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I'm sorry to bother you, @snowbear, but I'm struggling today with the racist thoughts, especially the ones I posted on here a few days ago, and with accepting that I'm deserving of forgiveness and a better life. 

I know this is so stupid but I'm watching someone my age on youtube (they're filming their daily life and don't seem fake) and I want their life. They seem so genuinely beautiful (especially on the inside) and smart. I want to be them. I am so jealous of them that it could make me cry. 

I'm also very frustrated with myself. I'm trying to apply for a library job at my uni but I struggle to even write the supporting statement.  I feel so stupid and incompetent. I also have to write some notes for my brother's school appeal and have no idea where to start.

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19 hours ago, bluegas said:

It dose go to show and prove it’s all ocd thou !! And how strong it can be ! Like I completely get the thing with your brother as I’ve been there a million times and being a pedo and hated by society’ is a massive fear of mine to !   Yet I’ve got a black father-in-law mixed race sister in law ! And I get intrusive racist thoughts  but I suppose because becoming a racist don’t bother me  the obsessing can’t set in! I suppose my brain is happy to accept the uncertainty on this one !! I wish it could on everything else ! Again I know this is not particularly helpful but I think sometimes seeing ocd for what it is can help and I hope this isn’t reassurance but it dose interest me the dynamics of ocd and how it finds  away in ! Literally the last thing I am is racist but just typing this out I recon the N word has popped in my head  at least 20 times! Yet I’m more than happy to accept I’m not racist!! But I can hardly look at a kid or even another adult woman because I’d  convince my self I don’t love my wife or I’m a pervert pedo !! Go figure!! Ocd’s a **** 

Hi @bluegas

I'm very sorry you're also struggling. I do understand what you mean about being a pervert and a peadophile. I struggle with the same thing on a daily basis. 

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21 minutes ago, Cora said:

They seem so genuinely beautiful (especially on the inside) and smart. I want to be them.

So? Be like them! There's nothing stopping you.

If they are truly beautiful on the inside they'll be self-forgiving and self-kind. They'll get intrusive thoughts (everybody does) but instead of buying into the thoughts and worrying about them this beautiful-on-the-inside person understands that thoughts don't matter. They are willing to accept they might be racist, or a paedophile, or a really horrible person, but they don't dwell on the possibility or treat it as if it was fact.

This beautiful-on-the-inside person also knows how to deal with frustration and jealousy. Instead of holding onto the negative emotions, they simply let it go and choose to go do something that makes them feel positive.

You want to be like them? Great! Go for it. :)

You know what you have to do.

Try it. Stop dwelling on the fear of being racist, let go of the frustration. Go and do something that generates a positive emotion in you for a bit and then sit down and write your job application letter.

Changing your mindset isn't complicated. You just give it a go!

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry to bother you, @snowbear, but I'm struggling today with the racist thoughts, especially the ones I posted on here a few days ago, and with accepting that I'm deserving of forgiveness and a better life. 

 

The problem is Cora that you're here looking for Snowbear to offer reassurance and comforting words.  "Please reassure me that I'm not a racist.........and please comfort me by confirming  that I'm a good and deserving person"  All completely understandable when we're feeling wretched :( Sadly, words alone won't work.....well not for very long.

55 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Go and do something that generates a positive emotion in you for a bit and then sit down and write your job application letter.

Changing your mindset isn't complicated. You just give it a go!

It's not complicated but like anything, it's not always straightforward......well it is but it takes work to shift the gears and do something that differs from the normal response.

Are you at home, are you at work?  What do you do with your time when you're at home?  Do you have any hobbies, do any sport or anything.

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Thank you, @snowbear and @Caramoole

39 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

The problem is Cora that you're here looking for Snowbear to offer reassurance and comforting words.  "Please reassure me that I'm not a racist.........and please comfort me by confirming  that I'm a good and deserving person"

I definitely am looking for reassurance. I promise I understand that it doesn't work in the long run but I'm addicted to it like I am to sugar.

