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Thinking of not attending family wedding due to OCD


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Hi All,

My brother's wedding is in a couple of weeks. We've always been really close and I obviously want to attend his wedding BUT I am struggling with OCD, social anxiety and agoraphobia and don't know what to do.

I can cope with attending the wedding and facing some of my agoraphobic and contamination OCD triggers (I'd only have to walk a short distance and would just force myself to deal with the contamination side of things) BUT part of my OCD centres around responsibility for my golden retriever. I have had OCD about her for about 4 or 5 years (she's six) and basically have never left her apart from with a family member or at the Vets and even then only for a very short time period and having asked them not to leave her at all. I don't even let my dog have access to the whole house and ensure someone is watching her at all times. My main fear is that she will eat something toxic that might make her seriously unwell. Anyway fast forward to this wedding and I feel like I cannot leave her. I realise how absolutely ridiculous this sounds- she is just a dog after all but my OCD is making me feel as though I cannot do it. 

For my niece and nephew's christenings I did manage to leave her in the car for an hour each but I've since read that even leaving a dog in the car in Autumn/Winter is not a good idea. I've looked into alternative options but would have to either adjust to the idea of her going into kennels (which she'll find traumatic as she's not used to being left or being in a kennel) OR of going to someone else's house who won't be watching her as closely as I do. 

I know this is daft and that I might regret not attending in 5, 10, 15 years but I don't know what to do! 

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9 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Did you ever think you watch her TOO closely?

Oh I definitely do but the fear of anything happening to her if I don't is overwhelming and then factor in the fact that she will find being away from us distressing (I know a  dog is a dog but she has feelings and feels lonely/fearful etc) and I don't know what to do!

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20 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I realise how absolutely ridiculous this sounds- she is just a dog after all

She's not 'just a dog' though, is she? To you she is much more than most people's pets are to them. The relationship you have is more equivalent to mother and human child in terms of the emotional value you put on it. I get it. I feel that way about a teddy bear who's been my rock through decades of unspeakable troubles. Other people see him just as a stuffed toy. Let them. He's my world! Just as your retriever is your world. :)

BUT that doesn't mean you can allow OCD to dictate your life or hers. :no:

There's a line OCD can make you cross where you try so hard to be a perfect caring 'parent' that you actually damage your 'child'. You don't want to be like that, I'm sure.

So it's time to allow your dog to live instead of encasing her in a bubble of OCD-based restrictions.

Remember that your attempts to keep her safe isn't really about keeping her safe at all. It's OCD thinking overblowing the risks out of proportion and telling you it's necessary when it's not.

 

21 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I know this is daft and that I might regret not attending in 5, 10, 15 years but I don't know what to do! 

No might about it. You would regret it for the rest of your life. (I missed my dad receiving an honors award from the Queen at Buckingham Palace due to OCD and always regretted not just pushing through the 'difficulties' at the time.)

Trust me, if you don't go to this important family event there'll be bigger knock on effects far beyond your mere guilt and regret. :dry: You'll be placing yourself forever slightly outside the trusted circle  of your family. And having put your OCD ahead of them when it mattered the way back to the core of the family is difficult in the extreme. :(

21 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I am struggling with OCD, social anxiety and agoraphobia and don't know what to do.

You may not be certain what you want to do, but you know what you have to do. What we want can leave us pulled in two directions, what you have to do cuts through the OCD 'needs' and sweeps them aside.

Bite the bullet. Get practical. Decide which way you want to deal with your retriever for the day, and then start making plans for attending the wedding. :)

 

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Thank you for the helpful advice Snowbear! I'm so desperate not to leave my dog that I've managed to convince myself that it'll be totally fine if I don't go, which obviously in the abstract I know is not true- he's my brother, it's not like he's a distant relative! I feel so stressed because we haven't worked out what to do about care for my dog during the wedding yet and it seems so last minute (wedding is on 1st Oct/in 11 days).

