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I have ended up in another dip, crying in the morning, depression really bad. I called the Mental Health services to see where I am in the waiting list, 9 months to a year so earliest end of the year. The Psychiatrist has instead of once every few months has put it to almost once every 6 months.

I have had to call another group to try and get some interim counselling to fill the gap, closest 11 April. 

I am going to end up having to go private at this rate as I can't stay off work much longer, I want to get on with my life, my coping mechanisms don't tend to work when my depression and OCD is so severe.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a Therapist around Edinburgh?

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12 minutes ago, Cam81 said:

I have ended up in another dip, crying in the morning, depression really bad. I called the Mental Health services to see where I am in the waiting list, 9 months to a year so earliest end of the year. The Psychiatrist has instead of once every few months has put it to almost once every 6 months.

I have had to call another group to try and get some interim counselling to fill the gap, closest 11 April. 

I am going to end up having to go private at this rate as I can't stay off work much longer, I want to get on with my life, my coping mechanisms don't tend to work when my depression and OCD is so severe.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a Therapist around Edinburgh?

I'm probably going over already trodden ground here but have you tried self help books at all? 

 

Also I'd just be weary about counselling and private therapists as they do need to know how to treat OCD. If they don't understand, they may try talk therapy which doesn't work and at least for me only made things worse.

 

The wait time is terrible and I get that and it should be better. When did you first get added to the waiting list? If we can help at least a little, what is it right now that you are struggling with in particular (at least in regard to OCD) that's keeping you stuck?

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I was referred in December after 3 months of assessments.

Basically I was due to start back at my work this week, however due to a minor storm in a tea cup tiff with a colleague from work, this set off a chain of events, starting with severe constant anxiety, which then opened the gate for depression which has caused my OCD to flare and exacerbate the depression.

As I have previously stated, I suffer from Pocd, when this flares up, my mind scans for memories of any pornographic video I have seen that has any doubt, as I have been talking to @howard, I have fixated on some animated videos I saw I  the past couple of years where the characters are based on 12 and 14 year old girls from last of us (I did not notice this then). I have done some searching, one of the videos is called Ritual by selfdrillingsms, (I know the worst thing I could do, checking), from what I can gather I think this guy ages up the characters to look 18+ but I cannot be 100% sure, as the bodies still look petite. I assumed that because this was on Pornhub that it was fine, and I was sure they looked OK and none of these videos have been banned. But I allowed myself to be turned on by the vids.

This has now put me in quite a deep depression, thinking I am the worst sort of human being, I have gave up looking at pornography entirely as I have found it can be triggering as there are women of all shapes and sizes and there are some categories that are designed to make women look younger. This has been discussed before on one of my previous posts on "In absolute crisis" so you can get more info there.

Thing is I know if the ages were stated or I genuinely thought they were underage I would never have looked at these videos, and I do know that I am not a peadophile.

Edited by Cam81
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3 hours ago, Cam81 said:

I was referred in December after 3 months of assessments.

Basically I was due to start back at my work this week, however due to a minor storm in a tea cup tiff with a colleague from work, this set off a chain of events, starting with severe constant anxiety, which then opened the gate for depression which has caused my OCD to flare and exacerbate the depression.

As I have previously stated, I suffer from Pocd, when this flares up, my mind scans for memories of any pornographic video I have seen that has any doubt, as I have been talking to @howard, I have fixated on some animated videos I saw I  the past couple of years where the characters are based on 12 and 14 year old girls from last of us (I did not notice this then). I have done some searching, one of the videos is called Ritual by selfdrillingsms, (I know the worst thing I could do, checking), from what I can gather I think this guy ages up the characters to look 18+ but I cannot be 100% sure, as the bodies still look petite. I assumed that because this was on Pornhub that it was fine, and I was sure they looked OK and none of these videos have been banned. But I allowed myself to be turned on by the vids.

This has now put me in quite a deep depression, thinking I am the worst sort of human being, I have gave up looking at pornography entirely as I have found it can be triggering as there are women of all shapes and sizes and there are some categories that are designed to make women look younger. This has been discussed before on one of my previous posts on "In absolute crisis" so you can get more info there.

Thing is I know if the ages were stated or I genuinely thought they were underage I would never have looked at these videos, and I do know that I am not a peadophile.

Hi Cam,

I would like to say that I have been in the same predicament as you were in regards to what content I saw in terms of animated videos. As to what you were mentioned, while I have never watched it, I have seen the content of that you mentioned browsing in the past as well. I learned that people who draw or animate such pornographic content typically tends to depict them as older than what they are officially are. Usually aged up and all. Though you can never be so sure anyways. 

