I feel like I am bad person

[Cora]

All my thoughts, feelings and actions make me feel like I am bad person. It makes me both angry and upset to live every day as if I'm as horrible as criminals, abusers, serial killers and people that have weird sexual interests. I'm losing hope that I'm normal. What I deal with daily is incredibly disgusting and I feel like I don't belong in the normal, regular crowd. I'm slowly losing my identity because all I have is thoughts, feelings, sensations and actions that I can't digest/comprehend anymore. I seem to enjoy my thoughts and create mini (inappropriate) scenarios that would repulse anyone.

Take for example my last post: why did I keep touching that man's arm even though I knew I was making him uncomfortable? Why didn't I stop? Or take another example. I had a sexual intrusive thought about my dad and when the feeling of enjoyment came in, I didn't fight it but liked it and transformed into an incestuous scenario. Why does my brain do that? Or when I went to visit my uncle and his wife and felt like I wanted to keep thinking about them having sex even though a part was telling me I needed to stop? 

I want to have regular worries. I want a different life. 

I don't think I'm doing too well...

[Mini]

You are definitely not a bad person. I feel for you as I’m going through something similar. It’s the OCD bully and please don’t be afraid of your thoughts. 
 

[Cora]

Hi @Mini, 

Thank you for your reply and kindness. 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. 

1 hour ago, Mini said:

don’t be afraid of your thoughts. 

I'm trying but I feel like I have no control anymore. I even have moments where if I'm really anxious I accidently say things (related to my thoughts, feelings and sensations) out loud so I feel like OCD (or whatever it is) is now in full control mode. And I also feel like my morals have changed, too. Nothing makes sense anymore. 

Edited October 31, 2022 by Cora

[Mini]

You are not alone @CoraI feel like my personality has changed. My mind is constantly having unkind thoughts about people. I don’t know whether it’s my hormones or the ocd giving me thoughts and feelings that I don’t want all the time. I hate being this way.