Racism again

[Angst]

 Cora

Good news about CADAT. An excellent service.

[Cora]

I feel very grossed out and embarrassed for posting this. I wanted to keep this to myself because there's nothing I can do now but I feel like one of the most horrible people in the world and want to speak to you. 

I had a very disgusting thought about a disabled colleague at work. I thought that because they are disabled they are less human and have less cognitive functions than non-disabled people. I basically thought that they were going to do something wrong and were incapable of doing it right just because they are disabled. I was a 100% convinced they weren't going to do that task correctly and it makes me feel sick. And while I was having that thought, I looked at them for a few seconds which means I agreed with the thought. Why did I have to look at them?

This is what I mean by not deserving anything good. I am discriminating people left and right so why should I get a chance at a better life?!

That thought, just like the racist thoughts, felt like a core belief, and that has to mean something. 

I'm not trying to make you angry with me but I honestly feel like I've reached another horrible point in my life. What am I supposed to do with this moment?

I really want to confess to my boyfriend because he needs to know who he is with in a relationship but I've told him way too many things already. 

Edited May 20, 2023 by Cora

[DRS1]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

I feel very grossed out and embarrassed for posting this. I wanted to keep this to myself because there's nothing I can do now but I feel like one of the most horrible people in the world and want to speak to you. 

I had a very disgusting thought about a disabled colleague at work. I thought that because they are disabled they are less human and have less cognitive functions than non-disabled people. I basically thought that they were going to do something wrong and were incapable of doing it right just because they are disabled. I was a 100% convinced they weren't going to do that task correctly and it makes me feel sick. And while I was having that thought, I looked at them for a few seconds which means I agreed with the thought. Why did I have to look at them?

This is what I mean by not deserving anything good. I am discriminating people left and right so why should I get a chance at a better life?!

That thought, just like the racist thoughts, felt like a core belief, and that has to mean something. 

I'm not trying to make you angry with me but I honestly feel like I've reached another horrible point in my life. What am I supposed to do with this moment?

I really want to confess to my boyfriend because he needs to know who he is with in a relationship but I've told him way too many things already. 

You have already just confessed in this post.

[malina]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

felt like a core belief

You keep saying this phrase "core belief", what does that even mean?

[Cora]

12 minutes ago, malina said:

You keep saying this phrase "core belief", what does that even mean?

To me it means that it's something I truly believe in or something that I fundamentally agree with it. I'm not sure if that makes sense but it feels like a fact or like a natural reaction. 

[Cora]

I don't want to be that kind of person and I'm obviously trying to learn from my mistakes but these beliefs are not changing and I can't stand that. 

[PolarBear]

56 minutes ago, Cora said:

I don't want to be that kind of person and I'm obviously trying to learn from my mistakes but these beliefs are not changing and I can't stand that. 

What is not changing is your reaction to these situations. 

Confessing in your post.

Seeking reassurance. 

Expecting us to be grossed out.

Expecting us to think badly of you.

Putting yourself down.

These are Cora trademarks. You continually do them. You have for years. And nothing changes. Tomorrow it will be a new thought and you'll go through the same ritual.

You are a hamster on a wheel. You just keep going round, endlessly. We are here trying to tell you that you can choose to get off the wheel.

[Caramoole]

This is just you typing out/ repeating intrusive, muddled thoughts.  It's not helping you one iota.

I'm really pleased you've been accepted by CADAT but would urge you to spend some time between now & the start of treatment to think about what you yourself can do to change how you apply the therapy they offer.  Hopefully, it will be specialist enough to get through to you but even so, as with the four therapists you've had, "unless" you start to apply the methods yourself day in, day out.....just seeing a therapist won't work on it's own.  You have to put the work in even when it's tough.  

Clearly, it's your choice but I would seriously consider deferring the Masters and putting the work & study into your therapy and well-being instead and doing it when you're of clearer mind

[Cora]

I want to give up. Nothing is worth this misery. It hurts very much and these days it doesn't feel like OCD because most of the thoughts are on purpose. 