I have had a flare up as a result as I have too found certain actors who look rather young-looking to be rather triggering and concerning. While it isn't clear that the characters are of age, real life actors are as there info to verify them. I usually avoid animated content due to them tending to go the extreme. I have done similar things myself. You will never be 100% sure if they were underage or not, and being aroused doesn't necessarily mean anything. There is a thing called Arousal non-concordance, hopefully this will help you understand.

I never usually reply to post because of my own predicament and circumstances, but I have experienced the same concerns and fears as you have.

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Hi @RocketFall200,

Firstly, thankyou so much for having the strength to talk to me about this, I really do appreciate it.

Can you share what coping strategies you carry out when you get flare ups. Usually I do the 5,4,3,2,1 and listen to meditation music, but when the flare is so intense, and I cannot think of anything but, my strategies do nothing.

I did have a little good news today, the secretary to the Psychiatrist managed to have a word with the Dr and they are managing to fit me in at the end of the month. I am going to bring up with him again whether my body has became resilient to Citalopram as going to 60mg really does not seem to have made much of a difference.

I know I need to move on from this, as it is in the past and is not relevant to my future, but my over the top black and white OCD conscience has kicked in and can't stop ruminating. Logically I know it really is ridiculous, but when I am depressed the OCD tends to kick my posterior.

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19 hours ago, Cam81 said:

Hi @RocketFall200,

Firstly, thankyou so much for having the strength to talk to me about this, I really do appreciate it.

Can you share what coping strategies you carry out when you get flare ups. Usually I do the 5,4,3,2,1 and listen to meditation music, but when the flare is so intense, and I cannot think of anything but, my strategies do nothing.

I did have a little good news today, the secretary to the Psychiatrist managed to have a word with the Dr and they are managing to fit me in at the end of the month. I am going to bring up with him again whether my body has became resilient to Citalopram as going to 60mg really does not seem to have made much of a difference.

I know I need to move on from this, as it is in the past and is not relevant to my future, but my over the top black and white OCD conscience has kicked in and can't stop ruminating. Logically I know it really is ridiculous, but when I am depressed the OCD tends to kick my posterior.

I do not have any strategies here, unfortunately. Though, The way I managed to move past this and overcome it was reading other people's posts of others who have had similar experiences when it comes to certain content as the one you mentioned, whether animated or drawn. So talking to others about it, is what helped me move on from it, and I never found myself ruminating on this anymore. This was an issue that bothered me for a while a couple years ago or so. 

It could help but I feel more likely, it may only constitute a form of reassurance. So I don't want to provide that as a coping strategy here, since I am not well-versed myself here. I have an issue before that I intend to search or google for people who have faced similar problems or issues in the past, which was only a compulsion for seeking reassurance in my case.

 

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Thanks @RocketFall200, problem is my mind makes these things bigger than they actually are but working out how to move on is not easy, especially when my mind starts scanning (for things that will mentally hurt me) in the morning. Getting out of bed is a real struggle too.

I have been out for a walk today for an hour, now playing a game, and I can feel the anxiety in my chest and stomach, even though I am concentrating on my game, it's still there lurking. And that is what keeps my depression going.

 

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You do sound less distressed today and it's good you've been doing some positive things like going for a walk.

(This is actually one forum, that when there's fewer people posting it's probably a good sign).

I'm still thinking about this(but anyone who knows about this or has any other ideas please add them and help us make sense of a growing problem).

That idea about 'having to rebuild ourselves everyday', I've had that idea for a while, but it was only talking and thinking about it that I made the obvious link that if we have repressed negative thoughts and ideas into our 'subconscious minds', then during sleep they have an impact on us. And powerful negative thoughts or memories can hit us hard.

I think that pornography is addictive and if a person also has OCD that can compound the problem. I think some creators do have a vested interest in getting people hooked to pornography, mostly for financial reasons. They are selling fantasies, it's powerful stuff.

I remember when Skyrim was popular and creators starting using mods, many of the screenshots, videos and artworks, sexualised the female characters(women) in the game. I just thought, what did they expect would happen, as it's predominantly young male players. Even HZD which is considered quite politically correct, Aloy has some fantasy type costumes in the game. But creators also use mods to sexualise her.

But with The Last of Us, it becomes a problem because of the age of the characters. It's a game I'd like to play(but it's not on PC), but Ellie and the other characters are younger, and in the game they are not sexualised. But some creators probably see a market or an audience. It's a bit like a trap.

I did find a site that talks about POCD, it's only an introduction to the problem; it says(and I share it for anyone who is having these issues which are often compounded by shame).

