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So confused by such a weird theme


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Basically a few years ago I was about 38 and I remember briefly talking to a 59 year old woman on a night out and I remember thinking she was quite tidy for her age !  Few years on and I’ve become obsessed that when I masturbated later that night I was thinking about her! I can’t remember  and I don’t think I did !!  But where this has been playing on my mind so much I also started getting aroused while I was thinking about it  which has made feel even more guilt ! I’ve had such a terrible year of ocd and I’ve confessed so much to my poor wife! I really don’t think she would care if I did tell her but the urge is so strong ! I thought I would burden the forum first ! I know even this is a compulsion but I’m so desperate for some help or advice I feel so sad ! This post is so tragic and pathetic but unfortunately that’s where I am it doesn’t even make sense  anymore I’m just at my wits end ! It’s like I’ve confessed everything I can so ocd is clutching at straws and still winning 

 

 

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Everything you say shrieks OCD.

It's all nothing more than complete mental junk bluegrass. 

The obsessional thinking I am bad, I could have done this, my wife would be horrified etc.

If you had masturbated or if you hadn't,  so what,  it's normal behaviour anyway, people do that and don't think bad about themselves.

And you can see all the compulsions you are carrying out. Ruminating, confessing,  seeking reassurance. 

We are not responsible for our OCD thoughts I have put that in bold to emphasise the point. We need to label them as OCD, reattribute them to OCD, accept them as just mental junk, show ourselves some compassion and drop the compulsions.

Work on that and you will break the hold of the OCD.

Edited by taurean
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Thanks for the reply Taurean I’m just having a really tough time and ocd is Taking me out at all angles ! It will be something else tomorrow! I’ve followed this forum for years and I’ve always been impressed by your calm measured approach to every one so a reply from you really means a lot thank you !

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What I would like you to do now bluegrass is give yourself a hug. Apply some love kindness to yourself, because as is the general case with OCD we are the flip side of what OCD seeks to tell us.

We aren't bad. Our true characters are extant.

Here is something you can do to work yourself off the obsessions and compulsions and get your life back.

Like the true elements of CBT I just laid out to you, it is simple, anyone can easily do it. 

It's called compassion-focused therapy. 

There are three elements to it. The drive which pushes us to try and fix our obsessions with compulsions, which never works.

There is the distressing response, which causes anxiety and upset. 

And there is soothe - the beneficial distractions and relaxing things you could be doing.

The more soothe you can busy yourself with, and at the same time enjoy, the less time will you have for strengthening the effects of the OCD with intrusive thoughts and compulsions.

And by the way, go give your wife a hug. The pressure our nearest and dearest suffer because of the effects upon them of our OCD is never enough considered.  It's tough for them, and they only ever want us to try and get better.

Now you know what you need to do, tell her and seek her support - but not reassurance and not forgiveness ( it's not needed as it isn't your fault, it's OCD's fault). And really determine to apply this line of thinking. 

Because it works. But only when people truly believe and apply it religiously,  cutting out the compulsions, not believing the obsessions. 

 

Edited by taurean
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Thanks again been struggling so much the last 3 years ocd has really had me in its grips if it was not for the fact of 2 teenage boys I really wonder if I would even still be here every day is a challenge and the urge to confess every thought fantasies even real stuff that has actually happened to my wife is so strong and I’ve already burdened her with so much ! I don’t look forward to any thing I just function! But  I’m so desperate for some kind of life I’m really going to take on board what you have said to me I really appreciate it and will definitely read it again to remind myself thank you

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Even now the theme has changed! 
years ago when I was bored I went into chat rooms and had adult conversations with woman at the time I really thought it was harmless fun ! When I realised what I was doing was wrong the guilt built up so much I ended up confessing to my wife and she was understandably quite mad but she got over it and moved on . But it’s always been a fantasy when I have alone time that I meet a woman in a hotel room that I met online and we do all the stuff we talked about!  Now ocd has put a massive link between the two telling me I need to tell her!  I’m not gonna go on how bad I am or I’m a horrible person but this horrible feeling ocd produces just gets me down!! It’s not anxiety just this horrible grey cloud that nothing is right and I can’t enjoy anything until this is sorted!  

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On 20/11/2022 at 10:29, bluegas said:

Even now the theme has changed! 
years ago when I was bored I went into chat rooms and had adult conversations with woman at the time I really thought it was harmless fun ! When I realised what I was doing was wrong the guilt built up so much I ended up confessing to my wife and she was understandably quite mad but she got over it and moved on . But it’s always been a fantasy when I have alone time that I meet a woman in a hotel room that I met online and we do all the stuff we talked about!  Now ocd has put a massive link between the two telling me I need to tell her!  I’m not gonna go on how bad I am or I’m a horrible person but this horrible feeling ocd produces just gets me down!! It’s not anxiety just this horrible grey cloud that nothing is right and I can’t enjoy anything until this is sorted!  

