Is this OCD?

[Whosthatgirl]

I’m not sure when or why my ‘symptoms’ started but I remember from a very young age feeling the need to tell my parents everything that I was guilty of. For example, if a teacher told me off (even at high school) for talking or whatnot, I’d have to confess it to them. I know, most teenagers wouldn’t say anything but I almost felt compelled to say something. 

Since then (I’m now nearly 40), I’ve ‘created’, it would seem, several scenarios in my head, mainly from things in my past. For example, a childhood friend died of epilepsy years after we had lost touch, but I convinced myself it was my fault. 
 

When I was postpartum, things heightened a bit. I would imagine horrible scenarios involving my baby - and couldn’t get them out of my head.

I also think I have knocked someone over if I hit a curb or a pothole. I have to drive back around the block to check, and I’m constantly overthinking things from years ago. For example, a boy at school got beaten up in front of me because I was answering back to an older lad (who was being rude to everyone in the queue to get on a fairground ride). He took it out on my make friend, as he obviously wouldn’t hit a girl - and now I wonder if the friend has long lasting emotional trauma from it.

I could go on and on, but the main thing is I feel like I always have to confess stuff to people. It eats away at me until I confess stuff, then my friends and family think I’m being ridiculous about whatever I was worrying about. 
 

I want to go and see a therapist but I’m so anxious about all of my worries that I feel like a criminal and that they would notify the police - even though I haven’t done anything ant there’s no evidence that I have (ie my friend dying years after we were friends).

 

Please tell me I’m not alone in all this. It’s interfering with me being the best mum I can be, because I just spend so long ruminating on stuff etc 

[Whosthatgirl]

*male friend 

[northpaul]

Hello Whosthatgirl and welcome to the forums

13 minutes ago, Whosthatgirl said:

Please tell me I’m not alone in all this. It’s interfering with me being the best mum I can be, because I just spend so long ruminating on stuff etc 

I can tell you that you are not alone, I am listening to what you say and I am sure there are other people on the forums with similar issues to your's.

16 minutes ago, Whosthatgirl said:

I want to go and see a therapist but I’m so anxious about all of my worries

That would be a good idea.  I would suggest in the first instance you discuss your mental health concerns with your Doctor.  If you are in Britain the GPs will be able to refer you to the best place for therapy.

Otherwise, I have found that these forums are a good place to talk about my own issues.

[Whosthatgirl]

Thank you, Paul. I appreciate that. I have had cognitive behavioural therapy in the past, but I didn’t find it was overly helpful. It may have helped at the time, for a short while, but it hasn’t had long-lasting benefits.

I will chat to my GP again, and see what they say. Thank you and I hope you are getting the support you need 

[northpaul]

5 minutes ago, Whosthatgirl said:

I have had cognitive behavioural therapy in the past, but I didn’t find it was overly helpful. It may have helped at the time, for a short while, but it hasn’t had long-lasting benefits.

It is good to hear that you have had some therapy in the past and at least you have something to build on.

I had CBT therapy about 18 months ago.  What I found was that the therapy was a 'foundation stone' and gave me something to build on.  I am still on my recovery journey today and have found that my recovery takes a lot of determination and I have to keep referring back to my therapy notes.

[Whosthatgirl]

2 hours ago, northpaul said:

It is good to hear that you have had some therapy in the past and at least you have something to build on.

I had CBT therapy about 18 months ago.  What I found was that the therapy was a 'foundation stone' and gave me something to build on.  I am still on my recovery journey today and have found that my recovery takes a lot of determination and I have to keep referring back to my therapy notes.

Thank you, Paul. I appreciate that. I have had cognitive behavioural therapy in the past, but I didn’t find it was overly helpful. It may have helped at the time, for a short while, but it hasn’t had long-lasting benefits.

I will chat to my GP again, and see what they say. Thank you and I hope you are getting the support you need 

2 hours ago, northpaul said:

It is good to hear that you have had some therapy in the past and at least you have something to build on.

I had CBT therapy about 18 months ago.  What I found was that the therapy was a 'foundation stone' and gave me something to build on.  I am still on my recovery journey today and have found that my recovery takes a lot of determination and I have to keep referring back to my therapy notes.

Thanks Paul. I’m glad you have also found CBT useful enough. I have also bought a book on CBT, but it’s heavy going and it’s actually making me feel more anxious reading it. I’ll keep on with it though and let you know if I get anywhere with it. 

