Ocd about my son. Part 2

[impossiblestrain]

Quick recap: 

I am a 32 male dad, my son is now 6 months old. I was diagnosed with OCD, 11 years ago. However i have been suffering from it since i was 13 years old.

I have had many obsessions, sexual obsessions, obsessions about my relationships and obsessions about my health to name a few. Ofcourse along with compulsions both physically and mentally.

Have had years of therapy but i was triggered today while changing my son.

What happened yesterday

So i was changing my sons diaper and i must say that, the last days i was already more sensitive towards thoughts i kept getting. Thoughts about my son when i brought him to bed like; '' What if i strangled him with the usb charger?". So i went back in my sons room to check if the usb charger was in the place where it should be. 

Anyway while changing my sons diaper, i had a happy feeling, he was smiling and acting like a baby does. However a sexual image flashed through my head which caused intense fear. It felt like time stopped for a minute and i went immediately in my head to analyse what just happened, but just after, i started to think: "What if i just did something sexually to my son and i cant remember it?".

This whole day ive been trying to find the piece of the puzzle in my head that i would never do something like that, that something like that could never have happened. I have been stressed and living with anxiety and fear this whole day. 

Ive been trying to recreate this morning in my head, how i felt, what i did, trying to reassure myself. Its like my head keeps saying, find the evidence that something like that never ocurred and you would never do. 

Everything ive learned is so hard to apply when dealing with something new. I have come a long way living with ocd. But this kind of stuff just makes me feel like im back at square one.
 

Today:

I have posted the story above on another forum aswell and got triggered by somebody his reaction. Im not quite sure what to make of it, it felt like he was accusing me, this is what he said:

Guilt can cause some one to loathe them self. If somebody loathes their self, they can accidentally on purpose trip and fall down the stairs and die. Avoid anything you would feel guilty about.

I think anything that gets forced into one’s personal space can be sexualized in order to cope with it. I would say pedophilia would be a valid excuse to get out of diaper service.

Edited September 18, 2022 by impossiblestrain

[DRS1]

15 minutes ago, impossiblestrain said:

Quick recap: 

I am a 32 male dad, my son is now 6 months old. I was diagnosed with OCD, 11 years ago. However i have been suffering from it since i was 13 years old.

I have had many obsessions, sexual obsessions, obsessions about my relationships and obsessions about my health to name a few. Ofcourse along with compulsions both physically and mentally.

Have had years of therapy but i was triggered today while changing my son.

What happened yesterday

So i was changing my sons diaper and i must say that, the last days i was already more sensitive towards thoughts i kept getting. Thoughts about my son when i brought him to bed like; '' What if i strangled him with the usb charger?". So i went back in my sons room to check if the usb charger was in the place where it should be. 

Anyway while changing my sons diaper, i had a happy feeling, he was smiling and acting like a baby does. However a sexual image flashed through my head which caused intense fear. It felt like time stopped for a minute and i went immediately in my head to analyse what just happened, but just after, i started to think: "What if i just did something sexually to my son and i cant remember it?".

This whole day ive been trying to find the piece of the puzzle in my head that i would never do something like that, that something like that could never have happened. I have been stressed and living with anxiety and fear this whole day. 

Ive been trying to recreate this morning in my head, how i felt, what i did, trying to reassure myself. Its like my head keeps saying, find the evidence that something like that never ocurred and you would never do. 

Everything ive learned is so hard to apply when dealing with something new. I have come a long way living with ocd. But this kind of stuff just makes me feel like im back at square one.
 

Today:

I have posted the story above on another forum aswell and got triggered by somebody his reaction. Im not quite sure what to make of it, it felt like he was accusing me, this is what he said:

Guilt can cause some one to loathe them self. If somebody loathes their self, they can accidentally on purpose trip and fall down the stairs and die. Avoid anything you would feel guilty about.

I think anything that gets forced into one’s personal space can be sexualized in order to cope with it. I would say pedophilia would be a valid excuse to get out of diaper service.

Hi again. What he said isn't very helpful that's for sure. However I'd like to point out you are engaging in compulsive reassurance seeking by posting the same thing on multiple forums in order to gain certainty that you didn't do anything wrong when it doesn't matter how often someone would say you did or didn't do something it would never fulfill OCDs demands.

 

It sounds like the person that replied to you on the other forum doesn't really understand OCD and that's not helpful. In the OCD-UK forums, you can probably see that since most of us either have it or have went through it or know someone that has, we would probably tend to understand more than those without. I don't know which other forum it was where you posted and it doesn't matter but what I would recommend is staying to one forum and trying to avoid seeking compulsive reassurance.

[impossiblestrain]

Hi again indeed,

I know you are right and i caught myself seeking for reassurance indeed. Youre absolutely right. It was the mental help forum btw, ocd section

I get some helpful comments, yet they dont always seem to help, i get some non helpful comments and well ofc they dont help. Its just doubt that occurs again when somebody replies like that, like: what if hes right? Though my body immediately reacted with, is he accusing me? Im not a pedophile lol.

All i can say is youre right. Its just hard to get control over it sometimes, especially they day after when i wake up in the morning. 

But like you said i do can relate to other peoples stories about ocd or people that tend to be more helpful because they have been through the same.

Thanks again for replying.

Ps: My wife said: Dont you think pedophiles would like to change diapers instead of making an excuse not to?