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I agree with snowbear, belanna - I know this is extremely difficult, but if you don't go to the wedding because of ocd it will hurt your brother in a way that will be hard to come back from. It will also massively reinforce your ocd and just compound your suffering through the years. Your dog is fine - people leave their dogs in the care of others all the time. Your brain is telling you otherwise - but you need to decide not to do what your brain says and do what you know you must do. You can do this x 

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7 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I agree with snowbear, belanna - I know this is extremely difficult, but if you don't go to the wedding because of ocd it will hurt your brother in a way that will be hard to come back from. It will also massively reinforce your ocd and just compound your suffering through the years. Your dog is fine - people leave their dogs in the care of others all the time. Your brain is telling you otherwise - but you need to decide not to do what your brain says and do what you know you must do. You can do this x 

Thanks Gingerbreadgirl! I'm so anxious about it but my brother will probably feel hurt if I don't attend (to be honest part of me thinks he won't care that much for various reasons and that may have factored into my thoughts/decision making on this). I have contacted a dog sitter and a kennels but I am anxious about both of these. I've considered leaving her in the car for the length of the service (less than an hour) but it may be unseasonably warm and I don't want her to overheat! 

Edited by BelAnna
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3 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I have contacted a dog sitter and a kennels but I am anxious about both of these. I've considered leaving her in the car for the length of the service (less than an hour) but it may be unseasonably warm and I don't want her to overheat! 

Here is an example of where OCD has warped your decisions surrounding this, and by trying to avoid what you fear (harm coming to your dog), the compulsion you do to try and protect her could actually cause her to come to harm.

Leaving her with a dog sitter or in kennels is the safe and responsible option. Leaving her in a car is cruel and irresponsible and potentially harmful. Not only could she die being left in a car she could also be uncomfortable and in pain if she can't go to the toilet in the car for example. Also she won't be safe in the car. Anyone can smash a window and steal her or something could happen to the car while you aren't watching her.

I'm not saying these things to scare you, but rather to make you see that the compulsion (keeping your dog in the car) will actually be more likely to cause her harm than doing the sensible and responsible thing of leaving her in a kennel or with a certified dog sitter.

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On 21/09/2022 at 17:56, Lynz said:

Here is an example of where OCD has warped your decisions surrounding this, and by trying to avoid what you fear (harm coming to your dog), the compulsion you do to try and protect her could actually cause her to come to harm.

Leaving her with a dog sitter or in kennels is the safe and responsible option. Leaving her in a car is cruel and irresponsible and potentially harmful. Not only could she die being left in a car she could also be uncomfortable and in pain if she can't go to the toilet in the car for example. Also she won't be safe in the car. Anyone can smash a window and steal her or something could happen to the car while you aren't watching her.

I'm not saying these things to scare you, but rather to make you see that the compulsion (keeping your dog in the car) will actually be more likely to cause her harm than doing the sensible and responsible thing of leaving her in a kennel or with a certified dog sitter.

Thanks Lynz. I'm really struggling with this. I know it's ridiculous to be this worried and yet just feel so overwhelmed with anxiety that I'm seriously considering not going! Prior to 2016/17 when we had other pets they were just not foci for my OCD at all and they would be sent off to the kennels/cattery once or twice a year. I remember watching a TV programme about OCD in 2013 (I was already quite unwell with other aspects of my OCD by this point and in hospital) in which someone else who was suffering from OCD about their dog discussed their obsession, and thinking how daft it was but I guess OCD just shifts from one thing to another all of the time. 

I've contacted a dog sitter and kennels. The problem is my OCD and social anxiety are so severe that meeting the dog sitter next week and/or owners of the kennels will/would be a huge challenge in itself (add to that the embarrassment that I will have to reveal that I live with my parents as she's technically theirs (I bought her) so they need to provide Veterinary details etc. so I just feel a huge sense of dread/fear/shame about the whole thing at the moment. I'm also not sure how much I can really ask of them in terms of watching her closely and keeping her away from hazards (which is why the car feels safer even though I do agree about the risks of being stolen or overheating etc. so don't really think that's an option). I do actually think she'd be significantly less distressed in the car as she has been left in it a couple of times (whereas for example she has only been in a kennel at the Vets before and has sort of canine PTSD about the Vets as she had quite a few things go wrong when she was young). 

