HOCD turned gay

[Eric Dave]

I was diagnosed with hocd in 2009 but it looks like I actually am gay.  The symptoms and sensations I had then are different to now.  Back then if I checked with gay porn I couldnt get aroused and found it boring.  Since 2007 to 2022 this was the case.  Since last year when I check I am actually getting an adrenaline rush and getting some arousal. 

Also back in the early days if I kissed girls I still got aroused.  Now its not arousing me.  Straight porn which used to really arouse me is now boring.

Back then I used to get the odd groinal response.  In 2010 it happened maybe every 2 weeks.  Now its literally every time I see a topless man and I feel tingling and bloodflow and sort of sexual tension. 

I dont have much terror anymore, more severe disappointment and resignation.

I am beginning to believe that hocd is a nonsense diagnosis and groinals are actually arousal.

[Ashley]

1 minute ago, Eric Dave said:

I was diagnosed with hocd in 2009 but it looks like I actually am gay.

We have been here before Eric, many times.  If you truly, deeply believe this, why are you posting on the OCD support forums?

The fact is you may be gay, but from what you have written I would suggest you are not gay, your OCD makes you fear being gay. What you are stating in your thread is you are getting an adrenaline rush and arousal when you do a compulsion. That in itself doesn't mean you are gay, and most people get a rush and feelings when doing compulsions.

3 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

I am beginning to believe that hocd is a nonsense diagnosis and groinals are actually arousal.

The term HOCD is a really rubbish and unhelpful term, I will give you that.   But groinals and arousal happen, and that doesnt mean you are gay.    I have perhaps said before, I would encourage you reach out to an OCD specialist to seek OCD treatment, and hopefully they will help you understand that is what you need, OCD treatment.

[Eric Dave]

A cry for help from anybody perhaps? 

Ashley, I dont understand how I never got aroused by gay porn and for 15 years when I tested nothing would happen.  It was my last resort checking mechanism that I would only do a few times a year.  Straight porn always worked.

 

Now it has reversed.  16 years from first checking.   Also I get this horrible horny feeling that I feel like I need to release.  Seeing men now not even topless can  cause me to feel this sort of intensity and groinal feeling.  This is new.

I used to tell myself that masturbating was a checking mechanism and it was at the start but now I feel like I need to do it to get rid of these horrible sexual feelings.

I have lost all hope this is an ocd problem.   I genuinely got aroused to women whether kissing them or in porn before.  Not its all gone.  I feel like I have lived being a  fraud with a fake identity now   I'm in my 40s.

[DRS1]

1 minute ago, Eric Dave said:

A cry for help from anybody perhaps? 

Ashley, I dont understand how I never got aroused by gay porn and for 15 years when I tested nothing would happen.  It was my last resort checking mechanism that I would only do a few times a year.  Straight porn always worked.

 

Now it has reversed.  16 years from first checking.   Also I get this horrible horny feeling that I feel like I need to release.  Seeing men now not even topless can  cause me to feel this sort of intensity and groinal feeling.  This is new.

I used to tell myself that masturbating was a checking mechanism and it was at the start but now I feel like I need to do it to get rid of these horrible sexual feelings.

I have lost all hope this is an ocd problem.   I genuinely got aroused to women whether kissing them or in porn before.  Not its all gone.  I feel like I have lived being a  fraud with a fake identity now   I'm in my 40s.

Refer back to @Ashley's post. Says all that needs to be said to be honest.

[PolarBear]

8 hours ago, Eric Dave said:

A cry for help from anybody perhaps? 

Ashley, I dont understand how I never got aroused by gay porn and for 15 years when I tested nothing would happen.  It was my last resort checking mechanism that I would only do a few times a year.  Straight porn always worked.

 

Now it has reversed.  16 years from first checking.   Also I get this horrible horny feeling that I feel like I need to release.  Seeing men now not even topless can  cause me to feel this sort of intensity and groinal feeling.  This is new.

I used to tell myself that masturbating was a checking mechanism and it was at the start but now I feel like I need to do it to get rid of these horrible sexual feelings.

I have lost all hope this is an ocd problem.   I genuinely got aroused to women whether kissing them or in porn before.  Not its all gone.  I feel like I have lived being a  fraud with a fake identity now   I'm in my 40s.

So, this is at least the twelfth time you've come here to proclaim that your problem is not OCD, that you have figured out you are gay. Oh yeah, at least 12 times, spanning many years.

