Anger outburst!

[phillev]

This week has been very stressful at my workplace due to a staff shortage and being extremely busy, basically non stop phone calls, awkward customers. It's pretty much been a pressure cooker atmosphere and on Thursday after dealing with one such customer who thinks the sun shines out of her own backside and tried to drop me in it with my boss I snapped and said "I'm gonna strangle someone in a minute" out of pure anger. Guess what OCD has grabbed hold and the guilt and self loathing thoughts have taken over.

 

Please tell me how to diffuse this and get on with my life. Thanks for any advice.

[DRS1]

4 hours ago, phillev said:

This week has been very stressful at my workplace due to a staff shortage and being extremely busy, basically non stop phone calls, awkward customers. It's pretty much been a pressure cooker atmosphere and on Thursday after dealing with one such customer who thinks the sun shines out of her own backside and tried to drop me in it with my boss I snapped and said "I'm gonna strangle someone in a minute" out of pure anger. Guess what OCD has grabbed hold and the guilt and self loathing thoughts have taken over.

 

Please tell me how to diffuse this and get on with my life. Thanks for any advice.

You can see how OCD did this. With OCD, you can no longer say statements of things you wouldn't actually do as saying something is just as bad as having done the action itself. Now, of course we know this is just one of OCD's stupid tricks to get you doing compulsions but as tough as it seems, approaching it with maybe I will do that, maybe I won't is a good course of action to take instead of the compulsions. Think about why everyone else without OCD is allowed to say these meaningless things out of frustration but somehow you are not. Does that seem reasonable?

[phillev]

3 hours ago, DRS1 said:

You can see how OCD did this. With OCD, you can no longer say statements of things you wouldn't actually do as saying something is just as bad as having done the action itself. Now, of course we know this is just one of OCD's stupid tricks to get you doing compulsions but as tough as it seems, approaching it with maybe I will do that, maybe I won't is a good course of action to take instead of the compulsions. Think about why everyone else without OCD is allowed to say these meaningless things out of frustration but somehow you are not. Does that seem reasonable?

Certainly does and thanks for the reply, my biggest OCD fear is hurting someone so this was such a daft thing to say and that's the biggest issue I struggle with and it's a horrible thing to come out with in the first place. Does it make me sound like an evil person?

[DRS1]

1 minute ago, phillev said:

Certainly does and thanks for the reply, my biggest OCD fear is hurting someone so this was such a daft thing to say and that's the biggest issue I struggle with and it's a horrible thing to come out with in the first place. Does it make me sound like an evil person?

Now you're subtly asking for reassurance of which I'm not going to give as that will assist your OCD and I don't feel like giving any more time to mine or anyone else's OCD. I'm more than happy to give time for myself and for others but not the OCD specifically. I'd refer back to my second sentence in my first response. Why is it you are questioning whether or not you are sounding like an evil person but others without OCD saying similar things aren't?

[phillev]

I suppose what I'm getting at is that it's not a normal thing to say, I wasn't actually thinking of anyone at the time and just blurted it out, perhaps if Putin had been there I'd have been very tempted but I was surrounded by supporting work colleagues so I feel I may be losing it somewhat hence the anxiety. Does that make sense?

Edited October 15, 2022 by phillev

[DRS1]

1 minute ago, phillev said:

I suppose what I'm getting at is that it's not a normal thing to say, I wasn't actually thinking of anyone at the time and just blurted it out, perhaps if Putin had been there I'd have been very tempted but I was surrounded by supporting work colleagues so I feel I may be losing it somewhat hence the anxiety. Does that make sense?

Actually no it doesn't make sense. Would it be not normal for others without OCD to say things like that?

[DRS1]

41 minutes ago, DRS1 said:

Actually no it doesn't make sense. Would it be not normal for others without OCD to say things like that?

I should add it does make sense why you think that but for everyone else without OCD it doesn't make sense.

[phillev]

1 hour ago, DRS1 said:

Actually no it doesn't make sense. Would it be not normal for others without OCD to say things like that?