It's an event that happened. OCD causing you to feel guilt forever though is not justified. Whether you view that as good or bad at the time versus now just means your values towards those things have changed. Secondly a fantasy is... well a fantasy. It doesn't mean you would necessarily do that in person. It's something you could even talk to your wife about in terms of role play if that's something that you and your wife would find appealing. It's not going to get sorted though. There's no magic fix to this because its the constant guilt that's the problem, not necessarily the event or a fantasy you have. You need to work on not taking those feelings of guilt you experience as deserved facts because its simply not true.

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4 minutes ago, DRS1 said:

It's an event that happened. OCD causing you to feel guilt forever though is not justified. Whether you view that as good or bad at the time versus now just means your values towards those things have changed. Secondly a fantasy is... well a fantasy. It doesn't mean you would necessarily do that in person. It's something you could even talk to your wife about in terms of role play if that's something that you and your wife would find appealing. It's not going to get sorted though. There's no magic fix to this because its the constant guilt that's the problem, not necessarily the event or a fantasy you have. You need to work on not taking those feelings of guilt you experience as deserved facts because its simply not true.

To be clearer on what I mean, OCD guilt is something that you get to decide whether or not it is something that is justified to be applied to you. I really liked separating OCD from me as a person and also making it into its own entity for reasons like this. You don't want to be trying to figure it out but you've clearly identified that the guilt you experience doesn't seem to be coming from anywhere but OCD. Just like having thoughts, images, etc., having intrusive feelings like unjustified and prolonged guilt is just a feeling. It doesn't have to mean anything. In fact, don't rely on your feelings because OCD has likely hijacked them. Rely on your values instead.

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Thanks these are well thought out answers and really helpful to me! as for my values ! I’m really not sure any more as I’ve really lost track on what’s right and  what’s wrong !! I really have no idea what should be confessed and what shouldn’t! I’m now obsessing about the fact I used to masturbate after going in these chatrooms and even thou it was years ago I feel I can’t relax until I tell my wife ! If it wasn’t this it be something else! Ocd is so debilitating just takes over my whole life and I’m really struggling to see the point any more 

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15 minutes ago, bluegas said:

Thanks these are well thought out answers and really helpful to me! as for my values ! I’m really not sure any more as I’ve really lost track on what’s right and  what’s wrong !! I really have no idea what should be confessed and what shouldn’t! I’m now obsessing about the fact I used to masturbate after going in these chatrooms and even thou it was years ago I feel I can’t relax until I tell my wife ! If it wasn’t this it be something else! Ocd is so debilitating just takes over my whole life and I’m really struggling to see the point any more 

It does get better though. Confessing to your wife will only make it worse as all you are doing is the compulsions at that point. As hard as it is, not confessing is the solution. By stopping listening to OCD and its different games it plays to get you back into the cycle it definitely improves. It probably feels urgent and overwhelming to not confess but trust me that reduces over time. As for the values thing. Let's take a look at just one simple thing. You used to value talking to people in chat rooms, now you don't. You clearly value having your wife as the key thing that is coming across to me at least is how much you care about your wife and not doing anything that jeopardizes the relationship you have with her. That doesn't mean OCD gets to have the reigns here to avoid any of that happening because frankly OCD is stupid. 

 

Without doing compulsions especially confessing, have you spoken to your wife at all about OCD and what you go through generally and how debilitating it is? If she is aware of the condition and the way it can be thought content wise then she can actually help you in the recovery by not engaging with any confession attempt you make or reassurance seeking. Seems brutal but by doing that she is actually helping you. In general for these confessions, if there is urgency behind it, its a compulsion so stop. It might feel relieving to confess it temporarily but its just going to build back up.

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I do understand  What your saying!! My wife is pretty understanding of ocd this year has been so tough I’ve had quite a few med changes! I think my head is completely spun out ! This latest obsession is just a long list of things that has troubled me this year! Normally my ocd is quite dormant through the year and raises his  ugly head at Christmas or when I go on holiday !  I really do appreciate your response I’m so lost confused and pretty much at the end of my teather with life I just wanted to share in here to try and just get some support! And then the lack of reply’s just made me feel even more worthless than I already do ! So your time really means a lot thank you 

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