Boy who cried wolf.

As I've asked many times, if you are gay and your problem is not OCD, why oh why are you posting on an OCD forum?

You can tell yourself you're gay. You can go get a boyfriend. You can have all the gay sex you want. But I'll tell you right now, again, that none of that will change your problem. You will remain stuck, where you have been for years. 

See you in a couple of months, when you come here to yet again tell us you are gay.

[Eric Dave]

I feel like I have been gaslit by the therapists and people on here.  I feel so obviously gay now because things have changed for me.  Reactions I used to get for women disappeared and have been replaced by reactions to men.  How the hell did that happen??  I feel depressed.    My fall back or last resort checking mechanism was porn.  I could always get aroused by straight and never by gay porn.  Like there are last resort antibiotics that are only to be used in an emergency.  Well now straight porn is not arousing me and gay porn is.  So my last resort for reassurring myself has now failed and confirming the doubts I always had.

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Eric Dave said:

Reactions I used to get for women disappeared and have been replaced by reactions to men.  How the hell did that happen?? 

 

It happened because you spent countless hours testing yourself with gay porn. Take this as a lesson that compulsive reassurance seeking doesn't work.

So, time to try a new approach, Dave.

I recommend you give up watching porn of any kind for a month or two at least. Give your poor confused brain a rest.

While you're going 'cold turkey' you can do some cognitive therapy on yourself.

 

1 hour ago, Eric Dave said:

 confirming the doubts I always had.

This is a misinterpretation which comes from your OCD thinking. Nothing has been confirmed.

You need to open your mind and start looking at this from a completely different angle.

If you are truly gay then great! Now you know. Phew! What a relief. What a joyous feeling to finally be out of the closet.

No? Not how you're feeling?   Then you're not truly gay.

Stop the self-testing.

Stop the reassurance seeking.

Go with the possibility you might be gay for a while.   Judge if it's right or wrong based on how you feel in your heart, not by what happens to your body part(s) in response to any kind of sexual stimulus.

I do wonder if you're addicted to porn too. It's clearly become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.  Can you stay off it for 2 months?    

Why don't you spend the next few weeks getting busy doing something that's not in any way related to sex? Take up a new hobby. Get out of the house and do some exercise. Take on a project of some kind that requires you to work at it and concentrate hard on it.

You will not solve this by doing what you've always done.

Are you willing to try this alternative approach?

 

[Angst]

On 16/05/2023 at 15:10, Eric Dave said:

A cry for help from anybody perhaps? 

Ashley, I dont understand how I never got aroused by gay porn and for 15 years when I tested nothing would happen.  It was my last resort checking mechanism that I would only do a few times a year.  Straight porn always worked.

 

Now it has reversed.  16 years from first checking.   Also I get this horrible horny feeling that I feel like I need to release.  Seeing men now not even topless can  cause me to feel this sort of intensity and groinal feeling.  This is new.

I used to tell myself that masturbating was a checking mechanism and it was at the start but now I feel like I need to do it to get rid of these horrible sexual feelings.

I have lost all hope this is an ocd problem.   I genuinely got aroused to women whether kissing them or in porn before.  Not its all gone.  I feel like I have lived being a  fraud with a fake identity now   I'm in my 40s.

If you have ‘lost all hope that this is an OCD problem’ then why post on an OCD? 

 

2 hours ago, Eric Dave said:

I feel like I have been gaslit by the therapists and people on here.  I feel so obviously gay now because things have changed for me.  Reactions I used to get for women disappeared and have been replaced by reactions to men.  How the hell did that happen??  I feel depressed.    My fall back or last resort checking mechanism was porn.  I could always get aroused by straight and never by gay porn.  Like there are last resort antibiotics that are only to be used in an emergency.  Well now straight porn is not arousing me and gay porn is.  So my last resort for reassurring myself has now failed and confirming the doubts I always had.

Gaslighting is when people deny the truth of what you are saying. It might be that you are suffering from internalised homophobia. The shame of same sex attraction. In many countries homosexuality is a crime. It can result in death. It used to be defined as a mental illness. Have you tried gay therapists?

Edited June 1, 2023 by Angst

[Eric Dave]

4 hours ago, Angst said:

If you have ‘lost all hope that this is an OCD problem’ then why post on an OCD? 

