My life makes no sense anymore

[Cora]

I am at a point in my life where I have nothing good left to live/fight for. Only embarrassing, disgusting and shameful memories. 

I think I flirted with my young colleague two days in a row so the real me came to the surface. I like gross, repulsive things. I have very racist views about people I meet on a daily basis. I've failed as a sister and daughter. I've failed as a girlfriend and friend. No good bone in me. 

My therapy ends soon. And more and more memories are flooding my brain and I can't take it anymore.

[DRS1]

24 minutes ago, Cora said:

I think I flirted with my young colleague two days in a row so the real me came to the surface. I like gross, repulsive things. I have very racist views about people I meet on a daily basis. I've failed as a sister and daughter. I've failed as a girlfriend and friend. No good bone in me. 

Here is your problem @Cora. You aren't separating you from the OCD. If you are all these things, then I must be everything that I have intrusive thoughts about. It also means everyone on this forum must be too. Now, does that make any sense? Am I a failure as a human being for having mainly harm and sexual based intrusive thoughts and images? Do you think its fair for me to berate myself of how awful of a person I must be because I have OCD?

[Cora]

1 minute ago, DRS1 said:

Am I a failure as a human being for having mainly harm and sexual based intrusive thoughts and images? Do you think its fair for me to berate myself of how awful of a person I must be because I have OCD?

No, of course not, @DRS1.

I am not telling people everything because it would be too much but I keep acting on thoughts and feelings every day. It might be meaningless and trivial in the bigger picture but it's really important for me. Looking at someone's picture (on social media) when you know you shouldn't because they are probably a teenager, finding your little brother attractive because he got a new haircut, enjoying a hug from your dad only because it feels sexual, staying too close to your colleague at work even though you know it makes them uncomfortable, agreeing with your racist and biased thoughts. All these things are too much for me. And at this point it's only my fault. 

[DRS1]

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

but I keep acting on thoughts and feelings every day.

This I highly doubt based on your previous posts

 

5 minutes ago, Cora said:

enjoying a hug from your dad only because it feels sexual

OCD in a nutshell right here!

 

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

staying too close to your colleague at work even though you know it makes them uncomfortable

Doubt you know that because you probably haven't spoken to them. You've just catastrophised that and that's all OCD.

 

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

agreeing with your racist and biased thoughts

Let's go back to the basics. The whole premise of how OCD really continues is that you interpret your intrusions as if you had come up with them and not only just that but just by having the thought makes you that. You know how I know that what you've written is utter OCD rubbish? I've been through it. I'm not sure you are ready to leave therapy yet. I think you need to really work on separating the content of the thoughts, images and sensations from you and your values.

 

Example (completely random): I saw a red duck that I had a thought about it drowning - Therefore that means I want to drown ducks?

 

10 minutes ago, Cora said:

I am not telling people everything because it would be too much

Try us. Bet it won't matter to us at all. If this is what you've been holding back in therapy, you might as well put it on the forum where you are anonymous and no one will care about the content because we all have OCD. From there, then you will be able to talk to your therapist about it. If you need to let it out so that you can stop ruminating on it, do it.

[bluegas]

Cora join the club mate! I feel exactly like you do most days ! I think ocd is a lot more than intrusive thoughts! Years ago when I first started to get intrusive thoughts they were just that random thoughts that popped in my head but these days  I suffer more like you in that we actually happily think or feel something at the time  or act on an impulse then seconds or hours later or me years later regret what we did thought or felt ! And an overwhelming feeling of guilt washes over us ! But please remember it’s still ocd I know it’s hard and people can teach us all the techniques in the world but first we need our brains quite enough to take it in !  But for everyone action you ever done every thought or feeling you ever had  ! You have to know it means nothing  and when you work out how to understand that ! Can you tell me how you did it cus I ain’t got a clue !!! But I’ve read all your posts and you are like an angel compared to some of the **** my brains come up with! Keep pushing 

[Cora]

Hi @bluegas, 

Thank you for reply.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this as well. I'm not even sure what to say other than that I understand your pain. This pain is stealing all the joy. I could have one or two good days but that means nothing when the rest of the time I'm miserable. It used to be an okayish coping mechanism but now not even that can help. 

