event happened a long time ago you may need to work at feeling the emotions, and then forgive yourself.

 

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