19 Year old Son with OCD and Violent outbursts refusing help

[Paul93]

I have a 19 year old son who is constantly washing his hands and has long showers. He can easily spend 2 hours in the shower.

He can be argumentative and violent against myself and has signs of being very racist towards people.

'Prevent' are aware of my son and have provided very little help and advice for him and myself.

I have asked my son to get help by speaking the Doctors and other people but he refuses every time. 

I feel that the local council are not doing anything to help which according to the National Health Service and Community Care Act 1990 it has a duty to assess people for social care and support.

As my son is 19 years old, the only thing i can think of getting him help is if i phone the ambulance (999) when he is having an outburst/in the shower for long periods so they can take him away and assess him.

Does anyone else have any ideas??

[Ashley]

Hello Paul,

I am not sure who Prevent are, is that a local NHS service?  I think the problem is that no matter how much we force a loved one to seek therapy, it's nearly always going to fail unless the person with OCD was invested in wanting to engage in therapy.  

That doesnt help you I know, but sometimes I encourage family members in this situation to try and understand why they are reluctant to get help, in my case (similar showering compulsions) I was too embarrassed to talk about it.  Does your son accept he has OCD?   If he does then that's a starting point to work towards conversations about seeking help.   But understanding his reluctance is a good first step, and then you can work from there. 

 

 

[Lynz]

I'm assuming Prevent are the counter-terrorism agency? As Paul said his son has been racist to people so I'm assuming that he's been accessing right wing terrorist related stuff online and that is why Prevent are involved?

I could be completely wrong about that but that's how I interpreted the post, and the only agency called "Prevent" that I'm aware of is the counter terrorism one.

Prevent have a duty to quite literally prevent people from committing terrorist acts, so they would get involved at the stage of trying to prevent people from actually committing any crimes but when there might be warning signs. They're quite active in schools, colleges and healthcare settings. As a nurse and teacher I've had tons of Prevent training so I'm quite familiar with it. Most people think that it's Islamic terrorism that's the main threat in the UK but there's also an equally high threat from far right terrorism as well.

[Paul93]

Yes you are correct about 'Prevent'. My son is getting worse and walks around the house saying 'Kill the Jews' and drive over the black people. Its getting really out of control. Just waiting to phone the Police or call for an ambulance the next time my son has a 4 hour shower. His shower usage is getting better, he is spending 1.5 hours instead.

He threatens me on a daily basis and has said jokingly he will go into a shop and shoot people. Just shocking with what he says and he is escaping the 'system'.

 

[Hal]

Hi Paul,

Do you feel there is genuine intent in what your son is threatening, or could he be saying these things because he knows just how shocking they are and the attention it's going to generate? I'm clutching at straws here...but it did occur to me that maybe on some level he wants the decision to be made for him to get help. Going the police route is probably the worst option (unless he is a serious risk to himself or others) when it comes to mental health, and you can't call them for the length of time it's taking him to shower...but calling an ambulance might at least as you say get him properly assessed.

Does he have any mates who know what's going-on who could also possibly have a chat with him and steer him towards talking to his GP?

[debdebdeb]

I feel for your son and you and your family. 

My son 34 sounds like your son. We had so much damage in the home.

My son 34 has long showers.

He said the utter devastation in his brain change was unimaginable.  OCD literally invaded his life. All his dreams in the sewer because of OCD plus social anxiety.

He has also screamed dreadful stuff on a par with your son and worse. My son says all the overload in his head spills over.

My son sabatouges himself because he considers himself a waste of space a failure.  Plus drug taking has been a huge issue. His drugs are to feel normal not to get a high. 

He is very opinionated and says with his angry outbursts he will smash anything close by tv door window etc because he says his brain is going to literally burst and the outburst of anger cuts that feeling in his brain.

He has never sought help except to keep me quiet. When he has gone the few times he has he says the therapist is talking and his ocd brain is talking and he can never just listen.

OCD Ashley said that a proper OCD specialist would be better as they know how to understand rather than any therapist we think they understand!