[Cora]

11 hours ago, DRS1 said:

Try us. Bet it won't matter to us at all. If this is what you've been holding back in therapy, you might as well put it on the forum where you are anonymous and no one will care about the content because we all have OCD. From there, then you will be able to talk to your therapist about it. If you need to let it out so that you can stop ruminating on it, do it.

One really embarrassing example would be feeling like I'm enjoying weird, disgusting smells. It could be on the street, in the bathroom at work, at home... anywhere. I've had a few incidents with people where I thought I enjoyed the smells they "created". I've never heard of such a messed up thing. And this is only one example. I've got so many more. 

11 hours ago, DRS1 said:

The whole premise of how OCD really continues is that you interpret your intrusions as if you had come up with them and not only just that but just by having the thought makes you that.

That's not how OCD feels/works for me, especially with sexual and racism OCD. The thoughts seem wanted and purposely created, almost as if there are horrible desires and views behind them. I don't know. I feel really messed up. 

[Cora]

About an hour ago I got home from work. I had a horrible day. I felt like I wanted to keep looking at one of the manager's bottom (even though she is a female and I'm only attracted to males) and I feel like she hates me because one time I did look and I felt like I enjoyed it. I listened to a conversation of two colleagues of mine which included personal details even though I didn't mean to. I feel like everyone dislikes me other there - no one talks to me or they give me weird, dirty looks. I was annoyed with a customer and I couldn't hide it - and now I'm wondering if I did that because of her ethnicity and skin colour or simply because she was the third person that wouldn't let me finish my job. And had lots of "romantic" thoughts and urges about my colleague (not the young one) whenever he would come close to me

I'm sorry for the rant. And thank you for listening. 

[Caramoole]

What parts of your therapy are you actively working on Cora?  What homework has your therapist asked you to work on?  What are the things you've been actively working on this week?

5 minutes ago, Cora said:

That's not how OCD feels/works for me, especially with sexual and racism OCD. The thoughts seem wanted and purposely created, almost as if there are horrible desires and views behind them. 

There's nothing in this that seems at all unusual in the world of OCD to me.  With anyone/everyone if the fears didn't feel real, there wouldn't be a problem.  I always sense that you attend therapy and hope that that will e enough, that talking to someone, getting an explanation will resolve the problem.....it won't.  Understanding alone won't change things.

I've been on this forum for 19 years now and can recall many members stuck like you.  I can remember the names of people who's posts and topics came up, week after week, year after year and then eventually, with therapy, they did change how they tried to handle things and follow the advice.......only to "get it" and find an improvement.

There isn't one thing you describe that gives rise for any concern other than the really sad situation that you find yourself in.  

Let's look at the things your therapist is recommending and where you're struggling to implement things

[Caramoole]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

About an hour ago I got home from work. I had a horrible day. I felt like I wanted to keep looking at one of the manager's bottom (even though she is a female and I'm only attracted to males) and I feel like she hates me because one time I did look and I felt like I enjoyed it. I listened to a conversation of two colleagues of mine which included personal details even though I didn't mean to. I feel like everyone dislikes me other there - no one talks to me or they give me weird, dirty looks. I was annoyed with a customer and I couldn't hide it - and now I'm wondering if I did that because of her ethnicity and skin colour or simply because she was the third person that wouldn't let me finish my job. And had lots of "romantic" thoughts and urges about my colleague (not the young one) whenever he would come close to me

I'm sorry for the rant. And thank you for listening. 

If you were to telephone your therapist tomorrow and explain this, what would she say, what would she recommend?  Would she advise you to head for the forum and confess your horrible thoughts?  Would they recommend that you berate yourself and declare your self loathing?  What do you think they'd suggest Cora?

 

 

[DRS1]

7 hours ago, Cora said:

One really embarrassing example would be feeling like I'm enjoying weird, disgusting smells. It could be on the street, in the bathroom at work, at home... anywhere. I've had a few incidents with people where I thought I enjoyed the smells they "created". I've never heard of such a messed up thing. And this is only one example. I've got so many more. 

That's not how OCD feels/works for me, especially with sexual and racism OCD. The thoughts seem wanted and purposely created, almost as if there are horrible desires and views behind them. I don't know. I feel really messed up. 

