My biggest exposure yet….

[Summer9173]

Hi everybody, 

I thought I’d share my little anxious minds racing thoughts…. I have a big exposure coming up soon, it’s probably one of the biggest exposures to date

So my mum, my brother, my Nan and my Grandad are all going to Spain this Monday for 1 week, I’ll be at home with my Dad but I’m absolutely terrified and I don’t know why? My mum and my brother are my safe space as silly as that sounds, so the idea of them being so far away is just terrifying,

My initial reaction to them going away was = hide all the knives in the house, no throw them away!! But that will me the reaction that something is actually wrong = feeding my OCD, so guys I’m not going to hide them or throw them away, I’ve got this.

I may come to the forums a little bit more than usual this upcoming week if that’s okay for support, I’m super anxious but at the same time I’m ready to prove my OCD wrong xx

[NotRock]

Ey!, I am from Spain, if you need any advice you can contact me, but lets try to do this not OCD  

you can teach them this: "una cerveza por favor"

[Summer9173]

Thank you so much !! @NotRock  definitely having a tough morning anxiety wise for sure  it’s really hitting me now and I feel so scared

[NotRock]

Feeling scared is not bad, its something you cannot control, the bad thing is rumminating and compulsions  Try to be focused these days.

[Summer9173]

Thankyou @NotRock  I’m really struggling today, I hate the idea of my mum and younger brother being so far away from home. I struggle with harm ocd so I’m my head it’s like, if I’m away from my mum I’ll hurt somebody? It makes no sense I know just like how ocd doesn’t make sense, I just hate the ocd urges it’s like an overwhelming urge to hurt somebody I hate even typing that  I’d rather be hurt myself over a stranger being hurt 

[northpaul]

2 hours ago, Summer9173 said:

I’d rather be hurt myself over a stranger being hurt 

Looking to the forums can be helpful for you.  I know from your postings over the last year that you have some understanding of mental health issues.  Please bear in mind as you will know that there is help available through NHS 111, and other mental health helplines if you need it.

[NotRock]

4 hours ago, Summer9173 said:

so I’m my head it’s like, if I’m away from my mum I’ll hurt somebody?

You should learn to trust yourself, even if you are alone. Take this situation like a training  .

Let yourself to feel scared, knowing that these days will be hard. The problem here is that you dont want that feelings... understable, but you have them, so embrace them, let them being with you these days, its ok not to be ok for some days. You will become stronger.

[Summer9173]

5 hours ago, northpaul said:

Looking to the forums can be helpful for you.  I know from your postings over the last year that you have some understanding of mental health issues.  Please bear in mind as you will know that there is help available through NHS 111, and other mental health helplines if you need it.

Thank you @northpaul  I agree I think because I’ve had quite rubbish responses from helplines I’m quite reluctant now, but anxiety Uk has always been a good one.

It’s hitting me now that there going to be in another country, I know I can get through this week and that I’ll be okay, I’m just so scared because in my head I’m thinking ‘your going to hurt somebody and nobody will be there to stop you’

[Summer9173]

3 hours ago, NotRock said:

You should learn to trust yourself, even if you are alone. Take this situation like a training  .

Let yourself to feel scared, knowing that these days will be hard. The problem here is that you dont want that feelings... understable, but you have them, so embrace them, let them being with you these days, its ok not to be ok for some days. You will become stronger.

I agree I’m definitely going to take this situation like training  they’ll be back on Sunday too, I’ve got this!!

 

I keep trying to push away the scared feelings, but I need to remember that it’s okay to be scared, the more I push it away the more it’ll get worse. I’m struggling to sleep tonight out of the worry, but by separating it as ocd and seeing it for what it is (a medical condition, which is treatable with exposures and I’m doing that) with erp  I’m just worried that This is ‘flooding’ the fear and that it’ll make it worse maybe? 

