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I've been truly weighting up suicide for a while


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I have just sat playing the same song for about an hour crying. Ive struggled with ocd since I was 8. It manifested in me constantly having to go down to my mother and tell her everything I had done, as I felt I may have done something wrong to someone, or said something wrong. It was followed by do you get me? get me? get me? When she told me she "got me" I could then move on. My dad mocked me.

In my teenage years my ocd took the shape of POCD, and to be honest with you I was very confused about who I was. I had no inclination of what was happening to me, and my parents tended to just ignore me and my problems. I internalised all my rituals and went to great lengths to stay away from kids. I had developed the fear that I had somehow done something subconsciously and my mind would then craft memories that suggested I had. I also would get intrusive thoughts convincing me I wanted to do something. I wanted to tell my parents but when I told them about my bad thoughts they said, "they arent sexual are they".

At 16 we would have a family member over every week, and my thoughts warped into me thinking I had done something to them, I could never let it go. I iwish I could but letting it go was akin to allowing the possibility I had which I think truly for my own pride I couldn't probably more than anything and my own guilt. But remember Im a teenager with no understanding of what is happening to me, and not once did my parents every try to help me.

I literally felt like I had and began to have "memories". On reflection the memories were never true at that time. I wanted to say please dont have this person round, but I also couldnt accept I had a problem, for me accepting I had that problem, in my mind I could fight it, in my mind it was my fault. At 17, I couldnt live with this thought and had to check the door when they were present and emulate the scenario without doing the scenario to see if I "remembered", but in the midst of this I had this urge and feeling that I wanted to do something to which I would fight constantly. For 10 years I feel I have now done something and I cannot determine if I had or hadnt. I wish Id have spoke to my parents and been able to explain things to them, I wish Id have said this person cant be here right now, my mind is very messed up, because the truth is I really did need help and I couldnt cope with it on my own.

I have asked the person now and they said no, but I dont believe them as I feel I have the memories. I never got to become a functioning man, at 17 when you are finding your own manhood and all this happens, I never had confidence and for over 10 years I have just existed, ALL because of this issue, It is ALWAYS there and my self loathing leads me to destructive behaviours. I have self harmed I have destroyed myself over the years, I went to the police about it. I have been stigmatised, the ocd/whatever it is, has destroyed my life and I now live half a life. My family resents me because I cannot function due to guilt, and I truly, truly sometimes really want to end it all. Had enough, there is no end in sight to this torture, sure I could stop obsessing accept ive done it or havent, but If I have... ah nobody understands. I needed help along time ago and there was none, because there is none for these issues. I live in the past and cannot move forward because I feel so ashamed damaged and many other things. Im tired of explaining my situation knowing its not going to change.

I really don't see a way out. It's a half life or no life at all. Yes ocd destroys lives that is the message of this post. My families resentment of my issues after they never helped them formulate and now resent me because I couldnt overcome it myself, has sent me into a deep depression. I wanted to be an independent person, that people respect and Im not. Infact Im alot worse than that. And I really don't see a way out.

 

 

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1 hour ago, welterwhite said:

I have just sat playing the same song for about an hour crying. Ive struggled with ocd since I was 8. It manifested in me constantly having to go down to my mother and tell her everything I had done, as I felt I may have done something wrong to someone, or said something wrong. It was followed by do you get me? get me? get me? When she told me she "got me" I could then move on. My dad mocked me.

In my teenage years my ocd took the shape of POCD, and to be honest with you I was very confused about who I was. I had no inclination of what was happening to me, and my parents tended to just ignore me and my problems. I internalised all my rituals and went to great lengths to stay away from kids. I had developed the fear that I had somehow done something subconsciously and my mind would then craft memories that suggested I had. I also would get intrusive thoughts convincing me I wanted to do something. I wanted to tell my parents but when I told them about my bad thoughts they said, "they arent sexual are they".

At 16 we would have a family member over every week, and my thoughts warped into me thinking I had done something to them, I could never let it go. I iwish I could but letting it go was akin to allowing the possibility I had which I think truly for my own pride I couldn't probably more than anything and my own guilt. But remember Im a teenager with no understanding of what is happening to me, and not once did my parents every try to help me.

I literally felt like I had and began to have "memories". On reflection the memories were never true at that time. I wanted to say please dont have this person round, but I also couldnt accept I had a problem, for me accepting I had that problem, in my mind I could fight it, in my mind it was my fault. At 17, I couldnt live with this thought and had to check the door when they were present and emulate the scenario without doing the scenario to see if I "remembered", but in the midst of this I had this urge and feeling that I wanted to do something to which I would fight constantly. For 10 years I feel I have now done something and I cannot determine if I had or hadnt. I wish Id have spoke to my parents and been able to explain things to them, I wish Id have said this person cant be here right now, my mind is very messed up, because the truth is I really did need help and I couldnt cope with it on my own.

I have asked the person now and they said no, but I dont believe them as I feel I have the memories. I never got to become a functioning man, at 17 when you are finding your own manhood and all this happens, I never had confidence and for over 10 years I have just existed, ALL because of this issue, It is ALWAYS there and my self loathing leads me to destructive behaviours. I have self harmed I have destroyed myself over the years, I went to the police about it. I have been stigmatised, the ocd/whatever it is, has destroyed my life and I now live half a life. My family resents me because I cannot function due to guilt, and I truly, truly sometimes really want to end it all. Had enough, there is no end in sight to this torture, sure I could stop obsessing accept ive done it or havent, but If I have... ah nobody understands. I needed help along time ago and there was none, because there is none for these issues. I live in the past and cannot move forward because I feel so ashamed damaged and many other things. Im tired of explaining my situation knowing its not going to change.

