Advice please

[MarieJo]

For those who have spoken to me before you will know I have suffered with GAD and OCD since aged about 10. I am now 50.

I have had most themes (probably everything apart from contamination).

The theme I have been struggling for for the longest is the fear of my kids (2 young adults) and one aged 13 getting ill or them coming to harm. My eldest child especially. He's 21 and my ocd focuses so much on him.

He and my daughter are both going on holiday with their friends. Daughter in June, son in July. I have tried to put it to the back of my mind, I haven't really given it the deep thoughts I usually do, but inly because i am trying to ignore it...but it's getting close and i know i am going to suffer as it's now demanding attention. I have been struggling with the odd intrusive thought about her being drugged and harmed and my son being beaten up. I keep getting palpitations. I stop ruminating asap, as I know it's my main compulsion, but the dread is there in the background. I am scared that having them.both going away is going to tip me over the edge. I have a check their location app.  I think I should turn it off when they are away as I fear it will cause too much anxiety. Any thoughts? Tips on coping please.

I have recently had CBT for the third time but am still suffering.

[PolarBear]

You've got to get rid of that app. It is doing you no good. Using it is a compulsion and compulsions don't work. They only make your situation worse. It's too darn easy to keep checking that app and even when you know where they are, your mind thinks up all sorts of scenarios of harm coming to them anyway.

Delete the app.

[Handy]

 

Rumination is not always a compulsion, but it can be in the context of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). In OCD, rumination is a mental compulsion, which means it is a repetitive thought pattern that is used to try to reduce anxiety or distress caused by an unwanted, intrusive thought or obsession. Compulsions may help reduce distress in the short-term, but often serve to maintain the OCD in the long-term.

Rumination can take many forms, but it often involves trying to figure out the meaning of an intrusive thought, trying to make sense of it, or trying to find a way to control it. For example, someone with OCD who has an intrusive thought about harming someone might ruminate about the thought, trying to figure out why they had it, what it means, and how they can prevent themselves from harming someone.

Rumination can be very distressing and can interfere with daily life. If you are struggling with rumination, it is important to seek professional help. There are effective treatments available for OCD, including therapy and medication.

Here are some tips for coping with rumination:

Identify your triggers. What are the things that seem to trigger your rumination? Once you know what your triggers are, you can start to avoid them or develop coping mechanisms for dealing with them.

Challenge your thoughts. When you start to ruminate, ask yourself if your thoughts are really true. Are you really going to harm someone? Are you really going to lose your job? Chances are, your thoughts are not based in reality.

Take a break. If you find yourself ruminating, take a break from whatever you are doing and do something else that will take your mind off of it. Go for a walk, listen to music, or read a book.

Talk to someone. Talking to someone about your rumination can help you to feel less alone and can give you some perspective. Talk to a friend, family member, therapist, or anyone else you trust.

If you are struggling with rumination, it is important to remember that you are not alone and that there is help available. With treatment, you can learn to manage your rumination and live a full and productive life.

[Bev53]

11 hours ago, MarieJo said:

have a check their location app.  I think I should turn it off when they are away as I fear it will cause too much anxiety

I think ideally as Polar Bear says you should delete the app. Aside from the fact it is not wholly accurate anyway, having the app doesn't keep them safe.

If this proves too big a move for you currently, switch off the app.

If you can't manage that for the whole time they are away, resolve to check it only once or twice, choose a time and stick to it.

 

11 hours ago, MarieJo said:

. I stop ruminating asap, as I know it's my main compulsion, but the dread is there in the background.

That's great that you're recognising when you're ruminating. The dread/anxiety will still be there as this is an issue you've had for a long time. Try and make some plans for the week to keep you occupied, go to the theatre, meet up with friends, maybe plan some fun stuff with your younger child and see it as a great opportunity to enjoy some one on one time with them.

If your mind does start to wander into 'what they're up to?  are they safe?' territory, think of the things they're most likely doing, enjoying the sun, socialising and having a laugh with their friends.

Be kind to yourself, you're a Mum, you'll always worry about your kids, but it is possible to care about their well being without it significantly affecting your own.

Best of luck as always.

 

[MarieJo]

Thanks all for the replies. PolarBear if I get rid of the app I will just spam them with calls and texts. The app has meant I don't message them nearly as much so, as much as it's far from ideal, it's meant I have not impacted my kids as much as I otherwise would with calling them. Ideally I need to stop worrying and checking in all forms. The app doesn't help me I agree but as I am far from recovery getting rid of it will just lead me back to my other compulsions.

Handy, I have ruminated many times in the way you describe. Trying to work out what that thought or feeling meant about me. Trying to square it in my head. One obsession left me ruminating literally 24/7 for about 4 weeks leaving me feeling suicidal, broken and desperate. This ruminating is not like that, it's more intrusive thoughts or images pop into my head like my son being beaten up and then my physical symptoms start. Instead of carrying on thinking these thoughts I am better at distracting myself and trying to let them go. However, they are under the surface at the moment wanting me to engage.

Bev, thanks so much. I know you truly understand what I am going through as you suffered in a similar way. Thanks for the advice. I booked a holiday today. It only overlaps by a few days but hopefully having something to look forward to will help.

I tried to meditate last night. I think mindfulness and meditation will calm my mind. I noticed just how difficult it is for me to relax. My body and mind were fighting it. Hopefully it will get easier.

Edited May 24, 2023 by MarieJo

[Bev53]

1 hour ago, MarieJo said:

I booked a holiday today. It only overlaps by a few days but hopefully having something to look forward to will help

Yes, and in the run up you'll no doubt be busy sorting your own packing etc.

 

1 hour ago, MarieJo said:

I think mindfulness and meditation will calm my mind. I noticed just how difficult it is for me to relax. My body and mind were fighting it.

I think I've mentioned before, that mindfulness really helped me reduce rumination. In the early days it was incredibly difficult and I had to almost force myself to be 'in the moment', but the more I practiced the easier it became. 

Stay positive. One of my fitness instructors favourite sayings is 'if you believe you can do it, you're already half way there'.

[PolarBear]

MarieJo, you certainly don't want to replace the app with other compulsions. That said, the app has to go.

How about reducing your reliance on the app by setting limits when you will use it and gradually increasing the time period between checking? This only works if you keep yourself busy between checks so you aren't watching the clock and ruminating.