But I think I desperately want it because of how real it all feels, especially the racist thoughts. I'm a lot on social media and come across a lot of useful, interesting videos about how to improve your CV, perform great in an interview and anything related to getting a job you want. Some of the videos are created by people from India and I feel like I want to skip them because I'm either bothered by their accent (even though I have an accent myself as I'm from an eastern european country) or think they're less smart than White people. I have actually skipped a few and the ones I wanted to but didn't, I forced myself to watch until the end because otherwise I would prove myself that I'm racist indeed.

This is what I mean. Or I was looking for something to watch while I had my dinner and saw a cooking show where the trailer had a Black person in it and I instantly told myself I didn't want to watch it because of them. I didn't but I saved to watch it later, and still haven't. I'm so very sorry. 

48 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Are you at home, are you at work?  What do you do with your time when you're at home?  Do you have any hobbies, do any sport or anything.

I'm currently at home and I was cleaning the bathroom but stopped for a break. 

I have a lot of books to read and used to like to run but I've become so lazy and uninterested in doing anything useful. And also think that there's no point to do it anyway since I am who I am (i.e not a great person).  

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14 minutes ago, Cora said:

But I think I desperately want it because of how real it all feels, especially the racist thoughts. I'm a lot on social media and come across a lot of useful, interesting videos about how to improve your CV, perform great in an interview and anything related to getting a job you want. Some of the videos are created by people from India and I feel like I want to skip them because I'm either bothered by their accent (even though I have an accent myself as I'm from an eastern european country) or think they're less smart than White people. I have actually skipped a few and the ones I wanted to but didn't, I forced myself to watch until the end because otherwise I would prove myself that I'm racist indeed.

This is what I mean. Or I was looking for something to watch while I had my dinner and saw a cooking show where the trailer had a Black person in it and I instantly told myself I didn't want to watch it because of them. I didn't but I saved to watch it later, and still haven't. I'm so very sorry. 

Is this happening still because of OCD? Because it doesn't make sense...

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10 minutes ago, Cora said:

Is this happening still because of OCD? Because it doesn't make sense...

Then there's not much point discussing things.  As you've said, you're craving reassurance and I hope it's not given.  Try to use some if the many suggestions you've been given here bu hopefully the therapy with CADAT will get through to you in a way we haven't been able to.  However, you will have to discipline yourself to work with them, if you just keep coming back here and continuing with the compulsions, you'll struggle.  Please don't waste the opportunity when it comes.

 

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18 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

hopefully the therapy with CADAT will get through to you in a way we haven't been able to.  However, you will have to discipline yourself to work with them, if you just keep coming back here and continuing with the compulsions, you'll struggle.  Please don't waste the opportunity when it comes.

This is my concern too.  :unsure:  

In the past you've used your therapy sessions to gratify the desire for reassurance instead of for challenging your thinking.

And none of your replies in recent weeks show that you've taken on board the need to do things differently. You're still hooked on getting reassurance and seem unwilling to try any other approach until you've been reassured.

But then when you get reassurance you immediately ditch any attempt to challenge yourself and go off whistling happily :whistling:   - for as long as it lasts. Then you're back asking for more reassurance.

 

12 minutes ago, Cora said:

why is my case so complicated? Why does it get worse and worse? Is it all my fault? 

 

Your case isn't the least bit complicated. It's one of the most straightforward cases of OCD we've seen.

It gets worse and worse because you keep trying to make the problem go away by seeking reassurance.

Is it your fault?

I genuinely don't know the answer to that. Your reassurance seeking gets disguised in a million and one sneaky ways. I can't tell if you're aware that's what you're doing or if you're blind to it. :unsure:

Either way, blame thinking and 'fault' is the wrong approach.

You need a complete overhaul in your thinking.

And the only way to achieve that is to approach this with an open mind.

Ditch the fault- thinking. Ditch the self-depreciation. Be willing to hear some home truths that you might not like, might not want to be true.

Then get to work on changing your reaction to any upsetting thoughts you have and put in the work on changing your behaviour (in particular stop seeking reassurance. )

Maybe you are a racist. Maybe not. But if you are then you need to accept it and find a way to live with yourself - or change yourself.

Continuing on with this self-testing, self-doubting and seeking reassurance to put a sticky plaster on the hurt is a form of self-harm. You may need to address your self-harm issues with the therapist when you get there as well as the OCD. And your low self-esteem.