I really don't see a way out. It's a half life or no life at all. Yes ocd destroys lives that is the message of this post. My families resentment of my issues after they never helped them formulate and now resent me because I couldnt overcome it myself, has sent me into a deep depression. I wanted to be an independent person, that people respect and Im not. Infact Im alot worse than that. And I really don't see a way out.

 

 

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with OCD like this all this time but OCD is not worth ending your life over. EVER. It's an incredibly debilitating condition to have and yet, it get's better. Your parents didn't seem to understand OCD when you were 16 and this isn't at all an uncommon experience. You were at a point of taking anything you had intrusive thoughts about and applied them directly to you as if by just having the thoughts that you were an immoral person by your own standards. Problem is, you didn't need to apply them to you, because they weren't actually applicable to you.

 

I think you are wrong to think that you wished you could have said to your parents not to bring the people round that cause OCD triggers. This would be how OCD gets worse. That's just compulsions and compulsions do absolutely nothing to change anything or prevent anything. I would go as far as saying the only reason that it has become so debilitating because you didn't want to take the risk that it could happen.

 

You can't cause or prevent anything by doing compulsions. You can't prove or disprove enough to make OCD happy. It will never work. The key to recovery is change how you respond to these intrusions and also stop being so damn hard on yourself. OCD is incredibly difficult to challenge. 

 

 

Edited by DRS1
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I feel for you. My family didn't help me because I locked my thoughts inside. I dared not speak of the horrors in my mind. 

The child sex abuse thoughts started at 15. Before that my thoughts centered on harming friends in horrific ways. The thoughts were so real and so graphic at times I wondered if I had done bad things. Thoughts of suicide were rarely far away.

I was nearly twice as old as you are before I sought help. I learned, I worked at it and I overcame. I am free of OCD these days. I am at peace. 

There is a way out. It is a difficult road but I do not feel it is any more difficult than living with OCD. 

Take care.

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1 hour ago, welterwhite said:

Had enough, there is no end in sight to this torture, sure I could stop obsessing accept ive done it or havent, but If I have... ah nobody understands.

Are you sure about that? Do you really think nobody understands that has OCD. You don't just stop obsessing. That's ludicrous. You stop compulsions. Here's a few examples for you just to hopefully help you see how wrong your thought process is on this one and why you need to realise you aren't the only one that has this experience:

 

Do you think that when I have intrusive harm thoughts and images with knives that the anxiety and uncertainty of the fact I might somehow stab someone with it for merely holding it to cut food is any different for me than it would be for you. What about sexual images involving family members and the fact that it feels so real like it could happen or that I would want that? The risk for me to not do compulsions felt incredibly high. If I don't do compulsions then all these things I'm terrified of could possibly come true. Except as I've said, compulsions don't do anything. They don't make anyone anything. OCD fundamentally doesn't turn you into the worst version of yourself you could ever imagine.

 

As for trying to determine all this stuff and work it out. You can't. You just can't. It's no wonder why you feel like you are getting nowhere when what you are doing is still trying to fight OCD. Stop trying to fight those thoughts, feelings, images etc. It's not those that are the problem. It's your entire reaction to them.

 

If you are feeling suicidal, contact samaritans or go to your nearest hospital. There is absolutely no reason despite these circumstances why it can't get better. You need to get into therapy and work with someone that can help you with CBT and ERP.

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I'm so sorry you feel this way, I really feel for you, I know how awful OCD can be. Please contact the Samaritans, go to your nearest hospital or if there's anyone at all you can call and speak to please do... Please keep fighting this, it will get better. Take care x

Edited by LoopyJuice
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hey @welterwhite

I think the others have all given you brilliant advice and I don't have much more to add except to send you good wishes. You are not alone and you are in a space where people do understand what you're going through. This condition is treatable but you have to work hard and go through all the discomfort of challenging a way of thinking that you have built up throughout your life. It isn't easy but it's much better than the alternative.

Also, your family may not have understood your problem or been able to help you, that is really the case for most of us, but you have to let that go. You can't change the past, all you can do is work on creating a better future and getting help for yourself now. A lot of young people have MH problems, self harm and do destructive things, the fact that this was a part of your young life doesn't have to dictate your future. You are so much stronger than you believe, being strong doesn't mean never struggling, strength is built through survival.

So get yourself on the phone to Samaritans or reach out to your GP for some immediate help, then talk to them about getting treatment for OCD. We are all here for you and rooting for you to get better.

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Hey mate just wanted to say your not alone sometimes we don’t even want or need advice just need to know we are not the only ones that feel this way !! Your story reads so similar to my own !! I’m 43 and feel like packing it in every day but as much as I hate people like you struggling it dose give me the strength to keep going just knowing I’m not alone ! One day ocd will come out the dark ages and there will be a lot more help available for us! Keep going my mate 

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Also, if you're not already getting help for your OCD, please talk to your GP or OCD UK for advice about getting help. You're not alone, as you can see by the great advice that other people on this forum have given. It can and will get better. Take care x

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