You should see my facial expression right now, didn't even blink at what you wrote. I've told a psychologist way more "strange" things than that. I'd bring that up to them if that's whats been holding you back

[Symps07]

Hey Cora,

Being stuck with OCD really sucks and it is really difficult to live with but it is even worse when you punish yourself for thoughts you didn't ask for and judge yourself so harshly.

The fact that these thoughts are so abhorrent to you, shows me you're a good person and it's heartbreaking to hear you say those things about yourself.

I've had many thoughts on pedophillia, blasphemy, harm, sex, adultery, etc... that I didn't ask for and left me so low and I hated myself for so long that it drew all pleasure out of living.i

It took a long time to get back to some semblance of normality and I'm still struggling on a regular basis but life is much better than it was and it is a big load of my mind not punishing myself for every thought that intrudes in my head but rather, seeing it as a problem I need to deal with. I hope you can start to see this about your own thoughts some day

I hope you can have a lovely weekend regardless and rest your mind

Symps

[Cora]

On 19/02/2023 at 00:19, Caramoole said:

What parts of your therapy are you actively working on Cora?  What homework has your therapist asked you to work on?  What are the things you've been actively working on this week?

Hi Caramoole,

We've been working on a lot of exposure lately. The homework for this week is to have an exposure for each day and only stop when my mind if bored of it. I have to let my thoughts go wherever they want no matter how dark and creepy it is, and to allow feelings and sensation to be there without trying to stop them. 

[Cora]

On 19/02/2023 at 08:02, DRS1 said:

You should see my facial expression right now, didn't even blink at what you wrote. I've told a psychologist way more "strange" things than that. I'd bring that up to them if that's whats been holding you back

Thank you, @DRS1.

[Cora]

On 19/02/2023 at 12:49, Symps07 said:

Hey Cora,

Being stuck with OCD really sucks and it is really difficult to live with but it is even worse when you punish yourself for thoughts you didn't ask for and judge yourself so harshly.

The fact that these thoughts are so abhorrent to you, shows me you're a good person and it's heartbreaking to hear you say those things about yourself.

I've had many thoughts on pedophillia, blasphemy, harm, sex, adultery, etc... that I didn't ask for and left me so low and I hated myself for so long that it drew all pleasure out of living.i

It took a long time to get back to some semblance of normality and I'm still struggling on a regular basis but life is much better than it was and it is a big load of my mind not punishing myself for every thought that intrudes in my head but rather, seeing it as a problem I need to deal with. I hope you can start to see this about your own thoughts some day

I hope you can have a lovely weekend regardless and rest your mind

Symps

Thank you, Symps. 

I'm not sure how I'll ever go back to having a normal, guilt free life. It's difficult to picture it. I also don't really have a purpose in life so having a happy life, without constant memories of past events, sometimes seems impossible. 

[Cora]

I think I messed up. 

I'm not even sure if this is OCD but I would like to ask for your help. Three things in relation to racism happened for the past days and it's not okay. I know I can't change them and only learn from it but it doesn't change the fact that it upsets me very much. I realise that it will probably upset you as well and I apologise in advance.

First incident.

I was talking to a colleague at work and to me it sounded like he pronounced a few words with a strong accent. My immediate reaction to that was to imitate him and I said the first word with a weird accent and stopped right before the second word because I realised that it was wrong. I didn't even have time to think before I opened my mouth. It happened so quickly and I'm now worried that I have no control other my thoughts and actions anymore, and that I am a racist because that colleague is a black person.  

I talked about this with my therapist and she said sometimes people, when they hear something that sounds different or weird to them, they might have the urge to repeat it so it is really a non-incident (she was aware that she gave me reassurance). But I think I didn't explain that my colleague is from Africa and has an African accent, which could change that from a non-incident to a serious incident.

Second and third incidents

I was on social media, scrolling and watching short clips, when I stumbled upon a creation made using 3D printing. The post only had the voice of the artist but not the face. My immediate thinking process was "It sounds like that is a black person talking because of their deep voice, let's like his post, black artists deserve the support." I liked the post and realised how racist that was (the assuming that it was a black person talking part). I clicked on their profile and the page belonged to a white person. 