[Summer9173]

Good morning everybody  so todays the day….. I didn’t have to much of a good sleep last night, but I need to get up for work now which I’m dreading. Hopefully I can do this xx

[Summer9173]

Im currently in work feeling a little bit better, I just need to keep myself distracted but I’ve got this I think I use my mum as a big safety behaviour even though she doesn’t understand my ocd xx

[Summer9173]

So it’s the first night and I’m really struggling, my mind is overwhelmed by the OCD, I’ve become quite good at separating it but because I’m at home alone I’m really struggling with fear, work helped today and was a good distraction, it’s more the anxiety feeling I’m struggling with though, I hope I sleep ok tonight  

[snowbear]

I think you've fallen into a trap a lot of OCD sufferers fall into.   The self-fulfilling prophecy trap.

In short, you've got into the habit of seeing anything that has the potential to make you anxious as automatically meaning that you should be anxious - so you spend the days running up to it telling yourself you'll be anxious and - what a surprise [not]   - when it happens you get anxious!

If you have trouble sleeping chances are you'll be imagining a lot of 'what ifs' and catastrophic outcomes. So simply replace one kind of imagining (catastrophic thoughts) with another kind of imagining (caring and wellwishing thoughts)  and picture your mum and brother having a fabulous time!

There's nothing inevitable about 'having' to worry just because you have harm OCD. Thinking of everything as a potential harm OCD triggerb is a bad, bad habit to get into. Break the habit now.

Sweet dreams.

[malina]

Hey Summer,

I have been through these exact same fears about knives so many times. Don't throw them out, it'll be torture at first and you will be scared....but it'll be so worth it in the long run! Stay strong, you can do this!

[Summer9173]

15 hours ago, snowbear said:

The self-fulfilling prophecy trap.

I do this quite a lot @snowbearand it’s very annoying  I think this stems more from OCD, when I was younger I went on a school trip for a week were certain things happened and we wasn’t allowed to contact home, safe to say it did leave me traumatised and I was extremely anxious for a very long time after. I think this is something I’d like to discuss with my therapist now, as I have a fear of being away from home now due to my experience, as well as an anxious style attachment from my mum which is pretty embarrassing to say as I’m 20  but I’m aware I use her as a safety behaviour, so I know this is good exposure even though I’m riddled with anxiety and feel the derealisation coming and going a lot.

Despite it all, I am currently at work  I’m doing quite well and I’m very proud of myself xx

 

[Summer9173]

13 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Summer,

I have been through these exact same fears about knives so many times. Don't throw them out, it'll be torture at first and you will be scared....but it'll be so worth it in the long run! Stay strong, you can do this!

Hi @malina thank you for your kind reply  I haven’t thrown them away yet, I’ve still managed to go in the kitchen, however I feel extremely anxious regardless of everything. I think it’s the idea of being isolated and on my own without anywhere to run and nobody knowing I have OCD. I’ve heard some people say they love living alone with harm OCD as they get the thoughts around people, however with me I think I use my family as a safety behaviour?

 

I feel like I’m flooding the fear this week rather than doing the slow gradual technique of cbt, I don’t know if it’s making me feel worse or better?

[snowbear]

6 hours ago, Summer9173 said:

I went on a school trip for a week were certain things happened and we wasn’t allowed to contact home, safe to say it did leave me traumatised and I was extremely anxious for a very long time after. I think this is something I’d like to discuss with my therapist now, as I have a fear of being away from home now due to my experience, as well as an anxious style attachment from my mum

I think discussing this with your therapist is a very good idea.   Sounds to me like you've developed a core belief that you can't cope with things on your own or without someone around to reassure you. This is of course nonsense and when our core beliefs are faulty we need to challenge them and change them.

[Summer9173]

Thank you everybody, I find myself habituating to the fear a lot more as I still have my Dad in the house, however he’s working an overnight shift tonight and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach to be at home on my own, I don’t want to be on my own I’m so scared  what if I hurt somebody