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21 minutes ago, Cora said:

 @Caramoole, why is my case so complicated? Why does it get worse and worse? Is it all my fault? 

Again, it's not at all complicated.  Is it your fault?  Fault's not the right word really but you do have to accept personal responsibility for some of it.  Currently, you (and most of us at some times) take the route of least resistance, like reassurance seeking, because it's easier and creates less anxiety and doubt.......sadly though, it doesn't work.

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27 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Then get to work on changing your reaction to any upsetting thoughts you have and put in the work on changing your behaviour (in particular stop seeking reassurance. )

Maybe you are a racist. Maybe not. But if you are then you need to accept it and find a way to live with yourself - or change yourself.

@snowbear, I have accepted before that I could be a racist. And I have also accepted that what's done is done and I'm allowed to change. But here's the thing. As soon as I try to change, something bigger comes in (like saying a slur while having feelings of satisfaction or agreeing with the thought that a person looks like an animal) and the desire to change is gone. 

I am so ashamed of being in this situation. 

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17 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Again, it's not at all complicated.  Is it your fault?  Fault's not the right word really but you do have to accept personal responsibility for some of it.  Currently, you (and most of us at some times) take the route of least resistance, like reassurance seeking, because it's easier and creates less anxiety and doubt.......sadly though, it doesn't work.

I do accept it. 

I think that even if hurts so much I just have to accept that I could be a racist. But then what I do about my relationships? Do I break up with boyfriend? Do I lose contact with my friend? I've been thinking about this but then how do I tell them that... 

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1 minute ago, Cora said:

I do accept it. 

I think that even if hurts so much I just have to accept that I could be a racist. But then what I do about my relationships? Do I break up with boyfriend? Do I lose contact with my friend? I've been thinking about this but then how do I tell them that... 

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying.......When I say "accept personal responsibilty" I mean your role in "changing your current reactions" to these doubts, changing your response.  It has always been by way of carrying out compulsions.....reassurance seeking, rumination, research, questioning etc etc.  As long as you react in this way to the doubts/intrusive thoughts ( whatever they may be) nothing will improve

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10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying.......When I say "accept personal responsibilty" I mean your role in "changing your current reactions" to these doubts, changing your response

Sorry, @Caramoole, that's my bad. I did understand what you said, I should have been more clear. 

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59 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Continuing on with this self-testing, self-doubting and seeking reassurance to put a sticky plaster on the hurt is a form of self-harm.

@snowbear, I know how annoying it is for me to focus on the little details instead of the big picture but there is no self testing. It all comes as a natural thing. Self doubting and seeking reassurance - yes, but no self testing. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. 

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21 minutes ago, Cora said:

But then what I do about my relationships? Do I break up with boyfriend? Do I lose contact with my friend? I've been thinking about this but then how do I tell them that... 

But this shows you still don't understand what's going on.  You do nothing different about your relationships, you continue with them as now.  You don't look up articles on racism, you work on stopping the rumination....the thinking about it, the questioning, evidence seeking, looking to others for answers.  Try & fill that time with something positive, something absorbing

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I have also accepted that what's done is done and I'm allowed to change. But here's the thing. ...

 

What did I say earlier about that word BUT?

Here's the proof. Yet again you reply with Yes....BUT....

And you go straight on to say something which shows you're total unwillingness to accept whatever it is that you've just said you've accepted.  :omg_smilie:

 

Quote

As soon as I try to change, something bigger comes in and the desire to change is gone. 

'Something bigger comes along' is a falsehood. It's never something bigger, or something different. It's always just one more intrusive thought.

You treat it as if it was something new or bigger. Which is exactly the same way you reacted to ALL the previous intrusive thoughts.

This  same old same old reaction is you giving yourself an excuse to carry on as before. 'I can't be expected to apply what I've been told because this one is new (it's not), this one is different (it's not), this one is bigger and badder than the last one (it's not)

Go on lying to yourself like this if you want, but the only person you're fooling is yourself.

If your desire to change is so easily gone then maybe it's not a deep enough, strong enough desire to change. You have to want this to change, Cora.

Not just flimsy-wimsy 'want' it, but WANT it.

