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I don’t know how much more I can handle


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So I have always had OCD. But when I had my daughter it turned to being about her. Wondering if I wiped her inappropriately and things like that. I was also worried about getting Groinal responses around her. I never really did until I was holding her while she was laying on me sleeping. Sweet tiny little baby. And mind mind was in over drive not to get a Groinal response. I didn’t feel any attraction just terrified of getting a “feeling” . Well then I got an intrusive thought like”just get a feeling” and I got a Groinal response! I was horrified. It did not feel pleasurable just an awareness. Well then I thought I did it on purpose. I felt so guilty like I did something sexual to my baby. I ended up being committed for a week because I couldn’t handle that thought. Eventually I realized was the ugly ocd and was fine. Well 11 years later and  that time comes in my head and I’m obsessed and guilty all over really depressed as if I’ve done something for getting a feeling. I don’t know if I let myself get the feeling or not! 

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STOP trying to figure it out. That's what OCD wants. It has sucked you back in and wants you to endlessly ruminate without finding an answer.

Leave it alone. Completely. Refuse to get into mind debates over this... such debates will lead nowhere.

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2 hours ago, Norma42 said:

I can’t get out of my head I did something sexual toward my baby. I had completely let this go and here it is destroying me!!!

@PolarBear is right. The more you keep going over this and trying to figure out if you did or didn't, the worse this gets. Trying not to think of something won't stop you thinking of it, if anything it focuses more attention on it. The groinal responses you experienced were just responses you didn't have control.over but by worrying about them happening, you focus your attention on that area and the result is you get the unwanted groinal response.

 

In what you are dealing with now, it's about how you want to respond to it. A groinal response means nothing and you don't have to do anything about it. A thought about whether you might or might not have done something doesn't mean anything but you allow it to mean something by giving so much attention to that thought.

 

Have a think about it from someone else's perspective that has OCD and has the exact same thought and groinal response. Do you think it is justified for them to live their life ridden with guilt because of something that was a thought and a groinal response that they had no control over experiencing? If you think it isn't justified, why can't that be applied to you, why is it different for you?

 

OCD likes to play this game of you are the only one that actually needs to worry about it even if others have OCD and deal with the same thing but it's still OCD at play.

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I had OCD my whole life, but this theme is the worst one. The one where you fear you might do harm to your beloved child as a new parent. And it's unbearable if you are stuck in it. But you are not alone in this, and that's why I and others know how you feel: It's a very common theme. You are not something special in regard to other parents with OCD or something like that. No. New parents with OCD have this theme like 99% of their time. Just give the forum a look. 

And as DRS1 pointed, rightfully, out: Would other parents without OCD react the same as we do to stuff like these? Nope. 100% not. Our distorted view just make things much worse, then they in reality are. We attach meaning to something, which was meaningless in itself.

Stop trying to figure out what happened and start interpreting these kinds of stuff for what they really are: Nothing, you should give a second thought about. Why? Because every single human being experiences things like these. They are just not controlled by their OCD and thus are not over-catastrophizing every single thing in their life, that is happening. That's the only difference between them and us. They wouldn't even notice it actively, because it's so irrelevant. You being hyperaware notice everything though. But even if they would notice or be aware of it actively, they would shrug it off with ease. Why? Because it's meaningless. It's nothing. And you need to get back to that, because I'm pretty sure before OCD attacked you on this, you would also have been able to shrug this particular event you talk about easily off. By ruminating over it, though, you implicitly accept the interpretation of this being a very bad thing, which would make you a bad human. And you shouldn't do that. 

Can you try re-interpreting the "event" in itself as something completely meaningless? Because by doing this, you won't need to ruminate over what exactly happened. 

Edited by discuccsant
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27 minutes ago, Norma42 said:

My mind can’t figure out if I did it on purpose 

Do you need to figure that out though? I'm sure you've tried many times to figure it out and have got no closer. This is the biggest indication at least in my opinion that our compulsions never work. There is no amount of figuring it through ruminating over it that will result in an answer. OCD will never ever accept it. Try working with the idea of maybe you did, maybe you didn't but you know that all the time spent on ruminating over it hasn't worked so you're not going to try to figure it out. 

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2 hours ago, Norma42 said:

But if I did that makes me some kind of sicko

Does it? Or does it according to your interpretation of this possibility? I mean: What if it really happened? Let's go with that! Does it REALLY make you a sicko? Because of what? Because you happened to do something so minor without any impact on anyone, out of a random moment? 

Imagine the possibility of this happening to your mother: Do you think she would feel as guilty as you? Or do you think she would shrug it off as a weird thing, without any further meaning? 

My advice to you: It's irrelevant whether it has happened. Why? Because it's crystal clear to everyone, that you obviously don't like if it happened. In fact, you've developed a horrible guilt out of something so stupid. Give yourself a break. 

Edited by discuccsant
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Do not revisit this in your mind or you will end up in a bad place. It has happened to me. A very similar scenario. LET IT GO. YOU WILL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT BUT LIKE A SNOWBALL IT WILL BECOME BIGGER. It was part of ocd and accept that's all it was and stop ruminating or you will get no peace 

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I do know I was worried about NOT getting a feeling. So then of course OCD intrusive thought says “get a feeling”. I guess just maybe realizing the fact that the thought itself could give me a groinal response is a relief. I so appreciate y’all responding to me 

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7 hours ago, Norma42 said:

I do know I was worried about NOT getting a feeling. So then of course OCD intrusive thought says “get a feeling”. I guess just maybe realizing the fact that the thought itself could give me a groinal response is a relief. I so appreciate y’all responding to me 

Concentrating on that area can cause it but equally just a thought or image that your brain interprets as sexual even if it isn't what you would want to have a sexual response to can cause a response in your groin. 