I've never heard anyone else say it, I'm just confused about what it says about me as a person to come out with it in the first place. Nobody else has replied other than yourself and thanks for your input but I genuinely hate myself at the moment.

Edited October 15, 2022 by phillev

[DRS1]

19 minutes ago, phillev said:

I've never heard anyone else say it, I'm just confused about what it says about me as a person to come out with it in the first place. Nobody else has replied other than yourself and thanks for your input but I genuinely hate myself at the moment.

I'm surprised you've never heard anyone say anything like that. I grew up playing video games so stuff like that wasn't uncommon to hear at all. You need to look at it for what it is. It's just a meaningless statement. You applied meaning to it by judging it as something that is intolerable to say but that doesn't necessarily mean that then it is that way in reality for everyone else.

 

I could say I like ducks as a statement but that doesn't mean anything about me. It doesn't mean I necessarily actually like ducks, it's just a statement I made. What you are worried about and doing compulsions over is not any different.

[phillev]

But surely it's the contents of the statement that carry the meaning? If it was a statement such as your example it's a pretty harmless thing to say but in my anger the contents of mine were anything but, hence the guilt.

[DRS1]

29 minutes ago, phillev said:

But surely it's the contents of the statement that carry the meaning? If it was a statement such as your example it's a pretty harmless thing to say but in my anger the contents of mine were anything but, hence the guilt.

Nope, the content doesn't matter. Your actions do. You were frustrated and said something without really thinking what you were saying. That happens. That's human. The content never ever matters that's an OCD thing. It's the same trap as different intrusive thoughts, images, sensations content being slightly different and that meaning something i.e. someone having thoughts of harm viewing that as different to the thoughts of contamination. The content is different but one isn't worse than the other. The content still means nothing.

[phillev]

If only I could get it through my head that what you are saying is true, it's like a mental block I can't break down, every time I replay it I get a massive anxiety spike! 

Edited October 15, 2022 by phillev

[DRS1]

6 minutes ago, phillev said:

If only I could get it through my head that what you are saying is true, it's like a mental block I can't break down, every time I replay it I get a massive anxiety spike! 

and that's normal to feel that anxiety but the more you do the compulsions of questioning whether or not it was bad or whether it means you are a bad person, that anxiety is going to keep coming back as strong if not stronger. When you do ERP for these types of things, you obviously will get a lot of anxiety but you will be more comfortable feeling uncomfortable. I get where you are at though. It's difficult even with the knowledge of these things to be feeling ready to take the risk that OCD is wrong. Knowing logically that it isn't the case is one thing but it's just not enough for OCD. Proving to yourself that OCD is a liar takes the exposure and response prevention part. 

[northpaul]

1 hour ago, DRS1 said:

The content never ever matters that's an OCD thing

I am not sure that the content never ever matters. I would think that in some circumstances the comment "I'm gonna strangle someone in a minute"  could even be an arrestable offence.  In itself the comment is not an OCD thing.  The constantly going over it may be.

[phillev]

8 hours ago, northpaul said:

I am not sure that the content never ever matters. I would think that in some circumstances the comment "I'm gonna strangle someone in a minute"  could even be an arrestable offence.  In itself the comment is not an OCD thing.  The constantly going over it may be.

You've just made me feel a whole lot worse!

[gingerbreadgirl]

9 hours ago, northpaul said:

I am not sure that the content never ever matters. I would think that in some circumstances the comment "I'm gonna strangle someone in a minute"  could even be an arrestable offence.  In itself the comment is not an OCD thing.  The constantly going over it may be.

Extremely unhelpful comment in my opinion given the poster's concerns. 

[northpaul]

5 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Extremely unhelpful comment in my opinion given the poster's concerns. 

So is it unhelpful to people who are having treatment for thoughts of harm?  This being a publicly viewable forum, you never know who is monitoring it.

[phillev]

No excuses for what I said and I understand that, but as I said it was a comment I made without even thinking about it, no way would I ever do such a thing and funnily enough after saying it I forgot about it for a while. The OCD grabbed hold when I got home.