Want it so bad that you are willing to put yourself through some discomfort. Want it enough to stick with the plan even when the going gets rough.

If you aren't there yet then you'll be wasting the therapists time. Your wasting your own time. You're wasting your life. Nothing is going to change until you put in the work to make it change. That takes guts. It takes commitment. It means wanting the change enough to stick at it no matter what.

And that includes sticking at it when the baddest, biggest, worst ever thought pops into your head at THE worst possible moment and sends your brain reeling. You take a deep breath, get yourself back on track and treat the next intrusive thought, and the next - and every upsetting thought after that - treat them all as OCD.

Don't buy into it. Don't analyse it. Don't fight it. Don't question it.

If you do that you won't NEED reassurance because there'll be no little voice in your head saying 'This makes me a bad person. (And if there is a little voice saying that then you remind yourself that part of the plan of action is to ignore it.)

 

1 hour ago, Cora said:

there is no self testing. It all comes as a natural thing.

Wrong.

There's nothing automated or 'natural' about it. It happens because you choose to do it.

It's not me who's got the wrong idea. It's you. Every time you're challenged you wriggle around trying to get things to fit the  'this is me, this is who I am' framework you've created for yourself. You need to smash that framework to smittereens and look at everything afresh.

What we are discussing here is what you need to discuss in your therapy sessions.

Not one word about the type of thoughts you're having.  :no:

Not one detail on the content. :no:

Just looking at the assumptions and interpretations you make, evaluating the mental framework you've created, and understanding how that makes you jump to these illogical conclusions that upset you. 

 

Prepare yourself now for the need to totally rethink your approach. Open your mind in readiness of interpreting things differently.

 

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46 minutes ago, snowbear said:

If you aren't there yet then you'll be wasting the therapists time. Your wasting your own time. You're wasting your life. Nothing is going to change until you put in the work to make it change. That takes guts. It takes commitment. It means wanting the change enough to stick at it no matter what.

This is the thing that worries me :(  If you go along "Hoping" this will self-resolve because these therapists have some specialist skill to make it stop, you'll be disappointed.  You're still going to have to do the work, apply the therapy

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I'm being selfish for posting this, I know, but I want your opinion. 

My boyfriend's dad had a stroke yesterday morning and his situation is not looking good. I've known him for some time now and I thought that by now I would feel a lot more empathy and sadness hearing this news. But that's far from the truth. I feel like I'm forcing the empathy and feelings of sadness because they're not coming in naturally. While I was talking to my boyfriend, after his dad was taken to the hospital, I kept feeling like I wanted to laugh. And I couldn't feel sad or even cry. I just wanted to laugh. Same thing happened when he told me about a colleague at work whose husband is in a coma because of a stroke as well. I feel like I'm a monster and my boyfriend doesn't deserve this. 

Even with this news, I still behave inappropriately instead of thinking and caring about my boyfriend and the way he feels. Yesterday I had a few occasions where I would make eye contact with customers at work and feeling like I wanted to flirt with them or having thoughts that they liked me. Even in this situation.

I also thought that I would see my boyfriend less now and that made me feel a bit angry and frustrated. This morning I realised how messed up that is. I shouldn't care about that. I should care about him and his family. 

I also don't know what to say to him and I keep telling him that. Because I really don't. I can't say that everything is going to be okay because we don't know that. All I can say is that I'm sorry.  

When I got home from work last night, I had dinner and watched my show like nothing happened. I was actually eager to watch that show. And it didn't feel like a form of escapism, it felt like I didn't care. 

What is wrong with me? Why do I not care more about this? Why do I feel like I'm a soulless monster pretending to be a nice person? 

Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong with me? 

(I even feel like there is something wrong with me just by posting this.)

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1 minute ago, Cora said:

I'm being selfish for posting this, I know, but I want your opinion. 

My boyfriend's dad had a stroke yesterday morning and his situation is not looking good. I've known him for some time now and I thought that by now I would feel a lot more empathy and sadness hearing this news. But that's far from the truth. I feel like I'm forcing the empathy and feelings of sadness because they're not coming in naturally. While I was talking to my boyfriend, after his dad was taken to the hospital, I kept feeling like I wanted to laugh. And I couldn't feel sad or even cry. I just wanted to laugh. Same thing happened when he told me about a colleague at work whose husband is in a coma because of a stroke as well. I feel like I'm a monster and my boyfriend doesn't deserve this. 