A few hours later same thing happened minus liking the post. 

I didn't get to talk about this with my therapist but I'm scared that my racist and biased views are coming to the surface more and more. I have no idea how to treat this issue now. 

[malina]

Hey @Cora

I'm really sorry that you're suffering so much but I'm not sure what to tell you. Once again, like every single time, everything you describe is completely trivial in my eyes. I think it will likely be the same for everyone else too. Yet to you it's a huge deal. I understand that it feels awful and very important to you, that is how OCD feels to all of us. But those of us who see improvements and start to feel better are the ones who make a commitment to treating the problems differently and stop responding to them, regardless of how real, scary or shameful they may feel to us. You are still doing the opposite, you actively and stubbornly refuse to treat these issues as anything but real, regardless of what people tell you.

You can talk to whoever you want, you can see a million professionals...nobody can make this go away until you start treating this differently and start changing how you respond to these thoughts. I have been speaking with you for years now and I honestly don't know what it's going to take for you to do that. I really don't know what anyone can say to make you see things a little differently.

You always come here with these confessions. Do you do anything with your therapist other than seek reassurance? Doesn't she have advice for you? Have you been doing any exercises, any ERP?

I know I sound like I'm lecturing and I don't mean to. I just don't know what anybody can say or do to get through to you. And I feel really sad for you because you are in so much pain over nothing. And I truly mean nothing, all of this is nonsense cooked up by your OCD and only you can't see it.

[Cora]

Hi @malina, 

Thank you for your reply.

2 hours ago, malina said:

Once again, like every single time, everything you describe is completely trivial in my eyes.

So you don't think that what I did was racist, not even in the slightest?

2 hours ago, malina said:

But those of us who see improvements and start to feel better are the ones who make a commitment to treating the problems differently and stop responding to them, regardless of how real, scary or shameful they may feel to us.

I agree, and I want to be able to do that as well. 

2 hours ago, malina said:

I have been speaking with you for years now and I honestly don't know what it's going to take for you to do that. I really don't know what anyone can say to make you see things a little differently.

I understand. I've been thinking of this as well, and it is upsetting to me. Because I really do want to get better but I just can't. 

2 hours ago, malina said:

You always come here with these confessions. Do you do anything with your therapist other than seek reassurance? Doesn't she have advice for you? Have you been doing any exercises, any ERP?

She does have advice for me. And when we do exposure exercises during the therapy hour, it always seems to work, but when I'm on my own, I fail most of the time. She is actually the best therapist I've had and I'm really sorry because I make her look as if she's not helping me at all. She's been trying her best but I think at this point it's a me problem. I only have two more sessions with her because she goes on maternity leave but she will refer me to free therapy at the place she works in NHS.

2 hours ago, malina said:

I know I sound like I'm lecturing and I don't mean to. I just don't know what anybody can say or do to get through to you. And I feel really sad for you because you are in so much pain over nothing. And I truly mean nothing, all of this is nonsense cooked up by your OCD and only you can't see it.

You are not lecturing me, I promise (but even if you were, it would be okay). 

[DRS1]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi @malina, 

Thank you for your reply.

So you don't think that what I did was racist, not even in the slightest?

I agree, and I want to be able to do that as well. 

I understand. I've been thinking of this as well, and it is upsetting to me. Because I really do want to get better but I just can't. 

She does have advice for me. And when we do exposure exercises during the therapy hour, it always seems to work, but when I'm on my own, I fail most of the time. She is actually the best therapist I've had and I'm really sorry because I make her look as if she's not helping me at all. She's been trying her best but I think at this point it's a me problem. I only have two more sessions with her because she goes on maternity leave but she will refer me to free therapy at the place she works in NHS.

You are not lecturing me, I promise (but even if you were, it would be okay). 

You are asking for reassurance again Cora. It's not going to help. The fact that ERP works within therapy and fails outside is why you aren't getting any better. Its not that ERP only works inside the context of your therapy appointments, it's more than likely that you aren't willing to take the risk without compulsions when you are on your own without the "supervision" of a therapist to guide you. And yet, you need to be able to do it on your own.