[DRS1]

10 minutes ago, northpaul said:

So is it unhelpful to people who are having treatment for thoughts of harm?  This being a publicly viewable forum, you never know who is monitoring it.

Yes but I was referring to specifically OCD and even in general when people make meaningless statements. That's when content doesn't matter..

 

As for the monitoring comment I do find what you have said to be very damaging there. Considering how open people can be on the forum describing their intrusive thoughts, images and sensations and a lot of that where the content of it is taboo, I think the statement you have made about monitoring could prevent people from posting what they are dealing with on the forum which I'm pretty sure no one on here wants that.

 

I'll even go directly to the heart of the problem with that. If someone is having sexually intrusive images about something taboo or about harming someone, by what you have said it  further "confirms" their fears that it really could be true because if it's being monitored then they very well could be arrested etc. That's not particularly great for those with OCD. To me that's as bad as the negative experience I had from talk therapy. On this forum the assumption is made that anyone who comes here has OCD.

 

The monitoring comment might have prevented me from posting as I would've lost the confidence to post even anonymously about my experiences when replying to other people. Yet what I have disclosed about my own experience is normal with OCD but what if someone "monitoring" it doesn't it see it that way and doesn't know about OCD? You can see the rabbit hole that is easy to go down.

 

To be clear too, none of us are medical professionals, none of us can diagnose or treat people, none of us are equipped to deal with suicide prevention and none of us are able to know what to do in the event of other things happening i.e. psychosis or someone not having OCD and carrying out the things that OCD people are afraid of.

 

If it sounds like OCD we should be approaching it like OCD, especially when users of the forum mention it specifically in their posts. 

 

People are already terrified of their obsessions when they come onto the forum, there is no use in exacerbating that with unhelpful comments about them being monitored.

[phillev]

I suppose my biggest question is how to knock this on the head anxiety wise and convince myself I'm not a bad person for saying it?

[DRS1]

17 minutes ago, phillev said:

I suppose my biggest question is how to knock this on the head anxiety wise and convince myself I'm not a bad person for saying it?

You can't convince yourself. OCD will never accept it. You just have to live in the uncertainty of it. ERP is a great way to knock it on its head anxiety wise though.

[northpaul]

10 minutes ago, phillev said:

I suppose my biggest question is how to knock this on the head anxiety wise

In terms of OCD, what I would do to stop that repeat thinking of going over and over things is to divert my attention on to something positive.  Right now I am going to get on with a few jobs in my home then watch live football at lunchtime, have a nice lunch. By then any anxiety I have will most likely have greatly reduced. 

[phillev]

2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Extremely unhelpful comment in my opinion given the poster's concerns. 

Thanks for the support everyone, what are your thoughts gingerbreadgirl? You've always been very helpful in the past.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi phillev

My view is the same as DRS1 who's given some great advice I think. My ocd has latched onto this kind of thing in the past - and I know it feels absolutely ESSENTIAL that you find a way to resolve it / put it to bed. The hard truth though is that you will never get complete certainty. You will only start to feel better when you leave it be, let the uncertainty be, let the discomfort be - let it all be. And don't go back to it no matter how tempting or how loud your brain screams at you. The longer you can do this, the more the anxiety will fade and the less this will bother you. Maybe find something distracting to do today if you can. I know this is much much easier said than done - it can feel impossible when in the middle of it - but just try to take a leap of faith if you can xx

[phillev]

31 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi phillev

My view is the same as DRS1 who's given some great advice I think. My ocd has latched onto this kind of thing in the past - and I know it feels absolutely ESSENTIAL that you find a way to resolve it / put it to bed. The hard truth though is that you will never get complete certainty. You will only start to feel better when you leave it be, let the uncertainty be, let the discomfort be - let it all be. And don't go back to it no matter how tempting or how loud your brain screams at you. The longer you can do this, the more the anxiety will fade and the less this will bother you. Maybe find something distracting to do today if you can. I know this is much much easier said than done - it can feel impossible when in the middle of it - but just try to take a leap of faith if you can xx

Thank you, I know I need to work hard at this and maybe I can use it as a turning point in my fight against this awful condition. No more tears I need to try harder!