I have no idea what to do

[Cherry00]

Please before reading this I'm warning that some very distressing topics are being discussed so do not read if you will become impacted.

 

Hi, I'm really scared guys. I've just had one of my worst ever OCD episode and I literally feel so hopeless. I'm going to say everything. Every little detail, I need to get it off my chest and need help.

In the last two weeks I had a serious episode of OCD. Most of the themes were about harming people. It was in whatever environment I was in. If I was outside it would be to random people or if I was at home, with people at home. The themes would range from hurting, murder to sexual abuse.

Now, usually when I had OCD in the past I would do compulsions. For example if I had an intrusive thought about sexually harming someone, I would stay away from them or do things to get away from the situation. This would give me relief. Well one day, I accidentally went towards the intrusive thoughts and in a way this became my compulsion. It may be tricky to understand now but I will explain.

Lets say I had a thought of throwing boiling kettle water over someone. Usually I'd stay away from the kitchen or run past the kettle. But this time my thoughts would say "test it out and go and touch the kettle." So to this thought I would keep saying no in my head to but the moment I didn't say "no" convincingly enough or slightly agreed with touching the kettle, I had to touch the kettle. I couldn't reverse the decision. So I end up touching the kettle. A few moments could pass and then my thought would come up and say, "oh you touched the kettle, what about walking with it for 2 steps" then the same thing would happen. I'd keep saying no but when I slightly said yes I end up doing it and because I have held it before it became more compulsive to walk with it.

Now this would happen with all my intrusive thoughts. Now this is for the worst of them all which I am sickened by and have no idea what to do. Im honestly so scared. I had an intrusive thought to sexually abuse someone. So I was sitting in the living room and then my head was saying if you twitch a certain amount of times you have to do the next step. I kept saying no and no but then for a second I couldn't agree if I said no properly so had to do the twitch. This same process repeated and repeated till I went to an enclosed room and my thought said "pull down Ur trousers down then up straight away to see if you would commit this certain abuse (the intrusive thought)." I kept saying no but because I agreed mentally slightly because if I didn't do it I would think "oh no if I did it, I could end up abusing someone, so I had to check and make sure." So I ended up pulling my trousers down then up instantly. I ran to my room. Then the same thought came again, it was this time to actually abuse this person. I kept saying no and no but then in my head I started repeating the sentence that I would do it. Then I kept saying it and my mind was like you need to fully agree with it to see if you would do it. I don't know if I fully agreed to do it. But I kept saying to myself I'm going to do it to see if I actually would. I was going to go to this person's room and see if I would do it but I'm unsure if I was actually going to do it because I kept agreeing with the statement in my head. There were a lot of distractions in the hallway so I couldn't even test it out and had to end up going elsewhere. Now I'm scared, if there were no distractions would I have ended up committing an awful act. I can never know now can I? I'm disgusted in myself. Now that my episode has calmed down I can easily stop compulsions much better and I'm full of regret that I did listen to the compulsions. I just am so hopeless right now.

 

[northpaul]

If I had intrusive thoughts as described I would not try testing myself 'will I do it or not'.

I would simply walk away and go and do something completely different to distract my mind away from unhelpful intrusive thoughts.  Testing out thoughts just feeds the cycle and I would want to keep checking will I do it or not.  Choose positivity.

[Cherry00]

34 minutes ago, northpaul said:

If I had intrusive thoughts as described I would not try testing myself 'will I do it or not'.

I would simply walk away and go and do something completely different to distract my mind away from unhelpful intrusive thoughts.  Testing out thoughts just feeds the cycle and I would want to keep checking will I do it or not.  Choose positivity.

That's the whole thing. I couldn't choose, it became a compulsion.

[Saudade]

I totally understand. Its that feeling like you have to carry out the thought in order for it to leave you alone. 

 

 

[Cherry00]

3 minutes ago, Saudade said:

I totally understand. Its that feeling like you have to carry out the thought in order for it to leave you alone. 

 

 

Yeah, thanks. But I'm just really scared now about it.

[ajc4]

1 hour ago, Saudade said:

I totally understand. Its that feeling like you have to carry out the thought in order for it to leave you alone. 

 

 

That's exactly what happens with me.  Sounds ridiculous but right now I have some outside walls which are rendered and the paint is bubbling off.  In the warm weather all that is required - it will take some time but is not complicated - is to scrape off all loose paint, fill where and if required, wait 24 hours, sand and start repainting.  I even have the stuff ready to go but because it will have to wait at least a couple of months it's driving me nuts, making me feel physically sick because the thoughts don't leave me alone and I am exhausted.  I know this is small fry to what some people are suffering with but I can assure you it feels like a massive issue.  It's the same in the house, the smallest little drying crack in plaster - which we all get - and unless I can fill it immediately the thoughts plague me - I hate it.

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, Cherry00 said:

That's the whole thing. I couldn't choose, it became a compulsion.

The thing is that you do have a choice to carry out a compulsion or not and the things you are doing are testing/checking compulsions and ruminating about it.  You will neither sexually abuse or harm anyone because of the intrusive thoughts you are having........you may make up/think up all sort of convoluted rules (compulsions) but that's it.  I don't make light of it, resisting compulsions is difficult, they feel "compelling" ,  they are the "C" in OCD.  You have to become aware of these compulsions/checks and start the scary process of resisting them:)

[Summer9173]

5 hours ago, Cherry00 said:

Most of the themes were about harming people.

Same here, I know how awful it can make you feel but remember it’s all OCD talking, not you. It’s took me a while, but I’ve finally accepted no matter how real the thoughts, images and urges feel, you won’t hurt anybody. 
 

I really recommend the book ‘Overcoming Unwanted, intrusive thoughts’ by Sally Winston. I purchased it off Amazon but it’s excellent for the Harm OCD aspects, it helped me massively.