Felling like my HOCD will never end

[dg2345]

     I’ve been struggling with HOCD on and off for a long time now. And I told myself I would never let it get really bad again. It really started a while back, but for probably the past 8-10 months it was getting so much better. I was starting to feel normal again, I was really really happy. I think I’m honestly more upset because I’m starting to feel really low again. And it just has hit me within a matter of the past 2 days, just like the last time it got bad. And I can’t help but worry that it’s starting to get that bad again.  I can’t go through that again. I have so many great things going on in my life now. I just got done telling my mom that I felt the past month has probably been the happiest I have felt in a really long time. And I really have. It’s literally heartbreaking more than anything for me right now.

      Before, when it got bad, it started with just stupid thoughts… then it escalated to more and more graphic and intrusive thoughts and it became completely debilitating. I couldn’t get out of bed, I wasn’t eating or sleeping, I was a complete zombie. And because of the horrible anxiety my depression just increased and it was really scary for a while. I was constantly self checking, reading and commenting on forums, searching and practically begging anyone to tell me this wasn’t real. I eventually got help and I was able to start rationalizing those thoughts. I was able to understand that they were just thoughts that I was over analyzing constantly and why they were happening. I just don’t understand why this is happening again. And of course I can sit here and type this and be able to genuinely say that 2 months ago I knew for a fact none of this was real and that I have OCD. So this doesn’t even make any sense at all. I mean over the course of the few months I was starting to feel better, I would have doubtful thoughts here and there. But I was always able to rationalize them and understand that they were intrusive, and not really who I am or things I would want to do. But now by mind is telling me I’ve been lying to myself and I’m having a really hard time rationalizing them again, and it’s been really bad the past few days.

      It started over the weekend with some stupid intrusive thought, which at the time I was able to rationalize, but it took me longer than usual to feel okay after. And now I feel like I’m starting to spiral again. It feels so real, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m deep in my mind constantly self checking again or because it is real.  I’m struggling with the feelings part of it too. I’m not getting that ick feeling I used to when I had the thoughts. And it’s so weird because when I initially think about it or analyze it, I get an uncomfortable and unsettling feeling which tells me I know it’s not real and that I would never want to act these thoughts out for real. But then I just get into these deep episodes of analyzing and thinking about it to the point we’re it almost feels like I would do these things or I really don’t feel disgusted or uncomfortable. And then I start feeling that weird excited/groinal response mixed with anxiety and my brain tells me it’s desire…. when I know it’s not that it’s just my anxiety and the constant thinking about it.

      And I don’t know if this is just me desensitizing myself. But it just makes me feel like because I’m not getting a reaction or because I don’t feel that disgust it’s because I want to do the things or would. Like I’m indifferent and maybe I could do these things. And it’s almost like my brain is comforted by the anxiety, like I want to self check and feel anxious constantly, which doesn’t even make sense at all either. I’ve honestly tried just accepting the fact that maybe I am gay/bi and honestly who cares it’s not a big deal. Which honestly it’s not, I fully support every single person in the LGBTQ community, my best friend is bi and I love and support her so much! And even when I did try and just accept that maybe this is me and who cares what my family thinks, I almost did feel better. I almost felt calm and okay.  But then that initial thought of “welp this means you’d want to have sex with a women” really just made my heart sink and I felt upset and sad. I don’t think this is really what I want, I just don’t even know anymore. 

      And here I am again, sitting at work typing this out because I literally cannot focus on anything else. And now I have this bone crushing guilt that I need to talk to my parents about it, but the last time this happened I put them through so much worry, I could never do that to them again. It’s only been 2 days, I really hope I can rationalize this soon so I don’t feel as bad. It’s just every time that i think I do my mind tells me I’m just lying to myself, and it feels like it could be true. I’m just really scared again and I don’t want this to get bad like it did before. I moved away from my therapist who helped me before, and I know I could probably reach out and set up some virtual sessions which is probably a very good idea. I’m just really really sad that I have too again when I was so happy and doing so much better. I know this is long, it’s just been a long time since I’ve felt this way and I don’t have very many places to turn too. I don’t want posting here to become a compulsion for me, but I was just reaching out for some support and advice. My heart goes out to everyone who struggles with OCD. It’s an extremely difficult thing to deal with and I pray that everyone who does is able find strength and happiness and peace. 

Edited January 30, 2023 by dg2345

[PolarBear]

Stop trying to rationalize. That's a compulsion. OCD sucks you back in with thoughts.

Leave it alone. Completely alone.

[Bev53]

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling this way again, but first of all there is no reason to immediately assume you're going to be right back to where you started. You are now more aware of your condition and how to deal with it.

You mentioned you've had a really good spell and felt better than you have done in ages, I think when this happens we can drop our guard and compulsions start creeping back in.

From your post it is obvious your are doing lots of ruminating and analysing, as PolaBear says DON'T! That is what is drawing you in and keeping you stuck.

Thoughts are just thoughts, you can choose to let them go and move on, and get busy with your day. When the thoughts pop up again (and they will), do the same, gently just bring your attention back to whatever you were doing or planning to do...keep doing it, over and over again.

Easier said than done I know, but you've done it before and can again. It takes effort,  it's wearing, but it does get easier. 

Good luck.

