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A self-pity post: unsure about my future


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Hello everyone, 

I'm in a difficult position at the moment. I feel very stuck and undeserving of good things, especially a good future. I had an initial assessment with CADAT on Tuesday and tomorrow I'm supposed to receive a call back with information about whether they can help me or not. The possibility/idea of receiving help once again has fueled the worry of being told, sooner or later, that I'm actually a monster and don't have OCD. That, in return, has made feel even more unworthy, and I don't know how to proceed. 

I finished an undergraduate degree in science (mainly biology) and, unfortunately, got only a 2:2 due to OCD and procrastination turned into pure laziness; the latter is completely my fault and I'm extremely embarrassed and disgusted with myself for putting in such little effort and not having my laziness under control. My dissertation was one of my worst projects during the four years at uni and that's always going to be a shameful memory. Because of my grade and because of feeling like I didn't learn much or develop important, useful skills throughout the last two years at uni (I really didn't!), I consider that I don't deserve to work within my area of interest. And to be fully honest, I don't feel ready at all to have a job within in science at the moment - it doesn't sit right with me. Instead, I think it would make me feel better about myself and be morally right for me to do a master's degree (the uni I went to accepts students with 2:2s and I think they should be able to accept me in) where I would try my best to develop as many skills and learn as much as possible in order to start a career in science if I still wish to at the end of the programme. 

However, there's a problem with that, too. At this point in my life I don't believe I deserve to do a master's because of three reasons. The first reason is that I think I will fail just as I did with the bachelor's degree. The second reason is that I don't believe I'm not intelligent and capable enough to do a course with a much higher level of difficulty and intensity. And, finally, the third reason, is that it would a be a waste and unfair to the people I would study and work with since I could really be a racist, creepy monster. 

I turn 25 in August and feel like a complete waste of space and air. I have achieved absolutely nothing so far and most of the days have no desire to try harder. I gave myself a year to sort myself out and move out from my parents' house but I'm really scared I won't be able to achieve that. 

Thank you for reading and any advice would be, of course, really appreciated. 

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What about taking some time out in between studies assuming you go for the masters. Travel broadens the mind. You could go far or somewhere closer to home. Work at yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Try and be more positive if you can (not easy sometimes I know). Draw a line under any rubbish you have done and move onwards.

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Hi @daja and thank you for your reply. 

Unfortunately, I can't afford to travel and I think it would upset and disappointment my parents if I decided to do that. 

Also, I finished my degree in July last last year so I don't think I can take any more time out. 

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I am sorry Cora,

I hope CADAT can take you on, and that instead of telling you that you are a monster, it's the start of something that will help you thrive, not just with OCD but with life in general.

9 hours ago, Cora said:

the latter is completely my fault and I'm extremely embarrassed and disgusted with myself

I think this is definitely one of those times where we have to work on our self-care and compassion for ourselves.  Please don't feel embarrassed, I think it's amazing that you still got something, despite all the problems that OCD brings. So I still see a 2:2 as an achievement that I hope one day you feel proud of yourself. 

 

9 hours ago, Cora said:

I don't feel ready at all to have a job within in science at the moment - it doesn't sit right with me. Instead, I think it would make me feel better about myself and be morally right for me to do a master's degree

 

9 hours ago, Cora said:

turn 25 in August and feel like a complete waste of space and air. I have achieved absolutely nothing so far and most of the days have no desire to try harder. I gave myself a year to sort myself out and move out from my parents' house but I'm really scared I won't be able to achieve that. 

I don't know what is right for you, only you can decide that I guess, but if time allows, maybe see what happens with CADAT because if they can help you, maybe you will feel differently in a few weeks/months and you can make a clearer decision?   One thing I would say is try not to set yourself any specific timelines/deadlines, because I wonder if that will add more pressures.  Perhaps just have a general objective, but with no timeline for achieving it?

 

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I think I would give yourself some time and get yourself sorted first.  As for being lazy...I suspect few could admit they hadn't got through things on a wing and a prayer, especially when they were younger.  Maybe you will find science isn't the career for you but I think you need to be a lot more well before deciding that.  It's funny looking at age.....at 25, 25 seems ancient......trust me, you're a mere babe, lots if time for career choices any anything else 🙂

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Cora,

the level of self deprication in this post is really sad and honestly makes me kind of angry. I'm not angry with you but with life in general. How is it that such a lovely, caring, hard working person like yourself feels like this, while others just breeze through life.

Do you really believe that people succeed because they are somehow worthy? Look at the inequalities that are always talked about in the media. People who go to university tend to have wealthier parents who could afford to send them there. They are also the ones who do well because they don't have to worry about working in addition to studying. Then they do into the workplace filled with confidence.

