In absolute Crisis

[Cam81]

Hi all, this might be a little long so please bare with me.

I was a very naive child, and was exposed to sex at a very young and vulnerable age.

Over 20 years ago I suffered a massive breakdown after coming across child porn on my PC, I thought it turned me on so looked at it for a few nights. I woke up one morning then put 2 and 2 together to realise what I had actually seen and done. I was an empty shell that morning, my life destroyed. My mother forced me to  see the doctor as I had spiralled to such a deep depression. Analysing everything, playing it round in my head what I had done, not eating, drinking, and hygiene was non existent.

I saw a sexual health psychologist who explained that I was suffering from POCD and it was the sexual aspect and not the content that turned me on and this was why I was having such a strong reaction. The guilt I bore lasted for a long time. And after years of counselling and help I managed to eventually put this behind me.

Well, recently there has been a major rift in my family and my Brother out of spite said some horrible untrue things about me to other family. This caused a massive shock to my mental health and now I am at square 1. 

I have now had a huge relapse in my Real event OCD, especially going over one memory of my baby niece laying on the sofa next to me over 20 years ago, had horrible thoughts in my head, this was when I was completely lost in my head. Am I that person, am I evil, so I rubbed her chest to check, at least that's what I am convinced of as I have replayed it a million times. I was never going to hurt her and I felt nothing sexual about it and I immediately stopped. But the fact I checked haunts me and I cannot resolve it. My wife says I did nothing wrong, as people rub babys chests to comfort them and I stopped, and had no intention of doing anything else which is true. 

I am in so much pain, Anxiety and my stomach are in agony, when I play it over in my head it hurts, when I don't it hurts, my depression is so low I can't do anything. I have spoke to my doctor, increased my Citalopram to 40mg and gave me Diazapam to help with the anxiety but I am struggling so much.

I am a man with very strong morals and guilt concsiounce. I know I am a good person and have never hurt anyone but this is destroying me.

Edited September 10, 2022 by Cam81

[PolarBear]

Awful, isn't it? Typical of OCD to latch onto a nonevent from decades ago and make it out to be a catastrophe. 

What makes this so much worse than it needs to be is your compulsions. Like going over it in your head a million times. It solves nothing. It creates anxiety and depression. 

You said that when you play it over in your head it hurts and hurts when you don't. The difference is that it will continue to hurt so long as you do such compulsions but the hurt will diminish over time if you avoid compulsions. 

[Cam81]

It really is PolarBear, I feel I crossed the line when I "tested" myself, but my wife says that the line would have been crossed if I enjoyed it and went further. I know I am a good person but this memory kills me.

My wife has looked up Real Event OCD and told me pretty much the same thing, not to interact with the memory or think of it at all. It is so hard while I am at such a low ebb. I am not sleeping, I am crying all the time and the panic and anxiety attacks all seem to work against me.

I was really scared of posting  this but I know I need to increase my resources to help me get through this.

[PolarBear]

I come from somewhat similar circumstances. I not only overcame them, but I don't give a hoot what people think/say about me.

You can get to a point where you realize the event was nothing but the hubbub was entirely because you were fixated on the event.

[Cam81]

I have spent the whole day in tears, before this week I haven't cried in over a decade.

I am guessing that the pain, Anxiety and panic attacks will get worse before it gets better by not thinking about my past. I just do t know where I can get the strength from.

[ocdjonesy]

Just take it a day at a time ok?  I know it feels really awful but you can do it.  Just go slow and be kind to yourself.  Relapses happen and they are the worst but there's another side to them and you will get there.  

[Cam81]

I do get very temporary strength but very quickly drains. 

I am trying anytime I get a flash to either tell the OCD to ****** off or say I didn't do anything wrong. But again when that happens my stomach lurches and cold sweats. Almost feels like I'm having a hypo. 

My wife is calling the docs on Monday as she says I need a proper in person assessment rather than a telephone conversation. The Diazapam does temporarily help but I don't want to be on it for long. It could be also that I have gained some resilience to Citalopram and need to go onto something else. That isn't a great prospect as I know I would need to come off one before I start on another. 

I really f&÷>#&g hate OCD. I would rather suffer broken bones than this.

 

[Cam81]

I don't know what to do, I am in so much pain all the time, I have been ignoring my real event, but the pain inside is excruciating, constant aching stomach, everything that comes into my head even normal stuff makes me anxious.

I am losing my strength, all I see and feel is pain.

How I felt over a week ago seems a million miles away, thinking about going for a walk is overwhelming.