 

The way you are looking at this is also the problem. Saying you just can't get better is a very negative way to look at it and it's not really going to push yourself into really trying to get better but rather potentially make you feel like your efforts are in vain so what's the point. 

 

You need to also be more aware of your compulsions like you have done on this thread tonight with asking @malina for reassurance compulsively. Recognise what it feels like when you feel like you must do a compulsion, even write it down and then the next time it happens you can refer to those things as a better way of telling whether or not you should be engaging in it.

Also have a think about what you want by getting better. What is the real goal you have with it?

[Lifewillbegood]

@cora…I am not sure how often you meet with your therapist 
i wonder if you have considered more intense therapy sessions to see if they help. In the US, there are treatment centers that offer 3hrs/day and even 6hrs/day ( currently virtually also) for 5days/weeks
I am caring for my spouse… and she is also struggling to achieve benefits from ERP(virtual- 2/week) and meds. 

Just remember anxiety from response prevention will only be temporary…,maybe few weeks and then you will see benefits in quality of life. 
 

[malina]

9 hours ago, Cora said:

So you don't think that what I did was racist, not even in the slightest?

Don't ask me for more reassurance @Cora. We both know that, no matter what I or anybody else says, your mind is going to quickly come up with a rebuttal. Maybe I didn't understand the situation properly, maybe you didn't give all the details etc. You have my opinion there, don't ask for more reassurance.

9 hours ago, Cora said:

I understand. I've been thinking of this as well, and it is upsetting to me. Because I really do want to get better but I just can't.

Well, I think that you have more than just one issue here. I think your low self esteem and negativity about yourself are huge barriers. You treat everything like it's your fault. Every minor mistake is a stain on your character. It's honestly upsetting to see such a nice person like yourself constantly trashing herself. Just through talking with you, I can see that you have so many positive things, but you don't see any of it. I think you need to saparate these awful thoughts, caused by OCD, from your character. But that is hard when you think so badly of your character to begin with.

You also treat many things like they are such a big deal. I think this is partly because you're still very young, but it's too much. Like your view of the world is so rigid and any violation from nice, polite, perfect behaviour is a complete tragedy. I think you need to learn to relax and stop thinking that everything is such a big drama. That ties in with the low self esteem point above, because any violation from perfect thought, emotion or behaviour on your own part is an extra level of tragic in your eyes. I don't see how anybody could live up to such high standards. 

The other thing is that you still seem to be waiting for it to feel like OCD before you start treating it as OCD. It won't happen this way. You have to start changing your behaviour in order for your thoughts and feelings to change. There is no other way, you have to fake it until you make it essentially.

Finally, you don't seek help, you seek reassurance. You say that you struggle to implement ERP and the things you're learning when you're alone. The forum is a great space to get help for things like that. Yet, I have never seen you come here to ask a question about your treatment. You never give any details about what you have tried. You immediately jump to 1) self trashing and 2) reassurance seeking.

I hope that at least some of this gets through to you and that you will think about it.

[Angst]

Hi Cora

Your posts always have the same themes. The opposite of shame is pride. Do you feel pride for anything? Shame and pride are the two sides of the same coin -shame is where we condemn ourselves for breaking a perceived social rule while pride is where we feel good about ourselves because we have achieved something that is socially valued.
 

What we imagine to be the critical gaze of the social world we turn to an internal and critical gaze on ourselves.  From this we conjure up memories. More and more memories unless you are careful.

You are very judgemental on yourself you condemn yourself at the slightest transgression of what you imagine to be the social code. Shameful memories can plague those of us who have OCD and if we allow it these memories, biased though they are, can shape our identities, as we pass judgement on ourselves as being bad persons.

More and more is being done on shame and memories. Why do you not conjure up prideful memories - thing you have achieved, compassion you have shown and love you have expressed?

Edited February 23, 2023 by Angst

[Caramoole]

14 hours ago, malina said:

. I understand that it feels awful and very important to you, that is how OCD feels to all of us. But those of us who see improvements and start to feel better are the ones who make a commitment to treating the problems differently and stop responding to them, regardless of how real, scary or shameful they may feel to us. You are still doing the opposite, you actively and stubbornly refuse to treat these issues as anything but real, regardless of what people tell you.

