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Reocurring back pain because of OCD?


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Hello everyone,

I have been diagnosed with OCD when I was 15 or 16, but I remember having obsessions and intrusive thoughts all my life. My mother also suffers from OCD but she got it under control.

I've been attending therapy for some time and was put on meds, and now my OCD is mostly bearable, but I still sometimes have intrusive thoughts.

I have a question tho. I've got a bad episode with back pain (bad because of anxiety correlated with it, not because of the pain itself), which my physiotherapist worked out. A few years ago, I was having back pain due to back posture and weak core muscles (non-existing abs, weak glutes, and bad position of hips). After a few weeks (or months?) of physiotherapy, I was corrected. My glutes and core became stronger, I was doing proper technique at the gym and my back pain reduced to pretty much non-existent (I was feeling it only after workouts and it was like 2/10). Even my physiotherapist said that I was paying too much attention to that spot on my back, and I should stop doing it because it will make me hyper-aware of anything going on there (even sore muscles). But I couldn't do that.

Fast forward to last month, I started working out again. I started with low weights, making sure that my technique is on point, etc. But still, after every workout, the pain shows up and won't go away until the next day. The pain is very minor, I would say it's a 2 out of a 10-point scale, so it's very little. I don't know if I can qualify this feeling as a pain, but I can definitely feel something in that spot after every workout.

I was thinking maybe the problem is indeed in my hyper-awareness of that spot after a workout. Because on a daily basis nothing hurts me, even after lifting heavy things at work, playing basketball, etc. Only when I hit the gym and do a workout, then the pain will show up. And it persist for a few hours if I had nothing to do. If I am seeing my friends or doing something that makes me more at the moment, and I forgot about my back for a while, then the pain is gone. Also, when I drink a few beers or smoke a joint (which I rarely do) the pain goes away. But, if this is a typical evening, and after a workout, I will sit and watch Netflix, the pain will be there till the next day.

The first time I ever experienced back pain (a few years ago) I was having some debilitating anxiety, because I thought I was doomed and I won't be able to exercise anymore (which I loved/still love). Now, after these few years, I got back to the gym (last month) and I am really enjoying it (the process, lifestyle, diet, etc.) I am 100% into it, but the anxiety is still here, I am worried that because of that little pain it will demotivate me from exercising and I will be without muscles and with dad-body. So it's a vicious cycle because I am trying to do my best, but I am worried that I won't be able to do that hobby/passion anymore because of my back.

Starting last week I am reading tons of articles about back pain and everyone says that exercising and strengthening muscles is key to having a strong, healthy back, but still, it reassures me for a while, and then I search more just to make sure. I am super afraid when I read an article, and the point of view of people who wrote that is that I couldn't work out anymore or be in pain for the rest of my life.

I tried to get back to the gym a few times, but after a month or two I am always tired of this little pain, and just stop working out and become miserable because of that.

Do you have any thoughts or insights or tips for me? Should I stop seeking reassurance? Maybe I should let it go and accept that little feeling and it will go away. But I am afraid of doing it. I'd love to make sure that this feeling is caused by my OCD, but I think there is no way to do that (with 100% confidence).

Oh, and also. I am trying to quit smoking (cigarettes), and if I work out and then I don't smoke (for the rest of the day) the pain will be there most of the time. After smoking a cigarette, the pain goes away. I think this is proof (maybe not a solid one, but still) that there is something psychological about it. Because cigarettes cannot help with back pain, right?

Any tips will be appreciated. Please don't send me to doctors, I am afraid of them, and still, deep down I feel like this is propably psychological.

Edited by kopytko
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