Doubt monster

[RyRy]

Hello! I have been diagnosed with OCD / depression and have been medicated for such for a few months now.

Initially I had been seen by therapists for social anxiety/anxiety although it was said that I don't seem very anxious.

I'm just curious if anyone else has problems with compulsively thinking that something is wrong with them mentally outside of OCD like they may be a psychopath or have a worse mental health condition? Sometimes I find myself googling symptoms and other disorders but then I feel like if I google these symptoms etc then im more inclined to act them out or obsess about some aspects of my life that may connect with a particular symptom etc. 

Also i'm a bit worried that if i just say to myself, "oh that's just my ocd", its not that bad or it's just my ocd then when is there space to make positive changes? Like self compassion is nice but also how do you motivate yourself to actually change or know what is your ocd or what is actually going on?

I'm worried about how i'm affecting people around me and don't want to just push the worries away. i can't help but think that living with OCD if it is OCD will be there for the rest of my life because it's exhausting.

[DRS1]

6 minutes ago, RyRy said:

Hello! I have been diagnosed with OCD / depression and have been medicated for such for a few months now.

Initially I had been seen by therapists for social anxiety/anxiety although it was said that I don't seem very anxious.

I'm just curious if anyone else has problems with compulsively thinking that something is wrong with them mentally outside of OCD like they may be a psychopath or have a worse mental health condition? Sometimes I find myself googling symptoms and other disorders but then I feel like if I google these symptoms etc then im more inclined to act them out or obsess about some aspects of my life that may connect with a particular symptom etc. 

Also i'm a bit worried that if i just say to myself, "oh that's just my ocd", its not that bad or it's just my ocd then when is there space to make positive changes? Like self compassion is nice but also how do you motivate yourself to actually change or know what is your ocd or what is actually going on?

I'm worried about how i'm affecting people around me and don't want to just push the worries away. i can't help but think that living with OCD if it is OCD will be there for the rest of my life because it's exhausting.

This is a classic OCD thing. What if it's not OCD? What if its something far worse and the idea of having / being diagnosed with OCD is all an elaborate lie that we are somehow telling ourselves. It's just the same old garbage from OCD to get you to do compulsions. Compulsions that don't work like ruminating and compulsively googling or researching can feel that they bring on more anxiety than they do completely prevent it and that for me at least was because I could never get "an answer" that was enough. It was never and is never enough for OCD.

 

I think its just about paying attention to what your values. Do you value compulsions? Or are you sick and tired of listening to OCD. For me, I simply had enough of the compulsions and all the avoidance and ruminating and checking for arousal that I was doing when it just didn't make sense. No one else without OCD was doing these things and so it was no longer reasonable. Once I did ERP once, it was enough to prove that I can tolerate things without compulsions and so after that I began to trust ERP and I trust it wholeheartedly now. That for me was my motivation. I simply wanted my life back and I was willing to take that risk that OCD could be right, or OCD could be a liar.

 

Do not worry about affecting others around you. You need to concentrate on your own self first. If you aren't getting better then it's probably not helping overall with others around you. Don't push the "worries" away. Bring the intrusive thoughts, images, sensations back up intentionally especially when you get triggered and do a compulsion. It's strange as someone who has experienced mainly harm and sexual intrusive thoughts and images to be utterly unphased by them now when they do happen. That's not to say I've got out of the woods, I haven't. I've had it over the last few days where I get an intrusive thought that I am going to go insane just because I'm congested and that I need to do everything I can to prevent that as that would be bad... OCD is very very weird and really is nonsensical. You're not going to not have these intrusive thoughts, images, sensations etc. ever again as that's not human. I think if you can get to the point where you can accept them even if they are annoying, it's fine. I still don't like experiencing them, it's annoying more than anything else at this point but its only a thought or an image or a sensation. Right now even as I'm typing this response, OCD has me fearing my elbow will lock up and that's causing more attention to the sensations in my arm and yet I'm still doing what I value right now despite that.

 

To me if OCD is manageable, then I can live my life anyway. It doesn't matter how often it wants to pop up, it can be there all day if it wants but it doesn't mean that we can't live our lives. With ERP I've found that it becomes an automatic response rather than something you need to actively spend a lot of energy on over time so it should get a bit less exhausting hopefully for you. Sorry for the ridiculously long response, I have a  bit of a tendency to try and cover the points in messages in a clear way but sometimes I ramble  

[NotRock]

11 hours ago, RyRy said:

I'm just curious if anyone else has problems with compulsively thinking that something is wrong with them mentally outside of OCD like they may be a psychopath or have a worse mental health condition?

At the beginning, before understanding and experience OCD for a while with awareness, a lot of people with OCD have though that.

 

11 hours ago, RyRy said:

Sometimes I find myself googling symptoms and other disorders

This a an OCD compulsion (checking). Try not to do it, it is not heping you.

 

11 hours ago, RyRy said:

Also i'm a bit worried that if i just say to myself, "oh that's just my ocd", its not that bad or it's just my ocd then when is there space to make positive changes?

OCD avoids you make positive changes because it puts you thinking inside your head. Making positive changes requires you act, and thats is only possible when you are not trapped in your head. So yes, its totally ok to say "oh that's just my ocd" --> and then go and act according to your values and the things that are important for you.

If you find yourself rumminating it can an "alarm" for you to remember that you should be doing something more useful, you can think for 5 seconds what important thing you can do now and go for it instead of rumminating, checking, or any other compulsion.

11 hours ago, RyRy said:

i can't help but think that living with OCD if it is OCD will be there for the rest of my life because it's exhausting.

OCD (understanding it like generation of intrusive thoughts, feelings etc) is for the rest of your life, suffering (believe and worry about it) is not. This is like this people any single person in earth has intrusive thoughs, feeling, urges etc. but most of people dont give them power and just ignore them like ramdom things produced  by our brain.

 

This is my answer before reading @DRS1, I totally agree with him and hopefully you will find more complete info in his answer.

10 hours ago, DRS1 said:

but sometimes I ramble  

I thank you any single word you wrote

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by NotRock