I would love it if I could feel fully secure that my dog will be safe so that I could just enjoy the celebration or at least be there for my brother.

Edited by BelAnna
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1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

I just feel a huge sense of dread/fear/shame about the whole thing at the moment.

Not wishing to sound cruel or uncaring as you know that's not the case, yet the term that springs to mind is 'time to put on your big girl pants'. :blush:

1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

I'm also not sure how much I can really ask of them in terms of watching her closely and keeping her away from hazards

In my experience the best way to deal with this is to swallow your pride and explain you have OCD about xyz. Keep in mind you are paying them and your requests are their business, so no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed to stipulate the terms of the business agreement being made between you.

False pride is the enemy of OCD sufferers. Trying to keep your fears a secret simply to keep up appearances isn't going to help you or your dog.

Procrastination is another enemy to watch out for. Sort it. Book the sitter. And focus on being there for your brother on his wedding day. :)

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18 hours ago, BelAnna said:

 

I've contacted a dog sitter and kennels. The problem is my OCD and social anxiety are so severe that meeting the dog sitter next week and/or owners of the kennels will/would be a huge challenge in itself (add to that the embarrassment that I will have to reveal that I live with my parents as she's technically theirs (I bought her) so they need to provide Veterinary details etc. so I just feel a huge sense of dread/fear/shame about the whole thing at the moment. I'm also not sure how much I can really ask of them in terms of watching her closely and keeping her away from hazards (which is why the car feels safer even though I do agree about the risks of being stolen or overheating etc. so don't really think that's an option).

You're making a bunch of assumptions about the clientele a dog sitter sits dogs for.  Not every single person whose dogs they look after is going to be a 100% perfect person with a stunning social lives and an amazing living situation.  Because they are people and people are messy.  

There are a bunch of reasons people might need to use a sitter or a kennel service and not all of them are 'I'm on a business trip for my extremely successful job' or 'I'm off wakeboarding with Tarquin and the rest of the boys' or whatever other people are better than me, low self-esteem OCD fixation, social anxiety attack thing your brain is trying to tell you.  You are more than likely not the first person with mental health concerns or person living with their parents these people have ever met or worked for.  Those ideas are coming from you and they're negative self talk.

Don't do that to yourself.  You're a perfectly normal human being with valid concerns and requirements meeting with another perfectly normal human being whose job it is to provide a service and there's no reason you can't communicate with each other successfully and come to an agreement that suits both of you.

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On 23/09/2022 at 03:05, snowbear said:

Not wishing to sound cruel or uncaring as you know that's not the case, yet the term that springs to mind is 'time to put on your big girl pants'. :blush:

In my experience the best way to deal with this is to swallow your pride and explain you have OCD about xyz. Keep in mind you are paying them and your requests are their business, so no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed to stipulate the terms of the business agreement being made between you.

False pride is the enemy of OCD sufferers. Trying to keep your fears a secret simply to keep up appearances isn't going to help you or your dog.

Procrastination is another enemy to watch out for. Sort it. Book the sitter. And focus on being there for your brother on his wedding day. :)

Thanks Snowbear, ocdjonesy and Daja! I'm really not managing well with this situation at all. None of the local dog sitters are available, my parents think putting her into kennels probably is too cruel (just because she has only been in kennels at the Vets and is extremely anxious at the Vets) and I've tried to contact one dog sitter in the city where the wedding is taking place but I'm now so freaked out about the prospect of her walking near busy roads and where there is rubbish for her to pick up and eat that I don't think I can go through with that. 

I have no idea what to do now! 

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55 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

I've tried to contact one dog sitter in the city where the wedding is taking place but I'm now so freaked out about the prospect of her walking near busy roads and where there is rubbish for her to pick up and eat that I don't think I can go through with that. 

