Sorry - Did something stupid (Merged Thread)

[DRS1]

1 hour ago, Hal said:

They don't 'appear' to be knowledgeable...they are, Paul. But leaving that aside, we did have as I said another forum where replies and guidance were posted from many members of the community. One that stands out was by Scott around Sex & OCD which we regularly referred to & needed to be found quickly rather than trawling through other posts as Lynz has mentioned, or having to use the search option. It really is as simple as that. I don't quite see why doing that to help the whole community would make people feel their own views were less valued, surely they don't have to be mutually exclusive. 

I think that post in particular has been really good and helpful over the years it seems (long before I ever joined the forum).

[Angst]

Hi NLL

Have you found the recent posts useful? I may be in the minority but I still think that professional therapy will help you. Self help can help for some but not for all. There has been a switch in focus away the content of your current  obsessions.

I have found therapy very useful. But it depends on the therapist. It was a huge relief to find a therapist who understood how memory works. A good therapist will keep up to date on current developments in therapy. I think referral to PST will be helpful.

 

[Nolightleft]

I have worked on theory a and b also how to stop rumination,the advantages and disadvantages of compulsions,ie confessions but still I'm stuck with the core belief that I guess would be at the center of the vicious flower is that I am a vile dishonest pervert for having them so even though I recognise the thing I do I just can't not believe they are not wrong,thought action fusion,moral scrupulously,whatever it's called I BELIEVE,I have done wrong and having a ex care coordinator and unfortunately a wife who has those veiws makes it much much harder,I wish my wife had turned round and said she fantasized about mass orgies with a mate,I would probably be in a better place than it being confirmed how wrong she finds it,it's convinced me more seeing it her way,it's bloody awful, really don't know if I will ever not feel guilt and torture for these thing,

Edited May 21, 2023 by Nolightleft

[Angst]

I think that I had a very good grasp of ‘cognitive biases’ and things like thought action fusion. But an ‘intellectual’ grasp is different to a practical grasp of these things. A therapist in her/his office will stretch out these diagrams with you. A good therapist with good knowledge and interactional skills will support you. I think that there is a social element to your problems - your ex care coordinator and your wife. These are significant others. To discount their views takes a lot of effort and resolve and confidence. It is easier if you have somebody on your side who’s concerned with you. A supportive therapist can help you with this. You report back week by week on your experiences. You got over your other themes therefore you will get over the current theme. Today’s Sunday please do something very active and enjoyable.

[Nolightleft]

It's just the waiting game,hate to say it but I took 8 diazipan and the same amount of sleeping tablets,I know it's not a lot,it's all I had,went to a church,all it did is made me sleep and wet myself,the need to confess these things is crushing yet if I did something I'd forgotten would then take center stage,this really is no exiistance,feel like a fraud constantly 

[Hal]

12 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

It's just the waiting game,hate to say it but I took 8 diazipan and the same amount of sleeping tablets,I know it's not a lot,it's all I had,went to a church,all it did is made me sleep and wet myself,the need to confess these things is crushing yet if I did something I'd forgotten would then take center stage,this really is no exiistance,feel like a fraud constantly 

How long ago did you take the diazepam & sleeping tablets? I think you need to call 111 or 999 immediately to pass this by them....

[Nolightleft]

It's fine,they were only 2mg tablets,this was over 15 hours ago,it was stupid, something would have happened between 1 to 5 hours

[Hal]

It's great you're fine but not fine at the same time. It's incredibly dangerous doing something like that. Between my earlier reply and yours I sent a text to Ashley, I honestly thought we were going to have to call an ambulance out to you.

[Ashley]

9 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

It's fine,they were only 2mg tablets,this was over 15 hours ago,it was stupid, something would have happened between 1 to 5 hours

I am sorry you are having a tough time. In order to ensure your well-being can you call the home crisis team (you can find yours here - https://www.awp.nhs.uk/our-services/community-services/adult-intensive-bristol-bristol-crisis ).  Let them know what you did so they can assess if you need checking or additional support. 

If you can't get through then please call NHS 111 and let them know what you took to see if any help needs to be sent.

Please let us know how you get on, I am sure your friends on here would welcome the reassurance the crisis services are aware and looking after you.

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou for all you're support,I have looked up how long it would take,if something would have happened it would have happened between 1 and 5 hours,111 are a joke ,sorry I've had no joy from them,its the crisis team who gave me diazipan, thankyou though,I'm going for a walk in the sun around a lake,hope I can enjoy it

[Ashley]

3 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thankyou for all you're support,I have looked up how long it would take,if something would have happened it would have happened between 1 and 5 hours,111 are a joke ,sorry I've had no joy from them,its the crisis team who gave me diazipan, thankyou though,I'm going for a walk in the sun around a lake,hope I can enjoy it

I understand your frustration with services, but we are not medically trained so please do check in with one of the services for your sake.  I am sure I speak for us all that we all want your wellbeing. 

[Lynz]

Hi NLL I agree with Hal and Ashley please check in with the crisis team. Even if they do nothing but send you on your way it would be reassuring to us that you have been checked over.