I can't help but feel like I'm a real monster because it feels too real. And yes, if it didn't feel real, it wouldn't be a problem, but the details and intensity of it is too much. I don't know how much more I can handle. 

I don't think therapy will help. I will be stuck in the same cycle where I have the urge to confess and ask for reassurance. And then what do I do after therapy? How do I keep going with so many things happening in my head and my past?! 

I want to disappear and never come back because there's simply no point anymore.  

[Cora]

I've had two memories resurface where I pressed my thighs together after my brother being in my room (in one of the instances he touched my shoulder) and I don't know what to do with them. Both times he entered the room to either ask something or because he was bored, and I think I stopped while still having my thighs touching but carrying on after he left. In the instance with the touch, it made the feelings even stronger.

If I bring this up in therapy, will they think it was abuse and possibly take him away? Do you think it was abuse? 

See, this is what I mean. Who else on this forum or in the OCD community has done anything like that? I'm really a monster and sometimes I wish I could be punished for all these moments, or just stop existing. 

At 24, nearly 25, I have a really messed up life. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a normal life. I'm so, so jealous of all my peers and it's just so unfair. All I want is regular problems, not this. 

I regret all those moments and I don't know what I was thinking. 

Edited May 23, 2023 by Cora

[DRS1]

16 minutes ago, Cora said:

I've had two memories resurface where I pressed my thighs together after my brother being in my room (in one of the instances he touched my shoulder) and I don't know what to do with them. Both times he entered the room to either ask something or because he was bored, and I think I stopped while still having my thighs touching but carrying on after he left. In the instance with the touch, it made the feelings even stronger.

If I bring this up in therapy, will they think it was abuse and possibly take him away? Do you think it was abuse? 

See, this is what I mean. Who else on this forum or in the OCD community has done anything like that? I'm really a monster and sometimes I wish I could be punished for all these moments, or just stop existing. 

At 24, nearly 25, I have a really messed up life. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a normal life. I'm so, so jealous of all my peers and it's just so unfair. All I want is regular problems, not this. 

I regret all those moments and I don't know what I was thinking. 

Cora you know exactly what you are looking for here and you aren't going to get it. No more reassurance. But you know what, I would bring it up to your therapist and here's why, if you go with the stuff you are most afraid to tell anyone about you will likely have a better chance at recovery through treatment. Maybe they will think it was abuse, maybe they won't but until you disclose it you will never know right?

[Cora]

2 hours ago, DRS1 said:

Maybe they will think it was abuse, maybe they won't but until you disclose it you will never know right?

But it's not as easy as it sounds because a child, and his family, is involved. 

I think I opened a can of worms by confessing because now I'm thinking about these different horrible outcomes. 

I do think I am messed up and will always have the tendency to create such disgusting moments. 

I feel hopeless. 

[Cora]

Can someone please tell me if that was abuse? Because a sexual sensation was enjoyed. 

[DRS1]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

Can someone please tell me if that was abuse? Because a sexual sensation was enjoyed. 

Translation: can someone please give me reassurance. Can you see why we are able to immediately point it out to you? We can not give you those answers and you know that. None of it is good enough to OCD

[Cora]

I feel so stupid for confessing and allowing myself to think back to those moments. I managed to bury these memories for 2 years and, now, one stupid move later, they're back.

[malina]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

I feel so stupid for confessing and allowing myself to think back to those moments. I managed to bury these memories for 2 years and, now, one stupid move later, they're back.

You shouldn't try to "bury" these thoughts, that is similar to reassurance seeking in many ways. When you actively try to avoid them, it makes it dangerous to think about them, meaning they still have a strong effect on you. You need to face them, be exposed to the memories without pushing them away, you need to relabel them and change your interpretation of them. You still have a lot of work to do.

[PolarBear]

15 minutes ago, Cora said:

I feel so stupid for confessing and allowing myself to think back to those moments. I managed to bury these memories for 2 years and, now, one stupid move later, they're back.

And what bothered you last week is suddenly not a big deal anymore. So now you'll go round and round in your head on this old one while confessing and seeking reassurance until you wear it out then it will be something new or something old to keep you going.