My son has lost all his friends and he avoids his family.

He sees me and he has a girlfriend now and looking back I struggle to see what we could have done differently except really early on get on board with understanding ocd which 95% if not more dont.

I am on an app that covers many topics

Reddit 

r/ocdreddit is very useful for asking from people with ocd.

I am very upfront with my son ocd thoughts and as he says his brain is not his own.

This last 6 months he has come off drugs and is trying to help himself more. I have consistently over the years not judged him, including drugs and have some boundaries.  I accept his long showers etc but also don't pander and I don't reassure.

I was getting worn out but decided to not worry. He threatens suicide.  The last time he did. I said calmly that's your choice not mine. I would be very upset but my life would  carry on. 

Make sure you care for yourself and know that its an extract horrendous disorder to have but detach to keep your sanity.

My son went to prison 3 times and that did him no favours.

Obviously with his Prevent etc behaviour I can't suggest anything because we are all different. 

Know on as many doors as possible to try and get people to help. 

OCD UK is a godsend at times

I wish you all well.

 

 

 

 

[snowbear]

On 26/10/2022 at 17:10, Paul93 said:

He can be argumentative and violent against myself and has signs of being very racist towards people.

8 hours ago, debdebdeb said:

He says with his angry outbursts he will smash anything close by tv door window etc because he says his brain is going to literally burst and the outburst of anger cuts that feeling in his brain.

 

Hi Paul93 and debdebdeb,

It's very understandable that OCD can make people feel angry. Young men in particular often struggle with frustration and resort to physical or verbal outbursts to relieve the stress they are feeling.

I'm interested in scientific research. There's been a lot of research in the last 2 decades into emotions and their management, including anger/ frustration. Interestingly, they've found that expressing anger prolongs the feeling rather than relieving it.

Seems counterintuitive, I know! We can all relate to smashing things up making us feel better. But the science has shown that anger is a state of high emotional arousal and smashing things / reacting verbally increases that arousal. Any sense of relief comes from feeling that you are taking back control.

So, instead of being forced to tolerate our childrens' physical/verbal expression of anger, a useful intervention parents can do is to teach their child how to take back control in more acceptable and useful ways.

The main recommendations are:

- time out and deep breathing to slow the heart and reduce arousal

- physical exercise to 'burn off' the arousal

- when feeling less aroused, take a few moments to reframe the experience/ thoughts/ feelings

Reframing is about changing our thinking (something we tackle in the cognitive or 'C' part of CBT.) 

The steps are: 

- recognise and name the emotion

-look at it through a calmer emotional lens

- see it from a different angle (take it as a challenge to think of as many alternative viewpoints as possible!)

- and consider alternative ways of reacting based on one of those new viewpoints.

It's all about convincing the angry person to take that moment of 'time out'. To be willing to solve their problem by calming themselves and finding an acceptable solution instead of trying to problem solve by resorting to violence or revenge (which only brings new problems and doesn't sort the original one.)

[debdebdeb]

Your information is useful and I will discuss this with him. Thankyou 

[snowbear]

11 minutes ago, debdebdeb said:

Your information is useful and I will discuss this with him. Thankyou 

You're welcome.

One more thing I should have said. When I wrote 'express verbally' above I meant being verbally abusive.

It's ok to calmly express the fact that you are feeling angry. That's part of naming your emotion. 

[Angst]

‘Letting of steam’ and I ‘reached boiling point’ are two of many expressions expressing the hydraulic theory of emotions where emotions are seen as a kind of pressure cooker that need to be released to relieve pressure. A cathartic cleansing and release of pent up emotions contained in the body. There is evidence that this does not work. It is a commonly held belief in the West. But if there is a pent up or highly energised emotion or the feelings or sensation of them. I have found being physically active in a non aggressive way can be helpful - go for a brisk walk, go for a run, do training to ‘drain away’ the energy. Then when calm reflect on the experiences or interpretation of them that caused the upset.

Edited February 5, 2023 by Angst