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Hi, I've never quite been as paranoid and upset as I have these last few days. Quick background, I'm currently in therapy for PTSD, OCD, anxiety etc. 

I have always had POCD to some extent and recently while on line thought that an image looked like she could have been under 18.

I clicked off of it, but ever since then I have been reassurance seeking online (like now!) and googling about indecent images, am I being tracked?, Am I being watched, in doing so I've made it worse. 

Obviously a combination of words in Google search threw up a warning that there could be potential child abuse imagery in these search results. There wasn't, it was just more forums about the same obsessions.

However, now I am completely convinced this warning has gone on to alert the police and they will be knocking on my door.

I haven't done anything wrong, but my worried search history might make them think possibly otherwise.

If there's anyone with any reassurance I would be grateful, thankyou.

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Hello there,

Not an uncommon experience I am afraid.  Can I ask if the OCD actually being treated? I know you said you are in treatment for PTSD and OCD, but is the focus of treatment on PTSD or OCD?  As a general rule treating one at a time is the best approach.

Also reassurance won't help, and is not something the forum actively encourages as it rarely stops the OCD obsessional thinking and sometimes reinforces the need for more reassurance (a compulsion). We do try and help with information to help people make sense of their OCD and hopefully that in time will lead to progress.

As I am sure you know, the intrusive thought pooped into your head (the image of someone looked under 18) and that's lead to rumination over the thought and the more you have ruminated the more sure the OCD convinces you that the image was of someone under 18 and that you are a paedophile.    That's lead to compulsions to seek certainty and like any form of OCD the more you seek certainty the more triggers you find that convince you it was true and it makes things worse.  For example if you go back to check if a red stain you saw was blood the more blood you find.   The process of what happens with OCD is the same regardless of type.  Once we understands the process we can then start breaking down what is happening and finding ways to try and challenge the OCD.

That process is also why I personally never use or recommend using the POCD term because it doesn't help explain what is going on and more often than not most people will have OCD impacting on them in other aspects of their life or over time it shape shifts to other fears.

So what to do next for you?  Well ensure OCD is being addressed solely in treatment (unless there is a need to deal with the PTSD first).    The best thing I can say today which may bring some comfort (and I hope is not leaning into reassurance) is not try and seek certainty over the image, try and learn to live with the uncertainty but focus on the fact you that you are a good person whose didn't specifically look for an image that was inappropriate. 

I hope my post offers some comfort even if I can give you specific reassurance.

Ashley :)

 

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31 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Hello there,

Not an uncommon experience I am afraid.  Can I ask if the OCD actually being treated? I know you said you are in treatment for PTSD and OCD, but is the focus of treatment on PTSD or OCD?  As a general rule treating one at a time is the best approach.

Also reassurance won't help, and is not something the forum actively encourages as it rarely stops the OCD obsessional thinking and sometimes reinforces the need for more reassurance (a compulsion). We do try and help with information to help people make sense of their OCD and hopefully that in time will lead to progress.

As I am sure you know, the intrusive thought pooped into your head (the image of someone looked under 18) and that's lead to rumination over the thought and the more you have ruminated the more sure the OCD convinces you that the image was of someone under 18 and that you are a paedophile.    That's lead to compulsions to seek certainty and like any form of OCD the more you seek certainty the more triggers you find that convince you it was true and it makes things worse.  For example if you go back to check if a red stain you saw was blood the more blood you find.   The process of what happens with OCD is the same regardless of type.  Once we understands the process we can then start breaking down what is happening and finding ways to try and challenge the OCD.

That process is also why I personally never use or recommend using the POCD term because it doesn't help explain what is going on and more often than not most people will have OCD impacting on them in other aspects of their life or over time it shape shifts to other fears.

So what to do next for you?  Well ensure OCD is being addressed solely in treatment (unless there is a need to deal with the PTSD first).    The best thing I can say today which may bring some comfort (and I hope is not leaning into reassurance) is not try and seek certainty over the image, try and learn to live with the uncertainty but focus on the fact you that you are a good person whose didn't specifically look for an image that was inappropriate. 

I hope my post offers some comfort even if I can give you specific reassurance.

Ashley :)

 

Hi, thankyou for your reply. I've been in intense therapy for about 2 years having been a victim of an armed robbery 20 years ago. I'm 43 now. My therapist is aware of OCD traits but have never been specifically treated as such, but we have spoken about my OCD and ways of controlling and managing it.