[Cam81]

My wife has had to phone NHS24, hopefully get a call back soon.

[njb]

Hey Cam,

Hope you're getting help and feeling better.

Njb

[Cam81]

I am stuck in my cycle of torture again this morning.

After speaking to my Mum and wife about my memory of what happened with my baby niece, they told me that my stroking her chest checking if I was "that person" was not wrong, it would have only been wrong if I enjoyed it or carried on but I can't shake the guilt that I still checked by rubbing the babies side of her chest. I know there felt nothing sexual about it, and felt nothing and immediately stopped, disgusted that I even checked but its killing me. I feel like some kind of monster.

I am I free fall at the moment.

Edited September 13, 2022 by Cam81

[determination987]

5 hours ago, Cam81 said:

I am stuck in my cycle of torture again this morning.

After speaking to my Mum and wife about my memory of what happened with my baby niece, they told me that my stroking her chest checking if I was "that person" was not wrong, it would have only been wrong if I enjoyed it or carried on but I can't shake the guilt that I still checked by rubbing the babies side of her chest. I know there felt nothing sexual about it, and felt nothing and immediately stopped, disgusted that I even checked but its killing me. I feel like some kind of monster.

I am I free fall at the moment.

I know it’s hard, honestly I do but checking with people, replaying events and analysing motives etc are all compulsions and they will always keep you stuck and feeling horrendous.

It feels so scary to let the thoughts just be, I know that but ultimately they are just thoughts and as neglectful as OCD may tell you it is, you can just let them be. You don’t need to figure it out because there isn’t anything to figure out.

OCD loves a what if and only becomes more powerful the more you question it’s narrative. Even reassuring yourself will always come back with something else, more evidence to support its claims. 
 

You’re not the monster - OCD is. Imagine a monster and that every time you’re feeding it, it’s getting bigger and more powerful. It started off small but with every compulsion it’s become stronger. If you stop feeding it, it will become smaller again and it will lose its power. 
 

I often ask myself what would I be doing right now instead of the court battle that I’m arguing in my head and I try my best to do that. Getting outside and doing things that keep my mind occupied for a while. 
 

Try and give yourself a break if you can and practice some self compassion. The way we speak to ourselves sometimes is so harsh and only feeds into OCD’s narrative.

[Cam81]

It really is, and thankyou so much for your reply. I feel my tank is completely dry, no emotional strength, almost paralysed by this.

I have had to sign off for a couple of weeks as everything is too much. 

I have an appointment in 10 minutes with a mental health community group, hopefully will get something out of it. My fear is the waiting list for proper help from GP referal is 6 months and that's just for an assessment. No way I can hold out that long without being hospitalised.

[determination987]

59 minutes ago, Cam81 said:

It really is, and thankyou so much for your reply. I feel my tank is completely dry, no emotional strength, almost paralysed by this.

I have had to sign off for a couple of weeks as everything is too much. 

I have an appointment in 10 minutes with a mental health community group, hopefully will get something out of it. My fear is the waiting list for proper help from GP referal is 6 months and that's just for an assessment. No way I can hold out that long without being hospitalised.

I know. I think that when we start to believe the thoughts and what they say about us, the more we neglect ourselves and it exacerbates it.

You are strong though and you can get better. It’s not instant and it takes time and a lot of effort but small steps make big progress. 

How did your appointment go?

I started off with self help books and audio books and they really helped me. It explained a lot about the OCD cycle and I could understand more about what was happening to me. I then worked on the exercises and with help on here, I built up exposures and confidence. Have you read any self help resources? 

The thing that helps me the most is self compassion. I can talk horrendously to myself and berate myself like I’m the worst person on the planet. It can feel really lonely and impossible to handle but once we take a step back, see the thoughts as thoughts, we can live our lives again. If you practice talking to yourself in a kinder way, it can really help to gaining your life back.

So instead of ‘I’m a monster’, acknowledge that you’re having difficult thoughts and feeling worn down by OCD and that it’s okay to give yourself a rest from it. You’re here right now in the present and can live how you want to right now. 

 

[Cam81]

My consultation was OK, unfortunately they do not provide CBT but I have an appointment with people that do on the 27th.

They do provide and he did recommend the 1 on 1 appointments with therapists to start off with, however there is a 5 month waiting list but he said still to go for it, again its self referral. So he has sent me an application.