Round and round and round. The merry-go-round won't stop until you decide to stop pushing it.

[Cora]

4 minutes ago, malina said:

You shouldn't try to "bury" these thoughts, that is similar to reassurance seeking in many ways. When you actively try to avoid them, it makes it dangerous to think about them, meaning they still have a strong effect on you. You need to face them, be exposed to the memories without pushing them away, you need to relabel them and change your interpretation of them. You still have a lot of work to do.

Thank you, @malina.

I feel too dirty to do this exposure. And I know I am purposely not thinking of all the details because I'm scared of how bad it can make me feel. 

I am so so frustrated for doing what I did. It angers me so much that the past and present me never thinks of future me who has to deal with the shame and guilt.  

[malina]

Just now, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina.

I feel too dirty to do this exposure. And I know I am purposely not thinking of all the details because I'm scared of how bad it can make me feel. 

I am so so frustrated for doing what I did. It angers me so much that the past and present me never thinks of future me who has to deal with the shame and guilt.  

No, Cora, you are so so so wrong. Even if present you thinks of the future, avoiding thoughts and behaviours will keep future you miserable. Letting go and allowing yourself freedom, accepting that it is OCD, that is what will help future you. I don't know what to tell you, we have been stuck in this same cycle for years now but I believe that you'll understand this one day and do the right things.

[Cora]

2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

And what bothered you last week is suddenly not a big deal anymore. So now you'll go round and round in your head on this old one while confessing and seeking reassurance until you wear it out then it will be something new or something old to keep you going.

Round and round and round. The merry-go-round won't stop until you decide to stop pushing it.

I'm not disagreeing with you but things from last week, and even just yesterday, do still bother me, but today not as much. But it's definitely still there. 

[Cora]

1 minute ago, malina said:

No, Cora, you are so so so wrong. Even if present you thinks of the future, avoiding thoughts and behaviours will keep future you miserable. Letting go and allowing yourself freedom, accepting that it is OCD, that is what will help future you. I don't know what to tell you, we have been stuck in this same cycle for years now but I believe that you'll understand this one day and do the right things.

I agree that avoiding thoughts, feelings and behaviours is only making the problem worse, but (and I'm really sorry to have another but) that weird behaviour wasn't necessary. I could have gone outside for a walk, called my friend, or listened to some music, but instead of pressed my thighs together because of a sexual feeling caused by a thought. I don't know, it seems so messed up and wrong. I know it's in the past but the regret hurts a lot. I have that feeling of wanting to rip my skin off because I know I can never go back and change what happened. 

Also, I know nothing else can be added to what's already been said and it makes me feel bad because I put people in a difficult situation. I do realise that before I post but it's the desperation and hopelessness that always bring me back here. 

Can I please ask what to do before therapy starts? I don't want to be in a more miserable spot that I already am. 

[malina]

27 minutes ago, Cora said:

Can I please ask what to do before therapy starts? I don't want to be in a more miserable spot that I already am. 

You have already been in therapy, you have learned a lot. What do you think you should do?

[Cora]

9 hours ago, malina said:

You have already been in therapy, you have learned a lot. What do you think you should do?

I'm not sure about this, @malina. Normally, as you suggested, I would have to face the memories and sit with the anxiety. I don't want to sound childish but I don't want to do it by myself, I'm afraid of the outcome. 

[DRS1]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

I'm not sure about this, @malina. Normally, as you suggested, I would have to face the memories and sit with the anxiety. I don't want to sound childish but I don't want to do it by myself, I'm afraid of the outcome. 

But you need to take the risk Cora. I get the hesitancy but it's only you that can do this. Your therapist whoever they will be can't do it for you.

[Bev53]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Normally, as you suggested, I would have to face the memories and sit with the anxiety. I don't want to sound childish but I don't want to do it by myself, I'm afraid of the outcome. 

I don't think you literally need to sit with the memories and do nothing. You need to observe them, not do your usual compulsions i.e. ruminating and trying to work out what they mean about you as a person, and get on with your day.