People usually make things up as they go along, they lie, they fake it, they backstab and so on and on. It's usually people that are the most confident and the loudest that get ahead. Being successful has very little to do with being deserving of something or being a good person or even being particularly hard working.

You really have to drop this attitude of "I need to be a good" because it'll get you nowhere. While you sit there debating if it's morally right for you to do a masters degree (even writing this sounds crazy!), someone is lying their way through an interview and getting something that you might actually be good for.

You were literally having a mental health crisis during your degree. I was really worried for you and was hoping you would take some time off. And you worked and you had to take care of your brother (which triggered your anxiety even more). I'm honestly glad you made it through, so don't you dare put this down to laziness and blame yourself. You have been through so much and I don't know what on earth it's going to take to make you see how worthy you really are!

As for the master...what do you actually want to do? Like what kind of job or career would you like to have? What is it that you were hoping to do when you started your degree?

 

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Hi Cora

Hope you get good news from CADAT.

I think going for a Masters to kinda redeem yourself is not rational. You also say that having a job in science doesn’t somehow feel right. You didn’t fail you got a 2.2. People do masters for two reasons 1. they are interested in the subject 2. it will help them get a career they want. So I wait to see how you feel after treatment. Then you can work out what you want to do.

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Hello @Ashley, @Caramoole, @malina and @Angst, and thank you so very much for taking the time to reply. I'm really sorry it took forever to get back to you but I have been busy and tired before and after work for the past few days. 

Firstly, I want to say that I did receive good news from CADAT. They informed me that they can help me with the treatment and once a therapist becomes available we can start therapy. 

Secondly, I do realise that waiting until after therapy is probably the best idea. However, I don't know how long it will take until I start therapy and I only have about two more months to decide if I want to do a masters this year. I want to do it this year because I want it to give me a purpose and to make me feel like I'm not useless to my myself and my family. 

On 18/05/2023 at 15:24, malina said:

I'm honestly glad you made it through, so don't you dare put this down to laziness and blame yourself. You have been through so much and I don't know what on earth it's going to take to make you see how worthy you really are!

@malina, thank you very much for these kind words. I'm not disagreeing with you but laziness did play a big part. Towards the end of my degree, when I had to work on my dissertation, I thought I could still get a good grade by doing the bare minimum. I don't know, I had such a stupid sense of confidence and thought that writing some basic, rushed sentences could lead me somewhere. Of course, I got humbled very quickly when I got the grade, and this will be one of my "favourite" memories that keep me up at 2am 😅. And the most embarrassing thing is that I got so used to not doing any work and postponing it that for two weeks in a row I even forgot that my dissertation was due in less that three weeks. 

On 18/05/2023 at 15:24, malina said:

As for the master...what do you actually want to do? Like what kind of job or career would you like to have? What is it that you were hoping to do when you started your degree?

This is disappointing but I have no clue whatsoever what I want to do. I struggled with my undergraduate degree, especially the practical part, and didn't learn too much. I thought that maybe masters could help me find out what I want to do if I really try my best. 

I need to grow up and living with my parents won't be an option anymore after next year due to space problems. If I a do a masters, there could be a chance for me to get a job that pays better than my current one and I would be able to rent something. 

I'm a conflictual position. I know waiting is the best choice but it is also very scary. I also realise that the choice of pursuing a masters is mainly driven by the shame and embarrassment of being a customer assistant with a degree in science, as well as the fear of having no career prospects. 

I'm really sorry for making this so much more confusing. I don't know what I want and what to do and I wish someone could do it for me. I really don't like being an adult...

Edited by Cora
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25 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hello @Ashley, @Caramoole, @malina and @Angst, and thank you so very much for taking the time to reply. I'm really sorry it took forever to get back to you but I have been busy and tired before and after work for the past few days. 

Firstly, I want to say that I did receive good news from CADAT. They informed me that they can help me with the treatment and once a therapist becomes available we can start therapy. 

Secondly, I do realise that waiting until after therapy is probably the best idea. However, I don't know how long it will take until I start therapy and I only have about two more months to decide if I want to do a masters this year. I want to do it this year because I want it to give me a purpose and to make me feel like I'm not useless to my myself and my family. 

@malina, thank you very much for these kind words. I'm not disagreeing with you but laziness did play a big part. Towards the end of my degree, when I had to work on my dissertation, I thought I could still get a good grade by doing the bare minimum. I don't know, I had such a stupid sense of confidence and thought that writing some basic, rushed sentences could lead me somewhere. Of course, I got humbled very quickly when I got the grade, and this will be one of my "favourite" memories that keep me up at 2am 😅. And the most embarrassing thing is that I got so used to not doing any work and postponing it that for two weeks in a row I even forgot that my dissertation was due in less that three weeks. 

