Advice please

[MarieJo]

I was just wondering if any of you also have an obsessive character in everyday life, ie do you find it hard to forgive and forget if someone does something to upset you? I am struggling atm not with my usual OCD worries but with everyday life issues and feeling really disappointed in people I trusted.

My cousin has recently upset me, she restricted what I could see of hers on fb for some reason. I found out and was so hurt. I can be very confrontational and direct so went straight in with "it appears you did this and I am hurt, it's very personal,  why would you do this to me?" She denied doing it on purpose (but I don't believe her) now she is acting upset at my accusation). My daughter has fb so I know from the comparison of what we could both see that I was not wrong and to restrict someone has to be a conscious decision as there are quite a few stages involved so it's not that easy.

I feel really hurt, it's unsettled me and I am obsessing over why she did it and what's wrong with me. I feel so annoyed and upset I feel like i am being made to feel bad for something someone else did to me.

I am feeling like a few people need to hear some home truth around me, I have been so let down by so many people in my life and feel I have zero tollerance now. I just cannot let things go when I have a bit between my teeth. I messaged by cousin and said I had accepted her explanation that it was in fact done in error (even though I don't believe that) and has has now ignored me!!! Fuming, disappointed, offended and hurt

Edited March 28, 2023 by MarieJo

[snowbear]

Hi Marie Jo,

I don't know that it's OCD exactly, but maybe it could be described as a form of distorted or biased thinking.

What I'm hearing is

- you're making certain assumptions about why your cousin restricted what you see on Facebook

- you're treating this triviality as if it was the same thing as being shut out of her life in reality

- you're putting your feelings over this in the same package as every other hurt life has ever thrown at you instead of treating it on its own merits

- [whether you realise it or not] you're choosing to hold onto the fuming, disappointed, offended and hurt feelings instead of letting them go.

 

So, where do you start in order to fix this?

Have you tried looking at any of it from a different point of view? Or has only one way of seeing it occurred to you as yet?

Restricting who sees what on Facebook is a perfectly normal, recommended security issue for keeping yourself safe and not sharing too much information with strangers. Never mind the whole irritating 'friends of friends' thing - some of your cousin's friends might even allow any old person online to see their stuff! (And by default anything that gets shared with them.) The only way to stop that is to restrict who sees what, but the filters FB provide are pretty crude - little short of closest family Vs anybody in the world with online access. So maybe it's not a personal thing at all - you just jumped to the conclusion it had to be her choosing to cut you out because of some personal issue instead of her having made some pretty random clicks on a computer once upon a time.

We all need reminding sometimes that social media isn't the same thing as real life. All this 'like' button and 'friend' stuff is just people being lazy socially. Trouble is that too often it becomes a substitute for proper communication.   Over time people forget that real texts or phone calls deserve a response. So perhaps she's not actively ignoring you so much as not thinking a response was necessary. (Her explanation was accepted, drama over, on to the next thing without giving it further consideration.)

When you've suffered a lot of rejection or hurt in life it's not unexpected if you get caught up in biased thinking. You start wearing 'Everybody is out to hurt me' goggles instead of seeing each new thing that happens to you with fresh eyes. All you can do is be aware that those goggles exist and aim to consciously take them off before jumping to conclusions. Practise approaching everything in life with an open mind.

When there's a lot of unresolved anger over previous hurts, hurting is a very familiar feeling. We humans like to feel what feels familiar. So when something new hurts you, the tendency may be to wallow in the familiarity of that pain instead of choosing to seek out less familiar feelings such as forgiveness, happiness, serenity and so on. 

Though many people don't realise it, what we feel is a choice. Sure, you get thumped and the immediate response is anger or whatever. But within seconds of the surprise wearing off we are free to choose how to respond next. You could choose to shrug, walk away and go do something you enjoy that will quickly make you feel happy, make you laugh. All that is stopping you is lack of practise at managing your own emotions. So maybe it's time to learn!   (I was in my 50s before I started learning how to manage my emotions sucessfully; it's never too late to start!)

What do you think? Are you obsessing over it, ruminating? Hanging onto the familiarity of the hurt maybe?

Could you insteasd try distracting yourself with something that makes you feel calm or happy?Take control of how you feel so it's your choice that decides it, not what other people do.

 

[MarieJo]

Thanks for the response Snowbear.

I know it sounds petty but it feels very personal. I get that people restrict what strangers can see on social media for security reasons but to restrict a close family member (but not other family members) can only be taken as personal. She said it was an error so I accepted that on the surface, but deep down don't believe it to be and now will have a problem with forgiving and forgetting going forward probably.

I do agree though that I am holding on to lots of hurt and disappointment from the past and getting overly angry at anyone's misdemeanours now. I need to change this mindset for my own happiness and peace of mind.

What hurts is that I am always mindful of the feelings of others, I hate hurting anyone, but find so many people do not reciprocate this decency. I need to learn to put my happiness first and accept that not everyone has the same moral compass as me. Not particularly talking about this incident but lots of stuff in the past.

I am in therapy for my OCD and GAD and it's going pretty well but I do have a tendency to hold on to grudges, i literally have a list in my head of everyone that has wronged me or hurt me and the list seems fairly long at times. I make things really big in my head and can shut off feelings for people when they hurt me, i dont think I am wrong for feeling upset with things that have gone before but I know i need to let go of so much negatively for my own sake.

I ruminate lots, I am getting better but still struggle to let things go and get quite angry alot. Really though, beneath the anger is quite a bit of pain at how shallow and unkind so many people can be.

Thanks for listening 

 

[snowbear]

2 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

I do have a tendency to hold on to grudges, i literally have a list in my head of everyone that has wronged me or hurt me and the list seems fairly long at times. I make things really big in my head and can shut off feelings for people when they hurt me, i dont think I am wrong for feeling upset with things that have gone before but I know i need to let go of so much negatively for my own sake.

This was me to a Tee.

I am still a work in progress, but I'm now able to let go of most grudges in an instant and shrug off a lot of stuff that once used to drive me crazy with the sense of injustice and anger it created in me.

I started to change my response after (separately) coming across mindfulness and positive psychology. The mindfulness taught me to live in the present (instead of the past) and the positive psychology taught me how to generate positive feelings on a whim so I can choose how I want to feel and am not at the mercy of what's just happened to me.

I also learned about metta meditation - sending good wishes out into the universe for those who have hurt you. Truth be told, the first time I heard about it I rolled my eyes and thought ''yeah, yeah...psychology ''      

But after about 2 years I revisted the idea and discovered it genuinely works! Exactly the same as forgiveness works, it's all about changing how you feel and nothing whatsoever to do with the other person or what they have done.

Just thought that might be of interest if you're looking for somewhere to start with changing things.