I also have a lot of past family emotional issues, but none to do with any kind of physical or sexual abuse.

Recently, there has been lots of what you would call,  emotional upsets in my life. My wife had a cancer scare, my 2 grown children have moved out, one to another country and especially this time of the year it has made it emotionally very difficult.

I just hate myself that the one thing I was try to gain reassurance for has actually made it worse. I want to make clear I wasn't looking nor have I ever been interested in children sexually at all. 

However, the fact that this Google warning came up is worrisome. From what I have read online Google does this apparently to stop you potentially stumbling on this kind of content in the first place. 

So, I've sort of answered my own question I suppose in a way. My therapist asked me in our last session, in the worst case scenario that the police did knock on my door, what would they find?

My answer would be nothing. There's no history of or ever has been of child pornography, there's no or never has been images, downloads, chats, image sharing if anything remotely related to that.

I hope I've given you a better understanding. 

 

 

 

 

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It does sound like you've had a tough time and I hope 2023 brings a nicer tine, I will what we can to help you.  I am not sure how much you know about OCD and how it works, but that is fundamental in tackling it but also not to make things worse.  That's where understanding compulsions is so important, the Google checking and seeking reassurance create more problems in the long run.  We've all been there and made such mistakes when dealing with OCD.  It's for this reason we want to try and help by learning from our mistakes with helpful information rather than reassurance. 

11 minutes ago, ottoni said:

Hi, is there anyone else who may be able to assure me that the Google warning, was just that and not linked to the police? Thankyou

We will do what I can to support you. Perhaps the best way I can I support you is to agree with you here that you have answered your own question here....

 

6 hours ago, ottoni said:

However, the fact that this Google warning came up is worrisome. From what I have read online Google does this apparently to stop you potentially stumbling on this kind of content in the first place. 

So, I've sort of answered my own question I suppose in a way.

 

 

You mentioned being with the therapist for two years, that is always a red flag, especially if they've only told you ways of controlling and managing it.  We can't control OCD because it always manages us, but we can tackle it and challenge it so we can stand up to it.  I really would encourage speaking to your therapist about OCD more in the New Year, maybe even seek a new therapist if you need to.

I know this feels like I am not answering your question but I do want to help you thrive in 2023 and giving you reassurance won't help. But to answer your question the best I can I do think you've answered your own question.

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I can only offer an anecdote on this.  Sometimes Google gets the wrong idea about what I am looking for and I am learning how to avoid this.  Recently I was on a word association game and I had to follow duet (musical reference).  I was looking for a word that descibed three people in an activity so I typed into my search engine threesome hoping it would bring up another similar word.  Aaarrgghhh, what did it bring up - a list of porn sites with a warning that some of these sites may not be safe.  Obviously I aborted that search and shut down the search engine.  I came up with a word just using old fashioned brain power.

The lesson I learned is to be careful with my search criteria.

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11 minutes ago, Ashley said:

It does sound like you've had a tough time and I hope 2023 brings a nicer tine, I will what we can to help you.  I am not sure how much you know about OCD and how it works, but that is fundamental in tackling it but also not to make things worse.  That's where understanding compulsions is so important, the Google checking and seeking reassurance create more problems in the long run.  We've all been there and made such mistakes when dealing with OCD.  It's for this reason we want to try and help by learning from our mistakes with helpful information rather than reassurance. 

We will do what I can to support you. Perhaps the best way I can I support you is to agree with you here that you have answered your own question here....

 

 

 

You mentioned being with the therapist for two years, that is always a red flag, especially if they've only told you ways of controlling and managing it.  We can't control OCD because it always manages us, but we can tackle it and challenge it so we can stand up to it.  I really would encourage speaking to your therapist about OCD more in the New Year, maybe even seek a new therapist if you need to.

I know this feels like I am not answering your question but I do want to help you thrive in 2023 and giving you reassurance won't help. But to answer your question the best I can I do think you've answered your own question.

Thankyou, I very much appreciate your answers. To be honest most of my 2 years with my therapist has been regarding my PTSD, the acceptance, understanding and discussion of my feelings around what happened.

However, I've come to realise that my mental state is more than just the PTSD and that this was only part of my poor mental health. 

My background, early childhood and family life have all contributed to my acute anxiety, panic attacks etc.

I've never really gone into too much detail with my therapist about OCD, and saying that she has taught me ways to control or manage it, is probably the wrong words.

I've only made her aware this past couple of weeks about my current worry over OCD and she said that going forward this is what she wants to concentrate on with me.