OCD finds another excuse why something you need to do is 'impossible'. Just keep in mind that none of these options are impossible. Choose the option you think will be least upsetting for your dog and book it.

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Hey @BelAnna, you sound a little like a parent that is scared of leaving their child with someone for the first time. I think it's something you have to do, even if it's scary, you can't possibly be with your dog 24/7. You just have to test out different options and get comfortable leaving your dog in someone's care so that you can have your own life!

You really can't skip your brother's wedding because you don't want to leave your dog alone. Weddings are such emotional events that people want to share with their families. He'll be gutted if you don't go and you will regret it too!

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3 hours ago, Lynz said:

What do your parents/family think should be done?

They're not really overly interested but are criticising me for considering not attending. They said they might have just asked a local teenager to sit in our house with our dog. There are various problems with that though (including the potential for our dog to eat a fatally toxic death cap mushrooms in our garden; my contamination OCD issues with someone handling stuff in the house etc). 

I've contacted 8+ dog sitters and a kennels but they all book up several months ahead. I've asked a veterinary student on one of the borrowmydog type websites whether she might be willing to sit in the car with the dog but it feels like an odd thing to ask someone to do and she is going to consider it after meeting my dog. 

I just want our dog to be somewhere safe where there's no risk to her health (e.g. of her eating something harmful or overheating or being attacked by another dog or backing out of her collar and running onto a busy road- I may be catastrophising!).  

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3 hours ago, snowbear said:

OCD finds another excuse why something you need to do is 'impossible'. Just keep in mind that none of these options are impossible. Choose the option you think will be least upsetting for your dog and book it.

3 hours ago, Lynz said:

I agree with Snowbear. Choose the option that puts your dog first, not your OCD.

Thanks Snowbear and Lynz. I have been trying but I'm still not sure what to do. 

 

3 hours ago, malina said:

Hey @BelAnna, you sound a little like a parent that is scared of leaving their child with someone for the first time. I think it's something you have to do, even if it's scary, you can't possibly be with your dog 24/7. You just have to test out different options and get comfortable leaving your dog in someone's care so that you can have your own life!

You really can't skip your brother's wedding because you don't want to leave your dog alone. Weddings are such emotional events that people want to share with their families. He'll be gutted if you don't go and you will regret it too!

Thanks Malina. Yes it is a bit like that, I feel embarrassed about feeling so anxious about leaving my dog! I know that it's OTT but then OCD can really focus on anything that you care about! 

I have said I'm probably not going to make it to the meal but I'm trying really hard to make it to the ceremony. It's a small wedding anyway with a bigger party to follow next Spring (which I'm hoping to make it to). I had meant to get our dog used to being left with a dog sitter several months ahead of the wedding but having just moved house, that hasn't been possible. 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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30 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

I had meant to get our dog used to being left with a dog sitter several months ahead of the wedding but having just moved house, that hasn't been possible. 

I know you've had a lot on your plate but this is just OCD making another excuse. Your dog will cope with one afternoon away from you without having to get used to the sitter. Don't let your OCD convince you of things that sound plausible but are really just another avoidance excuse.

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On 27/09/2022 at 01:13, snowbear said:

I know you've had a lot on your plate but this is just OCD making another excuse. Your dog will cope with one afternoon away from you without having to get used to the sitter. Don't let your OCD convince you of things that sound plausible but are really just another avoidance excuse.

Thanks Snowbear. I can't bring myself to just leave her with someone at their house- I do realise this is based on my OCD rather than real risks. My head is full of worries about toxic garden mushrooms (for example we have some in ours that might be death caps, which are apparently both delicious for dogs and deadly toxic), medication being left around the house (e.g. in handbags on the floor), items left on the floor that my dog could eat etc. and all of the other things that could go wrong. I do realise I'm catastrophising. We've asked for a Veterinary student to sit in the car with her, which seems like an odd request but hopefully it might work out otherwise I'm wondering whether 30-45 mins in the car alone on a 14 degree day will be okay for my dog (I realise it's not the best idea). 

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