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, Whosthatgirl said:

I have had cognitive behavioural therapy in the past, but I didn’t find it was overly helpful. It may have helped at the time, for a short while, but it hasn’t had long-lasting benefits.

Hi Whosthatgirl,

This sounds like you may have unwittingly used the therapy sessions as a form of reassurance rather than learning how to tackle the OCD. A very common problem. A good therapist will realise that's what you're doing and get things back on track, but less experienced therapists (also unwittingly) sometimes allow the client to do this instead of doing actual CBT.

4 hours ago, Whosthatgirl said:

I have also bought a book on CBT, but it’s heavy going and it’s actually making me feel more anxious reading it. I’ll keep on with it though and let you know if I get anywhere with it. 

Excellent! Great that you're working on this with a self-help book, but even better news that it is increasing your anxiety!

That suggests it's challenging your thinking.  

Happily the discomfort is temporary. Keep at it and as your thinking gradually changes the anxiety will lessen again.

[determination987]

19 hours ago, Whosthatgirl said:

I’m not sure when or why my ‘symptoms’ started but I remember from a very young age feeling the need to tell my parents everything that I was guilty of. For example, if a teacher told me off (even at high school) for talking or whatnot, I’d have to confess it to them. I know, most teenagers wouldn’t say anything but I almost felt compelled to say something. 

Since then (I’m now nearly 40), I’ve ‘created’, it would seem, several scenarios in my head, mainly from things in my past. For example, a childhood friend died of epilepsy years after we had lost touch, but I convinced myself it was my fault. 
 

When I was postpartum, things heightened a bit. I would imagine horrible scenarios involving my baby - and couldn’t get them out of my head.

I also think I have knocked someone over if I hit a curb or a pothole. I have to drive back around the block to check, and I’m constantly overthinking things from years ago. For example, a boy at school got beaten up in front of me because I was answering back to an older lad (who was being rude to everyone in the queue to get on a fairground ride). He took it out on my make friend, as he obviously wouldn’t hit a girl - and now I wonder if the friend has long lasting emotional trauma from it.

I could go on and on, but the main thing is I feel like I always have to confess stuff to people. It eats away at me until I confess stuff, then my friends and family think I’m being ridiculous about whatever I was worrying about. 
 

I want to go and see a therapist but I’m so anxious about all of my worries that I feel like a criminal and that they would notify the police - even though I haven’t done anything ant there’s no evidence that I have (ie my friend dying years after we were friends).

 

Please tell me I’m not alone in all this. It’s interfering with me being the best mum I can be, because I just spend so long ruminating on stuff etc 

Hi  

I've had similar experiences (crime seems to be the theme that catches my attention and lots of analysing past situations) and it's difficult but it can get better. You're certainly not alone.

I've just seen that you've bought a self-help book and that was going to be my suggestion . I'd recommend doing it chunks so as to not overwhelm and start with small steps. Recognition really helped me - so spotting the cycle and what my mind was doing. 

I've read a few books and one of my favourites is - Overcoming unwanted Intrusive Thoughts - Sally M Winston. I listened to this as an audio book and would listen for a while whilst having a nice bath, doing jobs etc. I found it had a nice pace and wasn't too overwhelming. It's also worth remembering that practically anything can be a trigger so try not to avoid things. It tells your brain it's important and that you should avoid it. So whilst it may make your anxiety rise, that's okay - it's hard but you can cope with it and it will get easier  .

Remember that thoughts are just thoughts - they're not facts as much as they feel it. The anxiety is real and current but the thoughts aren't. Try and acknowledge them and that they cause you distress but think about the options you have:

1. Analyse/ruminate/check and be no more certain and keeps you stuck in the loop

2. Acknowledge the thoughts that are distressing and choose to not do any of the above (hard but gets easier - maybe start with cutting down or delaying it at first if easier) and do what YOU want to do, not the OCD. So your brain tells you that you may have committed a crime and wants you to check for evidence that it isn't the case so the urge to check your memories/with people/online is there but you remind yourself how this cycle ends up. Instead you try and take a step back and see it for what it is - your mind creating a scenario for it to check. Maybe you did or didn't but thats not the problem - the OCD is. The past is the past, you are here in the present and deserve to be present.