 

2 hours ago, malina said:

The other thing is that you still seem to be waiting for it to feel like OCD before you start treating it as OCD. It won't happen this way. You have to start changing your behaviour in order for your thoughts and feelings to change. There is no other way, you have to fake it until you make it essentially

The points Malina raises are very important to take on board.  Whether it's with a therapist or on the forums, unless you start to put the advise to use, nothing will change.  You still head here to carry out compulsions and as long as you use this method to try and deal with the panicky feelings, nothing will change for the better

[Cora]

Thank you so much everyone, and I'm really sorry for taking forever to reply. 

On 23/02/2023 at 00:39, Lifewillbegood said:

i wonder if you have considered more intense therapy sessions to see if they help. In the US, there are treatment centers that offer 3hrs/day and even 6hrs/day ( currently virtually also) for 5days/weeks

Thank you so much for the advice, @Lifewillbegood, and I'm sorry your wife is struggling as well - I wish you both strength to overcome this. I'm not sure if this is possible in the UK, but even if it would be, I don't think I could afford it. 

On 23/02/2023 at 00:14, DRS1 said:

Also have a think about what you want by getting better. What is the real goal you have with it?

I'm really not sure, @DRS1. I'm not even sure if I want to get better - it seems comfortable, at times, to be miserable. I don't have goals in life so I don't know how getting better would help me. Unfortunately, I'm not a bright, skillful person and have a hard time to stick with any hobby/interest. 

On 23/02/2023 at 09:59, malina said:

Well, I think that you have more than just one issue here. I think your low self esteem and negativity about yourself are huge barriers. You treat everything like it's your fault. Every minor mistake is a stain on your character. It's honestly upsetting to see such a nice person like yourself constantly trashing herself. Just through talking with you, I can see that you have so many positive things, but you don't see any of it. I think you need to separate these awful thoughts, caused by OCD, from your character. But that is hard when you think so badly of your character to begin with.

I agree, malina, I struggle a lot of with low self esteem, I can even say that I despise myself. I know I have to work on it but it's a really difficult thing to do.

On 23/02/2023 at 09:59, malina said:

You also treat many things like they are such a big deal. I think this is partly because you're still very young, but it's too much. Like your view of the world is so rigid and any violation from nice, polite, perfect behaviour is a complete tragedy. I think you need to learn to relax and stop thinking that everything is such a big drama. That ties in with the low self esteem point above, because any violation from perfect thought, emotion or behaviour on your own part is an extra level of tragic in your eyes. I don't see how anybody could live up to such high standards.

But sometimes they are a big deal. I really don't want them to be but they are. For example, I'm the primary influence on my brother (because of how much time we spend together) and I can't hide from the fact that I might have altered his life is a very negative way. I'm not good as a career and I've made a lot of mistakes, and that's definitely left a mark on him. I can be toxic sometimes (say thins that I later regret, use the silent treatment) and even though I want to be and do better, I fail 9 out of 10 times. This is a really big deal for me. What if when he grows up, makes a bad decision and ruins his life (and other's too) and all of that is because of what I said and did while he was growing up? 

On 23/02/2023 at 10:49, Angst said:

Why do you not conjure up prideful memories - thing you have achieved, compassion you have shown and love you have expressed?

I'm so sorry, Angst, but I don't have many of these. But I will try and work with the ones I have. 

On 23/02/2023 at 12:31, Caramoole said:

You still head here to carry out compulsions and as long as you use this method to try and deal with the panicky feelings, nothing will change for the better

I'm not sure what to say, Caramoole. I'm definitely struggling very much at the moment and I only seem to succeed at not doing compulsions during the therapy hour. 

[Caramoole]

Quote

I'm not sure what to say, Caramoole. I'm definitely struggling very much at the moment and I only seem to succeed at not doing compulsions during the therapy hour. 

So, what are you going to do to change that?  You say you're not really sure you want to get better.......really???  So, you want to stay as this person (who you perceive) is a horrible one, one who's ruining her Brother's life, is a Racist, an immoral pervert(your interpretation not mine)  Are you wanting to stay like that?  If not, then you do want to get better but in order to do that you have to work out a plan to change how you currently handle things.