This is disappointing but I have no clue whatsoever what I want to do. I struggled with my undergraduate degree, especially the practical part, and didn't learn too much. I thought that maybe masters could help me find out what I want to do if I really try my best. 

I need to grow up and living with my parents won't be an option anymore after next year due to space problems. If I a do a masters, there could be a chance for me to get a job that pays better than my current one and I would be able to rent something. 

I'm a conflictual position. I know waiting is the best choice but it is also very scary. I also realise that the choice of pursuing a masters is mainly driven by the shame and embarrassment of being a customer assistant with a degree in science, as well as the fear of having no career prospects. 

I'm really sorry for making this so much more confusing. I don't know what I want and what to do and I wish someone could do it for me. I really don't like being an adult...

If you truly want to do a masters, then go for it! I just think that, before you make that investment (both time and money), you should think about what you want to get out of it. Maybe you should look at some career paths that people who did the same MSc went on to pursue. Does your uni have a careers service? You could speak to them about possibilities. Having a degree is just one part of getting a job, you need to find a way into the field you want to be in, and for that you need to have some idea of where you would like to work.

But if you do go for this, then really go for it. Don't waste your time on this "do I deserve this?" rubbish, don't be lazy and do the bare minimum. You'll have a year to make a success of it (it is a year right?), so you'll really have to step up and focus to do it.

 

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9 hours ago, Cora said:

I also realise that the choice of pursuing a masters is mainly driven by the shame and embarrassment of being a customer assistant with a degree in science, as well as the fear of having no career prospects. 

Cora, there are lots of reasons for taking on post-graduate study. Shame, embarrassment and not knowing what you want to do as a career are definitely NOT on that list.  :no: :no: :no:

Post-grad study is as different from graduate study as the first year of primary school age 5 is from the last year at secondary school age 18.

It's not that the study is necessearily harder (though it is more detailed and needs to be to a much higher standard if you want a good grade.) But you won't be mollycoddled and spoon fed like undergraduates often are. Can you deal with that?

The reason you can get a better paid job (ie. a job with more responsibility) with a Masters degree is because the qualification shows that you are able to organise yourself, motivate yourself, keep yourself on track - and you'll be expected by default to have gained the skills to do the same with your new work team/ those working under your leadership.

Are you a leader, Cora? Is that responsibility something you want to take on for the rest of your working life? Is it a part of the job you will actively enjoy?

When you have bad OCD days (and chances are there will be at least some) - do you have what it takes to drag yourself out of bed and put in a day's work/ study hours without postponement 'until I feel better'. Because if you don't you haven't got spare time to catch up. Postgrad study is full on. Think of it as 15 months of work squashed into a year and you'll have a realistic idea what your timetable is going to look like.

Are you passionate about the subject you'll be studying? You'll have to choose an area of science to specialise in - maybe thinking about what area(s) interest you will give you some useful ideas on what kind of career you want to pursue. THEN  you can decide whether to start looking for work in that area now or whether you need a Masters degree to get a foot in that doorway.

I'm not trying to put you off further study. It's your reasons for taking it on that make me concerned for you.

I hope you'll forgive my doubt that this upcoming course of therapy is going to miraculously 'cure' you and make next year so much easier mentally than this year has been. :unsure:   It might. It can!  But only if you change your thinking.

And that essential change in thinking STARTS with ditching the shame, embarrassment, and negative self-talk. I don't doubt that you will one day see the light and happily ditch all of it, but I do have my doubts that you can turn your thinking around completely AND get in sufficient practise at the new way of thinking between now and September. :unsure:  Are you willing to quit the negative self-talk? Will you allow yourself to ditch the shame and guilt?

There's nothing wrong with being a customer assistant with a degree. Nothing wrong with being a customer assistant with a Masters degree. If you're embarassed by that you're essentially saying that people in less well paid jobs are 'beneath' you. :dry:  Really? You think racial prejudice was an issue, don't get me started on people who think some jobs are less worthy than others! We're all part of the one global team that keeps the world turning. No one job is more important than another. Watch the bin men and the truck drivers go on strike for a month and you'll soon realise who's got the most important jobs in this world!

 

I urge you to think carefully before committing yourself to another year of study and student debts.

If you read this and come away thinking, 'But I want to do a Masters degree. I can keep myself on track without giving in to OCD or laziness, and even if it doesn't bring me a better paid job at the end of it I still want to do it! ' ... then go for it. Go for it guns blazing and enjoy! :)

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25 minutes ago, snowbear said:

And that essential change in thinking STARTS with ditching the shame, embarrassment, and negative self-talk. I don't doubt that you will one day see the light and happily ditch all of it, but I do have my doubts that you can turn your thinking around completely AND get in sufficient practise at the new way of thinking between now and September. :unsure:  Are you willing to quit the negative self-talk? Will you allow yourself to ditch the shame and guilt?
 

