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I did it again - not feeling great


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Hello everyone, 

Firstly, I want to start by thanking @Saffron37, @discuccsant, @snowbear and @Caramoole for helping me and offering my advice and support on my last thread. And I would also like to apologise for being absent and not replying. 

I'm back with quite a lot of anxiety. I did another stupid thing and I just feel completely awful at the moment. I've had quite a few challenging weeks and it has not been getting any easier (not even a little bit) and having this on top makes it all more difficult. 

Okay, so the problem is the following. Two nights ago I had a sexual dream about my male colleague at work. He is a few years younger than me, a tall and attractive fella. Yesterday at work I started noticing and focusing on little details, such as his smile, the colour of his eyes, the way he spoke to me and small gestures directed to me that I found sweet. That made me think that he has a crush on me or that he likes me. He obviously doesn't as he's in a happy relationship. Moreover, it made me think that I like him and would love to know what it is like to be in a relationship with him. My shift is not so long, only 6 hours, and I spent 4 hours from a total 6 obsessing about him liking me and me liking him. I even forgot to text my boyfriend, which is a thing I always do, around 8pm, to make sure he's up in time for work - and I completely forgot about him.

At one point, the same colleague was standing very close to me and even though I tried to move a few steps away from him, I don't exactly remember if I actually did that. But I do remember that I kind of enjoyed him being so close to me. And this morning, it felt like if he or anyone else that I like that is not my boyfriend would make a move (touch me or kiss me) I would let it happen and go with it. Which makes me think that I could cheat so easily and shouldn't be in a relationship. 

Once again, all I want to do is to tell my boyfriend what happened. But how can I? I've already been selfish and cruel enough by confessing to him a few days ago about how I found the new manager really attractive and felt some sort of satisfaction when making eye contact with him a few times. And even worse, I feel like I want to break up with him. I'm supposed to be happy instead of this sad, pathetic and useless creature that I am right now as it's his birthday in a few days. What a greater gift than a confession about how you find so many other men attractive and how you'd enjoy a relationship with them, right? I'm not going to confess but this is killing me. I feel like a piece of ****. 

What is your advice? Do you think there is something really wrong with me and maybe it would be better if I weren't in a relationship? I know it's probably stupid to ask this but I cannot sit with this anxiety and pretend like something this big isn't happening. 

Thank you for reading this. 

Edited by Cora
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I want to add that even when I was talking with my boyfriend last night, I was still thinking about the colleague, who was standing not that far away from us. 

Also, when I say obsessing, I probably mean fantasising. I wish I had stopped. I could have stopped. And I should have stopped. But I didn't. 

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Same old, same old. All of your obsessions have a common root; that you've done something that makes you feel bad about yourself. It's common with every single obsession you've had.

And you react every time in a pedictable way. You ruminate constantly over it. Then you come here, confess, tell us what a rotten person you are and ask us if we agree. Same old, same old.

You think this is new, different. But it's not. The exact thoughts might vary, but how you react is precisely the same.

Given that and based on all the advice you've received, what do you think you should do?

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8 hours ago, northpaul said:

It all sounds like normal interpersonal relationships that millions of people have experienced.  I would just get on with normal daily life.

Thank you, @northpaul.

6 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Given that and based on all the advice you've received, what do you think you should do?

Do I accept this as another OCD "incident", avoid dwelling on it, avoid ruminating and going over every little detail from that evening, and just move on? I'm not sure, @PolarBear.

I just saw my boyfriend and he was so happy and said I was awesome. Imagine how I felt in that moment. Even though I haven't actually cheated, it does feel like it. I feel horrible. 

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@PolarBear, from a non-OCD perspective, don't I sound like an awful human being? This is not the first time such a thing has happened and from the looks of it, it will most definitely happen again, unfortunately. Isn't it disgusting to become so obsessed about someone when you're in a happy relationship? Isn't it disgusting to feel like you constantly want someone else and then see your partner, hug and kiss them, and pretend that what you had thought and felt a few minutes before that doesn't matter? I can't help but feel like there is truly something fundamentally wrong with me. I have an amazing boyfriend and we're in great relationship, yet I do these things. 

Edited by Cora
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1 hour ago, Cora said:

from a non-OCD perspective, don't I sound like an awful human being?

Are you asking for reassurance that you're not an awful human being? Or confirmation that you are?

Eithefr way, can you not see that the question itself is entirely the result of OCD thinking?

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Cora, go back and read my post, several posts ago. 

This all comes from a core belief where you think you are a terrible person. Hundreds of obsessions that told you that you abused your brother. Then a dog. Then some other kid. Now cheating on your boyfriend. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME!!!!

And you keep reacting exactly the same way. You wonder why this keeps happening. It is because you react the same way.

You come here and confess. You tell us what a vile, disgusting perdon you are. You challenge us to agree. When we don't, you explain it again, expecting us to agree. We never do. Not once, in all these years, have we agreed you are disgusting or that you did anything wrong.

I know why you do this. Your mind, by way of obsessions, is constantly telling you that you are a bad person. If we agree with that, at least it confirms what your mind has been screaming at you for years.

We aren't going to agree because we know better. We know that all those thoughts you are assaulted with, including this current one, are all OCD lies. Every one of them. 

You never abused your brother or any other child. You never abused a dog. And you aren't now cheating on your boyfriend.

All you need to do to start getting past this is to change the way you react to the thoughts. Call their bluff. Don't just believe them because that's what you did yesterday. Change.

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8 hours ago, Cora said:

from a non-OCD perspective, don't I sound like an awful human being?

If you look at your original post in this thread which is essentially about everyday human behaviour and is not OCD then why are you posting it on an OCD forum?

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