I find it so hard to talk to people about what my obsessions are about and keep expecting them to say it was wrong for me or I was a beast to test/check myself by rubbing a babies chest but they have actually been telling me I did nothing wrong as the only thing I got from it was nothing but guilt and disgust feeling nothing sexual in the slightest. But that's where I need to realise I proved to myself I am not that monster and leave it at that. It seems to be that fact I checked in the first place that haunts me. Here I go ruminating again ffs,  Easier said than done in my fracking head. 

I have signed up for "First steps" and "Managing Anxiety" courses that they provide.

I also bought 2 books recommended by someone else on this forum, "Brain Lock" started reading it but seems to totally ignore Real memory OCD so far even though the methods may be sound. Also got "Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts".

If there are any recommendations please let me know.

[determination987]

9 minutes ago, Cam81 said:

My consultation was OK, unfortunately they do not provide CBT but I have an appointment with people that do on the 27th.

They do provide and he did recommend the 1 on 1 appointments with therapists to start off with, however there is a 5 month waiting list but he said still to go for it, again its self referral. So he has sent me an application.

I find it so hard to talk to people about what my obsessions are about and keep expecting them to say it was wrong for me or I was a beast to test/check myself by rubbing a babies chest but they have actually been telling me I did nothing wrong as the only thing I got from it was nothing but guilt and disgust feeling nothing sexual in the slightest. But that's where I need to realise I proved to myself I am not that monster and leave it at that. It seems to be that fact I checked in the first place that haunts me. Here I go ruminating again ffs,  Easier said than done in my fracking head. 

I have signed up for "First steps" and "Managing Anxiety" courses that they provide.

I also bought 2 books recommended by someone else on this forum, "Brain Lock" started reading it but seems to totally ignore Real memory OCD so far even though the methods may be sound. Also got "Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts".

If there are any recommendations please let me know.

I found both of those books helpful. I think the part on the second one about false reassurance was particularly good. I first cut down on asking people what they thought of my obsessions but then I’d still be reassuring myself in my head - ‘I wouldn’t have done that’, ‘it’s okay because if it did happen then I obviously wouldn’t have intended for anything bad to happen’, ‘other people do that too’ etc etc. I realised that this just replaced seeking other people’s opinions and checking online and was the hardest to stop.

Try and watch the rumination and whilst acknowledging the thoughts, try and do something else instead. Notice that your mind is coming at you with the scenario and it wants you to check it and analyse it but do some thing else instead. Go for a walk, do something positive, something mindful.

Try and do some nice things for yourself too. It’s hard to feel deserving when our brain convinces us of the worst but you are human and deserve nice things. Treat yourself. OCD is incredibly distressing and you deserve a break and nice things too.

It will come at you again and again with the thoughts but try and cut down on the compulsions - rumination particularly. Take it one step at a time and reward yourself along the way!

[Cam81]

Just thought I would ask if anyone has any recommendation on good therapists around Edinburgh and the lothians, NHS has a crazy waiting list and I feel I need to get this moving on. Every morning is waking up with sweats, Anxiety and a churning stomach, then I cry my eyes out. Have went for a walk yesterday and this morning but it's so difficult to drown out the OCD.

[DRS1]

1 hour ago, Cam81 said:

Just thought I would ask if anyone has any recommendation on good therapists around Edinburgh and the lothians, NHS has a crazy waiting list and I feel I need to get this moving on. Every morning is waking up with sweats, Anxiety and a churning stomach, then I cry my eyes out. Have went for a walk yesterday and this morning but it's so difficult to drown out the OCD.

How long is the waiting list? I live outside of Glasgow but in my area referral and diagnosis appointment was maybe within a month. I did have therapy delayed due to an admin issue where they forgot about me but got my GP to chase up on it and got an appointment through very quickly.

 

If it's been a while, try contacting your GP to see if you can get them to hurry it up a bit.

[Cam81]

My GP referred me to 2 East Lothian groups, Changes and CWIC. Both self referral, Changes is 6 months before I can get a 1 to 1 with a therapist, CWIC I have an initial guessing "Triage" phone call on the 27th. GP referral to an NHS therapist can take up to up to 6 months just for the initial consultation then who knows how long after.

The services are so poorly understaffed and underfunded it really is scary.

[DRS1]

5 minutes ago, Cam81 said:

My GP referred me to 2 East Lothian groups, Changes and CWIC. Both self referral, Changes is 6 months before I can get a 1 to 1 with a therapist, CWIC I have an initial guessing "Triage" phone call on the 27th. GP referral to an NHS therapist can take up to up to 6 months just for the initial consultation then who knows how long after.

The services are so poorly understaffed and underfunded it really is scary.