 

Gaslighting is when people deny the truth of what you are saying. It might be that you are suffering from internalised homophobia. The shame of same sex attraction. In many countries homosexuality is a crime. It can result in death. It used to be defined as a mental illness. Have you tried gay therapists?

No I havent tried gay therapists

[Angst]

I made the remark given you felt you were experiencing gaslighting. It is a horrible experience and I had it a few years ago from a neighbour. I would discuss the options with OCD UK and various advice agencies that exist to serve various communities.

[Ashley]

On 01/06/2023 at 16:18, Eric Dave said:

I feel like I have been gaslit by the therapists and people on here. 

So was you posting on the OCD forum for us to simply agree with you that you’re gay? 

Maybe you are, but equally maybe you’re just experiencing chronic OCD. Maybe you are gay and experiencing OCD too. 

Something I said to someone last week is that OCD-UK doesn’t exist to simply tell people what they want to hear, we exist to tell people what they ‘need’ to hear, and of course help them understand that. But to do that, the person needs to be ready to listen, are you?

 

[Eric Dave]

OCD can't cause what happened to me.  Groinal responses are arousal not some mythical OCD feeling.  I either have OCD or am gay.  If I'm gay but also OCD with internalised homophobia then there must be by that theory paedophiles on here who have OCD with internalised paedophobia.

Edited June 4, 2023 by Eric Dave

[Ashley]

1 hour ago, Eric Dave said:

 

OCD can't cause what happened to me.  Groinal responses are arousal not some mythical OCD feeling. 

 

Ok then. Shall I just keep agreeing with you? 

Your suggestion is incredibly unhelpful and potentially unfair and triggering on others with OCD, so please be mindful of this. 

I fear the reality is your insight on OCD seems either non-existent or your OCD is so powerful it’s overwhelming you and overriding what you know. What do you think?  Which of those (or both) are true?

[Eric Dave]

Hold on.  How can you be actually gay but also have HOCD about being gay but not be a paedophile but have POCD??  If you can actually be gay and have ocd about it then it stands to logical reason you can be a paedophile and have ocd about it.  

Groinals are arousal.  They arent an ocd manifestation.  I think your groin reacts because you are sexually attracted.

[PolarBear]

25 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

Hold on.  How can you be actually gay but also have HOCD about being gay

Spoiler

 

but not be a paedophile but have POCD??  If you can actually be gay and have ocd about it then it stands to logical reason you can be a paedophile and have ocd about it.  

Groinals are arousal.  They arent an ocd manifestation.  I think your groin reacts because you are sexually attracted.

In my view, you cannot be gay and have obsessions that you are gay. You cannot be a pedophile and have obsessions that you are a pedophile.

Groinals, as you call them, are sensations in the reproductive organs, ranging from twinge to erections. They are perfectly normal in all humans. What is not normal is the negative reaction to the sensations that OCD sufferers have. In fact, once a preoccupation begins with the sensations, a sufferer can inadvertently teach their mind to bring about the sensations with the proper stimulus, much like Pavlov's dogs.

[Eric Dave]

On 03/06/2023 at 12:19, Ashley said:

So was you posting on the OCD forum for us to simply agree with you that you’re gay? 

Maybe you are, but equally maybe you’re just experiencing chronic OCD. Maybe you are gay and experiencing OCD too. 

Something I said to someone last week is that OCD-UK doesn’t exist to simply tell people what they want to hear, we exist to tell people what they ‘need’ to hear, and of course help them understand that. But to do that, the person needs to be ready to listen, are you?

 

Ergo maybe POCD are paedophiles and experience OCD about it too.

Its the turned on feeling. The electrical surge. The feeling like you need to go masturbate like a horrible horniness that you dont want.  That from my experience is not an ocd creation.

 

[Ashley]

36 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

Groinals are arousal.  They arent an ocd manifestation.  I think your groin reacts because you are sexually attracted.

You think. There’s the problem, you’ve always failed to listen to our explanations of alternative theories, hence why we’re back here. 

The reality is the more someone with OCD fears and focusses on not being aroused or groinal sensations the more the groin reacts, and the OCD is convinced this means the person is gay. But it’s all a lie, the mind is simply talking to our body and OCD lies about what that means.

Much the same as when I see dog poo on the street, my hands start tingling because my OCD fears I might touch it. I haven’t touched it, but my OCD convinces me I have so I have to wash my hands.  

Same process, same OCD. 