1.You have these experiences because you are a caring and sensitive person with high anxiety. Not because you are bad.

2.There are many people in the world experiencing a similar situation to yours.

3.Exposure and Response Prevention is an evidenced method to help manage OCD. It has the potential to free you from your OCD prison and to enable you to lead a  more fulfilling life where you can start focusing on your goals. 

from>         https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/pocd-fear-of-being-a-paedophile

 

 

 

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Struggling really badly today, as suspected, my focus has shifted to another series of amateur videos I saw of a couple stripping and having sex, I later found the couple were 16 (again on pornhub, later on a website for the lass), a while later I looked at a couple of the videos again. I know the legal age is 16 in this country, but this does not make me feel any better, as I feel I should not have been tempted to look. I understand I did have an addiction to pornography which did scew my thinking. I have now put processes in place for me to not look at pornography again, as it is a major trigger for me.

I am aware that 99% of people that will have seen these wont have batted an eye but I am. I realise now that online porn is just a minefield that is just not worth it.

How do I get past this Obsessive guilt and rumination and move on. I have been crying my eyes out as I am in intense grief.

Edited by Cam81
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Well it's like I said to you. It's not your fault that you were drawn into that fantasy construct world at a young age.

Didn't you say you had some counselling starting soon, so you could start there and get help with the OCD part of the problem.

You could then get therapy with a specialist in addiction to pornography, or a psychiatrist. It's good to have something to focus on like therapy in the future or focus on anything else that distracts you from replaying those videos in your mind.

Did you contact any of those therapists in the counselling directory above, in your area?

Maybe just start with an email or phone call as they are trained to help you. Cost is irrelevant when you feel so distressed.

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I haven't yet but I am researching therapists in the area, and I will be contacting them. Problem is the therapists with the CBT qualification are few and far between.

I do have that Psychiatrist appointment on the 30th.

These videos I saw were only in the past few years, but I suppose it is better late than never to learn from a mistake although better not to have made the mistake in the first place.  As a friend taught me, WIGIG (What is gone is gone) although when the obsession is so strong in your head you can't see past it.

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Yes I know, and it's easy for me to be objective from outside the mental storm. The thing is because you were drawn in at a young age, you wouldn't have had the maturity to know about ethical lines and where to draw them and they probably became blurred, which could continue to this day(I don't know).

It might be worth just contacting a therapist in your area and see what they suggest. They no doubt have some sort of network and can maybe refer you to someone they think can help. The 30th isn't far away, so focus on that and prepare yourself so that you make the most of it.

Maybe one day when you've got through this, you could utilise what you've learnt and help other people. I think addicts have more respect for those who have experienced what they are going through and can offer them insight and hope.

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You need to stop scanning for memories and searching the internet for supposed proof of wrongdoing. I find that if an intrusive memory pops into my mind then you label it as intrusive and move on. Images are powerful and have a strong emotional impact. I was reading about the effect of memory images on people prone to OCD and depression. The specialist team at Oxford are doing research on it. Also remember the stuff about behavioural activation for depression? Doing things that you enjoy will divert your attention. You need not be a prisoner of your emotions or mood.

Edited by Angst
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I have an appointment with a private psychologist tomorrow, I asked them all the relevant questions to which they replied they treat OCD and use the Brain Lock method. 

I am already very nervous as I am going to have to go over old ground with them which I find very difficult.

I tried another 2 psychologists however one said the dont treat cases as severe and the other is not doing face to face and she said by my info that I emailed her that is what I need.

I have had to delay my counselling assessment through my work as I feel this one is more important.

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Just had to look up Brain Lock method. It does seem to include some of the suggestions we've made but probably in a more structured way. You'll have to let us know how it goes and what you think.

And you are bound to be 'nervous' this is a difficult subject to discuss, but it is the exact reason you are seeking and need help. They won't judge you.

I think many people may have addictions in their lives at some point, and most people at some point suffer from depression.

But once you find a way to conquer the addictions, or find a way back from depression then you feel much more able to handle and deal with both of those in the future.

(I've got to the point now where I feel like life can throw anything at me, I can handle it).

 

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On 17/03/2023 at 13:47, Cam81 said:

I have ended up in another dip, crying in the morning, depression really bad. I called the Mental Health services to see where I am in the waiting list, 9 months to a year so earliest end of the year. The Psychiatrist has instead of once every few months has put it to almost once every 6 months.

I have had to call another group to try and get some interim counselling to fill the gap, closest 11 April. 

I am going to end up having to go private at this rate as I can't stay off work much longer, I want to get on with my life, my coping mechanisms don't tend to work when my depression and OCD is so severe.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a Therapist around Edinburgh?