I honestly believe that this is one of the core reasons why you're still stuck @Cora. I think your low self esteem your self image issues go beyond OCD. You know how some people can have OCD and depression or OCD and another anxiety disorder? I think it's kind of the same for your when it comes to how you see yourself. A lot of people on this forum express self-hatred for their thoughts, but your negativity about yourself is next level. Everything is always: I am to blame, there are no excuses, I am a monster, I am disgusting, I don't deserve anything good. I don't know what happened in your life to make you feel this way Cora, but it's very hard to move forward and accept that you have OCD when you actively sabotage yourself at every turn. I have to be honest that I find your self negativity quite infuriating at times, because it makes it hard to get any point accross to you. No matter what anybody says, you will come back saying that they are essentially wrong because everything is your fault and you're awful. Please try to address this in your next round of therapy.

I agree with Snowbear, you should do a masters if you want to do it, because you want a particular career path or you're interested in the subject. If you're doing it out of shame and embarrassment, you're not going to make it very far because you don't have any real motivation.

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Hi Cora

The general consensus is to a masters if the subject interests you and/or it leads to the career you want. I also think that you need to do a bit of digging into the destinations of post graduates - what jobs they do after graduation. 

Having said that there is a qualification inflation occurring with the rise of such things as the taught professional doctorate in clinical psychology it used to be a masters - a longer dissertation/thesis is added so it becomes a doctorate. It is not like the old fashioned research doctorate with funding from the research councils. Or the social worker degree has a master’s add on.  I think the curriculum remains largely the same in both areas. This is occurring in MBAs to DMAs as well as in education.

But getting jobs in clinical psychology are also depend on getting recognition which is dependent upon a recognised and approved placement/apprenticeship in an appropriate workplace. So places are limited and highly competitive. Social work registration is dependent upon placement. Becoming a lawyer or accountant are dependent upon placement. These are difficult to get. Teachers need placement. 

There are also I believe placement opportunities in science and engineering. I know very little about this area. But there are placement opportunities.
 

I am just saying that we need to look at the job landscape before deciding what to do.

 

 

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Thank you very much, @snowbear, @malina, and @Angst

On 20/05/2023 at 20:53, snowbear said:

There's nothing wrong with being a customer assistant with a degree. Nothing wrong with being a customer assistant with a Masters degree. If you're embarassed by that you're essentially saying that people in less well paid jobs are 'beneath' you. :dry:  Really? You think racial prejudice was an issue, don't get me started on people who think some jobs are less worthy than others! We're all part of the one global team that keeps the world turning. No one job is more important than another. Watch the bin men and the truck drivers go on strike for a month and you'll soon realise who's got the most important jobs in this world!

I agree, what I said sounded (and was) bad. I definitely shouldn't think that some jobs are less worthy than others, and thank you very much for the reminder, @snowbear.

I think a lot of the embarrassment comes from the pressure from the people around me, especially my family. And I think that a part of it also stems from not doing so great during those 4 years at uni. I think I would have definitely felt better about myself and my job if I were a customer assistant with lots of advanced knowledge in my field. And the last thing is that I've been at the same job for nearly 5 years and I don't think I've progressed one bit in my life because of that. And, lastly, yes, even if my job is important, I don't feel like what I'm doing is great, and I'm more than sure than anyone else could do it much better than me since I get annoyed very easily by customers and tend to be quite slow with certain duties compared to other colleagues.

On 20/05/2023 at 20:53, snowbear said:

If you read this and come away thinking, 'But I want to do a Masters degree. I can keep myself on track without giving in to OCD or laziness, and even if it doesn't bring me a better paid job at the end of it I still want to do it! ' ... then go for it. Go for it guns blazing and enjoy! :)

 

On 20/05/2023 at 21:26, malina said:

I agree with Snowbear, you should do a masters if you want to do it, because you want a particular career path or you're interested in the subject. If you're doing it out of shame and embarrassment, you're not going to make it very far because you don't have any real motivation.

I will not lie, I did get slightly discouraged after reading everyone's replies. But I do agree with you. I don't think I can miraculously cure my OCD with this round of therapy, or even learn how to manage it in such a short period. Plus, I cannot confidently say that if I ever had a bad day (which more than sure I will), I would show up and carry on; given the past examples, I would more likely procrastinate and ignore the work until it feels right or until the deadline is gravely close, which I do not want to repeat.

I think I will not do a Masters, at least not this year. I don't think I'm ready mentally but maybe I will be for the next year.

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Not doing a Masters right now doesn't mean you have to give up on trying to achieve your goals in the short term. You could try getting an internship or volunteer position in a company that is related to your studies. That would honestly boost your chances of actually getting a job afterwards and would help you figure out what you want to do much more than the degree would.

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