 

[dg2345]

Thank you both for your responses and advice. I really appreciate it. I just hate that it feels like it’s back again. I know I can’t assume I will be perfectly normal like I was before right away. I think just because I have been battling it off and on for so long, I really thought I was on the climb up and that maybe I really beat it this time. That’s not helping either. I have a trip coming up that I’ve been so excited for, and I’m upset that this has come back into my life, and I can’t help but feel now I’m really not going to enjoy it because I’m going to be battling this all again. I’m definitely trying to put the thoughts back and not ruminate and analyze. I think too because I’m not getting the disgust and uncomfortable feeling now, almost like I could be perfectly fine doing these things, my mind is telling me it’s because I would do these things. And then the spiral begins of every little dumb thing I have done in the past or thought I had that must be “evidence” that this is real, when I’ve never once in my life been sexually attracted to the same sex. It’s just really frustrating more than anything. Again thank you both! I will definitely keep working on stoping the compulsions. I’m trying to approach this in a healthier way and be a little more understanding and patient with myself than I was in the past, I think that’s why it got so bad before. Hopefully it gets better again soon. 

[dg2345]

So I feel that I have been doing better the past day. I haven’t been ruminating as much, but trying not to analyze everything is the hard part. I’m really trying to put it in the back of my mind and just let it go and understand it’s just the OCD and it has gotten a little better. But I feel like my mind keeps bringing me back to how I felt when I had the thought. I feel like sometimes, if the thought is just in passing, I can let it go and I get a sense of discomfort and I can identify that this is not something I desire or would ever want to do. But then other times, if I really sit and think about it, it almost feels like it really wouldn’t be that bad, like I don’t feel grossed out or uncomfortable. Is it normal to feel like I would be okay performing these thoughts with OCD? I’ve never really had this before, I’ve always at least felt uncomfortable and knew I wouldn’t want to do these things. But now my mind is telling me that I would enjoy these things and it feels so real like I actually could. Is this an OCD trick?? I know reassurance is the worst thing for someone suffering with OCD and I am not asking for that. But I guess I was just posting for some advice and support again. I feel like I’m in this constant state of heartbreak and it’s hard. It’s been nice to be able to express how I’m feeling a little to people who understand. 

Anyways, I’ve never wanted or desired this is in my life and I know you can’t just turn gay. It just makes no sense. And I’m really trying not to analyze or ruminate on it, but the anxiety and doubt that increases from not doing it has been difficult to deal with too. I know this might just be a product of my constant self checking compulsion that I was doing before, but I’m struggling with identifying that it’s just that, from me actually wanting to do these things. I’ve tried just accepting things as is, but it still bothers me. I’ve reached out to my old therapist, I’m hoping I can talk with her soon.  It’s hard not feeling hopeless and frustrated during all of this. 

Edited February 1, 2023 by dg2345

[njb]

On 30/01/2023 at 22:41, dg2345 said:

. It feels so real, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m deep in my mind constantly self checking again or because it is real.  I’m struggling with the feelings part of it too. I’m not getting that ick feeling I used to when I had the thoughts. And it’s so weird because when I initially think about it or analyze it, I get an uncomfortable and unsettling feeling which tells me I know it’s not real and that I would never want to act these thoughts out for real. But then I just get into these deep episodes of analyzing and thinking about it to the point we’re it almost feels like I would do these things or I really don’t feel disgusted or uncomfortable. And then I start feeling that weird excited/groinal response mixed with anxiety and my brain tells me it’s desire…. when I know it’s not that it’s just my anxiety and the 

 It is all ocd. No matter the theme. It's all nonsense. I completely empathise with all you wrote. The above resonates with me. I know the exact process word for word. Diff theme but same ocd. Try not to be hard on yourself. Keep going. It ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows. 

Wishing you all the best. I've stumbled today and it's been very bad of late but tomorrow is another day! 

Njb

[dg2345]

1 minute ago, njb said:

 It is all ocd. No matter the theme. It's all nonsense. I completely empathise with all you wrote. The above resonates with me. I know the exact process word for word. Diff theme but same ocd. Try not to be hard on yourself. Keep going. It ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows. 

Wishing you all the best. I've stumbled today and it's been very bad of late but tomorrow is another day! 

Njb

Thank you so much for your response. It makes this whole process a little better knowing there are others out there who know exactly how you are feeling.
 

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this too and I am sorry you are having a difficult day, like myself! But you are exactly right, tomorrow is another day and we have to keep fighting!! I wish you the best as well! 

[njb]

Ruminating is what keeps my ocd going. Just one more lot then I will stop. Never do. Once you light that fuse BAM loads more angles need thinkingbl about. Exhausting. Absolutely exhausting but the compulsion to do it is consuming. It can get better. I reckon ocd can convince you that you are into anything, lawnmowers, a chair, rock, door handle. It truly is so powerful and emotive. Underage girls has been the theme for a long long time, before that being a paedophile and that still is powerful, then there is the incest, animals, dead people etc. What a lovely mix but all equally absolutely not me. Ocd tells you that you are all of it and it will find a way to find new angles. All the time. Like new angles that you'd not thought of and then drags up stuff from eons ago.

Distract! Distract and try.

 

[njb]

Take care and wishing you well.

Edited February 1, 2023 by njb

[johnt1150]

Hey, how are you doing now? I'm in the same boat as you. Literally same thoughts as you, what if I'm lying to myself? I don't feel disgust anymore but I know what I wanted. I actually had 8 years of relationship with a woman, who I wanted to stay forever with but she left me because I probably wasn't good enough for her. 

This theme started after she left me and before I was dealing with emptiness, depression and existential OCD. 
 

Can you offer some help? Do you also doubt if it's ocd or if it's you and whether or not in denial stuff like that.