[Nolightleft]

Thanks,I rang crisis,they told me to ring 111,they asked me l load of heath questions,nothing unusual, someone will ring me in a few hours,apart from my guilt over fantasies I feel physically ok

[Angst]

Take the mobile and go for that walk. I never had a problem with diazepam and such like. As the doctors would only give me very few at a time. Despite my pleading. In this thread Caramoole gave her account of coming off benzodiazepines. It was from the heart. A friend had a similar experience and had to spend months at the Maudsley. But I am pretty certain or hope that they prescribe small dosages. They can help for a very short time, apparently. Good you had the checks.

 

 

[Lynz]

39 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thanks,I rang crisis,they told me to ring 111,they asked me l load of heath questions,nothing unusual, someone will ring me in a few hours,apart from my guilt over fantasies I feel physically ok

That's good to hear, NLL. Look after yourself x

[Nolightleft]

It's the constant needing to confess,I've held it off but have indicated there's a lot more,I told my wife when I confess something else takes its place,she told me I'm not meant to do compulsions and I have to say to myself do t confess it's selfish and for me to relieve my guilt but hurt her in the process,she made it clear not to but I still think she has a right to know particular fantasies like the ones decades ago about her sister or the weird one of stepsons ex or the 2 rough women down the street,I really want to tell her,it's so cruel even when told not to,always think I'm holding important information about myself from her so she doesn't know the real me,the second I wake up,image after image after image,I can't not react,I try so hard not to but I cant

[Angst]

As Caramoole said the images and your reaction are two separate things. You have taken on board this idea. I could be wrong but it’s kinda image - rumination - confession sequence. I think you are stuck in a loop. The loop is unpleasant. I think talking to a therapist over a sustained period will help. You will learn that you have a choice not to feel this way. Strong feelings will not harm you but taking things to cushion the feelings will. I think alcoholics in recovery know this. Is there a OCD support group in your city? Direct your attention to enjoyable things. All of us can identify with your feelings.

[Nolightleft]

I have had primary care therapists,vitramind,12 sessions,then secondary care therapists,no limit,when I have seen them I get it,they teach me what I should do to nip it in the bud,I'm serious when I say,when the obsessions take over it is a force so strong so crippling so powerful,no amount of CBT can curb it,I appreciate people who it has helped,it's a raging storm,

[Ashley]

I know you’re finding it tough. But maybe it’s time to take a look at how your responses to people trying to help are playing a part in your current malaise. They post with ideas, you nearly always throw negatives back. I get it, sometimes when life’s tough all we see is the bad.

You mention every service is poor, every treatment won’t work. We’ve all been there, me too. But we have to keep trying with them.  Maybe they are poor services, maybe they won’t help, but equally maybe, just maybe they might next time. 

 

7 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

when the obsessions take over it is a force so strong so crippling so powerful

At some time or another many of us here have felt likely this. We have all had those moments. But somehow, people do get through it, for some the journey is shorter and easier than others. You can too, but you’ve got to believe it first, even if you just accept it’s possible to get better, even if you’re not fully sure it will happen, that’s a start. With belief it’s possible we are then more likely to be open to going again with therapy, with helping ourselves take that next step towards recovery. 

Many pages back I suggested taking some time to read one or two of the better self-help books. Maybe they won’t help either, but then again maybe they might help gain some perspective on the intrusive thoughts. But unless I’ve missed it, I don’t think you took up the suggestion. 

But, maybe our support isn’t helping either. I guess it’s not as im not sure we are any further forward than page one. So perhaps we should do this another way, how we can help you to help yourself? What can I do to help you when things feel too much? 

[Nolightleft]

I honestly don't think I'll ever forgive myself for having such dirty fantasies behind wife's back

[snowbear]

NLL, did you even bother to read Ashley's caring and thoughtful post before you came back yet again posting the same old compulsive rubbish?  Honestly! I could swing for you right now!

Come onm. Put SOME effort in. Show willing at least.

[Nolightleft]

Sorry,thankyou Ashley,your all such good people,it's just the urge to confess is overriding everything,I wish I could just confess  

[eualice2]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

Sorry,thankyou Ashley,your all such good people,it's just the urge to confess is overriding everything,I wish I could just confess  

So aside from the fact that the obsessions bother you, are you there because you feel guilty about having the fantasies? But we are not the same people as 10 years ago and we will not be the same people 10 years from now. And that's a good thing. Forgive yourself for that. Even if it was something wrong, but it's not, don't you think you've suffered enough? That you are a good person and deserve to have peace?

[Nolightleft]

Sorry I'm not sure I understand,

Yes I feel guilty for my fantasies,I've fantasized about many other women,also people we know and also very perverted things I really wouldn't want in reality,I just can't help believe it's wrong and I can't forgive myself,I've never imagined anyone while making love to my wife but in private yes,it's killing me with guilt

[eualice2]

21 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Sorry I'm not sure I understand,

Yes I feel guilty for my fantasies,I've fantasized about many other women,also people we know and also very perverted things I really wouldn't want in reality,I just can't help believe it's wrong and I can't forgive myself,I've never imagined anyone while making love to my wife but in private yes,it's killing me with guilt

My English is from google translator, sorry.

 

I said you've suffered enough from that guilt. You've suffered enough. If you think you made a mistake, then forgive yourself. Think that you and your wife deserve to be happy. The ocd robbed me of years, opportunities, and still does. In addition to suffering from this, I also suffer for everything I lost. Don't let him steal your life from you too.