 

[Ashley]

4 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

Ergo maybe POCD are paedophiles and experience OCD about it too.

Now you’re being disrespectful. We’ve helped you for years, but you don’t seem to want to listen, which is fine and your choice. But please don’t allow your lack of insight to project wild and damaging theories that will only upset and scare those affected with this type of OCD. 

[Eric Dave]

3 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Now you’re being disrespectful. We’ve helped you for years, but you don’t seem to want to listen, which is fine and your choice. But please don’t allow your lack of insight to project wild and damaging theories that will only upset and scare those affected with this type of OCD. 

You were the one who said you maybe be gay and have ocd.   If thats possible then its possible to be a paedophile and have ocd.   You used the word 'theory' and you put forward your 'theories'.   That's what I can't stand is theories as to what is happening not facts.  I cant buy into blind faith.

[Ashley]

Anybody can develop OCD, but the point I’m making is being fearful and worried of being gay, straight, paedophile or a even murder doesn’t mean you are those things or will become those things.  

[PolarBear]

23 minutes ago, Eric Dave said:

You were the one who said you maybe be gay and have ocd.   If thats possible then its possible to be a paedophile and have ocd.   You used the word 'theory' and you put forward your 'theories'.   That's what I can't stand is theories as to what is happening not facts.  I cant buy into blind faith.

Come on. You've been coming here for many years. Many times you have professed that you are gay. Has that changed anything? Nope.

Everything you are going through points to OCD. It always has. You simply won't accept it. You refuse to even consider the possibility that your problem is OCD. You refuse to listen to us. You reject everything we say. 

AND YET, every couple of months, you come here, to an OCD forum, to pronounce, yet again, that you are gay.

It would be nice if, for once, you gave up this charade.

[Eric Dave]

9 hours ago, Ashley said:

Anybody can develop OCD, but the point I’m making is being fearful and worried of being gay, straight, paedophile or a even murder doesn’t mean you are those things or will become those things.  

No, the point you made was you could be gay and have hocd too.

[Ashley]

1 minute ago, Eric Dave said:

No, the point you made was you could be gay and have hocd too.

Now you're putting words in my mouth/typing fingers. What I said was 'Maybe you are gay and experiencing OCD too', which can happen.  People who are gay can have OCD about their sexuality, not too dissimilar those experiencing relationship OCD worries may sometimes question their sexuality as part of their OCD because they are worried about the relationship not being real...  newsflash. they're not gay. they just suffer with OCD, presumably just like you.   

You're fixating on one small part of what I wrote, but I accept my clumsy wording to try and get you to see the wood for the trees wasn't helpful.  But for clarity I had posted after you again posted that groinal responses are an indication of you being gay and it couldn't possibly be OCD.  This is what I wrote.

On 03/06/2023 at 12:19, Ashley said:

So was you posting on the OCD forum for us to simply agree with you that you’re gay? 

Maybe you are, but equally maybe you’re just experiencing chronic OCD. Maybe you are gay and experiencing OCD too. 

 

You are adamant and have been for months you are gay, if so why are you here on the OCD forum?  Is it possible that deep down you do know that this is all about OCD?

I also wrote this...

On 04/06/2023 at 21:21, Ashley said:

I fear the reality is your insight on OCD seems either non-existent or your OCD is so powerful it’s overwhelming you and overriding what you know. What do you think?  Which of those (or both) are true?

We will help you, but you have to show us where you are and that you're open to the fact that you could, perhaps, have OCD after all.

[Ashley]

Obviously, I know a fair bit of your posting history on our and other forums, including forums for people about their sexuality.   You've spent a decade posting on forums looking for someone to tell you that you're gay, and when nobody does, and everybody, even on sexuality forums, tell you that this is anxiety and intrusive thoughts you continue to post on other forums.    You're going around in circles, and I am not sure we are part of your solution, but actually you're using the forums to engage in compulsions, which isn't helping you, we are hurting you I fear.  

We want to help you, but you need to help us, help you.  What can we do to help you move forward?

[Eric Dave]

Deep down I dont know its ocd.  I know deep down I dont like these feelings but they are real.  I was in a  good mood yesterday and came home and saw some images of men advertising workout products on social media and got arousal sensations down below and ever since have lingering feelings that the semen has built up inside me due to arousal and I need to relieve myself.  Thats not OCD.  It cant be. 

I have to be the biggest case of denial ever.