Even with this news, I still behave inappropriately instead of thinking and caring about my boyfriend and the way he feels. Yesterday I had a few occasions where I would make eye contact with customers at work and feeling like I wanted to flirt with them or having thoughts that they liked me. Even in this situation.

I also thought that I would see my boyfriend less now and that made me feel a bit angry and frustrated. This morning I realised how messed up that is. I shouldn't care about that. I should care about him and his family. 

I also don't know what to say to him and I keep telling him that. Because I really don't. I can't say that everything is going to be okay because we don't know that. All I can say is that I'm sorry.  

When I got home from work last night, I had dinner and watched my show like nothing happened. I was actually eager to watch that show. And it didn't feel like a form of escapism, it felt like I didn't care. 

What is wrong with me? Why do I not care more about this? Why do I feel like I'm a soulless monster pretending to be a nice person? 

Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong with me? 

(I even feel like there is something wrong with me just by posting this.)

Cora. New trigger. Same problem. Same compulsion. You can't keep asking for reassurance. You know it's temporary in its benefit. Rather than give you reassurance how about I ask you a question.

 

Each time you post with the same trigger or a different one, what is it you hope you get when you ask us if you are a monster or some derivative word that you have used before?

 

For that answer, do you feel that your objective is met or do you feel that you don't get what you are looking for when you post with new triggers every time?

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21 minutes ago, DRS1 said:

what is it you hope you get when you ask us if you are a monster or some derivative word that you have used before?

Sometimes I genuinely want an answer (yes or no), just like with today's trigger. Sometimes I think it's reassurance seeking. 

23 minutes ago, DRS1 said:

For that answer, do you feel that your objective is met or do you feel that you don't get what you are looking for when you post with new triggers every time?

I don't think I have an objective to be met. But I could say yes, I don't get what I'm looking for which, according to my previous answer, is  reassurance or a yes or no. 

I probably sound selfish and greedy. 

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17 minutes ago, Cora said:

Sometimes I genuinely want an answer (yes or no), just like with today's trigger. Sometimes I think it's reassurance seeking. 

I don't think I have an objective to be met. But I could say yes, I don't get what I'm looking for which, according to my previous answer, is  reassurance or a yes or no. 

I probably sound selfish and greedy. 

I think the issue is that you see your question and wanting a yes or no answer as non reassurance seeking but even if you look at your post, you aren't asking just one question, you asked 4.

 

51 minutes ago, Cora said:

What is wrong with me? Why do I not care more about this? Why do I feel like I'm a soulless monster pretending to be a nice person? 

Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong with me? 

It makes it difficult to answer these without reinforcing OCD. The best thing you can do in these scenarios is instead of immediately coming onto the forum to get that reassurance, try and do the ERP. Go back over that moment in your head, exaggerate it. Picture it as if you did laugh out loud and what other people's reactions would be. With all that anxiety and uncertainty, letting it be there is the biggest sign you can send to OCD to tell it you are done worrying about this and obeying it's flawed logic 

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@DRS1 and @PolarBear, I'm not ignoring your replies, I promise. But the situation is getting worse. 

I might sound selfish but I can't help thinking that he had a stroke because of me. Before the stroke he had a few internal bleedings which were caused by the stoma bag (bowel cancer). One time when I stayed over at their house, I used (or tried to) some wet wipes without asking. They belonged to him and he was using them to clean the area where the stoma bag was connected (I think). I don't remember if my hands were clean but I was in the bathroom and I could have contaminated them, which could have caused an infection. I told my boyfriend and begged him to ask his dad to throw them away but that didn't happen. I think a few weeks later he had his first internal bleeding. 

And there was also this moment (and it's really embarrassing to say it here) where I didn't wash my hands after going to the toilet. Even though I shouldn't use an excuse for that, my hands were really dry, bleeding and hurting so I didn't want to make them worse. I tried to not touch the door because I felt like there was something wet on my hand (and there probably was) after wipping but I did accidently touch it with my palm. I'm worried that he could have caught an infection from that, too. 