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@Norma42as someone who's been struggling for well over a year with a sexual obsession, stop looking into this. I've made my situation much worse from doing compulsions and I'm convinced I've probably done damage to my brain with associations of sex and the intrusive thoughts through checking and testing compulsions. I'm telling you to leave this alone, just as @DRS1, @PolarBear, @MarieJo and @discuccsanthas.

You will heavily regret this if you do not stop doing the compulsions. Leave it alone, do not end up like me.

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1 hour ago, DRS1 said:

Concentrating on that area can cause it but equally just a thought or image that your brain interprets as sexual even if it isn't what you would want to have a sexual response to can cause a response in your groin. 

Good to know that especially questioning if I did it on purpose after an intrusive thought. It may have been coming either way

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25 minutes ago, FlyingRocket said:

@Norma42as someone who's been struggling for well over a year with a sexual obsession, stop looking into this. I've made my situation much worse from doing compulsions and I'm convinced I've probably done damage to my brain with associations of sex and the intrusive thoughts through checking and testing compulsions. I'm telling you to leave this alone, just as @DRS1, @PolarBear, @MarieJo and @discuccsanthas.

You will heavily regret this if you do not stop doing the compulsions. Leave it alone, do not end up like me.

Have you had a similar situation with your child?

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11 minutes ago, Norma42 said:

Good to know that especially questioning if I did it on purpose after an intrusive thought. It may have been coming either way

Although OCD is tricky so the last intrusive thought I got was “ get a feeling”. I’m terms of abuse what would that even be considered?

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7 hours ago, Norma42 said:

Have you had a similar situation with your child?

No, I do not have one. I also don't have 'POCD', my obsession is about a different topic. My sexual obsession just goes against my own personal morals. I just thought I'd comment as seuxal obsessions can be pretty distressing to the individual no matter what the contents are. For example some may have sexual thoughts of being gay (I had this for some time) or some may have intrusive thoughts about a family member etc.

I should have clarified this sorry. But the contents of the obsession doesn't matter, it's all OCD. 

Edited by FlyingRocket
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9 hours ago, Norma42 said:

Although OCD is tricky so the last intrusive thought I got was “ get a feeling”. I’m terms of abuse what would that even be considered?

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but: It would be considered as nothing. Objectively/Intersubjectively speaking, your fear is complete nonsense. You had a stupid thought. Calm down already and stop overthinking it. And EVEN IF YOU DID GET THE THOUGHT ON PURPOSE: 

Nobody cares. It was a random idea out of a random moment, without any kind of harm to anyone. That's it. It's completely irrelevant. Not only that, but it's seriously nothing. Just let it go already, as there is no need to think about all the "What If's" in this. 

Norma, moments like that happen to everyone. As long as you try to see it differently though, by making yourself believe, that you are a monster, you are stuck in this. I think you can't see it that way right now, but you get yourself to that: You could get this non-distorted view about this "event" - which isn't even worth called an event, at all - by simply not engaging with the compulsions. 

But if you continue doing so, against our advice, you'll be sucked deeper and deeper into this. Things will just get worse over time. You already had other sufferers telling you this. And please: Get yourself professional help as far as possible. 

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3 hours ago, discuccsant said:

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but: It would be considered as nothing. Objectively/Intersubjectively speaking, your fear is complete nonsense. You had a stupid thought. Calm down already and stop overthinking it. And EVEN IF YOU DID GET THE THOUGHT ON PURPOSE: 

Nobody cares. It was a random idea out of a random moment, without any kind of harm to anyone. That's it. It's completely irrelevant. Not only that, but it's seriously nothing. Just let it go already, as there is no need to think about all the "What If's" in this. 

Norma, moments like that happen to everyone. As long as you try to see it differently though, by making yourself believe, that you are a monster, you are stuck in this. I think you can't see it that way right now, but you get yourself to that: You could get this non-distorted view about this "event" - which isn't even worth called an event, at all - by simply not engaging with the compulsions. 

But if you continue doing so, against our advice, you'll be sucked deeper and deeper into this. Things will just get worse over time. You already had other sufferers telling you this. And please: Get yourself professional help as far as possible. 

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

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On 10/09/2022 at 13:41, discuccsant said:

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but: It would be considered as nothing. Objectively/Intersubjectively speaking, your fear is complete nonsense. You had a stupid thought. Calm down already and stop overthinking it. And EVEN IF YOU DID GET THE THOUGHT ON PURPOSE: 

Nobody cares. It was a random idea out of a random moment, without any kind of harm to anyone. That's it. It's completely irrelevant. Not only that, but it's seriously nothing. Just let it go already, as there is no need to think about all the "What If's" in this. 

Norma, moments like that happen to everyone. As long as you try to see it differently though, by making yourself believe, that you are a monster, you are stuck in this. I think you can't see it that way right now, but you get yourself to that: You could get this non-distorted view about this "event" - which isn't even worth called an event, at all - by simply not engaging with the compulsions. 

But if you continue doing so, against our advice, you'll be sucked deeper and deeper into this. Things will just get worse over time. You already had other sufferers telling you this. And please: Get yourself professional help as far as possible. 

Had my first NOCD appointment today. Let’s see how this goes 

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6 hours ago, Norma42 said:

Just not getting better

It doesn't happen that fast. You only had your first therapy appointment on Monday. These things take time. Readjust your expectations of it to you will get better but not after just a few sessions as you have a lot of OCDs tricks to unwind.

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