Try and practice compassion to yourself. We can be pretty horrible to ourselves which can fuel OCD's narrative. Accept that you are human and be kind to yourself. Make sure you treat yourself. Even if you don't feel you deserve to, do it anyway. It really helped me  

I delayed seeing a therapist for a while for similar reasons but I did do it in the end and have found it really helpful. I had a lot of other things going on that were keeping the OCD going - lack of self esteem, people pleasing, trauma, intolerant of uncertainty, no confidence in myself etc. It's been useful to tackle that. I did find that the work I did before really helped the therapy though as I had a base point to work with and knew what I was struggling with.

Hope this helps

[Whosthatgirl]

On 30/05/2023 at 21:53, snowbear said:

Hi Whosthatgirl,

This sounds like you may have unwittingly used the therapy sessions as a form of reassurance rather than learning how to tackle the OCD. A very common problem. A good therapist will realise that's what you're doing and get things back on track, but less experienced therapists (also unwittingly) sometimes allow the client to do this instead of doing actual CBT.

Excellent! Great that you're working on this with a self-help book, but even better news that it is increasing your anxiety!

That suggests it's challenging your thinking.  

Happily the discomfort is temporary. Keep at it and as your thinking gradually changes the anxiety will lessen again.

Thank you so much for your words, I will certainly keep at it, as you say, and I hope it gives me a little respite.

I hope you’re doing well. 

[Whosthatgirl]

21 hours ago, determination987 said:

Hi  

I've had similar experiences (crime seems to be the theme that catches my attention and lots of analysing past situations) and it's difficult but it can get better. You're certainly not alone.

I've just seen that you've bought a self-help book and that was going to be my suggestion . I'd recommend doing it chunks so as to not overwhelm and start with small steps. Recognition really helped me - so spotting the cycle and what my mind was doing. 

I've read a few books and one of my favourites is - Overcoming unwanted Intrusive Thoughts - Sally M Winston. I listened to this as an audio book and would listen for a while whilst having a nice bath, doing jobs etc. I found it had a nice pace and wasn't too overwhelming. It's also worth remembering that practically anything can be a trigger so try not to avoid things. It tells your brain it's important and that you should avoid it. So whilst it may make your anxiety rise, that's okay - it's hard but you can cope with it and it will get easier  .

Remember that thoughts are just thoughts - they're not facts as much as they feel it. The anxiety is real and current but the thoughts aren't. Try and acknowledge them and that they cause you distress but think about the options you have:

1. Analyse/ruminate/check and be no more certain and keeps you stuck in the loop

2. Acknowledge the thoughts that are distressing and choose to not do any of the above (hard but gets easier - maybe start with cutting down or delaying it at first if easier) and do what YOU want to do, not the OCD. So your brain tells you that you may have committed a crime and wants you to check for evidence that it isn't the case so the urge to check your memories/with people/online is there but you remind yourself how this cycle ends up. Instead you try and take a step back and see it for what it is - your mind creating a scenario for it to check. Maybe you did or didn't but thats not the problem - the OCD is. The past is the past, you are here in the present and deserve to be present.

Try and practice compassion to yourself. We can be pretty horrible to ourselves which can fuel OCD's narrative. Accept that you are human and be kind to yourself. Make sure you treat yourself. Even if you don't feel you deserve to, do it anyway. It really helped me  

I delayed seeing a therapist for a while for similar reasons but I did do it in the end and have found it really helpful. I had a lot of other things going on that were keeping the OCD going - lack of self esteem, people pleasing, trauma, intolerant of uncertainty, no confidence in myself etc. It's been useful to tackle that. I did find that the work I did before really helped the therapy though as I had a base point to work with and knew what I was struggling with.

Hope this helps

Thank you SO much for such a long and detailed response. It is a comfort to know that other people experience the same kind of thoughts - although saying that, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and it sounds as though I’m glad that others are suffering. I’m really not. 

Yes, I certainly have a preoccupation with crime - that I have done something wrong when I know, deep down, I haven’t. When I see a police car in my rear view mirror, my first thought is ‘what have I done’. I have visions of turning up at home and there being a police car. I don’t know why. I overthink everything to the extreme - things I have said or done. Things pop into my head randomly from years ago and I wonder how my innocent actions (or what I have said to someone in a conversation) may have affected someone long term - altered the trajectory of their life etc.

I read somewhere that the most difficult prison to escape is our mind - and that is so true. Most days I feel absolutely fine but when I don’t feel fine, I feel absolutely awful. I’m not sure if hormones trigger it or not.

I’m so pleased to hear therapy was helpful for you and you’re working through some of your challenges. It has spurred me on to look into it, so for that I am very grateful.

 

I hope you’re doing well at the moment and thanks again for your response