Sorry to hear that the waiting list is so long. I wonder if the affects caused by the pandemic backlog are still rippling through too but they really shouldn't be as significant now. It should be starting treatment within about 4 weeks of the consultation or something around there but obviously that could be completely different. Equally the waiting list may not be as long as stated. Just as an example, in other NHS services for Neurology, the waiting list was about 9 months but it didn't take that long for me to start getting appointments. In general, services definitely are understaffed and underfunded and that's especially true for when you need more specialist treatment by a therapist and not a mental health nurse which a lot of services seem to be as the first step now. I hope it's not a long wait for you and you can get access to treatment quickly. 

 

 

[Cam81]

Hard morning today, just been crying my eyes out. It's so hard not to ruminate, the memory I have of actually physically rubbing my baby nieces chest to check I was not a pedophile. Yes I know I didn't get an ounce of enjoyment out of it, no sexual thrill except guilt and hatred does not make me feel any better, I should have been strong enough not to physically check and I feel like such a monster for doing this.

Yes I know I am not a pedophile but that moment especially kills me.

I am going for a walk every morning, trying to allow the thought to just be and not carry out any compulsions but the guilt wears me down to such a low ebb.

 

[Cam81]

I am struggling again this morning same as my last post. Does anyone have any advice how to get through especially the mornings. I feel I no strength left and I am in so much pain.

[determination987]

1 hour ago, Cam81 said:

I am struggling again this morning same as my last post. Does anyone have any advice how to get through especially the mornings. I feel I no strength left and I am in so much pain.

I’ve found that setting myself some small goals help so I don’t lay or sit there ruminating (easy to do when still half asleep).

Even if you’ve started ruminating, try and break the cycle and do something else. Sit outside and have breakfast or mindfully eat breakfast inside. Choose something healthy and look after yourself and reward yourself for trying.

Movement helps me too. A walk or some yoga or anything really. 

[Cam81]

Thanks determination987

It's like there is this wee gremlin in me pulling the other way "I am feeling bad or ruminating so I need to get up" but inside, this surge of pain telling me it's too hard and want to weep. I must sound so pathetic and weak. Fed up of this constant churning stomach too.

The post I put, I recognise was my ruminating out loud and I need to realise that as Polarbear said, it was a non event that has been catastrophised, that plus I do see the world too much in black and white, but convincing myself (or my OCD) that it was a non event is a completely different matter.

 

 

[determination987]

8 minutes ago, Cam81 said:

Thanks determination987

It's like there is this wee gremlin in me pulling the other way "I am feeling bad or ruminating so I need to get up" but inside, this surge of pain telling me it's too hard and want to weep. I must sound so pathetic and weak. Fed up of this constant churning stomach too.

The post I put, I recognise was my ruminating out loud and I need to realise that as Polarbear said, it was a non event that has been catastrophised, that plus I do see the world too much in black and white, but convincing myself (or my OCD) that it was a non event is a completely different matter.

 

 

You don’t sound weak at all. You sound like you’re having a difficult time with OCD and I empathise. I can get stuck on black or white, good or bad thinking and ‘events’, real and imagined can become distorted to the worst case scenario. It drains you and everything feels impossible. 
 

It’s not though, it just takes time and practice. You will never get the certainty that OCD wants so no matter how much you ruminate, check, gain reassurance, it will never be enough. The more you live your life and accept that you had a thought and that’s it, the more you’ll realise that it actually means nothing.

I woke up this morning and I think I was half dreaming about someone from the past and it triggered a lot of ‘what I’d’ scenarios. I couldn’t remember if they were real or imagined and I could feel myself trying to figure it out and check online to reassure myself it wasn’t real. I then started to feel more anxious and realised that I’d been doing compulsions for a while without realising and I’d gone down a bit of a spiral.

Instead of continuing down the spiral and getting stuck further, I got up and made myself a coffee and made plans for the day. I really just wanted to stay in bed and figure out whether or not I’d done anything wrong or bad but I know that I will never find an answer.

It’s hard and I’m still exhausted from it but I’m already feeling better for not spending my whole day doing compulsions. I’ve done some of the jobs that I needed to get done and I’m planning on seeing a friend later. My instinct was to do the opposite.

I really do get that fear and need for absolute certainty that we’re not bad but ultimately we are human and we’re neither good nor bad. We’re not our actions. We don’t need to analyse every action or every thought but to live right now how we want.

You deserve to enjoy your day and to let this thought be. You’re hyper  focusing on something which gives it meaning and your brain is desperate to figure it out because it sees it as a problem. It wants to protect you. Be kind to yourself. Try and do something nice for yourself today if you can.