Could have I caused this? 

I know I should have been extra careful knowing he had cancer but I didn't and I regret it very much. 

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9 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm being selfish for posting this, I know, but I want your opinion.  [I should never be selfish]

 I thought that by now I would feel a lot more empathy and sadness hearing this news. But that's far from the truth. [I ought to feel a certain way]

I feel like I'm forcing the empathy and feelings of sadness because they're not coming in naturally. [I ought to feel natural empathy]

 I kept feeling like I wanted to laugh. [Misinterpreting a normal emotional reaction as bad because it wasn't what you thought it should be]

And I couldn't feel sad or even cry. [ I ought to be sad or crying]

Yesterday I had a few occasions where I would make eye contact with customers at work and feeling like I wanted to flirt with them or having thoughts that they liked me. Even in this situation. [I ought to be acting differently instead of getting on with normal life and normal things - like being flirty.]

I also thought that I would see my boyfriend less now and that made me feel a bit angry and frustrated. This morning I realised how messed up that is. I shouldn't care about that. I should care about him and his family. 

I also don't know what to say to him and I keep telling him that. Because I really don't. I can't say that everything is going to be okay because we don't know that. All I can say is that I'm sorry.  [I ought to know what to say.]

When I got home from work last night, I had dinner and watched my show like nothing happened. I was actually eager to watch that show. And it didn't feel like a form of escapism, it felt like I didn't care. [I shouldn't be doing normal things, not even for a short time]

Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong with me? [There ought to be something wrong with me - I need there to be a fault to explain my behaviour to myself]

 

 

Cora, this post is littered with statements that are based on should and ought.

This is called a thinking distortion. A flawed way of thinking about the world that assumes there is one right way of doing things and anything different is wrong.

I've highlighted each of them in bold so you can see just how shockingly often you use this kind of distorted thinking. :omg_smilie:

There's no law in the universe that says there has to be one particular emotional reaction to a particular trigger. Emotions aren't that neatly packaged.

You need to start recognising that you simply had an emotional reaction. Not be off on one thinking 'Was it the one and only permissible emotion allowed?'  and 'Anybody who doesn't react correctly is a monster.'

There is no such thing as a correct emotional reaction to anything. There is no law in the universe that decides what is a permissible emotional reaction. There is no law passing judgement on people for reacting in different ways to bad news (or to any given situation.)

 

Then there's your distorted belief that after hearing bad news there is one and only one right way to spend your time thereafter. :confused1:   Utter nonsense.

It likely comes from some nonsense you tell yourself that 'I ought to be demonstating my empathy by restricting my normal activities'

Which is more of the 'ought to' kind of thinking flaw.

By far the best thing to do after receiving bad news is to get on with normal life.

But you don't. You have all these 'ought' and 'should' beliefs with their permissions and regulations dictating how you live and breathe every moment of your life.

This way of thinking is clearly very deeply ingrained in you, Cora. It's going to take a lot of conscious awareness, hard work and practise for you to change it. But if you are willing to change the way you think it will remove many of the miseries you currently suffer from your OCD and in your daily life.

 

Good news! This is a heads up for you. :)  You have a new session of therapy coming up.  Use it to talk about this  'should/ ought' thinking flaw and how to change it.

 

And in the meantime, just listen to yourself.

Become aware of just how often your thoughts are littered with 'should' and the rules that go with it. Including the mistaken belief there is one right way to live life and everything else is monstrous and wrong.

When you catch yourself thinking that way, remind yourself there is no should or ought.

Aim to set aside the nonsense rules that such flawed thinking creates and get on with doing normal things instead of trying to correct something that you're thinking distortion labelled as wrong.

 

23 minutes ago, Cora said:

Could have I caused this? 

I know I should have been extra careful knowing he had cancer but I didn't and I regret it very much. 

 

I'm not even going to answer this. :mad: It's blatant reassurance seeking.

If you change the way you think you wouldn't create these guilty feelings for yourself in the first place.

Focus on fixing the problem with your thinking, Cora. Not on some nonsense ideas that flawed thinking produces.

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