Hello,

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I also apologise for a very late reply (so maybe you don't need these info anymore but just in case...) but I thought the information might still be somewhat helpful.

I am also currently living in Edinburgh and am seeing a private therapist here for CBT.

It is expensive but, at least for me, it has been super helpful. Here are two places you might find helpful/be interested in:

https://www.craigiepartnership.co.uk/edinburgh-psychology-services

https://www.edinburghtherapy.co.uk/

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Good luck and remember you're not alone!

Edited by Angelina K.
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Just on a different note, I was wondering how would people describe OCD, Addiction and Depression.

In that post above(10 above) OCD is described as a prison, but it must like most of these generalised labels have different meanings for different people.

I was thinking depression is like falling (or being pushed by external events) down a dark well. So when down at the bottom in the dark we have to construct our own way out.

Addiction is a difficult one, some get drawn in, others it's to numb the mental pain, but it's like a warm pleasant cave, alluring but also a trap.

 

Edited by howard
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That's a good question:

OCD - to me is like being strapped into a chair, eyes forced open whilst you are in front of a point blank screen being forced to relive,  re-experience and manufacture your worst fears and worst self. It can be relentless.

Depression - a constant smother of weight, pulling you down till you can't speak, thick numbness.

Addiction - to me its indicative of the hormone monster in big mouth tv series, its a thought saying you can't live without me, you will miss me, its also another you, saying "it's all good" when no, it is not.

Anxiety/Panic - is the gateway to depression and OCD, its the twitchy floodgate in a dam.

Edited by Cam81
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Wow so vivid. It just shows how each of these conditions affects us all differently and how they make us feel(don't know this 'hormone monster', but will check it out). I was thinking along the lines of visuallising the conditions might help in some way, but not even sure what that is yet.

I had a strange experience last night. You know how our minds process the thoughts, and experiences of the day, well it was like I was objectively watching my mind do that. The thoughts kept appearing, and then after processing they had been filed away and my mind was blank.

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Yes I can see why you would visualise the 'hormone monstress', (and I don't know but that may indicate that hormones were affecting you strongly at a certain time).

I do find visualising what seems quite abstract to me helps, but then again I tend to think visually. Drawing or painting what is happening internally is a way of objectifying those thoughts and memories. Making them explicit.

I did some voluntary work, just an art group with homeless men. Many had mental health/addiction issues and would express what was happening internally. One guy had had a nervous breakdown and started by drawing black circles, round and round overlapping each other, but later he switched to calm beach, breaking waves scenes. Another guy drew angry faces which was how he felt behind his mask.

The idea of OCD as a 'prison' was from a therapist. I see OCD as an invisible structure which extends from my mind into the real world. If I know that once it goes beyond the limits of my mind that it has no reality or power, that helps me.

But I can see how your visualisation fits with your experience of OCD.

I'd refine my 'addiction' image. It's what we get addicted to that takes us to that cave. I also saw the cave as being lined with pink fur and having lava lamp pillars, but thought this is getting womb like, which actually makes sense. A bit like those Sensory rooms which help calm autistic children.

 

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Well, I had my first private session yesterday, ofcourse the initial assessment is me giving them the life story so they can assess me properly.

My wife was instructed (even though she already knew this) to not entertain my ruminations or confessing.

My homework is to read the 'Brain Lock' book.

The Psychologist (after my asking) informed me that POCD is unfortunately one of the most common forms of OCD that she sees. 

Ofcourse I asked her not to contact my GP (after she gave me the option) as I would most likely be taken off the NHS list.

Everytime I tried to gave her examples of my ruminations, she basically informed me any past guilt is IRRELEVANT. Any worries from my past are a wasted energy and space. Any thought that makes me think I am IRRELEVANT.

I am not saying any of this is going to be easy, hell OCD is the hard challenge I have ever had in my life. I am still waking up very depressed, anxious and fragile, I am seeing the Psychiatrist this week coming so I need to discuss my Citalopram as there is no way I should be as low as I am on the dose I am on, I am curious whether since I have been on this for 20 years, if my body has become use to it. 

My next appointment is next Saturday so 🤞.

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Hey good to hear. I've been wondering how you got on. It's going to take a while so obviously don't expect instant changes, 'still waking up very depressed, anxious and fragile'. But she's obviously being firm with you about ' confessing, ruminations and past guilt'.

Also good to have a book to reference and learn from while you are in therapy.

(I'm going to look into some of these medications many of you are all taking. I studied organic chemistry originally and worked in a laboratory).

 

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