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22 hours ago, ottoni said:

To be honest most of my 2 years with my therapist has been regarding my PTSD, the acceptance, understanding and discussion of my feelings around what happened.

Hi ottoni,

You don't mention 'reframing' which is the cornerstone of PTSD therapy. It's more specific than just talking about your feelings about what happened and (alongside acceptance) is what allows you to move forward. 2 years is a long time even for PTSD therapy. Do you feel you've made significant progress and have the tools to help yourself now, or are you just going over the same old ground?

Maybe you need to have a chat with your therapist about where you're at, what has changed, what hasn't changed, and where you go from here.

I agree with Ashley that it's usually best to treat PTSD and OCD one after the other rather than at the same time, starting with the one which impacts your daily life the most.

See how it goes these next few weeks as you tackle the OCD, but if your therapist doesn't have a clear CBT-based therapy plan then maybe it's time to look for a new therapist who does. :unsure:

 

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9 hours ago, Handy said:

I don't know of any such warning from Google.  Do you remember what it said? It only gives warnings if a website you're connecting to is malware.  It blocks inappropriate sites.

 

That's exactly what it was doing I hope, it just said something along the lines 'Warning' searching for certain content is illegal and directed me towards counselling websites, ironically I was trying to seek reassurance but certain key words must have been triggered.

I'm just so paranoid that this warning to me that it was blocking potentially inappropriate content would flag with the police?

No actual inappropriate content was being looked for nor has it ever been so

Edited by ottoni
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32 minutes ago, ottoni said:

Anyone have any further advice?

Is it advice you're after or reassurance? :unsure:

Advice - forget about it. Get your mind onto something else.

Reassurance - you want to be told the warning meant nothing. The trouble with reassurance is even when you are given it the doubt and anxiety come back after a while. No amount of reassurance ever permanently gets rid of the worry. So you have to learn to live with doubt and tackle the obsession of wanting safety/ certainty in another way. And you do that by forcing yourself to think about something other than your search history/ google warnings.

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On 28/12/2022 at 05:51, snowbear said:

Is it advice you're after or reassurance? :unsure:

Advice - forget about it. Get your mind onto something else.

OCD is about thoughts only, not actions. This was an action, a deliberate search for illegal material.  Imagine if you can, someone stabbing another person & then ruminating on if the police would come to their door. Would that be OCD? No, because it's an action, not thoughts of stabbing someone.  

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On 30/12/2022 at 01:02, Handy said:

OCD is about thoughts only, not actions. This was an action, a deliberate search for illegal material.  Imagine if you can, someone stabbing another person & then ruminating on if the police would come to their door. Would that be OCD? No, because it's an action, not thoughts of stabbing someone. 

I find comments from this person does not help at all if not makes ones OCD worse.

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20 minutes ago, Chris1987 said:

I find comments from this person does not help at all if not makes ones OCD worse.

Same. I tend to disregard them and focus on people who know what they're talking about eg. Snowbear/Polar bear.

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On 29/12/2022 at 17:02, Handy said:

OCD is about thoughts only, not actions. This was an action, a deliberate search for illegal material.  Imagine if you can, someone stabbing another person & then ruminating on if the police would come to their door. Would that be OCD? No, because it's an action, not thoughts of stabbing someone.  

This is so dangerous to someone suffering from OCD. It is patently false information and can send a sufferer into a spiral of doubt and anxiety.

Ottoni, your actions, thoughts and doubts are very normal when it comes to sexual obsessions. And yes, they are normal when the subject is children.

The paranoia you feel about police coming after you is also perfectly normal. I've spoken to many people who have been in the same boat.

My advice to you is leave this alone. Let it go. Stop Googling. Get your mind on other things, like life.

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  • 11 months later...
On 28/12/2022 at 13:13, ottoni said:

Anyone have any further advice? I've tried ringing the OCD helplines they are all unavailable, I've tried my GP surgery and they've got nothing  available even an urgent or over the phone! They wonder why A&E are overrun?

How you feeling now ottoni? I've had a somewhat similar situation as yours. Mine was four years ago and I still get anxious when I see the police. Just convinces me that they are coming for me. It dis get better for me and the only reassurance I get is well if I did do something wrong (which I have no memory, image, thought) it would have happened by now. Its the wrong way to think but that's how I coped as I just couldn't convince myself that I had done nothing of a sort.

Just wondering how you are now 

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